A very English cricket blog by Patrick Kidd. Subscribe to a feed of this Times Online blog at http://timesonline.typepad.com/line_and_length/rss.xml
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We have all played in matches where it has been tough to shift a stubborn pair of batsmen, but the South Africa openers' efforts against Bangladesh today take some beating. At close of play in Chittagong, Graeme Smith and Neil McKenzie have steered South Africa to 405 for nought. That's nine runs shy of Pankaj Roy and Vinoo Mankad's world record for the first wicket.
I wonder at what point the Bangladesh fielders started to wonder whether they would ever get them out? At lunch (92-0, when it was already a SA record against Bangladesh)? Tea (236-0)? Or when, finally, a chance came in the 75th over only for Mohammad Rafique to drop a caught and bowled chance when McKenzie was on 131. McKenzie finished the day on 169 and Smith on 223.
It's a pretty flat pitch, needless to say, and I was always taught never to make a judgment until both sides have had a bat on it. Bangladesh may yet make 600. Yes.....
Yes, it's back. The monthly contest that cricket's elite fear (or at the very least are indifferent to): Pillock of the Month. Who will follow in Andrew Symonds's substantial footsteps this month after the Australia all-rounder was named cricket's biggest pillock by 27 per cent of you, with votes coming in from places like Colorado, Rome and Umea in Sweden? Surprisingly there were a few votes for him from India, too. Here are this month's six contenders. You'll be glad to know that I am so bored with the weed v redneck row that I've not included any current India or Australia players.
Sir Ian Botham may act tough but he is just a big jessy, after it was revealed that he had refused to commentate on England's one-day match in Hamilton because the portable building that Sky was broadcasting from was too high. Not quite as high as Botham's reported earnings from Sky but pretty high nonetheless.
The ICC chief executives' committe, who announced that the 2011 World Cup will feature two fewer associate nations (albeit with the substantial plus of a reduction in the tournament's duration). They get bonus points for announcing the news, which will hit the wallets of the smaller nations, on the same day that the big-name players were being auctioned for millions of dollars in India.
Giles Clarke, chairman of the ECB, who suggested that Test matches should be played in the evening under floodlights because otherwise the game would only attract "anoraks". Thanks to Ann, one of many much-loved anoraks among this blog's readers, who felt a bit offended by that and nominated Clarke.
Lord Mark Malloch-Brown, the Foreign Office Minister, who said that the Government would not intervene to prevent Zimbabwe from touring England next year. He was soon slapped down by his superiors, who reminded him that the government policy was to back the ECB.
Jesse Ryder, the New Zealander who was heading for the hero of the month award with some impressive batting performances in the one-day series against England, before being ruled out of the Test series after injuring his hand trying to get access to a locked toilet by breaking a window. What a prize pillock!
Shane Warne, who almost has to be admired for admitting that he was putting his body up for auction in the Indian Premier League partly so that he could use it as a way of promoting his work with Advanced Hair Studios. Warne attracted a bid of about £220,000, which didn't even place him in the top 40 of the most expensive players. What's more, Andrew Symonds and MS Dhoni, the auction's biggest winners, have better hair than Warne.
Update: I wrote the post below yesterday, since when Strauss has hit an unbeaten 55 in England's second innings. Has he done enough to win selection or should Shah still be the man who gets the nod? Vote in our poll below.
Across the Tasman Sea, more than 1,000 miles from the petty name-calling between the weed and the redneck, a Test series is about to start, a blessed oasis in the noxious flood of limited-overs cricket that we have had for the past month. England will start their Test series against New Zealand in Hamilton next Wednesday, but who should make the starting XI?
 There are three questions, of which the role of Andrew Strauss is the most pressing. Strauss, as we know, was dropped for England's tour to Sri Lanka before Christmas after a bad run of scores going back to 2006, his last hundred coming 13 Tests ago. He has worked hard in the nets during the winter to prove his dedication, although what player ever says that he hasn't work hard? (Apart from Phil Tufnell and that was only ever for effect.) He also, perhaps more pertinently, has a lucrative central contract that was earning him money for doing nothing.
Strauss then arranged to go and play some one-day cricket for Northern Districts in the hope that he would catch the selectors' eyes for the New Zealand tour. It worked. Or rather the declaration of going to New Zealand worked. Maybe the England selectors just didn't want to have to buy him a return ticket. Certainly, one innings aside, he did next to nothing for Northern Districts. Strauss made 106 in one innings and 73 in total in his other four. He then joined England and made scores of 4 and, this morning, 5 against second-string New Zealand bowlers.
It is hard on Strauss, who is desperate to resume his Test career, but as this blogger recalls from the days when he was allowed to chase girls, desperation is rarely reason enough. He should not be considered for next week's match until he shows some form in the middle. Owais Shah, who made 96 on Monday, should take his place. As for the other dilemmas in selection, Phil Mustard and Tim Ambrose are competing for the wicketkeeper's place, with Ambrose apparently getting the nod by being picked for this morning's game (he made 12, more than any of the batsmen apart from Pietersen and Cook); while Chris Tremlett, rather than James Anderson or Stuart Broad, appears most likely to take the third seamer's place in Ryan Sidebottom's absence with injury.
 I imagine that I am not the only person who has grown weary of this winter's series between India and Australia. Not just the never-ending stream of one-day matches (12 games before we get to a final, give me a break) but the tawdry diplomatic quarrels. What started as a fascinating battle between cricket's super-powers has descended into mud-slinging and pettiness. Australia have proved themselves the champions at needless bullying while India have shown that they are incapable of turning the other cheek and have seen offence in even the mildest sledging.
At least we have started to see some wit entering the sledging row. Matthew Hayden has called Harbhajan Singh, Australia's gadfly all winter, an "obnoxious weed", which seems rather appropriate for a cricketer who has too often sprung up at the wrong time in unwanted places. No doubt India are drafting a letter of complaint about the comment, but instead of getting indignant, why don't they just take the mickey back? King Cricket has become a master at taunting Hayden if India want any tips. This one is particularly good.
