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Ashes 2009 fixtures

Right, form an orderly queue. The fixture list for next summer has just been announced and England's attempt to wrest back that little urn from Australia will begin in Wales for the first time.

The first npower Test starts in Cardiff on July 8, which is a Wednesday rather than the usual Thursday (cue much harrumphing in the Shires). The second Test follows hard on its heels (back-to-back Ashes Tests? harrumph, harrumph, harrumph) at Lord's (at least nothing has changed there) on July 16 and then the third is at Edgbaston from July 30. The fourth Ashes Test starts on August 7 at Headingley (a Friday start and another back-to-back, harrumph again) before it all ends at the Oval with a Thursday start on August 20. Enjoy, but remember that I was in the queue first.

How do we get tickets, I hear you all yell. Here's how: Tickets for the Cardiff Test go on sale in October, with priority for Glamorgan members first; the same applies for Headingley. The Lord's ballot will be held on January 12 but you have to apply to be in it by clicking here in November. Edgbaston will be selling tickets from August 1 this year, with a priority period for Warwickshire members. Those who have bought international tickets at Edgbaston before can then buy tickets from September 1 with the rest being available later. Those who have bought tickets for the Oval before will be contacted in due course - or you can check this website from August - with Surrey members getting priority.

How much will tickets cost? God knows, but I suspect it will be very pricey as the marketing men eye up early retirement on the back of this. Budget at least £70 a day for the London Tests and £50 or so for the others. Or you can try visiting the npower website and win a hospitality box for 11 people, which includes travel in a limousine (how tacky) as well as a free bar.

And if all that fails, the ECB are again hosting five Cricket in the Park events, with a giant screen erected in a nearby green area for you to follow the game on, with the added bonus of being able to drink what you want, sing what you want and chuck around a beachball without a steward pouncing on you.

For those with short attention spans, who don't really like cricket that much but want the chance to see a pop star, there's the World Twenty20 shortly beforehand.

The road to the Ashes starts here

Four years ago next week, England began the first Test of their tour of the West Indies by beating the hosts by ten wickets in Jamaica. It was, you may recall, Stephen Harmison's finest hour with seven wickets for 12 runs in the second innings as West Indies were blown apart for 47. Watch and enjoy (in a slightly fuzzy picture):

As well as showing the world that we had a genuinely quick, genuinely scary fast bowler, it also marked the beginning of an astonishing series of results that culminated in the winning of the 2005 Ashes. Anyone who thinks it was simply good fortune (even if there was some of that in 2005) that we beat Australia is forgetting that England were justifiably the second best team in the world going into that series. Having beaten West Indies 3-0 (with a draw in Antigua), they beat the same side at home 4-0 and beat New Zealand 3-0 before going to South Africa for a five-Test series that they won 2-1. Two easy wins against Bangladesh in early summer 2005 set up the Ashes nicely.

Chronologically speaking, England are now at the same stage for the 2009 Ashes and they must start to produce similarly impressive results. There are a maximum of 19 Tests, including the present one, before the first one against Australia. Some look straightforward (six are against New Zealand, two potentially against Zimbabwe) and others (a tour to India, South Africa this summer) are harder. But it is time for the next Ashes combatants to start emerging.

Four years ago, the England squad in the Caribbean featured ten of the eventual 12 who would play in the Ashes, the missing elements being Ian Bell and Kevin Pietersen. Yet the two best batsmen against West Indies did not last the course: Graham Thorpe, who averaged 91 and was dropped for Pietersen in 2005, and Mark Butcher, who averaged 59. There is still time to rise or fall in the selectors' estimation. Andrew Strauss toured but did not play in the Tests. He would make his mark the next summer, forcing Nasser Hussain into retirement. Geraint Jones displaced Chris Read in the West Indies and showed that he was a much better batsman; Andrew Flintoff had a brilliant all-round series; Simon Jones and Matthew Hoggard both bowled well; Ashley Giles played poorly that winter but had a really good summer in 2004 to make his case.

So who is looking good for the next Ashes? Well, by my reckoning these are the contenders:

Certainties: Alastair Cook, Kevin Pietersen

Probables: Michael Vaughan, Ian Bell, Monty Panesar

Possibles: Ryan Sidebottom, Tim Ambrose, Stuart Broad, Owais Shah

Must do something special to justify place: Harmison, Hoggard, Paul Collingwood, Strauss, James Anderson, Flintoff, Phil Mustard, Matt Prior

Notice that four of the last group are playing in Hamilton. At some point England need to decide if they are going to be in the frame for 2009. If not, perhaps it is time to start blooding some new names. Players such as Graham Onions, Adil Rashid and Ed Joyce all performed well on the England Lions tour and may be worth a look. What do you think?

England women close out victory

Isa Guha was the star as England retained the Ashes in Bowral, beating Australia in the only Test (and I say again: how ridiculous that they should play only once) by six wickets. Guha, the first Asian woman to play for England, took four for 60 in Australia's second innings, bringing her match tally to nine for 100. She may have become the fourth English woman to take a Test ten-for if Karen Rolton hadn't then declared Australia's innings on 231 for nine, setting England 142 to win.

