Target practice for Hoggy

When  I wrote recently about why I hate playing cricket, I forgot to mention the biggest reason. The ball is so blooming hard.

I mean, whose idea was that? It stings when you try to catch it and when it hits you on the body - or smacks in the kisser if you are Daniel Flynn - then it can do nasty damage. At the moment, my right foot is a purple-turning-yellow mess of bruises after I tried to make a return catch with my ankle when playing on Saturday. Yes, I am a wimp.

Which is why there was a large lump in my throat yesterday morning when I rocked up at Headingley to be used as target practice for Matthew Hoggard. We were there to film a video masterclass for Times Online, the first part of which should go online in the next day or so. Hoggy shows how to bowl his full bag of tricks (the outswinger, inswinger, off cutter and so on) and after explaining what he is about to do, he then pelts down four or five balls at this talentless batsman from 22 yards away. And I was protected only with pads, gloves and a box. No helmet, no thigh pad or arm guard, no Kevlar vest.

It was a bit of a mismatch: man with 248 Test wickets bowling against mouse who has a highest score of 30 in his post-school career. Survival was the prime motivation and, reader, I am proud to say that of the 30 or so balls that Hoggard bowled at me, not one hit the stumps.

Two hit me, though. As the first, I think from his inswinger, clobbered into my thigh, protected only by the effects of a greed for cheddar, the Yorkshire and England bowler gleefully shouted: "That were flesh that hit." You can just make out the word Duke on the bruise this morning.

I started thinking back about everything I had ever written about Hoggard. I think I've always been kind. I like Hoggy, the stout yeoman, solid packhorse, masterful swing bowler that he is. He's never been a pillock of the month or the butt of some cheap joke. I want him back in the England team. Maybe he had read what I have written about Steve Harmison or Paul Collingwood and was sticking up for his mate.

The next strike, from what was meant to be a leg cutter but pitched on a yorker length, caught me straight on the right ankle, below where the pad ended - and more or less exactly on my bottled return-catch bruise from Saturday. I imagine the yelp was picked up on the stump microphone.

I soldiered on stoically, even when Hoggy said that his next delivery would be the cross-seam short-pitched ball, which in his words (and said with too much of a smile) "makes the ball fly up at your nose". I took a square leg guard and made a half-hearted attempt to cut at the ball from a distance.

But at least he didn't hit my stumps. There was one clear nick behind (I walked, naturally) and a few that were edged squarer - you wouldn't believe it, but they were all dropped by a virtual Kevin Pietersen in the slip-gully region - but the wicket remained unbreached. I even managed to lay the full face of the bat on half a dozen balls - though I bet the camera was pointing at him for those ones. "Four through extra cover," I boasted after my best strike. "Barely off the square," Hoggy replied.

It was a baptisim by fire, but in a way it reassured me after the failure of Saturday. Sure, a decent club bowler who sends the ball down at 65mph at middle stump might be able to get me out nine times out of ten, but an England cricketer bowling 15mph faster was unable to break the defences. Either that or Hoggy is nowhere near ready for a recall to Test colours.

Comments

[Pete]

As if he was bowling 80mph, he was coming off a couple of steps!

[Pablo]

It is interesting to see what's on a player's mind when he gets ready to bowl. It would also be interesting to know what was his evolution to get there and if there was any turning point that made him a first class player: how he changed the way he runs, grabs the ball, or something else. Could you please ask your next subject about this, if you have a chance?
Besides, from the depths of cricket mediocrity I have to say it was brave to put yourself through this masterclass, Patrick. All your teeth are still in your mouth, so I would consider it a success. At least that would be my main goal if I were in the same situation.
Any plans on continuing the series with Mr. A. Nel?

[Yorkshire Fan]

I think you got off lightly. Earlier this season Hoggy broke Carberry's box. Whilst he was wearing it I mean. He did'nt just sit on it. That wouldn't be half as impressive.

[Suave]

Patrick, I reckon he was taking it easy on you!

You should have gone to Surrey, with the guy from the BBC. Chris Jordan bowled a 90.1mph delivery at him, and Dernbach was hitting 85.

[Brian Carpenter]

Just to say that I've really enjoyed the two 'playing' posts, Patrick. As someone who's average at best (I peaked as a player at 15 and that's a long time ago now) I had a lot of sympathy with what you wrote the other day. And as for taking on Hoggy without a helmet or thigh pad - you're either very brave or very mad. Still, you survived, and I look forward to the rest of the series - Warne, McGrath, or an over or two at Brian Lara perhaps?