The news that India have complained about Australia after Hayden called Harbhajan "mad boy" is really quite pathetic. Naturally they are sore that Ishant Sharma was fined for "pointing at the pavilion in an aggressive manner" after getting Andrew Symonds out at the SCG and want to fight back.
Personally I don't see what was wrong with what Sharma did, but it is nonetheless an offence punishable under the ICC code of conduct, while teasing isn't. "Mad boy" is not remotely offensive (don't say it is an insult to loonies). Claiming that Australia were provoking them into breaking the code is not good enough. India have to learn to rise above it. They may find that if they don't react so hilariously over-affronted each time an Australian has a pop, the abuse will come less often.
Australia, of course, flirt with the line of what is acceptable constantly. I would like to see some of them, Symonds in particular, tone it down a little. They are good enough to beat India without sledging, but as long as they don't use racial or immoderately aggressive language there is little that India can do according to the ICC rules.
The response of Michael Vaughan to Ricky Ponting during the 2005 Ashes is a good lesson to learn from. When Ponting started to chirrup, Vaughan just gave him a withering look and said "Who do you think you are? Steve Waugh?" It was patronising and dismissive and wound up Ponting like hell. Reacting to Australia's abuse only makes them determined to do more of it. Perhaps India should just focus on beating Australia at cricket instead.
Well, that title says it all really. England's batting failed again, but although they were bowled out for 146 the end didn't come until the 46th over, which shows the difficulty they had getting the Indian bowling away. James Taylor ended his impressive tournament with 41 off 88 balls and Ben Brown, the Sussex wicketkeeper, hit 24 off 27 balls, but no one else made an impact. India lost three wickets in reaching the target, with Taruwar Kohli scoring 63 not out.
India will face the winner of tomorrow's game between Sri Lanka and New Zealand, while South Africa will play Pakistan or Australia after walloping Bangladesh by 201 runs. Wayne Parnell, the Springboks captain, had as complete an all-round performance as you could want, making a run-a-ball fifty and then returning the astonishing figures of six for eight. Sportingly, he took himself off after five overs.
 Scarcity of space at Taunton is a grave matter for Somerset. Literally, as in order to make the county ground larger and create more room for Marcus Trescothick's meaty biffing, the county has gained permission from the Bishop of Bath and Wells to purchase part of the adjacent cemetery and move the long deceased inhabitants to a communal mound grave.
Since The Times is a serious and highbrow newspaper, we would normally be above any puerile punning about the deceased but since this blog borrows much of its attempts at humour from Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, it is perhaps time to follow in the spirit of Graeme Garden et al and announce the late arrivals at cricket's funeral ball:
David Graveney, Tomb Moody, Kapil Death, Derek Undertaker, John Embalmery, Greg Chapel, Ken Buryington, Adam Gilcrypt, WG (State of) Grace, Dug Walters, Wasim Bury...
I'm sure you can do better.
The trouble with recording consecutive ten-wicket wins against modest opposition is that when your middle order eventually has to do a job, they tend to be a bit rusty. So it was for England in their final group match in the Under-19 World Cup today. They beat Bermuda and Ireland with ridiculous ease, then the bowlers did the hard part and bowled Bangladesh out for 149, with James Harris, of Glamorgan, taking five for 20. That should have been that, especially when Billy Godleman and James Taylor continued their fine form, putting on 35 for the first wicket.
And then it started to go wrong as wickets began to fall. 35 for nought became 69 for four and though Tom Westley and Dan Redfern added 44 more runs before the next wicket, the tail collapsed and Bangladesh won by 13 runs. England may perhaps be regretting a lack of ruthlessness when they had Bangladesh 49 for seven.
So instead of a quarter-final against South Africa, England will have to do it the hard way and play India, whose captain, Virat Kohli, made 100 off 74 balls today to send West Indies out of the competition. Pakistan will play Australia and New Zealand will play Sri Lanka in the other quarter-finals.
We ought not to forget in the rush of big names being signed to IPL teams that only four foreign players can play in each match. Obviously, building a roster is important and not all foreign players will be available for the whole tournament, but there will be some famous names with big price tickets who will be acting as expensive cheerleaders if everyone is available. Here's who could be left warming the bench, taking the likeliest starters from the foreign consignments for each team.
 Hyderabad: Starters: Gilchrist, Symonds, Vaas, Afridi. Benchwarmers: Gibbs, Styris, Zoysa (minimum cost of unused players: $860,000 - which will increase substantially when/if Symonds goes on Australia duty)
Chennai: Starters: Hayden, Muralitharan, Oram, Morkel. Benchwarmers: Fleming, Ntini, M Hussey (cost: $900,000, plus Hayden and Oram will miss the latter stages)
Mohali: Starters: Jayawardena, Sangakkara, Lee, Katich. Benchwarmer: Sarwan (cost: $225,000, Lee and Sarwan will miss the end of the tournament)
Kolkata: Starters: McCullum, Gul, Gayle, Ponting. Benchwarmers: D Hussey, Shoaib Akhtar, Taibu (cost: $1.225 million, with McCullum, Gayle and Ponting to miss the end)
Mumbai: Starters: Pollock, Malinga, Fernando, Bosman. No benchwarmers.