Both sides have batted so slowly this match (an overall rate of 2.08 runs per over) that 142 in just over two sessions almost seemed daunting, but the deficit was down to 45 by tea thanks to Claire Taylor's second half-century of the match and it was appropriate that she was joined by Charlotte Edwards, the captain, with whom she had made 159 runs on the second day, for the final rites.

England's achievement is significant, considering that they had lost their head coach, Mark Dobson, their experienced wicketkeeper, Jane Smit, and their star all-rounder, Jenny Gunn, to various reasons as the tour had progressed. They won't get the MBEs and the open-top bus ride - they will barely get any column inches in tomorrow's papers - but they deserve applause from all England supporters. At the very least they are a shoo-in for nomination for Line and Length's Hero of the Month competition.

Hurrah for England's women

It's early days, but England's women have got off to an excellent start on the first day of their Ashes series at the Bowral Oval. Actually, I call it a series but ludicrously they are playing only one Test match on this tour. When Australia's women came here, they played two but surely, given how rarely they play, three would not be impossible to stage.

Anyway, England need to win this solitary Test to retain the Ashes and they have started well by dismissing Australia for 154 in their first innings. Isa Guha, the fast bowler, bowled Alex Blackwell with her second ball and went on to take five for 40, her first Test five-for, with only Karen Rolton, the Australia captain, and Kate Blackwell showing much resistance in making 34 and 45 respectively.

In reply England were 22 for nought at stumps, although wicket-preservation was clearly the priority as they took 16 overs to do so.

Of course, if this were a male England team playing in Australia, they'd probably get bowled out for 120 tomorrow and see Australia make 500 in their second innings, but I suspect our ladies are made of sterner stuff.

Don't mention the 5-0 drubbing

I think that I made some resolution a few weeks ago about being kinder to the people who ruin run cricket. Well, it's gone the same way as the "eat less, don't drink" resolutions after receiving a press release just now about how the ECB and npower are planning to market the 2009 Ashes.

For starters, this is the logo. Hmm. Well, at least it is better than the 2012 Olympics brand. But worse than that is the news that there will be an "amusing viral video gently teasing the Australians" about the narrow, tense and thrilling 2-1 victory three years ago. The video will parody the famous Norwegian football commentator's taunt of England in 1981. (You know the one: "Lord Nelson, Margaret Thatcher, Winston Churchill etc etc you boys took a hell of a beating.) The new version will feature famous Australians, including Kylie Minogue, Rolf Harris, Nicole Kidman and Germaine Greer. Being told that their nation took one hell of a beating in 2005.

Now, I like that bit of commentary and I have parodied it myself on this blog (after Australia lost a Twenty20 match to Zimbabwe) but aren't they missing a few rather important points here? Firstly, the wonderful 2005 series was many things but it was certainly not a hell of a beating. It was an edgy, nervy, dramatic tussle and in the end England just stayed ahead of the Aussies. A great piece of sport, but not a beating. To call it such would be as ludicrous as giving out MBEs and open-top bus rides.

Kevin Peake, head of customer marketing at npower (and don't we just love marketing people this week), said: The Aussies have always loved a bit of banter before a big series and they don't come much bigger than this - we just hope they take the video in good spirit." I'm sure it will crush the poor mites, Kev. That's if they don't remind us that when they last played an Ashes series with us, it ended up 5-0 in their favour. Now that was a hell of a beating.

Last orders to win Ashes book

A reminder of our competition to win a copy of Nigel Henderson's new book, If It Was Raining Palaces, I'd Get Hit By The Dunny Door, which details his gloom as an England supporter during last winter's Ashes tour. I asked for new acronyms for England players, following on from Kevin Pietersen being dubbed Figjam ("F*** I'm Good, Just Ask Me).

Best entries so far are "Spanish" for Flintoff (Sinks P*** All Night In Southern Hemisphere) from one Panayoti Maginopolis and "Egbert" for Pietersen (Egomaniac Girlishly Becomes Emigrating Reviled Traitor) from this blog's old friend Andre Nel. But I'm sure the rest of you can do much better. You have until the end of the day. It's free, and could make a lovely Christmas present...

Fletcher uncorks a scandal

We had all heard the rumours about Andrew Flintoff's alleged drink problems - and the pedalo wobble was there for all to see during the World Cup - but the revelation in Duncan Fletcher's autobiography that Flintoff used to show up for practice during the Ashes tour in Australia still under the influence of booze has caused an understandably large hoo-hah.

Many will condemn Flintoff for his lack of professionalism and self-control. Regardless of being the captain, an England player should not appear drunk on duty. Yet why must this blame fall only on Flintoff? Fletcher writes in his book that Flintoff went to bed at 7am, three hours before an England practice, because he had been out all night with Ian Botham. Flintoff has spent his whole career being likened to Botham, generally favourably, and yet this was one comparison he could have done without. Botham, the former wild boy but now Mr Establishment who is very keen to use his knighthood title, should have had more care for his pupil's reputation.

