Line and Length - Times Online - WBLG

They just keep going, and going, and going, and...

We have all played in matches where it has been tough to shift a stubborn pair of batsmen, but the South Africa openers' efforts against Bangladesh today take some beating. At close of play in Chittagong, Graeme Smith and Neil McKenzie have steered South Africa to 405 for nought. That's nine runs shy of Pankaj Roy and Vinoo Mankad's world record for the first wicket.

I wonder at what point the Bangladesh fielders started to wonder whether they would ever get them out? At lunch (92-0, when it was already a SA record against Bangladesh)? Tea (236-0)? Or when, finally, a chance came in the 75th over only for Mohammad Rafique to drop a caught and bowled chance when McKenzie was on 131. McKenzie finished the day on 169 and Smith on 223.

It's a pretty flat pitch, needless to say, and I was always taught never to make a judgment until both sides have had a bat on it. Bangladesh may yet make 600. Yes.....

February's Pillock of the Month

Yes, it's back. The monthly contest that cricket's elite fear (or at the very least are indifferent to): Pillock of the Month. Who will follow in Andrew Symonds's substantial footsteps this month after the Australia all-rounder was named cricket's biggest pillock by 27 per cent of you, with votes coming in from places like Colorado, Rome and Umea in Sweden? Surprisingly there were a few votes for him from India, too. Here are this month's six contenders. You'll be glad to know that I am so bored with the weed v redneck row that I've not included any current India or Australia players.

Sir Ian Botham may act tough but he is just a big jessy, after it was revealed that he had refused to commentate on England's one-day match in Hamilton because the portable building that Sky was broadcasting from was too high. Not quite as high as Botham's reported earnings from Sky but pretty high nonetheless.

The ICC chief executives' committe, who announced that the 2011 World Cup will feature two fewer associate nations (albeit with the substantial plus of a reduction in the tournament's duration). They get bonus points for announcing the news, which will hit the wallets of the smaller nations, on the same day that the big-name players were being auctioned for millions of dollars in India.

Giles Clarke, chairman of the ECB, who suggested that Test matches should be played in the evening under floodlights because otherwise the game would only attract "anoraks". Thanks to Ann, one of many much-loved anoraks among this blog's readers, who felt a bit offended by that and nominated Clarke.

Lord Mark Malloch-Brown, the Foreign Office Minister, who said that the Government would not intervene to prevent Zimbabwe from touring England next year. He was soon slapped down by his superiors, who reminded him that the government policy was to back the ECB.

Jesse Ryder, the New Zealander who was heading for the hero of the month award with some impressive batting performances in the one-day series against England, before being ruled out of the Test series after injuring his hand trying to get access to a locked toilet by breaking a window. What a prize pillock!

Shane Warne, who almost has to be admired for admitting that he was putting his body up for auction in the Indian Premier League partly so that he could use it as a way of promoting his work with Advanced Hair Studios. Warne attracted a bid of about £220,000, which didn't even place him in the top 40 of the most expensive players. What's more, Andrew Symonds and MS Dhoni, the auction's biggest winners, have better hair than Warne.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Does Strauss deserve a recall?

Update: I wrote the post below yesterday, since when Strauss has hit an unbeaten 55 in England's second innings. Has he done enough to win selection or should Shah still be the man who gets the nod? Vote in our poll below.

Across the Tasman Sea, more than 1,000 miles from the petty name-calling between the weed and the redneck, a Test series is about to start, a blessed oasis in the noxious flood of limited-overs cricket that we have had for the past month. England will start their Test series against New Zealand in Hamilton next Wednesday, but who should make the starting XI?

There are three questions, of which the role of Andrew Strauss is the most pressing. Strauss, as we know, was dropped for England's tour to Sri Lanka before Christmas after a bad run of scores going back to 2006, his last hundred coming 13 Tests ago. He has worked hard in the nets during the winter to prove his dedication, although what player ever says that he hasn't work hard? (Apart from Phil Tufnell and that was only ever for effect.) He also, perhaps more pertinently, has a lucrative central contract that was earning him money for doing nothing.

Strauss then arranged to go and play some one-day cricket for Northern Districts in the hope that he would catch the selectors' eyes for the New Zealand tour. It worked. Or rather the declaration of going to New Zealand worked. Maybe the England selectors just didn't want to have to buy him a return ticket. Certainly, one innings aside, he did next to nothing for Northern Districts. Strauss made 106 in one innings and 73 in total in his other four. He then joined England and made scores of 4 and, this morning, 5 against second-string New Zealand bowlers.