 Bangalore: Starters: Kallis, Boucher, Steyn, Bracken. Benchwarmers: White, Chanderpaul (cost: $700,000, plus Bracken in late May)
Delhi: Starters: Vettori, Shoaib Malik, De Villiers, McGrath. Benchwarmers: Asif, Dilshan, Maharoof (cost: $1.125 million, one of the three will replace Vettori when NZ tour England)
Jaipur: Starters: Warne, Smith, Akmal. Benchwarmer: Langer won't be playing IPL this year. (cost: $200,000)
Hold the back page! Hot on the heels of a comment complaining that we only focus on Bermuda for the wrong reasons comes the joyous news that Bermuda has won a match. The heroes are the under-19 team, who beat Ireland in Malaysia this morning in the kiddies' World Cup. Both sides had lost heavily to England and Bangladesh, who play tomorrow for the top space in group D, but they concocted a thrilling match for the wooden spoon at the Royal Selangor Club today. Bermuda made 221 for nine and then Ireland, having been 98 for one halfway through the reply, collapsed to 201 all out.
Tomorrow's crunch match is India v West Indies, which the Caribbean side have to win in order to progress to the quarter-finals. I wonder whether any of the India team have noticed how much Ishant Sharma, who is only 19 and was playing with the teenage side last year, is being paid to play in the Indian Premier League?
I must add, as someone who has never been shy about having a go at the ICC, that the web coverage of the tournament by the governing body has been outstanding, with videos, up-to-date scores and interviews. Visit this website and see. If only the ICC could stick to running websites rather than organising the game itself.
FOOTNOTE: For all the glory of their teenagers, Bermuda's women had another calamity today, bowled out for 44 on their way to a 179-run defeat at the hands of the mighty Papua New Guinea (birthland of Geraint Jones lest we scoff). And yes, Bermuda may lack resources but they still had to beat Canada to qualify for this World Cup qualifying competition, which says little for the Canadian ladies.
All the bitterness is coming out now in the aftermath of the IPL auction. Ricky Ponting was rather depressed that he fetched only $400,000 for his services and that Andrew Symonds has come out of the whole monkeygate furore with a cool $1.35 million. "I thought I might have been able to attract a little bit more than that," Ponting said. "The fact I haven't made a lot of runs over the last couple of weeks probably hasn't helped much. But realistically we as Australian players probably won't be able to take part in the first couple of years of the event anyway."
Not unless you do what Symonds has done and put the money ahead of going to Pakistan. Ponting went on: "I've already sent Symmo a few messages saying that any time I go out with him from now on it's his shout, which is not always the case with Symmo either, he's pretty much the first one to dodge a shout whenever he can."
Ouch. If I were Symonds, I'd make sure I buy champagne for the whole dressing-room and then refuse to give Ponting a glass.
With its renowned gift for picking the wrong moment, the ICC has just announced that the 2011 World Cup will be reduced to 14 teams from the 16 who competed in the Caribbean last year and it will last for 38 days. While the reduction in duration is welcome, I imagine that representatives of the associate nations, who will now lose two spaces in the tournament, will be astounded by this news, coming as it does on the same day that an Indian wicketkeeper was sold for what I imagine it costs to hire, train and run and international side for a year (Andrew Nixon - do you have figures for what Ireland et al spend?)
Meanwhile, the final of the Duleep Trophy, India's first-class competion, is on TV at the moment and it appears that there are as many people watching it in The Times sports department as there are at the ground itself. The stands at the Wankhede Stadium appear to be as populated as Derby on a cold county championship day.
The auction of almost 80 of the world's best players is well under way in Bombay as I type and astounding sums of money are being bid for the best Twenty20 players. Mahendra Singh Dhoni has gone for $1.5 million; Sanath Jayasuriya for $975,000; Sachin Tendulkar for more than a million (on the grounds that as an icon player he will be paid 15 per cent more than Jayasuriya); Andrew Symonds for $1.35 million. Astounding prices given the salary cap of $5 million that each team is allowed to spend. Some pretty big names are going to be disappointed with how little they will be paid. Either that or (am I just being a cynic here?) the IPL will view the salary cap as just a starting point.
Meanwhile, no one loves (or can afford) Glenn McGrath and Mohammad Yousuf, who have gone back into a second pool after failing to meet their reserve price. I suspect I'm not the only one who finds it amusing that Shane Warne, after all his self-publicity, will earn only $450,000, but he'll probably make double that in selling hair.
I tracked down the Welshman who is handling the auction yesterday and you can read his view of how it was due to go by clicking here.
Well done the Bermuda ladies. Bouncing back from yesterday's humiliating defeat by South Africa, they showed their true worth against the mighty Netherlands today, scoring a massive 85 runs and losing by a mere 196 runs. Maryellen Jackson, top-scorer with 1 yesterday, was again the leading batsman, making 26. Onwards and upwards!
Meanwhile, the Bermuda teenagers lived up to the national standard, being dismissed for 55 by England in the Under-19 World Cup in Malaysia. England won by ten wickets to maintain their 100 per cent record, although having also won their first game against Ireland by ten wickets on Sunday the middle order may feel redundant. There were also wins for India, Australia and Pakistan, who are likely to be the semi-finalists.
Happy 71st birthday, Norm O'Neill. Though I only became aware of your existence ten minutes ago, apparently you were quite good at one point. Good enough to be dubbed "the new Bradman" early in your career back in the late 1950s. Many have been given that tag, from Neil Harvey to Mike Hussey, and few came close to matching it. O'Neill, with an average of 45.55 in 42 Tests and a first-class average above 50, was clearly a decent enough cricketer, yet he had made no impact on my cricketing knowledge until I read Cricinfo's On this Day column just now.
I don't think this can be put down purely to my ignorance. I read cricket history as avidly as the next geek and my knowledge of the leading players of the 1950s and 1960s is decent enough for someone born in the mid-1970s. Yet even Cricinfo's player profile of O'Neill is sparse, just one paragraph of appreciation and one solitary photo. He is one of cricket's forgotten men.
In the famous tied Test at Brisbane in 1960 (now I have heard of that), O'Neill made a career-best 181. At a rough tally I reckon I could give you some biographical detail on 13 of the 22 participants without research and O'Neill isn't one of them - I wouldn't have even known his first name.
