End of year events and working parent guilt

If it's Tuesday it must be the concert, or is it the school play? Has anyone else noticed that the end of the school year is a nightmare for working parents? If it's not the school play, it's the concert, open day or sports day. And there's an assumption that parents will just come on by with no trouble at all.

This is a real problem for working mums, especially those who work part-time. If you're a part-time worker, you're often already seen as not quite committed to the job. Once you start taking any extra time off, you really are creating difficulties (much tutting in the office, even as you take this time off as holiday - meaning less time, of course, to take as holiday when your children aren't actually at school).

But of course you want your children to be happy. You want to be there and show that you are committed. At our school, many of the parents who do get really involved are the ones that work - it's partly Mummy guilt, which kicks in early these days.

But, at various school gates I know of, there's still anger at the assumption that mums are always available, particularly at short notice. One mother told me yesterday that her class was told to bring in a present for the younger children they "buddy" with. They were told this at 3.30pm on a Thursday, with the present to be brought in the following day. She found this out after work at 6.30pm. Not too helpful.

We recently had a school open day. Whilst wandering around the school, I mentioned to one parent that I felt sorry for those who couldn't be there. She looked at me as if I was mad.

"You mean the children?" she replied.

"I mean the children and the parents," I said. "The parents want to be here, but sometimes it's just not possible."

One parent, Mary, has this to say. She works school hours, specifically so she can be there for her kids after school - so no accusing her of not caring about them please.

"Guilt is my problem. Trying to hold down a job and be taken seriously at work but it's so hard when we have the school schedule visits or meetings during the day. My son gets so upset when I can't come and often says I never do anything like school outings. I just couldn't. It would be a whole day off.

Last week I told him that I couldn't come to Sports Day, and he was so upset I thought I really must go. I asked my boss if I could have an hour off, he shrugged his shoulders, rolled his eyes, complained a bit and eventually said yes, if I worked through my lunch hour. This is a man who has two school-age children but he's okay because his wife doesn't have to work and he doesn't have to compromise his work life. Going to the sports day was worthwhile and my son was so pleased to see me, but the stress involved was really hard. And it doesn't stop."

Should schools take more notice of the fact that many mothers now work and aren't always available? Should some things be scheduled in the evening and can't schools (a plea I have heard constantly) let parents have as much notice as possible about events that are taking place?

Read a great piece about streamlining your life on today's Alpha Mummy

Comments

[John Scott]

And shouldn't journalists take more notice of the fact that many fathers also work and want to spend time with their children - indeed that fathers may now be the primary carer with the mother as the primary income earner, but with both working full-time?

[Mollie]

I applied to take a week of unpaid leave to fit in the various school commitments I have. My bosses held a meeting (without me) to discuss it with HR. It was pointed out to them that it was the law to allow me to take it so they had no choice but to grant it. I have taken it as individual days or half days so it has had no impact on my work (no one bothers when you are off for one day or less). None of the men I work with can understand why I would want to take unpaid leave to spend time with my children. They of course have wives who don't work and children they don't want to see. I have been told that it will have a detrimental effect on my career prospects.

[Tara@From Dawn Till Rusk]

This is something that really really makes me mad! My son has just completed his first year at school and a couple of times their scheduling of events has made me so mad. Sports Day was at 12.30pm, so it meant neither my husband or I couldn start work late or leave early to get there (it meant having to take a day holiday). And when the school recently announced the class my son goes into in Year 1 will be a mixed class (older Year 1s and younger Year 2s) a meeting to explain it all to worried parents was set for 9.30am - and we were only told about it three days before. No concession whatsoever for working parents.

[Alison Jones]

My son's school publish an annual calendar of events which is pretty accurate as far as major events like concerts, prize-giving and sports day is concerned. (Most schools operate like this now.) This calendar is on their web site and sent home as a hard copy. This helps greatly with planning absences from work. I'm incredibly sympathetic of mother guilt, but taking the bull by the horns with employers and providing ample notice and reason for absence/ holidays is the key. Proactively seek information from your school -and don't rely on your kids for information!