My colleague Richard Hobson places the blame on Fletcher's shoulders, saying that as England coach he should have shown more loyalty to his team. Richard accuses Fletcher of stirring up these stories to make money. Yet why shouldn't he? Fletcher spent most of his career as England coach being desperately dull. The last thing we wanted was an autobiography that contained lots of "Belly and Straussy put their hands up and came to the party" quotes. At last, a cricket memoir with some interesting stories.

But Richard is right to suggest that there are two valid criticisms that should be made of Fletcher and his time in charge. Flintoff was not the only one to have problems in the past few years: there was also Marcus Trescothick's descent from rock to flake and Stephen Harmison's all-too-visible disintegration on tour. Something happened that mentally traumatised three of England's finest ever players. Some may blame the heavy burden of cricket that modern players must face, others may wonder at the support structure in place to help players deal with problems. Have these been rectified since Fletcher left?

And the other thing is whether Flintoff should ever have been captain in the first place. His record as captain before the Ashes tour was pretty poor anyway, and Fletcher says: "The areas which concerned me were his tactical nous and man management under pressure. And there was always going to be a worry about his self-discipline." If you have fears about a man's tactics, ability under pressure and lack of discipline, why on earth make him captain?

The sad thing is that not making Andrew Strauss captain for the Ashes, as by far the best qualified candidate in Michael Vaughan's absence, may have had an impact on the Middlesex opener. The loss of confidence from not being trusted may have affected Strauss's form and started the spiral that has ended in him being dropped for the Sri Lanka tour. Perhaps Strauss is a bigger casualty of Fletcher's failings than Flintoff.

Spot the difference

As I have mentioned before, my colleague Nigel Henderson is writing a book about his experiences of moaning about following the England team around Australia last winter. Here is the cover:

"Imagine my surprise, then, when I walked into Waterstones today and saw the cover for Richard Beard's book about sport in Australia," Nigel says. "For a second I thought my publishers had brought my book out early, even though I still have another 20,000 words to write."

I'm sure that it won't harm sales, Nigel. It's a rather odd irony, though, that as well as sharing the same cover image, Beard, like Henderson, was a former Times writer. He used to have a Saturday column on rugby.

You're welcome

Australia didn't just gain a boost in the Gross National Ego and a chance almost to stroke an ancient miniature urn when they won the Ashes last winter. The influx of 37,000 members of the Barmy Army also boosted the economy by $317 million (about £135 million) and created almost 800 new jobs. The report doesn't state what proportion of the $317 million came from Nigel Henderson, Line and Length's travelling fan, who must have spent at least a tenth of that on whiskey and valium to get him through the misery.

Step 13, don't drop Ponting

The Schofield report into why England were a bit embarrassing during the winter was released earlier today. It consists of 19 "step changes" (Good grief, line one and we're already into managementconsultancyspeak), which largely involve giving every player an "individually tailored" fitness programme, playing fewer matches (no 40-over stuff) and giving David Graveney less power (or possibly more power, it's not clear).

If only Ken had asked Line and Length's view, I could have given him a much more simple action plan. So here we go:

1. Don't start a Test series against the best side in the world with less preparation time than the cast of an average village pantomime
2. If that means sending a second team to a second-rate one-day tournament in India beforehand, so be it
3. Don't take people on tour who haven't played for the past year, especially if they are still carrying injuries
4. Don't make your leading bowler and most explosive batsman the captain as well. Especially when another man has done a perfectly good job of captaining England to a 3-0 win over Pakistan
5. Don't mess around with your best fast bowler's action, even if he is bowling straight to second slip. Let him work it out himself
6. Pick your best spinner, the one who has been taking all the wickets (hint: he has a beard)
7. Pick your best wicketkeeper, the one who averaged 40 against Pakistan the last time he played Tests a couple of months earlier
8. Keep wives and families involvement in the tour to a minimum. Try to restrict yourself to only one rock concert a week. It started to look as if you were on holiday rather than touring
9. Take the chairman of selectors with you. And stop calling him the "convenor". It sounds as if you don't trust him
10. Don't bat Pietersen at 5. Or Mahmood at 8
11. Use your best spinner properly, as an attacking weapon rather than someone to call on for a few overs before lunch with the field spread
12. Don't allow your bowling coach, the man who had a large part in winning you the previous Ashes, to defect to the oppo
13. Don't drop Ricky Ponting on 35 when Australia are 78 for three. Talk about a missed chance
14. Don't sweep Warne, Kevin
15. Don't sledge Warne, Colly
16. If given a chance to win a Test (viz Adelaide) bat with purpose not timidity
17. Leave a stray cricket ball on the edge of Australia's training area, just on the off chance that Glenn McGrath might trip on it and sprain something
18. Don't win the preceeding series. You know what the Australians are like when they're angry
19. Never forget that you had been a very good side for the previous two or three years, the best apart from Australia, and that the main members of that almost brilliant side are still playing and still at the peak of their game. There is no reason why the likes of Pietersen, Strauss and Hoggard cannot win back the Ashes, except for self-belief

Thieving mongrels

Australia won the Ashes, England won the rather less glamorous Commonwealth Bank Series but it seems as if Australians made off with the final prize when a gang of what Alf Stewart on Home & Away would have called "thieving mongrels" robbed the England physio at knifepoint. Poor show, lads.