Perhaps some of this blog's Australian readers can explain to me why O'Neill was seen as "the new Bradman" and whether he is a forgotten figure Down Under as well as in this country. It seems to sum up how fleeting fame can be. In 50 years, will we struggle to remember the likes of Graham Thorpe, Dean Jones or Damien Martyn, all of whom ended their careers with a similar average to O'Neill? If so, how sad.
I apologise in advance to some readers who, to judge from their comments on earlier posts, think that I shouldn't be writing about women's cricket (although try and be dignified and gallant, chaps). But in addition to the hilarious display by the Bermudan ladies and the noble efforts by Charlotte Edwards's XI, I came across another item of note in today's women's ODI between Ireland and Pakistan. The latter team won by 57 runs, but in their innings of 165 there were six run-outs, five of them apparently coming from the fielding of Isobel Mary Helen Cecilia Joyce (now there's a good Catholic name if ever I saw one), who is the younger sister of England's Ed. Surely after the first couple they might have got the idea not to risk taking singles to that fielder?
There were also four run-outs in Ireland's innings and the combined total - 50 per cent of the wickets that fell - is a record for any international match, Test (incl both innings) or ODI, male or female. Astounding.
Bermuda's women's team have been handed the sort of walloping today that usually only happens in nightmares, losing by ten wickets with 296 balls to go.
In a World Cup qualifier against South Africa in Stellenbosch, Bermuda batted first and were bowled out for 13 (their captain, Linda Mienzer, making a gritty 1 off 48 balls). In reply, the Bermuda opening bowler, Terry-Lynn Paynter, sent down nine wides and a no-ball before eventually getting one ball to land on the strip, which was hit for four. There was a grand sum of five scoring strokes in the match. Brilliant.
 Good news for fans of Flintoff. No, not the thirsty former England captain, whose battle with injuries may be nearing an end, but his equine namesake, who people are now talking about as a future Grand National runner.
Flintoff (both of them) had a rough 2007 but the horse showed a welcome bout of form at the weekend, coming second at odds of 66-1 in a 3.5-mile race at Haydock Park. It is too early for him to qualify for the Grand National this year (the top 40 horses make it and Flintoff is ranked at about No 100) but next year could be his time. Andy Stephens, one of The Times's top tipsters, tells me that Flintoff "loves muddy ground and running long distances but sometimes struggles to keep his mind on the job". And as for the horse...
Isa Guha was the star as England retained the Ashes in Bowral, beating Australia in the only Test (and I say again: how ridiculous that they should play only once) by six wickets. Guha, the first Asian woman to play for England, took four for 60 in Australia's second innings, bringing her match tally to nine for 100. She may have become the fourth English woman to take a Test ten-for if Karen Rolton hadn't then declared Australia's innings on 231 for nine, setting England 142 to win.
Both sides have batted so slowly this match (an overall rate of 2.08 runs per over) that 142 in just over two sessions almost seemed daunting, but the deficit was down to 45 by tea thanks to Claire Taylor's second half-century of the match and it was appropriate that she was joined by Charlotte Edwards, the captain, with whom she had made 159 runs on the second day, for the final rites.
England's achievement is significant, considering that they had lost their head coach, Mark Dobson, their experienced wicketkeeper, Jane Smit, and their star all-rounder, Jenny Gunn, to various reasons as the tour had progressed. They won't get the MBEs and the open-top bus ride - they will barely get any column inches in tomorrow's papers - but they deserve applause from all England supporters. At the very least they are a shoo-in for nomination for Line and Length's Hero of the Month competition.
 There were no surprises on the first day of the Under-19 World Cup in Malaysia today. England, the champions ten years ago, beat Ireland with ease, bowling them out for 109 and chasing the target in 16 overs. Steven Finn, with three for 21, was man of the match and his Middlesex team-mate, Billy Godleman, showed continued promise alongside James Taylor, newly signed by Leicestershire. Click here to read a preview of this year's tournament and to see what happened to that victorious England side of 1998.
Sadly, only three of them have so far played Test cricket (with Robert Key the most successful) and seven of the squad have left the first-class game altogether. Not every promising young player develops into a Sachin Tendulkar or Ricky Ponting, of course, but England's lost generation of world champions is disappointing.
Compare some of the names who played against them in that tournament ten years ago. New Zealand, who England beat in the final, had Kyle Mills, James Franklin, Lou Vincent and Hamish Marshall; India had Mohammad Kaif, Harbhajan Singh and Virender Sehwag; Pakistan had Abdul Razzaq and Shoaib Malik; West Indies had Chris Gayle, Marlon Samuels, Ramnaresh Sarwan and Daren Ganga; and Sri Lanka had Prasanna Jayawardena, Dilhara Fernando and Chamara Silva. Yet the Australia side in 1998 contained no future world-beaters (or none that have yet emerged). James Hopes and Marcus North were the biggest names, which shows how a generation has been missed by the longevity of Australia's recent players.
Elsewhere today, India started with a 195-run win against Papua New Guinea; Pakistan, the defending champions, bowled out Malaysia for 75 and won by eight wickets and Australia clocked up 312 against Namibia, with Michael Hill, the Australia captain, making the tournament's first hundred and scoring 12 sixes in the process. Australia won by 149 runs.
 It's early days, but England's women have got off to an excellent start on the first day of their Ashes series at the Bowral Oval. Actually, I call it a series but ludicrously they are playing only one Test match on this tour. When Australia's women came here, they played two but surely, given how rarely they play, three would not be impossible to stage.
Anyway, England need to win this solitary Test to retain the Ashes and they have started well by dismissing Australia for 154 in their first innings. Isa Guha, the fast bowler, bowled Alex Blackwell with her second ball and went on to take five for 40, her first Test five-for, with only Karen Rolton, the Australia captain, and Kate Blackwell showing much resistance in making 34 and 45 respectively.
In reply England were 22 for nought at stumps, although wicket-preservation was clearly the priority as they took 16 overs to do so.
