Who likes who?

Honestly, the England cricket team is starting to resemble one of those rather bad daytime soap operas. Kevin plotted against Peter but ultimately may have lost his job because Andrew doesn't get on with Kevin and made sure that Hugh, who has long been a buddy of Peter, knew that he didn't like Kevin. Graham blames Shane for Kevin being the way he is, but Kevin and Shane fell out some time ago. Michael and Kevin get on but could Michael just be using Kevin to get what he wants? And why does no one ever mix with Monty?

Meanwhile, Harold has shown up at Lord's with amnesia despite everyone thinking he was dead when he was swept off the cliffs by a big wave a few years ago...

I've been trying to work out what the cliques are in the England dressing-room and have identified - or guessed at - a few groupings but if you can think of any more (or have seen England players dining together) then let me know.

The Flintoff Camp Made up of sensitive fast bowlers who don't like batsmen getting all the credit for their hard work. Flintoff, Harmison and Anderson are in this group. They were also a clique before Christmas for being the three who least wanted to tour India. Harmison is thought to have been annoyed with Pietersen when he was dropped for the second Test in Mohali, but I understand they made up after the tour.

The Pietersen Camp Made up of batsmen who were acolytes of Duncan Fletcher and less enamoured of Peter Moores. Includes Pietersen, Collingwood, Strauss and Vaughan. Less likely to be caught drinking than the Flintoff camp.

The Darts Camp Those who spend hours on the oche on tour: Harmison, Cook and Flintoff. I hear that Cook is godfather to one of Harmison's children. Then again, Harmison has so many children that everyone in the England XI has probably been given a role.

The Notts Camp Sidebottom, Broad and Swann all get on, although interestingly all three came to Notts from other counties and so didn't experience the traumatic Nottinghamshire dressing-room when Pietersen was there.

The Asian Camp Shah and Bopara often go out together. Panesar, though, is more private.

The Pro-Moores Camp Prior and Ambrose were both Sussex wicketkeepers under Moores and got their England chance because of him. You would imagine that Sidebottom would also like Moores, having had his England career resurrected after so long in the Fletcher wilderness. Swann too.

Wright and Broad The young blond bucks are inseparable buddies, or they would be if Wright was in the Test side

Anderson and Cook In his autobiography, Cook says that he didn't get on with Anderson when they first met (Anderson had given him some fairly brutal sledging in a county game) but they became good friends after they were both called up from the England A tour of the West Indies to join the senior party in India in 2006.

The new captain Strauss is generally liked, although some think he is a bit too much of a Peter Perfect rah-rah public-schoolboy.

Who knows? Panesar, poor lad, keeps himself to himself and has few obvious friends, although few obvious enemies too. Ian Bell is an enigma as well. Rumour is that he gets up some team-mates' noses, but he is not obviously associated with a clique.

Graeme Swann: everyone's mate The lead singer for Dr Comfort and the Lurid Revelations and occasional England spinner appears to be liked by all.

Comments

[sugwas]

Firstly.It does precisely what it says on the tin - KP that is. I would have thought that the gentlemen in charge could have used a little imagination to know that their side of the equation has lessened our chances of smacking the Oz chain gang mid year? A big picture disaster this..

[keith]

Kerry O'Keefe quite accurately described Ricky Ponting as having the tactical nouse of Homer Simpson.

Pietersen behaviour has an uncanny resemblance to that of Bart simpson.

Sadly for us neutrals the ECB has robbed us of a contest between the two worst captains in Ashes history. It would have been a compellimg prospect.

[Robert - Shortland - Hunter Valley New South Wales - Australia]

How Macka Packa and the Tomleboos have fallen. Still chasing the Ninky Nonk, in the Pinterian Garden of the Unseen Guest - Who?

FIVE NIL IN 2009 - Again the Birthday Party is in the Garden of the Weeping and Gnashing. Goes to prove 'it is not alright if you are old and grey' - no new tricks here.