I was impressed with the laidback attitude of the New South Wales police when I called them about the story. None of this "ello, ello, ello" stiff-backed formality of the British plod, the Aussie copper genuinely answered the phone with "G'day" and then slipped into the familiar "ah look mate, fair dinkum, Waltzing Mathilda and throw a chook on the barbie". Or something like that.

The Man in Grey

Poor old Nigel Henderson, The Times's travelling fan in Australia over the winter, was roundly abused by Australian fans during the second one-day series. All he did was stand up for the England bowlers when some Aussie supporters began to shout "Plunkett's a wanker" (that's the same Plunkett who dismissed Gilchrist, Clarke and Ponting yesterday), so the Aussies turned their anger on him instead, noticing that Nigel was wearing a grey shirt and beginning to chant "grey shirt, grey hair, grey man, grey country" at him. Low blow, guys, low blow. Nigel, there's a bottle of Grecian 2000 waiting for you when you return to Wapping.

Australia didn't give us a game

Nigel Henderson, our travelling fan, is surprisingly disappointed that Australia didn't put up much of a fight today in his latest postcard from Down Under

Gratified as I am to see England win the Commonwealth Bank one-day series, I have to say that it has left me - and no doubt plenty of other England supporters -  worried about what this means for our prospects at the forthcoming World Cup in the Caribbean. The past nine days, during which England have outplayed Australia on three successive occasions, have left me concerned that we will not have been properly tested by world-class opposition before we land in St Lucia.

Nathan Bracken, Glenn McGrath, Shane Watson, Brett Lee and Brad Hogg, a potentially lethal strikeforce, have, frankly, been desperately disappointing, allowing our batsmen to pick up singles and boundaries at will. Ricky Ponting, Matthew Hayden and Adam Gilchrist at the top of the order have, similarly, been powerless to stop an England attack, which mostly couldn't even get a game at the start of the tour (a couple of them weren't even in the party), running through them.

Still, at least we have a warm-up prior to the competition proper against a team that might provide sterner opposition: come on now, bring on the might that is Bermuda!

Trophy hunting

Oh beautiful. Paul Nixon has just clambered into the Barmy Army section of the crowd to share hugs and handshakes with the England fans in front of the cameras. What he hasn't noticed is that as one fan hugged him, another was removing the sunglasses from on top of Nixon's cap, a valuable trophy to take home from Australia. Expect to see them on eBay soon. Couldn't have happened to a nicer bloke.

Leaving with a smile

No 3am start for me this morning (watching all of the first Commonwealth Bank Series final and then doing a day in the office afterwards on Friday almost killed me) but I did get up to see the last ten overs of England's innings this morning and then watched, gobsmacked, as between rain showers Australia crumpled. As the rains pour down again, play has closed and England have won the series and their fourth match in a row. They will fly home on Tuesday with a smile on their face.

It's a bit of a flat ending; it would have been nice to have had a full 50 overs at Australia and to have finished the match off by taking ten wickets but England will accept any win. Obviously Australia did not have the best of conditions after losing the toss, but they won the toss in the first final and still lost the match. Also, the highest second-innings score to win a one-day international at Sydney is 260, so England, with 246-8, were not far short of a match-winning total.

There is a concern that the toss has too much impact on day-night matches, so the fact that all the World Cup matches next month will be daytime affairs is to be welcomed.

Context

This morning's thriller means that England have won three one-day internationals in a row, only the second time that has happened against proper opposition (ie, not Zimbabwe, Bangladesh or worse) since Adam Hollioake captained England to the Champions Trophy win in Sharjah in 1998. The other time was in 2003 when they beat Pakistan twice and South Africa once (although they lost to Zimbabwe in the middle of that run).

Last time they won three matches against anyone was in 2005, twice vs Bangladesh and once vs Australia, 39 matches ago.

Back on the sofa

11.25am: Australia were 170-1 and ended on 252 all out. England were 15-3 and won the match with four wickets in hand and three balls to spare.  Who are the chokers now?

What a fantastic match - I'd say that even if England had fallen just short - this is what the whole winter should have been like. Well done England, well done Paul Collingwood, and well done Australia for putting a smile back on my face.

The final stretch

Last rites will be read over England's pitiful tour of Australia during the next few days. In the old days, when it took more time to get anywhere, a tour of New Zealand was usually tagged on to the end of an Ashes tour as a consolation prize should the main winter's activity have gone badly. But England have already played and beaten - well, drawn with - New Zealand and now they have to go through two more thrashings at the hands of the school bully before they can return to snow-clad Blighty.