Of course, if this were a male England team playing in Australia, they'd probably get bowled out for 120 tomorrow and see Australia make 500 in their second innings, but I suspect our ladies are made of sterner stuff.
 Line and Length's new monthly polls have become so popular that successful Test cricketers are retiring in droves just so that they can have the chance of winning one. Stephen Fleming is too much of a gentleman ever to be in contention for pillock of the month, so it is clearly with an eye on following Adam Gilchrist as our next hero of the month that he has announced his departure from the game this morning. He says it is something to do with his wife being due to give birth during New Zealand's summer Test series in England, but that hardly seems credible.
Fleming had potentially one of cricket's least rewarding jobs for near on a decade, yet he did it with dignity and charm and like the two fine cricketers who retired last month, Shaun Pollock and Gilchrist, he made few enemies. Captaining New Zealand these days is not as thankless a task as it was when John Reid did it - three wins in 34 Tests in the 1950s and 1960s - but highlights are few and far between, inevitably given the lack of resources. Yet he won 28 of his 80 Tests as captain and 98 of his 218 ODIs, which isn't shabby. Each time, his wicket was crucial to New Zealand's chances. He averaged more than 50 in Tests that NZ won and 42 in successful ODIs.
Maybe it is wrong to bring up the fine he received early in his Test career for smoking dope, but I do so purely to show that we can all make mistakes early on and turn out well. His batting average will be near enough to 40 when he finishes after next month's Test series with England (most of us will be hoping he does well enough to nudge it up from the present 39.73) but there have been some notable highlights to suggest that perhaps he could have done even better in a better team.
The unbeaten innings of 274 in all but 11 hours in Colombo against Sri Lanka five years ago stands out - he averages 105 from five Tests in Sri Lanka - and mention should be given to his 262 in Cape Town, when only one other New Zealander (James Franklin with 122 at No 9) made more than 50. Together they added an astounding 256 runs for the eighth wicket, the second highest in Test history.
 One final plaudit: he has been an astoundingly good county pro at Middlesex, Yorkshire and, in particular, Nottinghamshire, whom he captained to the county championship title in 2005. Here he is with some of the local wildlife. And a man in a squirrel suit too. (It's Graeme Swann on the right).
 As regular readers will know, I'm not Simon Taufel's biggest fan (all that being serious and taking lots of exercise are difficult concepts for me, not to mention the effeminate and wholly miserable way he signals a boundary), but the suggestion that he will leave the Test arena either because of more lucrative offers from India or because he is tired and over-worked (and unsupported by the ICC) leaves me feeling rather depressed.
Few would deny that Taufel is one of the best umpires in the world (Alim Dar is better for my money, but not by much) and the game needs him. It also needs Darrell Hair, who is wasted umpiring children's games and associate cricket for all that he can be a stubborn bugger.
Taufel is one of seven elite umpires who Lalit Modi, the excitable chairman of the Indian Premier League, says have signed up to officiate in the Twenty20 competition. Yet this is not feasible. There are two Tests in England and two in West Indies that clash with the IPL and there may be a clash at the start of the tournament with the Australia v Pakistan series if it goes ahead. Only Hair, Dar and Steve Bucknor have not been signed up by IPL, if you believe Modi, which raises the question of who will be standing in a Test on their own.
Whether Hair will get his contract renewed and be allowed to umpire Tests again will be decided by the ICC board on March 18. He has taken a course in improving his communications skills, as required as part of his rehabilitation following the row at the Oval in 2006 (see L&L passim), and has kept his nose clean. Should he be given his full job back, he and Taufel are likely to be joined by two new colleagues on the elite panel of umpires, which is to be increased from ten to 12 and should reduce workloads, but surely they won't be rushed into place in time to stand in for their IPL-bound colleagues, nor should they be.
 I have learnt that the ICC is also considering appointing a four-man selection panel for umpires, which will choose the members of the elite panel. Names I have heard mentioned in association with the four places are David Richardson, the ICC general manager, David "Bumble" Lloyd, the commentator and former England head coach, Ranjan Madugalle, the respected match referee, and Brian Aldridge. Sadly for those of us who are fans of The Archers, this is probably the New Zealand former Test umpire rather than the caddish rogue of Grange Farm, played by the cricket-loving Charles Collingwood (pictured). Although I'd like to be wrong on this.
 As a rule, I take little interest in one-day internationals. Few offer much excitement and for every South Africa v Australia in Jo'burg in 2006 (chasing 434 to win) there are dozens of one-sided contests. England have just been walloped by New Zealand for the second ODI running, having trounced their hosts in two lopsided Twenty20 matches beforehand. We are four games into a string of 17 consecutive internationals of one form or another between these two. Please God let some of them be close.
New Zealand polished off the target at a rate of nine an over, yet it is England's batting rather than their bowling that gives most concern. For all the talk of a revival after series wins against Sri Lanka and India, five of England's past seven innings have been below 200 (one was a victorious run-chase but given that they were 164 for eight against Sri Lanka they would probably have struggled to chase 200).
England's line-up in those seven matches has been almost unchanged (the one swap being Panesar for Swann for one game in Colombo). There have been only six scores above 40 - three by Cook - and the averages are grim. Only Cook averages over 30 (just), the rest are dreadful: Pietersen (24.5), Shah (20), Mustard (19), Bopara (19 - with three not-outs!), Collingwood (14) and Bell (11). In fact, the only plus are the contributions from down the order, with Swann and Broad each making three innings of 18 or more.
It is hard to pinpoint what has gone wrong. These were essentially the same players who passed 280 four times against India in the summer (Prior was the main change and he hardly set the series alight). Yes, we seem to have uncovered a knack for running each other out, with six in the past two matches, but the main thing is a failure to hang around for the 20+ overs that each batsman ought to set as their minimum. Any ideas out there?
