Nel threatened with ban

The shy and retiring Andre Nel, a favourite of this blog, has played only four games for Essex so far this season but already he is two thirds of the way to a ban after picking up six penalty points under the ECB code of conduct during last week's match against Derbyshire.

Gentle Andre was reported by the umpires for two separate breaches of the code, one for using language or a gesture that is obscene or insulting and one for throwing the ball at a player or official in an inappropriate manner. Both are believed to have involved Steve Stubbings, who was struck on the legs in anger by Nel, although it is more than possible that Nel was actually aiming at the stumps.

Should he pick up another black mark, Nel will face an immediate suspension, something not to have happened to anyone since the ECB brought in the penalty points system. The dilemma, though, is that he only has five more games this season before giving way to Danish Kaneria. If he hasn't found some way of being reprimanded before his final game, against Middlesex, then his fans will feel rather let down. Mind you, with only 16 runs conceded in five overs, Nel was the main reason Essex beat Sussex yesterday.

Comments

[Mr A Nel]

Thank you Pablo.

I appreciate the candor, and the independent nature of your constructive criticism.

What a welcome change.

It is true that I should probably up my mood stabilisers for the remainder of my tenure. The prospect of being replaced by someone whose name sounds like something I once drunkedly contracted in the Transvaal is unsettling me.

As for Kidd. I'm afraid he's baiting me Pablo. He has a long history of doing so. Yes, I should be above it by now, however the scenario is in the bottom 500 of the top 1500 urgent ailments being attended to by my well-being support team.

As Brian, Sachin, Ricky and Gayley will tell you - a shortish 122 kmh death missile directed at the return crease, followed by a fiercesome stare and an intimidating rant is all I really need. Typing isn't working as well as it used to.

However, I do still credit the origami with calming me no end. Between you and me Pablo, I'm told I was a bit of tool at times before the paper swans glided into my life.

Personally, I can't see how anyone could think that, but what can you do? The world is full of very odd people isn't it Pablo?

Thanks again for the support mate. My fans mean the world to me. Send a stamped, self addressed vial to Kidd, and I'll forward you a toenail clipping engraved with my batting statistics.

All the best.

[Pablo]

Standing in the higher moral ground of not being an Englander nor a Convict (at least for the time being) I will say this: the typing therapy doesn't seem to be working, Andre. Despite the somewhat ironic tone, Patrick's comment was essentially supportive. As he said, you are a favourite of this blog. I think we all agree that you should "get on with the job of terrorizing batsmen" but that would be difficult if you are not playing anymore because you were suspended or banned. In other words, I think a 125-kph ball can pretty much speak for itself.
It is prudent to exhibit some self-restraint these days. Otherwise you might end up slapping someone who bursts into tears. That could be very embarrasing, as the current IPL farce proves.

[Terry]

Fair play to you Andre, but I do wonder how you can get so passionate playing for Essex? And against Derbyshire of all teams.

[Mr A Nel]

Kidd.

I can't help but notice that you revel in publishing less than flattering photos of me. Yes, very bloody funny.

All you Englanders and Convicts who populate this blog probably think it's hilarious. Consider this.

Photos of me frothing at the mouth depict either:

a) Satisfication at having delivered another 76.5 mph thunderbolt;

b) A mis-timed ingestion of my meds during a drinks break or;

c) A combination of the above.

In any case, all photos of myself are enormously more attractive than the disturbing visage appearing below the Friends Provident banner on this site.

The chat I had with Stubbings was quite cordial by comparison to the bitter and often violent arguments which continually rage inside my own cranium. That authorities and hacks like you cannot comprehend my elevated circumstances, is hardly my fault.

Everyone should just leave us get on with the job of terrifying batsmen and stick to doing their own job - which in your case Kidd, should have been left at describing bed-sit auctions in Essex.

Get stuffed.