Or will this tour end in triumph? Can England, on the back of two wins in a row (something they've only done once in their previous 36 matches) extend the winning streak and head home with something to sing about? Possibly, but much depends on them winning tosses, getting out of the blocks quickly and bowling with control throughout 50 overs. Oh, and fielding professionally, too. Pretty much what they did in their past two matches, in other words.

The eyes have it

Tim Nielsen was appointed the new Australia coach yesterday. This is the man:

The burning question is: does he have the scariest eyes in cricket since Damien Martyn retired?

From zeros to heroes

11.25am: Not even Sajid Mahmood could be given the final ball needing to keep the tail-end batsmen to under 19 runs and make a mess of it. England are in the final with a 14-run win. Start revving up the open-top bus, burnish the knighthoods, get ready the Downing Street reception, things look a lot more rosy now.

11.05am: Fleming cuts Flintoff for four but boundaries have been too infrequent in the last dozen overs for New Zealand. They now need 41 off 21 balls to tie and thus make the final. Surely England cannot blow it from here?

10.45am: Oram edges behind off Plunkett and, with almost nine runs an over needed now, England are suddenly looking favourites.

Nigel waves hello

The Times Online website may have been redesigned but Line and Length is still here and Nigel Henderson, my colleague who has spent the past 78 days in Australia and has only seen England win a couple of times, is still sane. Here is his latest postcard...

The Australian cricket authorities have been copping a fair bit of flak in the press, not before time, for the ridiculous rules they seem intent on imposing on people parting with their hard-earned cash to watch some international one-dayers. Most ire has focused on the banning of the Mexican Wave, a ban that was largely ignored at the SCG during England's win over Australia on Friday and Australia's run chase against New Zealand in Melbourne on Sunday. Cricket Australia and the state police forces had promised to combine in evicting anyone starting the much-maligned mass movement and while the cops, five at a time on occasions, plucked some hapless individuals seemingly at random from the main body of the crowd, they had neither the numbers nor the will to pull out all the instigators. Indeed, one Australian in front of me in Bay 17, whose capacity to get blindingly drunk on light beer amazed the more sober in the vicinity, got away with his shennanigans despite regularly standing on his seat, facing away from the action on the pitch and conducting the countdown to the wave. If that behaviour failed to attract the attention of the constabulary minding the CCTV cameras trained on the crowd with the sole purpose of identifying the ringleaders, you'd have thought his crop of red hair might have.

A long way to go for a win

I've just done some number-crunching for tomorrow's Times on how long it has been since England last beat Australia and I thought I'd give you a sneak preview:

England were on tour for 89 days before winning their first game against Australia this morning. It has been 524 days since they last beat Australia (in the fourth Test at Trent Bridge) and 576 days since they last won a one-day international against the Aussies. In that period, England have tried 38 different players in their Test and one-day sides (17 of them have only played one-day cricket), which maybe explains the lack of any consistency. Only two members of the last side to beat Australia in a one-day international remain (Strauss and Flintoff).

I have also totted up the number of miles that England have travelled in order to play Australia and lose before today. Nottingham-London-Jaipur-London-Perth-Canberra-Sydney-Adelaide-Brisbane-Adelaide-Perth-Melbourne-Sydney-Melbourne-Hobart-Brisbane-Adelaide-Perth-Sydney makes a grand total of 32,056 miles. No wonder they look tired.

England show balls

Update (2): At last, only 71 days after England started playing Australia on this tour, they have won a game. A much better display, far more positive play helped no doubt by the fact that the first three batsmen set the tone. England's second wicket didn't fall until 35 overs, which makes it much easier to gather momentum. Perhaps Flintoff should move up a place on England's league of bad one-day captains (see earlier post)?

Update: Looking more positive for England. Flintoff, who had bowled quite poorly early in the innings, conceding eight an over off his five overs, brings himself back on and immediately gets Cameron White to edge behind. News also comes through that Symonds's arm injury is so bad that he will not bat again. So Australia are effectively 160-7 and England can think not only of a win but also a bonus point.

Someone cynical might wonder whether Australia just want to play England in the final and are trying to set up a result that would deny New Zealand, but there is something different about the look of England today. Their fielding is smart, their heads are up, they are bowling accurately and batting aggressively. By Jove, Livingstone, I think we've discovered some balls.

Quote of the day

"Paul Nixon is the best wicketkeeper in the world at the moment."

-- Rashid Latif, former Pakistan captain and wicketkeeper

I didn't realise that sarcasm was a Pakistani trait. Is he serious?

OK, fair enough, Chris Read hasn't been allowed by Darth Fletcher to show off his silky skills much this winter. And there is little wrong with Nixon as a keeper - none of the howlers that Geraint Jones used to offer - but is he really a better keeper than Adam Gilchrist, Kamran Akmal, Mark Boucher, Mahendra Dhoni? He's certainly not a patch on any of them as a batsman but I can't recall any moments of brilliance by Nixon with the gloves this winter. I suppose bowlers have to find the edge for a wicketkeeper to show off his catching skills.