 Line and Length continues its trip around the world, moving from Germany to Uganda, where an MCC tour party will arrive tomorrow under the captaincy of Jamie Dalrymple, the England all-rounder. The team will feature some fairly impressive county names, such as Alex Wharf, Mark Wagh and Bilal Shafayat. MCC fashionistas will be pleased to see that Uganda's flag colours are reassuringly familiar.
The tour was originally due to take in Kenya, where Dalrymple was born, but because of the political unrest that leg of the trip has been abandoned. Instead, MCC is paying for the Kenyan under-19 side to travel to Uganda to play them. However, the local press may be disappointed when they discover their country is playing host to a team of Englishmen, rather than Australians. A couple of weeks ago, The New Vision ("Uganda's leading website"), reported that a team from Melbourne Cricket Club, "the famous Lords cricket oval in Australia", would be arriving. Think they had the wrong MCC there...
Uganda, who had representatives competing as part of the East Africa team in the first World Cup, have been developing well since becoming an ICC associate member ten years ago. They were promoted to the World Cricket League Division 2, but were relegated in December after coming fifth of the six countries who competed in the division tournament in Namibia. However, if they come in the top two in Division 3 next year, they will enter a qualifying tournament for the 2011 World Cup.
Here's a fact of the day: the German word for umpire is schiedsrichter, which loosely and inelegantly translates as "judge of arbitrations". I learnt this from the ever enjoyable Beyond the Test World column on Cricinfo, which links to a story from the Gulf News about Paul Baldwin, an English-born but German naturalised umpire (he's not even been back to the UK for 17 years), who has been appointed to stand in the under-19 World Cup, which starts in Malaysia in a little over a week.
Cricket is growing in popularity in Germany and it is good to see an umpire from an associate nation be given the honour of standing at a fairly prestigious tournament. I presume there is no rule that specifies that an intenational umpire has to be from a Test nation, although obviously they would have to be based in one so that they get enough first-class experience. Germans would make ideal umpires (and yes, I am about to pander to stereotype in the search of a cheap joke) with their lack of humour, high work ethic and impressively efficient ability to follow rules to the letter. In fact, are we sure Simon Taufel isn't German?
To encourage Baldwin, then, here are five other famous Germans:
Shane Warne: Nothing has been heard since last summer about Herr Transplant's plans to take up his mother's German nationality, although given how little Warne plans to be with Hampshire this year perhaps it would help them if he could so they can sign another overseas player. Just don't mention the Waugh.
Ollie Rayner: Sussex's 22-year-old 6ft 5in off spinner was born in Fallingbostel and is regarded as one to watch. Most famous so far for being the first Sussex player since 1920 to score a hundred on debut.
Bill Frindall: With that beard, how could the Test Match Special scorer refuse an offer to become patron of the German Cricket Board in 2006?
Paul Terry: The Hampshire batsman was born in Osnabruck and had an astounding sequence of high scores in 1984 before by being called up by England, at which point Winston Davis broke his arm and ended his Test career.
Donald Carr: The future England (one-cap) captain was born in Wiesbaden but as his countrymen were in retreat across Europe he made his first-class debut in 1945 for an England XI at Lord's against the Australian servicemen. He was some schoolboy cricketer, picked alongside the likes of Hutton, Washbrook, Hammond and Edrich. Never quite lived up that first match.
Famously, Germany lost the final of the European Nations Cup in 1997 to France by one run, when the French last man, David Bordes, staggered home for a crucial leg-bye with a fractured skull. It was named as one of Wisden's 100 best games of the century.
It is apt timing that on the day when a lawyer representing the British Government admits in court, referring to the abandoned promise for a referendum on the EU Constitution, that "manifesto pledges are not subject to legitimate expectation", it should turn out that Gordon Brown's tough language on Zimbabwe was also bulls*** and bravado.
A month ago it was revealed that Downing Street was discussing the Zimbabwe situation with the ECB. It was spun that the Government would take the decision out of the ECB's hands and bar the Zimbabwe cricket team from touring in 2009, although there was speculation that the ban would be bent to allow Zimbabwe to compete in the World Twenty20.
Yet in a debate in the House of Lords yesterday, that noted cricket-lover Bill Morris called for a sporting boycott of Zimbabwe, saying that we should copy the tough stance of John Howard, the former Australian PM. However, the response of Lord Malloch-Brown, the Foreign Office minister, appeared to signal a softening of the Government's position.
"The Foreign Secretary ... have made it clear that we do not encourage the England and Wales Cricket Board to allow Zimbabwe to tour England in 2009 or England to tour Zimbabwe in 2012 if the situation in the country is as it is now," he said. "We continue to speak to the ECB about these issues but it remains a decision for the board. We have decided that the Government can make their position clear, but that it is not for us to intervene directly in this matter."
In other words, the buck is being passed back to the ECB. I'm sure they must be delighted. Not least because without an official ban by the Government, the ECB would cop a fine from the ICC if they decide to cancel the tour. Will the Government use our money to underwrite that fine?
Of course, Pillock-Brown could have just made one of his famous cock-ups. He has already made a few gaffes since taking his job last year, including saying that Britain and America were no longer joined at the hip, that Britain should hold talks with Hamas and Hezbollah and that Tony Blair was wrong to publish a dossier (even if it was dodgy) setting out the reasons for going to war with Iraq.
 There is a lovely story for old romantics in The Australian today about Adam Gilchrist and his Wonder Bat. The Puma Ballistic could have been crafted by Ollivander, the wand-manufacturer in Harry Potter, such are the magical powers that Gilchrist believes his bat possesses.
He got it before last winter's Ashes series and it felt just right - as if it had a core made from a phoenix feather - from the start. Gilchrist made 100 off 57 balls in Perth with it and then took every effort to ensure that it had a long life ("nursing it as if it was an orphaned marsupial" as Peter Lalor writes).