[JM]

I was phoned at 11:30am on the 2nd last day of school by my son's Prep school to ask me to come to the school's sports prize giving at 2pm THAT day as my son was due to win a prize!! The sports prize giving was in the calendar but was invitation only for parents. I had to drop everything to rush to my son's school and made it with minutes to spare. Surely they must have known at least the day before who was getting prizes.

There is an astonishing assumption that all Mothers are sitting at home waiting for a phone call from the school.

[Catherine Beak]

My children had their sports day last week. The event calendar said it would be Sport Day in the afternoon.

When the letter came in the week of the sport day, my son, in reception, had his sports day at 9.30am and my elder daughter had her's at 1.15pm.

That - in work terms - is a whole day!

[Caroline]

I too have children in primary school, and the assumption is always that the mothers will be there at the school's beck and call. I work for a secondary school three days a week (to accommodate school hours and holidays) and have recently had to change my work days on three occasions within a fortnight in order to get my child to a sporting event where she was representing the school. We found out about the last fixture (which the school would have known about from the organiser's website)2 working days before the event - and this included a 250 mile round trip - and no thanks from the school at the end of it!
Many of the parents at my childrens' school have degrees and have had successful careers in the past, but have been reluctant to continue in order to give our children the support they need - and the school expects us to be there.

[Laura]

"can't schools (a plea I have heard constantly) let parents have as much notice as possible about events that are taking place?"

It's not only mothers in paid empoyment that would like more notice. I'm a stay-at-home mum and I too would appreciate as much notice as possible.

[Nikki]

To all you whinging wives, TELL THE HUSBAND TO GET OFF HIS BUM AND GET INVOLVED!!!!

It takes two to make a child. If there are two of you bringing the child up, then you should SHARE responsibilities, rather than whinging here on a forum.

And don't give me the crap that men don't understand, and that they have more responsibilities at work. It's about time they became involved, because it's attitudes like this that are giving the rest of us career focussed women a bad name.

[Jean Jones]

Astonishingly, schools are not there to accommodate working mothers, they're there to educate children, and equally astonishingly, they tend to have school events at a time that suits the children and the staff. Yes, they should let parents know well in advance if their presence is required, but in 18 years of being a parent of school children the only time I have known this be a problem is when the child has forgotten to deliver the bit of paper with the notification. If schools don't let people know well in advance,parents need to complain and see that they do in future. It's not hard for a well-managed school to do. But to moan that they don't hold events at a time to suit working mothers is a bit self-centred, surely. State schools aren't childminding facilities.

[Mandy]

Some parents like Jean, who say we shouldn't treat schools like child-minding facilities are missing the point. The alternative for families with two working parents is to employ a childminder or Nanny full time. Which would be a massive drain on their financial resources, as well as a complete waste of money most of the time, when children are of course in school. The fact is that schools expect far more from parents than they did when we were in education. Did we have parents accompanying school trips when we were young? Was there anything more than a sports day and the odd school play per year? The sheer number of school activities exacerbates the stress working parents already feel through juggling and guilt. We're shown up by parents who are always able to be there - volunteering for reading, helping school projects, as well as always being in attendance at school events. And our children notice. Schools should be more sympathetic, give more notice, be more organised (in my school's case) and really think about the impact their demands have when they are poorly thought out, or the sheer number of them gets too much.
And in our case, this applies to my husband as well as myself. We pretty much share responsibility. But as a self employed person, he has often lost a day's wages to be there for our daughter at a school event.

[vicky fox]

I disagree strongly with Jean Jones' comments. School is rightly organised around the needs of children but to pretend that children exist in a vacuum is utter nonsense. Children are part of a family - if you ignore the needs of a family, you end up ignoring some of the child's needs too. Late notice of school events or urgent requests for equipment are nothing to do with the needs of the child - they are to do with poor organisation and lack of concern for the family that the child is part of.