England strengthen position as world No 2

Actually, that's a disingenuous headline. The gap between England, in second place in the world Test rankings, and the chasing pack has widened to six points but that is down to Pakistan losing their series in South Africa last weekend. With no Tests until May because of the World Cup, England will remain as officially the second best side on the planet for at least five more months, but having whitewashed West Indies last time they were here, England must not slip up this summer.

In the LG ICC individual rankings, Mohammad Asif has taken only nine Tests to reach 49 wickets and stampede into the top ten for the first time, a rare bright spot for Pakistan after losing a low-scoring series 2-1. Asif moves to No 8 in a bowling list headed by Muttiah Muralitharan. In the batting table, Younis Khan drops four places despite scoring the most runs for Pakistan in the series (226 at an average of 45). Graeme Smith, despite scoring only 167 runs in six innings, moves up five places to No 17. That's statistics for you.

Show some heart!

Nigel Henderson, our long-suffering fan Down Under, is getting fed up with England's attitude - but he has been watching every wayward ball, every mis-stroke and every fluffed piece of fielding for more than two months now. Here's his latest postcard:

I had an unusual reaction when I read Andrew Flintoff's response to England's latest debacle - the Australia Day surrender at Adelaide. "In the dressing-room, the lads are bitterly disappointed," he said, trying to defend the indefensible. But, for once, I didn't really believe him. I had this vision of the team sitting around beneath their pegs, amid discarded pads, bats and abdominal protectors, heads bowed in shame, staring balefully at the floor, no one daring to utter a word. Until one of them, just one of them, mind, flicks his vision upwards, scans the faces of his team-mates and manages to catch the eye of another - and that is when the tension of all the preceding months tumbles out. For the other allows a tiny smirk to emerge at the corner of his lips, which his watching team-mate cannot ignore. In an instant, the smile has transferred across the room and, before long, the joke is transmitted to the rest, the whole group becoming consumed with laughter of the type that spreads contagiously among naughty schoolboys after they have received a minor ticking-off from their headmaster.

When England were good

After the shocking spectacle of a close one-day international this morning (unsurprisingly not featuring England), Sky showed highlights of the 2005 NatWest Series final between England and Australia at Lord's. What a match that was: both sides recovering from early collapses (Australia 93-5, England 33-5) to set up a thrilling conclusion and that rare bird, a tied match. It was a privilege to be at Lord's that day to see Mike Hussey make an unbeaten 62 (why, oh why, was he not in the Test side in 2005?) and Steve Harmison bowl with aggression and accuracy. Most shockingly, the man of the match was Geraint Jones, who made 71 and almost took England to victory. Whatever happened to him?

Over already?

See, the great thing about these day-night matches Down Under is that they give us shivering Poms a chance to watch some cricket. Because frankly I'm not going to repeat my 2am vigils of the Test series for a game of one-day cricket. So, knowing that the latest match on England's tour of hell was due to start late, I planned to get up in time to watch the second set of 50 overs.

Little did I realise that the match would be wrapped up in 59 overs as England collapsed to possibly their most humbling defeat of a pretty humble tour. Liam Plunkett finally got a game and with a duck and nought for 39 showed that he had been observing his team-mates closely during his long spell on the sidelines. At least he has a court appearance for drink-driving when he gets back to England to look forward to.

Today was Australia Day, apparently, but isn't every day Australia Day?

Sigh, here we go again...

Sorry for the lack of posts recently. Time has been taken up editing The Times's Six Nations rugby handbook (out February 3, reserve your copy etc etc). I did get a chance to watch England bat, if you can call it that, this morning in the ODI against New Zealand. How depressing, just when we think this tour can't get worse, it slumps again.

"That wasn't a 120 all out pitch," said Andrew Flintoff with his usual post-match profundity. Is there ever such a thing in top-level cricket? The point is that yet again England suffered from a lack of accumulators in the side. They really could do with Michael Vaughan there just to give a steady hand on the tiller. Losing three wickets in the first 11 overs is not acceptable, not when you are only chasing 211.

England lose

Discussions about England's match against Australia this morning are irrelevant. All that matters this tour is doing less badly than New Zealand. England were sensibly just conserving themselves for their next battle with Stephen Fleming's side. When you think about it, it is rather sporting that Australia actually made a game of it.

Nice to see Mal Loye do ok-ish on his debut. I'd have preferred to have seen Bopara in the side than Dalrymple, who did well with the bat but wasn't given a bowl. Bopara is a very good death bowler, capable of taking two or three cheap wickets when batsmen are looking for runs. I suppose in the circumstances of this match, though, death came a bit too quickly.

Flintoff returns

Despite The Times (and indeed most other newspapers) predicting that Andrew Strauss would be given the England captaincy in the absence of Michael Vaughan, Andrew Flintoff has just been announced as Vaughan's replacement. A shame, I feel, after showing how well he can perform when freed from the burden in the last match.

I know I'm over-keen on statistics sometimes, but just consider the following: Flintoff as captain won two and lost seven Tests out of 11 and won one ODI out of seven. Strauss as captain won three and drew one of his four Tests and won four of his 12 ODIs (still fairly poor). And even ignoring that, just look at the manner in which England play under Strauss compared with under Flintoff. Strauss can lift men, Flintoff should concentrate only on lifting himself.