[Chris]

The fact that Strauss is now one-day captain as well doesn't really matter. Although we invented it, and most countries apart from England and Australia think it more important than Test cricket, one day cricket as far as we are concerned is just a jolly sideline, an adjunct to the serious stuff of Test cricket. Test cricket is what really matters, and if Strauss is hopeless at 20/20, so what? No one remembers who won any particular one day series anyway; as soon as they are over they are forgotten. But if you win the Ashes you will be remembered for ever.

[nazeem]

c'mon south africa's B team get ur act together for pete's sake!
don't worry soon a new batch of disgruntled SA cricketers will wash up on ur shores and as soon as they can lose their gutteral tongues they can captain england. tony greig was a prat though!!

[R.A.Hardcastle]

I was staying in the Taj Mahal when England were playing India just over 2 years ago (Flintoff was captain.)and the team was on the floor above us.

Both my wife and myself noticed that Pietersen did not mix with the other players at all in the hotel.
In the morning they all sat at one long table in the breakfast room, but no Pietersen.Around the pool in the afternoon no Pietersen but many of the other players were there.
At night in the bar nearly all the Indian team and a number of the England team were drinking together(mostly tonics etc). Again no Pietersen.
The only time we saw him, was in the hotel lobby wearing a vest and trousers with his then girlfriend,all over each other on a sofa. He appeared to ignore the players that walked past him.
Both my wife and myself commented that he appeared to be quite anti social with regard to the rest of the team.
This was also the impression of 2 other residents of the hotel who I was talking to.
Not the ideal person for binding a number of players together which a captain must have.

[saurabh]

Patrick, please please please, I know you have enough power to publish it in your column, so please tell ECB what a horrible goof up they have done. Strauss is Test Captain. Who takes up ODI Team leadership then? England has lost their best captain (KP) who could have propelled this sorry and abject team to glorious days. I am sure that whatever KP was doing it was to win the games at any costs. I saw the hundred that he Hit in Mohali, all the time when he had a rib injury. Great players can motivate the team to perform well, but then England have always been apologetic about their leaders. So Patrick please, tell KP that he has to fight this establishment and get England out of this mess. His stock in India has risen so much, I am sure that when he hits a couple of centuries in WI and then brings back the Ashes, people will start respecting him more.

[Richard J]

Interesting to find out who the one day captain will be. It should be someone from outside, possibly Rob Key, this gives England an opportunity to move away from the cliques, make no mistake this is a hangover from the Vaughan era and 2005 Ashes win.
Unfortunatly this is an Ashes year or England could have taken the opportunity to get the likes of Denly, Carberry, Patel, Rashid, Khan, Pattinson in the test side and build from there.
The likes of Bell and Cook have regressed and think that an England place is theirs regardless because of the cliques that have formed. Big hundreds win matches so look for those in county cricket who can provide that.
Harmison, Anderson need competition so cant wait until Sidebottom is fit again who will add variety.
And just a word about poor Panesar can everybody lay off him, even Shane Warne struggled in India, a more accurate and prodigious spinner of the ball. Not many orthadox off spinners win you matches the stats are there, so Panesar is still number one!
As for Hugh Morris, he needs to be a more visible presence if he is in charge (or grow a backbone, this hasn't been handled well at all)

[Rod Baker]

It does sound a bit like a farce, doesn’t it, but if Hollywood (or maybe Bollywood) got their act together, they could dolly up a really entertaining movie (well, they’re doing on the Bok World Cup success in 1995, aren’t they).

As a the casting director I’ve got Brad Pitt as KP (though KP would probably want to play the role himself. Next stop… James Bond!).
George Clooney as Strauss
Nicholas Lyndhurst (not sure of the name, but you know… younger ‘bruvver’ in Fools and Horses) as Flintoff
Sanjeev Bhaskar as Bopara
Hugh Grant as Harmison

I need to lie down now, so you can think up more, but we will need Catherine Zeta-Jones in as the love interest, with Angelina as the affronted wife.

