Who is March's Pillock of the Month?

It's the last day of March, which means that it is time once again for Line and Length's Cricket Pillock of the Month competition. Jesse Ryder, the Kiwi opening batsman who missed the Test series after injuring himself breaking into a lavatory, was February's winner, attracting more than 500 votes from Naperville, Illinois, to Curitiba, Brazil, passing through Beijing, Hanoi and Taipei. If there is one thing that unites the world, it is a prize fool. Who will follow in his footsteps? Here are the contenders, have your vote. And remember to come back tomorrow for the Hero of the Month poll.

Mohammad Ashraful had a bad month. The Bangladesh captain began it by making 0 and 4 in two Test innings against South Africa, followed it with 8, 0 and 9 in three one-day innings against the same opponents and was then fined 25 per cent of his month's pay by his board for slapping a spectator who had told him he was rubbish.

The Colts Cricket Club in Sri Lanka, coached by former one-day great Romesh Kaluwitharana, lost a match after being penalised for time-wasting. Hardly created headlines across the world, but I found it interesting. The Moors, their opponents, were two runs shy of victory when the match was ended for bad light, then the umpires decided to give the Moors five penalty runs because the Colts had been wasting time, which turned a draw into a defeat. Full marks to the umpires for bravery.

Angus Fraser was booked for speeding by the New Zealand police during the recent Test series. Well, most of us have done that - even if we haven't been caught by a speed gun - so I can't criticise him too much, but it does give a chance to make a joke about it being nice that one England bowler topped 90mph during the tour.

Stephen Harmison was dropped from the England team after starting the New Zealand tour the way he always tends to start tours these days, spraying the ball around at 80mph and looking for all the world as if he didn't want to be there. Finished the Test with match figures of 1-121 and a fairly lucky one it was too. Were England right to drop him? Ninety-seven per cent of you thought they were.

The New Zealand Mat(t)hews, Bell and Sinclair, were walking wickets at the top of the order against England. Bell, the opener, had three ducks in six innings and only a final-gasp fifty brought him to the respectability of an average of 19.5; Sinclair, the No 4, got off the mark every time, which makes his average of 11.8 in six innings all the more remarkable.

Robert Ogilvie, a Brisbane man, decided to streak during the second Commonwealth Bank Series final between India and Australia and ended up poleaxed by Andrew Symonds. I'm not condemning him for streaking (you have to admire his balls, so to speak) but if you are going to run starkers at a cricketer, why pick on someone built like a brick dunny? Ogilvie did well to escape without a broken shoulder.

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Comments

[The Pav]

My Dear Ann,

I am hurt, wounded to the quick by you calling me foul mouthed.

I have only shown you the greatest respect.

What comments of mine could be called foul mouthed?

PS. Thanks for the luncheon

[Ann]

All true, except that I don't orbit any conundrums ... ;-)
I am neither ancient nor young. I did a little gentle bowling yesterday (my bowling is definitely superior to my batting), and came to the sad conclusion that I have been neglecting my bowling practice and need to work on my line and length, and could benefit from choosing to concentrate on either extra bounce or cunning spin.
Be that as it may, my references to age were about mentality, not about chronological measurements.

[Peter McGuinness]

Oscar,

Ann Bowlin.

Genius. And topical too, considering the movie about same, now screening. Nice to see someone sharing my struggles with the bottle old mate.

The fact that I laughed out loud indicates that I should attend my meetings more regularly.

Although you may consider yourself a senior citizen, Oscar, do keep in mind that you may well be quite junior to Ann. For who really knows?

She is an enigma wrapped in mystery, residing in a riddle which orbits a conundrum.

[Ann]

No problem, Peter ;-)

Well, I dare say I would show more combativeness than Bell, but that's hardly saying much, is it?

As to the frothing-at-the-mouth
Nathan, who has nothing better to do in his sad life than go on and on about me and then has the nerve to talk about MY rants: sorry to ruin your day, mate, but I couldn't care less whether adolescent boys like you think I have 'credibility'. The same goes for the equally foul-mouthed Pav.