Many attributed Gilchrist's epic World Cup-winning innings in Barbados to the squash ball he stuffed in his glove, but he believes it was down to the Wonder Bat. It was also the same weapon he used to hit his 100th six out of the ground in Hobart last autumn. Like its master, the bat held on for long enough to see out its Test career in Adelaide before, sob sob, the end came in the Twenty20 match last week when Gilchrist swung hard at a ball and the handle of the bat came detached.
"I might try and see if there is any more life in it," Gilchrist said before his final few one-day games. But he knows that like the man himself, the end of the road for Wonder Bat is drawing near.
 I have a small story in tomorrow's paper for which there was only 100 words of space (sadly Fabio Capello had no opinion on it otherwise it might have got more) but is worth a wider airing. From 2010 Lord's will have to bid for the right to host the final of the Friends Provident Trophy, the one-day cup competition that has been held in St John's Wood each year under a variety of sponsors' guises since 1963. It is being added to a "major matches" list, including Tests and ODIs, which will be open to tender. Edgbaston is believed to be interested in bidding to stage the final and Hampshire will probably chuck its hat in the ring too.
Lord's is going to bid competitively to keep the cup final. Keith Bradshaw, the secretary of MCC, told me that "it is right that such matches should be played at the home of cricket and most teams want to play there", but as Lord's seeks investment for a large expansion project it could do with the long-term surety of knowing it will stage certain events. MCC fears that Lord's will not be allowed to hold the two Tests a year to which it has been accustomed, which also affects its revenue stream.
Now I understand the competition and can see why the ECB wants to up the money raised from big events by encouraging grounds to bid more, but I feel there are some events that should be kept at Lord's. The cup final is one of those events counties aspire to - just look at the joy of Durham fans last year on reaching their first one - and part of the attraction is the fact it has always been held at one place. You wouldn't move the FA Cup final from Wembley (now that it is rebuilt) or the leading tennis tournament from Wimbledon.
Moreover, Lord's is geared towards the uncertainty of staging a match for which the competitors will be unknown until a month beforehand. It may not geographically be in the centre of England, but historically it is and lots of people buy tickets well in advance without knowing who will be in the final, while the ground is large enough and the ticket-sales operation well drilled enough to enable the finalists' supporters to get tickets. But suppose the final is moved to Southampton. It is hard to see, say, Lancashire and Durham supporters buying tickets on spec - and even when the final is known, would they really want to travel so far?
Chances are Lord's will still stage future finals; they'll just have to pay more for the privilege. But is that right? Over to you.
As Phil Mustard prepares for tomorrow's Twenty20 international, the man who he replaced as England wicketkeeper has opened his heart in this interview in the Brighton Argus. Matt Prior was dropped after some poor performances with the gloves in Sri Lanka (although, as is the way of these things, his batting was rather good) but the Sussex wicketkeeper says "I paid the price for one bad day at the office."
Prior has returned to Hove to iron out the "technical flaws" in his keeping with Alec Stewart. "Sri Lanka is a difficult place to keep wicket," Prior said and defended his poor catching in the final Test in Galle by pointing to the fact that the previous week in Colombo he conceded only one bye in 197 overs. "I don't think I am far off being good enough for the international stage at all. In fact, for a lot of the time I was keeping wicket for England I was doing a great job."
Unfortunately, Prior was in bed in New York when the news came through that he had been dropped. David Graveney, the former chairman of selectors, had not given Prior warning that he was about to get bad news and he boarded a plane at Heathrow the day before the official announcement thinking he might be in the squad. Prior was dozing as the news was announced to the British media: "My phone was vibrating and I expected to be a message from Stewy saying congratulations but when I saw it said it wasn't good news it was a bit of a shock." Hopefully, Geoff Miller can improve the way in which players are given bad news in the future.
In his column in The Times this morning, Shane Warne brought further bad news to those Hampshire fans already miffed that he is putting poker and the Indian Premier League ahead of taking on Lancashire or Sussex. "I would like to be able to take Advanced Hair Studios into India and this may be a way in," Warne writes. Fair enough, he has to think about life after retiring and if he wants to make his money from flogging hair then good luck to him.
 But it raised a query in my mind about balding Indian cricketers. See, for some reason I can't equate Indian cricketers with baldness. Sri Lankans, yes, thanks to Jayasuriya and Atapattu, but top-level Indian cricketers have always seemed to have plenty of hair. Of the present crop, if you excuse the word, there are some majestically flowing locks on the heads of Ishant Sharma, RP Singh and Sreesanth and the rest seem reasonably well-covered. If Ganguly and Tendulkar wear their hair short, it still doesn't suggest the need to go for the treatment that Warne promotes.
 But then I came across these pictures of Vinod Kambli (top) and Virender Sehwag, who normally hides his head under a cap or, when batting, a headscarf. Might they be the first customers for Dr Warne's miracle grow treatment?
 I shouldn't let these things annoy me, but one quote leapt out in this press release from the ECB about Lord's being recommended to host the final of the 2009 World Twenty20. It's from Steve Elworthy, the former South Africa bowler and tournament director for World Twenty20, who says that last year's final "made broadcasting history in India with 1.4bn tuning in for the final".
I know that the ECB has to drum up interest from advertisers and so it is understandable that they should inflate the viewing figures to ensure maximum revenues, but that figure simply is not credible. Not remotely. For a start, the population estimate for the entirety of India last July was just over 1.1bn. Even allowing for a quarter of them inviting their Pakistani friends round to watch the final, that would mean the entire country watched it.
Now Indians are immense cricket lovers, but I suspect that the final was watched by maybe a fifth of that at best. I can't find figures for TV ownership in India, but the number of mobile phones owned, according to the same data source as the population figures, is 166 million and the number of internet users in India is 60 million. I find it hard to believe that there are many more TV owners, but even allowing for people watching the game in bars, it is surely more reasonable to assume the TV audience for the World Twenty20 was 250 million tops. Which is still quite impressive.