[Gram Edgar]

nice article, mixing a shard of truth with a bucket of banter. oh dear, i knew someone would whine at the comments regarding monty. do these people ever see straight or do they always look through the prisms that are drummed into them? the whole article was a joke as much about stereotyping as it was about the insularity of modern sportsmen you joyless fools.

[George]

I stayed at the Taj Mahal just a few weeks before it was attacked, the England team were there at the same time. They all looked a little disaffected, wandering around in small groups, looking a bit out of sorts, with perhaps a lack of direction? Appreciate that whilst at the hotel they are taking a break from training, but they looked the polar opposite of a team designed to win, not very slick, and not built as a unit to win games. Great they had credit for going back to India to play the tests, and that was the right thing to do in the circumstances, and credit to them for doing that but thats where it stops. Need a bit of discipline, and a strong motivated leader on the pitch.

[Rod Stark]

It's all very mystifying to me that the players would have turned on KP. As captain, he went out of his way to encourage them, assigning clearly defined roles and lavishing praise on their successes. It was he who got Flintoff back to being an all-rounder who could bat at no. 6, who got Harmison recalled, who turned Shah into a success as an established no. 3 in the ODI side, etc. I am sure that when he sounded off about Moores, he really believed that the had the backing of his players. The fact that they let him down suggests to me that they are a bunch of two-faced weasels.

(Oh, by the way, I like KP and thought he had the makings of just the type of captain England need to compete with the Pontings, Smiths, and Dhonis.)

[Philip]

I agree with Ian Simpkins regarding Sikhs. They are far from being very private and insular.

Monty Panesar is undoubtedly his own man though, and smart enough to keep away from the England dressing room's cliques, rivalries and pettiness.

Good for him!

[Peter McGuinness]

Harold Bishop is currently undergoing treatment for prostate cancer, having survived the cliff incident and a recent 'round Australia road trip during which he was all but rooted to death by a nymphomaniacal widow from Bega.

Not that I watch such drivel.

[Peter Casie Chetty]

The Asians must wish they were never invited to be there. They have been untapped resourses. Why would Vaughn get a call up when he has not hit the ball past the square won the Ashes because the Aussie were hit by the worst luck and also because Warne was generous enough to bowl all his secrets to Pietersen at Hampshire. Monty could win the Ashes as skipper if Flintoff bowls the way he did. Or maybe even Monty's sister could. Strauss win the Ashes? Come on. Is that some crammy Boer joke

[Richard]

Am I the only one worried that, instead of backing their captain, a genuine winner wanting to instill the same into his team, the ECB have sacked hime because he has upset some of the timid, fairy boy, losers that make up our team?

[onlyonet]

I was under the impression that KP and Monty were quite close. In that KP was helping Monty with his batting... not much of a captain and not much of a coach!

[dave]

According to the Mirror, 'WITH KP' are Stuart Broad, Ian Bell, Luke Wright, Paul Collingwood and Monty Panesar, 'NOT HIS FANS' are Andrew Flintoff, James Anderson, Graeme Swann and Steve Harmison, while 'ON THE FENCE' are Andrew Strauss, Alastair Cook and Matt Prior.

[Johnmc]

This was just a blatant attempt to get a picture of Kylie on the blog. Well done

[Ian Simpkins]

I am proud to know many Sikhs and the terms private and insular are generally wholly inaccurate. Many Sikhs and their families are originally from the Punjab. Generally Punjabis are the friendliest and most gragarious Indian group I know of and I have had many hangovers after a night in their excellent and extremely generous company. Perhaps we could stop the streotyping and just accept that Monty is a little bit different;a quiet man.

[George Miller]

The most laughable thing about your article is the revelation (well, revelation to me as I didn't know) that Alistair Cook (aged 18¾?) has already penned an autobiography!

As for Monty, he's his own man because he's a Sikh - they're very private, insular people. People often mistake this for shyness when in reality they possess extraordinary mental strength & courage.