[Oscar the Grouch]

Ann - thanks for the licence you extend me to ignore you, I shall utilise it fully in the future. However, I thought I should also deeply thank you for your description of me - as a fairly correct BMI sexagenerian, being considered a little boy is exciting news indeed. I most certainly won't dwell on the image of relativity with yourself that you present, that would be most ungentlepersonly.

Peter - I am much inclined to agree with your suggestion that Ann be on the English team, but surely one would want to see Ann bowlin'? Sorry about that, folks..

[The Pav]

My Dear Anne,

I hold you in the greatest respect but,

Firstly, let me thank you for luncheon.

Secondly, anybody who expresses admiration for Harbajahn Singh is clearly (umm how can I put it tactfully) crackers. I can only assume you were under the influence.

To admire such as whilst disparaging Symonds is a gross error of judgement.perhaps you should consider therapy.

Thirdly,I only used the ladies names as a symbol.

Fourthly, I sawed through the branch quite deliberately. I espied a soft landing place!

[Nathan]

ann definitely deserves the vote for this month.

It's nice that she provides a laugh for us with the puerile manner in which she expresses her bitterness, but she would get my vote simply for the clueless nature of her rants.

It's OK for ann to express her hatred of Andrew Symonds, but to take the side of a pitch invader over a player trying to go about his business gives a pretty clear insight into her mentality.

And, in spite of ann's assertation to the contrary, I do not believe that Ponting, or anyone else involved with the Australian cricket side, has ever stated or implied that the 'Aussies are cultured gentlemen'. Ponting has merely attempted to defend the reputation of his team against the one sided claims made by jealous and parochial members of the media, as any captain should. Try sticking to the facts ann ... we still won't take your comments seriously, but at least then you may have a small degree of credibility.

[Peter McGuinness]

Sorry Ann.

I shall be more attentive, thorough and sober as I digest your posts in future. Do forgive me.

I still think that you would be more combative than Bell though.

As for Greer. Often, I am given to respectfully disagree with you, Ann. However, upon this subject, we are complete and harmonious accord in every detail...

[Ann]

Boycott is pretty critical of others a lot of the time. If he can't take criticism himself, then tough.

[Ann]

Peter, thanks for the vote but the idea that I hate everyone and everything is absurd and proves that you need to pay more attention. Patrick has criticised me more than once for loving the England team too much, and that's just one example. I have expressed my admiration for Harbhajan, haven't I? Let along for Michael Vaughan, in the face of a lot of criticism on this blog.

As to GG: you take her back, please. I can't stand that pompous, arrogant, self-admiring, overrated 4th-division so-called 'intellect'.

[Ann]

Steve, you are a tosser yet again.

Oscar, feel free to skip my posts. But I don't take advice from you as to whom I should or should not 'vent' my mythical 'venom' on. This is a thread about pillock. I regard Symonds as a mega-pillock. The only one who can stop me doing it here is Patrick, not little boys like you.

Pav, your judgement as to who is or isn't an ugly bloke carries no universal weight. For example, I disagree with your assessment. In any event, you have cut through the branch you are sitting on by even mentioning Angelina Jolie and Elle MacPherson.

[Peter Bolt]

Let us hope Harmison realises that he is letting everybody down (including himself).
He will only be a pillock if he thinks hitting a critic of his will do the trick.

[Oscar the Grouch]

Ann, you're becoming really quite boring about Symonds.

Ogilvie considered the hit to be quite a giggle, actually ('it was great - like playing football') and he's big enough - in both the physical and mental sense - to accept with some grace being pillock of the month, he doesn't need your help. Why not take out your venom on a Traffic Warden, you'll feel SO much better.