It is hard on Strauss, who is desperate to resume his Test career, but as this blogger recalls from the days when he was allowed to chase girls, desperation is rarely reason enough. He should not be considered for next week's match until he shows some form in the middle. Owais Shah, who made 96 on Monday, should take his place. As for the other dilemmas in selection, Phil Mustard and Tim Ambrose are competing for the wicketkeeper's place, with Ambrose apparently getting the nod by being picked for this morning's game (he made 12, more than any of the batsmen apart from Pietersen and Cook); while Chris Tremlett, rather than James Anderson or Stuart Broad, appears most likely to take the third seamer's place in Ryan Sidebottom's absence with injury.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Sticks and stones...

I imagine that I am not the only person who has grown weary of this winter's series between India and Australia. Not just the never-ending stream of one-day matches (12 games before we get to a final, give me a break) but the tawdry diplomatic quarrels. What started as a fascinating battle between cricket's super-powers has descended into mud-slinging and pettiness. Australia have proved themselves the champions at needless bullying while India have shown that they are incapable of turning the other cheek and have seen offence in even the mildest sledging.

At least we have started to see some wit entering the sledging row. Matthew Hayden has called Harbhajan Singh, Australia's gadfly all winter, an "obnoxious weed", which seems rather appropriate for a cricketer who has too often sprung up at the wrong time in unwanted places. No doubt India are drafting a letter of complaint about the comment, but instead of getting indignant, why don't they just take the mickey back? King Cricket has become a master at taunting Hayden if India want any tips. This one is particularly good.

The news that India have complained about Australia after Hayden called Harbhajan "mad boy" is really quite pathetic. Naturally they are sore that Ishant Sharma was fined for "pointing at the pavilion in an aggressive manner" after getting Andrew Symonds out at the SCG and want to fight back.

Personally I don't see what was wrong with what Sharma did, but it is nonetheless an offence punishable under the ICC code of conduct, while teasing isn't. "Mad boy" is not remotely offensive (don't say it is an insult to loonies). Claiming that Australia were provoking them into breaking the code is not good enough. India have to learn to rise above it. They may find that if they don't react so hilariously over-affronted each time an Australian has a pop, the abuse will come less often.

Australia, of course, flirt with the line of what is acceptable constantly. I would like to see some of them, Symonds in particular, tone it down a little. They are good enough to beat India without sledging, but as long as they don't use racial or immoderately aggressive language there is little that India can do according to the ICC rules.

The response of Michael Vaughan to Ricky Ponting during the 2005 Ashes is a good lesson to learn from. When Ponting started to chirrup, Vaughan just gave him a withering look and said "Who do you think you are? Steve Waugh?" It was patronising and dismissive and wound up Ponting like hell. Reacting to Australia's abuse only makes them determined to do more of it. Perhaps India should just focus on beating Australia at cricket instead.

India oust England in Under-19 World Cup

Well, that title says it all really. England's batting failed again, but although they were bowled out for 146 the end didn't come until the 46th over, which shows the difficulty they had getting the Indian bowling away. James Taylor ended his impressive tournament with 41 off 88 balls and Ben Brown, the Sussex wicketkeeper, hit 24 off 27 balls, but no one else made an impact. India lost three wickets in reaching the target, with Taruwar Kohli scoring 63 not out.

India will face the winner of tomorrow's game between Sri Lanka and New Zealand, while South Africa will play Pakistan or Australia after walloping Bangladesh by 201 runs. Wayne Parnell, the Springboks captain, had as complete an all-round performance as you could want, making a run-a-ball fifty and then returning the astonishing figures of six for eight. Sportingly, he took himself off after five overs.

Dead men walking

Scarcity of space at Taunton is a grave matter for Somerset. Literally, as in order to make the county ground larger and create more room for Marcus Trescothick's meaty biffing, the county has gained permission from the Bishop of Bath and Wells to purchase part of the adjacent cemetery and move the long deceased inhabitants to a communal mound grave.

Since The Times is a serious and highbrow newspaper, we would normally be above any puerile punning about the deceased but since this blog borrows much of its attempts at humour from Radio 4's I'm Sorry I Haven't A Clue, it is perhaps time to follow in the spirit of Graeme Garden et al and announce the late arrivals at cricket's funeral ball:

David Graveney, Tomb Moody, Kapil Death, Derek Undertaker, John Embalmery, Greg Chapel, Ken Buryington, Adam Gilcrypt, WG (State of) Grace, Dug Walters, Wasim Bury...

I'm sure you can do better.

England collapse against Bangladesh

The trouble with recording consecutive ten-wicket wins against modest opposition is that when your middle order eventually has to do a job, they tend to be a bit rusty. So it was for England in their final group match in the Under-19 World Cup today. They beat Bermuda and Ireland with ridiculous ease, then the bowlers did the hard part and bowled Bangladesh out for 149, with James Harris, of Glamorgan, taking five for 20. That should have been that, especially when Billy Godleman and James Taylor continued their fine form, putting on 35 for the first wicket.