But maybe Elworthy meant global TV audience? If so, he is still way out. Fifa estimates that one billion people worldwide watched the 2006 World Cup football final - and that figure has been discredited. Fifa's TV figures are compiled, would you believe, by the same company that negotiates TV rights. Their chief executive is Philippe Blatter, nephew of Sepp, the man who runs world football. It is suspected that the true worldwide viewing figure for the football World Cup final was between 260 and 400 million.
So Elworthy is saying that the World Twenty20 was more than three times popular than the football World Cup? Hmmm... I know I'm being a pedant, but there is a difference between overstating and being a (you guessed it) pillock.
Tempers may have calmed in the India and Australia camps after the Harbhajan Singh abuse case, but the effects are still being felt. In New Zealand, a club cricketer has been banned for four matches for calling a Sri Lankan opponent a "f***ing monkey". I'm surprised the abuser didn't call on Chetan Chauhan as a witness for the defence, after the India manager said that monkey was just a term of affection in India (although maybe in Sri Lanka it is different).
No matter, as Ben McCord, the intemperate player in question, has been banned simply for abusive language (the charge that got Harbhajan a fine) rather than racial abuse. Clearly there are higher standards of behaviour in New Zealand club cricket than the in the ICC. What is interesting here, though, is that neither the abused batsman, nor his batting partner, heard the abuse. McCord was banned purely on a complaint by the umpire. Imagine if that happened in an international match; there would be demands for the umpire to be banned from ever officiating again.
Apologies for a couple of days off. So, what have I missed? Quite a bit, it seems, so here are some plaudits...
**While Wales's rugger buggers were ending their 20-year winless streak at Twickenham on Saturday, the England women's cricket team were preparing to end their own 20-year record of losses. On Sunday, they beat Australia in an ODI Down Under for the first time since 1988, Jenny Gunn leading the way with bat and ball. Normal service was resumed this morning when they went down by 84 runs, thanks to Australia's Blackwell twins, a womanly version of the Waughs, making 101 and 57 respectively.
**Shaun Pollock ended his international career on a high in his final ODI. Who says the South Africans don't do sentiment? With 26 needed and six overs to get them in, the South Africans promoted Pollock to No 4 in the batting order to allow him the chance of hitting the winnings runs. Norman Arendse, the chairman of the South Africa board, makes an early dash for February's Pillock of the Month prize by diluting the moment and using the presentation to wish his daughter happy birthday. Time and a place, Norman.
**Australia resumed combat with India, but the first match of the Commonwealth Bank Series (a trophy, I remind you, that England still hold on to for the time being) is abandoned after heavy rain. Brett Lee took a cheap five-for to bowl India out for under 200. Meanwhile, some brainless oiks chucked eggs at Murali in Hobart.
**And finally, the next match in the CB Series begins tomorrow, between Sri Lanka and India, and I was delighted, not to mention astounded, to see that Sanath Jayasuriya is still playing (and being assaulted by Tasmanian bowlers). I thought he might have finally headed for the Colombo rest home after last year, but no. Benevolent Uncle Sanath, as King Cricket always calls him, rumbles on towards his twentieth year of international cricket and this blog salutes his longevity. When Jayasuriya made his international debut, the England one-day team included Wayne Larkins, Eddie Hemmings and David Capel. Happy days...
After the pillock poll, something a bit more positive. On the first day of each month, I'll be asking you to decide who deserves our applause from the previous month. It could be for a marvellous innings or spell of bowling, an inspirational piece of captaincy or even to salute someone who has given us enjoyment over a long career. Hopefully there will be more contenders for hero than pillock, but here are my six choices. Vote, and then let me know who else you want to praise.
Michael Clarke: not for his batting but for taking three wickets for five runs in 11 balls in Sydney that won a tight Test and ultimately gave Australia the series.
Chris Gayle: Marlon Samuels scored the most runs in West Indies' Test series with South Africa and Shiv Chanderpaul was his usual immovable self, but Gayle, who missed the third Test with injury, gets the nomination for coming out to bat in Cape Town in West Indies' second innings at No 11, with a dodgy hamstring and a badly bruised thumb, and proceeding to add 70 runs with Chanderpaul in a last-wicket stand that took barely 11 overs. Great to watch and it gave WIndies a slim hope of victory.
Adam Gilchrist: the Australia wicketkeeper still has a few one-day internationals to play, but his Test career is over. Two thirds of our readers rated him the best all-rounder ever (which I'm not sure I agree with - have they forgotten Ronnie Irani?) but he was certainly a very fine player.
Matthew Hayden: three hundreds in three Tests against India (the first admittedly in 2007) and an average of 82. Australia missed him badly in Perth.
Irfan Pathan: Sachin Tendulkar and VVS Laxman had a great Test series against Australia but Pathan stood out in the one Test India won. Dropped after making 100 against Pakistan in early December, he was recalled for the third Test in Perth, made 46 runs as nightwatchman and took five wickets, including both openers twice.
Shaun Pollock: the South Africa all-rounder and former captain has decided to retire - and he did it in style with four for 35 in Durban. Like Gilchrist, he leaves the game with many more friends than enemies.
Against my better instincts, I turned on the Twenty20 international just now and was immediately assaulted by a hideous display of Australian crass ignorance that really offended me. No, not a mid-over mic conversation between Roy and Slats, but an advert for some new Australian TV series called Underbelly, which had the caption "coming soon on Wednesday's". Yuck. Thought it was only the English who let their apostrophes loose in that way.
Australia are on top at the moment, with half the India wickets down in the first seven overs. Sehwag left thanks to one helluva piece of fielding by Michael Clarke, a dive down, bounce up and throw the wicket down from gully sort of thing. Great stuff. But this isn't proper cricket, is it? By the way, why is Brett Lee called Binga?
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