England win!

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen. England edge a streaky victory over New Zealand by three wickets and with one ball remaining. Hallelujah, knighthoods all round, someone start warming up the open-top bus etc etc. Or maybe we should just be thankful that we've broken the duck and get on with turning this pitiful tour into something a bit more memorable.

The hero was Andrew Flintoff, who made 72 and even had the luck to be caught off a no-ball. See, I knew that all we had to do was get rid of that trouble-maker Pietersen and everything would be ok.

The zero men

Twelve matches down, seven to go before we can pass judgment on whether this has been the least successful England tour in history or just a very disappointing one. England have had Ashes disasters in the past but they have never gone through an entire tour without at least one win.

With England looking even less likely of winning a one-day international than they were of taking a Test victory, it seems doubtful that they can open their account in the three remaining one-day matches with Australia or the four with New Zealand, the first of which is tomorrow.

How to win

I've got it. Australia won the Ashes because they made two changes to the 2005 side, bringing in Stuart Clark for Jason Gillespie and Mike Hussey for Simon Katich. What do they have in common? They were both past 30 when they made their Test debut. Therefore, England have only to pick someone a year before the next series who was born in 1978 or thereabouts, give them a few Tests to get their eye in, and then watch them wreak havoc on Australia in 2009. Easy.

Who, though? Those of the right age who may yet have good Test careers, like Owais Shah and Rob Key, have already been picked for Tests. We want someone who has never been in the frame but who clearly has talent. How about Paul Franks, the fast bowler from Notts (born 1979), who played one ODI in 2000 but was injured for most of the next six years? Or David "Jumble" Sales, pictured, the Northants captain (1977) who surely has to live up to his teenage talent at some point? Or Luke Sutton (1976), the Lancashire wicketkeeper? Remember, you read this witless optimism here first.

The joy of six

Not happy with winning the Ashes 5-0, it now appears that Australia want to win the next home series 6-0. When the Ashes next head Down Under in 2010-11 there may be a sixth Test in Hobart to go with the five traditional venues. Is this a good thing? Only if it is a tight series, I suppose. Cricket Australia will have no difficulty in selling tickets for a sixth Test, but although the fourth and fifth Tests were still eagerly anticipated this winter, there was a nasty air of anti-climax hanging over them.

England will have power of veto over the idea, however, and given Duncan Fletcher's open dislike of cricketers actually playing cricket (I know he gets all the rap, but he's paid to take it) it seems doubtful that England will want a longer tour. They'll have to ask their wives first, although these days that appears not to matter as women and children follow their men every step of the way, as Rod Gilmour reports on his blog.

Pietersen's out

New format of cricket, new captain, new bowlers, new wicketkeeper, and what looks disturbingly like the same result in the first match of the one-day series. As I type Australia need about three runs an over with two wickets down to win, and no I didn't get up at 3am to watch the start.

Two things to comment on: first, congratulations to whoever designed the new Australia one-day kit, a deep myrtle green with flashes of yellow, reminiscent of the Springboks' rugby shirt and much nicer than either the canary outfit they have been wearing or the grey number they put on for the Twenty20.

The other news is that Kevin Pietersen, while making 82, was hit by Glenn McGrath and suffered a fractured rib. He will be out for the rest of the series but should be fit for the World Cup. "Not what England will have wanted," says Ian Botham, speaking the bleeding obvious on Sky. In a way it is no bad thing, however; it will force some of the other batsmen to play the lead role, which they have too meekly left to KP. Maybe Ed Joyce will take his place, or Owais Shah or Mal Loye, who is "playing just down the road in New Zealand" says Botham, the modern Magellan. Beefy then wonders whether we could ask Damien Martyn if he fancies a game, now that he has turned his back on Australia.

How to get a head

Nigel Henderson does more than just mope about the Ashes, he also gets his fingers dirty with historical research, as this latest essay from our travelling fan reveals...

There has been plenty of debate over where the Ashes' resting place should be after Australia's comprehensive victory over England but readers may be less acquainted with the strange tale of the ownership of John Shinnal's head.

Twentysomething

I left the match with England 68 for five. Sometimes life is too short even for Twenty20. The problem with this form of the game is that if you stumble early on, there is no time to make amends. The game was over just eight balls into England's run chase when they reached five for two. Australia, by contrast, built partnerships of 28, 69, 26 and 26 as they composed a formidable total.

Of course this hit and giggle doesn't matter (and nor would it if England had won) but it is a disturbing reminder of how tricky it is to bring down a stampeding Australia. Oh well, only a maximum of 11 more one-day matches this tour.

Nigel's Alive!