And then it started to go wrong as wickets began to fall. 35 for nought became 69 for four and though Tom Westley and Dan Redfern added 44 more runs before the next wicket, the tail collapsed and Bangladesh won by 13 runs. England may perhaps be regretting a lack of ruthlessness when they had Bangladesh 49 for seven.

So instead of a quarter-final against South Africa, England will have to do it the hard way and play India, whose captain, Virat Kohli, made 100 off 74 balls today to send West Indies out of the competition. Pakistan will play Australia and New Zealand will play Sri Lanka in the other quarter-finals.

Who will be the IPL benchwarmers?

We ought not to forget in the rush of big names being signed to IPL teams that only four foreign players can play in each match. Obviously, building a roster is important and not all foreign players will be available for the whole tournament, but there will be some famous names with big price tickets who will be acting as expensive cheerleaders if everyone is available. Here's who could be left warming the bench, taking the likeliest starters from the foreign consignments for each team.

Hyderabad: Starters: Gilchrist, Symonds, Vaas, Afridi. Benchwarmers: Gibbs, Styris, Zoysa (minimum cost of unused players: $860,000 - which will increase substantially when/if Symonds goes on Australia duty)

Chennai: Starters: Hayden, Muralitharan, Oram, Morkel. Benchwarmers: Fleming, Ntini, M Hussey (cost: $900,000, plus Hayden and Oram will miss the latter stages)

Mohali: Starters: Jayawardena, Sangakkara, Lee, Katich. Benchwarmer: Sarwan (cost: $225,000, Lee and Sarwan will miss the end of the tournament)

Kolkata: Starters: McCullum, Gul, Gayle, Ponting. Benchwarmers: D Hussey, Shoaib Akhtar, Taibu (cost: $1.225 million, with McCullum, Gayle and Ponting to miss the end)

Mumbai: Starters: Pollock, Malinga, Fernando, Bosman. No benchwarmers.

Bangalore: Starters: Kallis, Boucher, Steyn, Bracken. Benchwarmers: White, Chanderpaul (cost: $700,000, plus Bracken in late May)

Delhi: Starters: Vettori, Shoaib Malik, De Villiers, McGrath. Benchwarmers: Asif, Dilshan, Maharoof (cost: $1.125 million, one of the three will replace Vettori when NZ tour England)

Jaipur: Starters: Warne, Smith, Akmal. Benchwarmer: Langer won't be playing IPL this year. (cost: $200,000)

Bermuda win match

Hold the back page! Hot on the heels of a comment complaining that we only focus on Bermuda for the wrong reasons comes the joyous news that Bermuda has won a match. The heroes are the under-19 team, who beat Ireland in Malaysia this morning in the kiddies' World Cup. Both sides had lost heavily to England and Bangladesh, who play tomorrow for the top space in group D, but they concocted a thrilling match for the wooden spoon at the Royal Selangor Club today. Bermuda made 221 for nine and then Ireland, having been 98 for one halfway through the reply, collapsed to 201 all out.

Tomorrow's crunch match is India v West Indies, which the Caribbean side have to win in order to progress to the quarter-finals. I wonder whether any of the India team have noticed how much Ishant Sharma, who is only 19 and was playing with the teenage side last year, is being paid to play in the Indian Premier League?

I must add, as someone who has never been shy about having a go at the ICC, that the web coverage of the tournament by the governing body has been outstanding, with videos, up-to-date scores and interviews. Visit this website and see. If only the ICC could stick to running websites rather than organising the game itself.

FOOTNOTE: For all the glory of their teenagers, Bermuda's women had another calamity today, bowled out for 44 on their way to a 179-run defeat at the hands of the mighty Papua New Guinea (birthland of Geraint Jones lest we scoff). And yes, Bermuda may lack resources but they still had to beat Canada to qualify for this World Cup qualifying competition, which says little for the Canadian ladies.

Symonds never buys his round

All the bitterness is coming out now in the aftermath of the IPL auction. Ricky Ponting was rather depressed that he fetched only $400,000 for his services and that Andrew Symonds has come out of the whole monkeygate furore with a cool $1.35 million. "I thought I might have been able to attract a little bit more than that," Ponting said. "The fact I haven't made a lot of runs over the last couple of weeks probably hasn't helped much. But realistically we as Australian players probably won't be able to take part in the first couple of years of the event anyway."

Not unless you do what Symonds has done and put the money ahead of going to Pakistan. Ponting went on: "I've already sent Symmo a few messages saying that any time I go out with him from now on it's his shout, which is not always the case with Symmo either, he's pretty much the first one to dodge a shout whenever he can."

Ouch. If I were Symonds, I'd make sure I buy champagne for the whole dressing-room and then refuse to give Ponting a glass.