[Jamie Dowling]

Steve Harmison should be far and away the winner of this month's award. One for bowling like me instead of the strike bowler he's supposed to be. My own arsenal consists of the odd pie, full toss, wide, and half tracker but Harmison looked as impotent as a Nevada State boxing commissioner (thanks to The Simpsons for that line) in the first test. And miserable with it. At least I smile as I get belted out of the ground!

Then to top it off he has a go at Geoffrey Boycott. Harmy, you're supposed to be a fast bowler, not a scything wit. And you're not very good at either one even with a ghost writer behind you.

Getting involved in a flame war achieves nothing other than showing you up to be well, a bit dim really.

But earning £145,000 before you even bowl a ball? No wonder people are asking questions.

Which begs the question, should the Pillock of the month award go to the ECB for contracting him?

[Peter McGuinness]

Personally, I feel (rather than see) Nigel behind some of the pseudonyms of late.

One particular person is particularly suspicious. Time will tell. Most entertaining.

It's Bell this month. Tough as Custard Sandwich. Feisty as a Fire-side Labrador.

Come to think of it, you Poms ought to pick Ann at the top of the order for a bit of good old fashioned starch. Hating everyone and everything may do some good. In fact, the impact would be doubled should she open with Germaine Greer, to whom you are more than welcome.

Why not?

Ambrose is going pretty well.

[Innocent Abroad]

An early nomination for April's pillock: the IPL Bangalore team for calling themselves the "Royal Challengers". India is widely believed to be a Republic.

[Mr Grainger]

Did someone mention Dunnies and Doors? If Harmison tops the poll I'm looking forward to Patrick's next interview with him, especially after the roasting he gave Geoff Boycott after a few critical comments!

[Bookmaker]

Gotta be the streaker. Deserved to be flattened by Symmo as he was running in his direction and could have had aggressive intentions.

Would rather see players taking things into their own hands (to a limited degree) than see another Terry Alderman incident when he sustained that shoulder injury due to some over-enthusiastic idiot.

http://bookierant.com

[Paul]

I'm afraid Harmy gets my vote too.
Not only did he bowl like he didn't want to be there, he admitted as much in Hoggard's Times video diary.
The pair of them joked about injuring each other and 'going home tomorrow'.
I'm sure many of the fans who spent their hard-earned money to follow the team would jump at the opportunity to represent their country overseas, all-expenses paid.
Poor judgement fellas.

[The Pav]

Ann,

If some hairy, ugly, naked bloke came running through your place of work I reckon you'd feel threatened and be glad of a cave man to protect you.

Waving a policy paper on equal opportunity wouldn't protect you

Look what happened to Alderman. Pitch invaders can be a threat. If it keeps happening then we need more security & more fences.Then going to cricket becomes less fun & more like a visit to a concentration camp or even worse , an airport.

If the guy hadn't run so close to Symonds then he wouldn't have got dropped.

Personally I'm glad the streaker got flattened & the only concern is that Symonds might have hurt himself. At least the streaker had the decency not to complian & cop it sweet.

Personally I'm sick of these morons. Why on earth would they consider it the least bit entertainingg to disrupt a game doing something that's been done a million times before.

Why is it always hairy ugly blokes that do it?

If it was Angelina Jolie or Elle MacPherson or similar then perhaps a case could be made but even then I have my doubts

[Steve]

I vote for Ann again.

[baz]

Stephen Harmison gets my vote, not for bowling so crap, but for what he said of Sir Geoffrey Boycott. If Harmy spent as much effort bowling as he did slagging off Sir Geoffrey, he'd be No. 1 bowler in the world! As it is, he'll be lucky to see the inside of another England dressing room.

[Ann]

Sorry, the pillock is still Symonds (what d'ya mean, LIKE a dunny?), not the streaker. After all, we keep being told by refined persons such as one Mr Ponting that the Aussies are cultured gentlemen, not boorish cavemen, so the streaker would have had no reason to expect Mr Dunny to behave like one (a boorish caveman and thug, that is).