We have received literally several messages of concern about Nigel Henderson, our travelling supporter, who went missing in Sydney the day before the final day of the final Test. His mother and his legions of fans will be relieved to learn that he has now made contact and sends these words:

"It was, I'm afraid, a combination of knowing we were going to lose before lunch and a steaming hangover after a night on the tiles that did for me. I did come round in time to see KP snick his second ball of the day to an innocuous delivery from the Pidgeon on telly. And it was downhill from there. I don't think I could have faced the Aussie love-in afterwards...bloody hell, even cricketers have to bring their kids on; what is it,  some celebration of new-manhood!?  Papers here now full of Shane and Simone and Parky's TV interview...sure you'll be copping loads of it over there."

Why England lost

My colleague Matthew Syed wrote a piece yesterday that said we are all missing the point, that England lost the Ashes not because of poor captaincy, selection or lack of preparation but because Australia were better than us. Those of us who look at factors other than pure statistics, he says, "lack perspective".

Up to a point, he is right. We should never ignore the fact that Australia are much better than England and that they came out of the blocks faster and hit us harder than we could do to them. We were beaten by a better side and this blog has never failed to praise the brilliance of those pesky Aussies. But Matthew is wrong to say that we should just consider the numbers.

Out of Africa

Meanwhile, elsewhere on Planet Cricket, a fascinating match is reaching a crescendo in Cape Town. Third Test between South Africa and India, series level at 1-1, India make 414, SA respond with 373 but then go berserk with Dale Steyn taking four wickets to bowl India out for 169. Chasing a target of 211, South Africa, with Pollock as nightwatchman, are 100 for two half an hour into the final day.

If you are anywhere near a TV showing this match, I suggest you watch it instead of moping/celebrating the Ashes. This is a reminder to all of us of how much fun cricket can be when both teams, to use a favourite banal phrase of Duncan Fletcher, "put their hands up and come to the party".

Boycott's catty remark

Not everyone in England will be upset by England's 5-0 capitulation in the Ashes. Geoffrey Boycott's cat will soon be the beneficiary of an OBE after the former England and Yorkshire captain vented his spleen during the fifth Test in Sydney.

Boycott questioned the decision to award the entire England squad MBEs for winning the Ashes in 2005 only to see the majority of those players produce such poor performances in Australia: "People like me played 100 Test matches to get one, and [scored] 8,000 [runs]," Boycott said. "I didn't play five Test matches and get one.

"I feel so bad about mine I'm going to tie it round my cat. It doesn't mean anything anymore. It's a joke."

However, Boycott did identify a few players who he felt deserved their gongs: "Andrew Flintoff, who's a super player, Marcus Trescothick who's played a lot of Tests and done well, Michael Vaughan as the winning captain. But every Tom, Dick or Harry?"

Henderson MIA

From David Townsend, live at the the scene with the Barmy Army and comforting the Times's travelling fan, Nigel Henderson

In the end, poor old Nigel couldn't face it. He had sat through the opening humiliation in Brisbane, endured the agony of Adelaide, only missed one day in Perth and stayed to the very end (of Day Three) in Melbourne... but the final act was too much for him.

View from the sofa - the final day of the series?

01.17am: Hayden hits a huge six to level the scores then has a long chat with Langer about what to do next. Will he let Langer hit the winning runs? "If I was Langer I'd say hit the ball out of the ground again and let's get a beer," says Ian Botham. Instead, Hayden nudges a single and Langer runs down the field, arms spread in celebration, to complete a single before giving his best mate a huge hug.

So that's that. 5-0 to Australia in comprehensive style. There are hugs all round on the outfield as the rest of the side comes out to celebrate. It was hardly unexpected that Australia should win today - we had a meeting in the office yesterday to plan The Times's post-mortem coverage, which will be appearing on the website and in the paper over the next couple of days - but for them to win in the manner they did this morning was completely in keeping with the passionate and professional way they have approached this series.

I'll post a more thorough report in the morning after a few hours' sleep, but before I go I should thank the various friends who have kept me company this series, not only in person but all those new virtual friends who have left comments on this blog. To the Australians, thank you for (in the main) your sympathy. You have a great team. To the English, well, er, ho-hum.

Anyway, this blog hasn't finished just because the Ashes are over. There's a Twenty20 international next week, and some one-day matches, and a World Cup, and the County Championship... Long may cricket rule over us.

View from the sofa - day 3

Close of play: I'd been too sporting earlier, expressing regret that the "dream" of Warne making a hundred in his last match hadn't come off. Well stuff his dreams, what about ours? It looks almost a dead certainty now that England will lose this Test in four days and the Ashes will close with a whimper after yet another spineless display by the England batsmen. They look as if they want this to be over and done with - perhaps having had two days off in Melbourne they want another early cut here so they can go to the zoo or whatever with their families.

There is such little pride on display in this team. The game was well poised when Symonds was out last night but Warne - who else? - knocked the stuffing out of England with his exuberant batting and the match was over as a contest. I've tried to stay positive all series, but this is just too depressing. The only bright spot has been the magnanimity, by and large, of Line and Length's Australian commenters. As one said: "I prefer to save emasculating smashings for the insufferable South Africans, and have good contests with you bastards." Sorry, guys, maybe we'll show some heart in 2009.