[Jean Jones]

I have never come across a school that regularly notified parents at the last minute of important things. What I have come across is children who don't deliver the vital bits of paper, which is why schools nearly always notify you at least twice about important things. I would lay heavy odds that the story below about the present being needed and not mentioned till the day before was explained by either it being a casual remark from a teacher ("it would be a nice idea to get a present...") or else it having been said before and this being the last-minute reminder which the child at last remembered to pass on. Quite apart from anything else, teachers are well aware that there are families who are very short of money and do not issue orders that Presents Must Be Brought, in case it causes distress to such families. Obviously if an individual school IS being remiss about notifications, then parents need to complain. But the no1 rule with anything a child tells you about school, in my lengthy experience, is check they've got the details right and don't wade in with guns blazing until you have made absolutely sure that you're getting the full, correct story.

As to the rest, I repeat that schools are not there to fit in 100% with parents. It's not all about the parents, it's about the children. The majority of teachers are parents too and they have families; they know what it's like, but they also have working hours and it's entirely reasonable that school activities should fit into those hours. And as to the business of feeling guilty if you can't go in and help in the classroom - teachers understand perfectly well if a parent is at work and can't be forever at school helping out. It's not a three-line whip and feeling guilty, if anyone does about that sort of thing, is not the school's fault.

What I can't help feeling is that there seems to be a great lack of communication between some parents and some schools, which surprises me in this day and age. Teachers are just human beings. If nobody tells them about problems how are they supposed to address them? But at the same time they are also fellow-professionals and not slaves. They do their jobs so as to benefit the children first and foremost, not to fit in with the parents' timetables. If you want someone to do the latter, employ a governess.

[Clare Simmonds]

I have to agree with John Scott and everyone else who has mentioned it. The fathers (working or stay at home) should also be taking responsibility for all of these activities. It is not down to the mother alone to take responsiblity and bear all the guilt. Please could we begin to see a few articles about joint parenting, instead of the usual 'poor guilty women who work' spiel....

[H Turner]

I was so incensed by the comments of Jean Jones IO felt compelled to write. Normally I am a reader and a lurker, not a writer.

Sadly I am unable to have children so spend my time actively supporting other children in my life, nieces, nephews, close friends children etc.

Said children live the length and breadth of the country, therefore different LEA's different local customs, different schools.

2 weeks notice of a number of 'end of term' events which entail your child of 11/12 being out for a 'treat' until 2am, which you are expected to pay for, and your child is expected to be fully attentive in school bright an early at 8.30am, is not appropriate.

Another was said child was considered suitable for an end of term prize. Parents not consulted, child given a list to choose from, parent sent the bill!!! List included things up to over a hundred pounds...?!?!

Of course the parent was seen as being the 'baddie' in this instance when they had to tell the child that 1) they could not afford the 'treat' and 2) they did not like the way the school had gone about this.

One child spent several weeks trying to track down the teacher concerned to hand in some homework because initially said teacher was 'unavailable' to attend the scheduled lesson, and the child was not allowed to hand the homework into a letter box/pigeon hole/other teacher. The child was only allowed to present herself to the designated classroom, and obviously was only able to go, before class, after class and in the breaks/lunch time. By the end of it the child became very disheartened and said , if the teacher can't be bothered, then why should I???

And then there was the school teacher who told the parent of a year 11 child that the child consistently presented projects and homework which easily reached A level standard, yet said child, at the end of year report got a 'Average' grade for the subject at year 11.

Getting down off my soap box and going back to reading with a six year old, because she loves to read.

[Jean Jones]

H Turner - I have never come across any of those things happening in a state school. Prizes that the parents have to pay for? Treats that entail being out till 2am and then back at school the next morning? Teachers who won't accept pupils' work? Inaccurate reporting? All things that obviously need discussion with the school(s). Why are you incensed by what I said? Nothing that I said has anything to do with any of that, except insofar as I advocated talking to the school if things don't seem right. Perhaps I've just been lucky, but I've always found that whenever anything that seems strange has come up, a quick phone call to the school has sorted it out. Schools really, really do not want their children or their parents to be unhappy, in my experience. But if the parents of these children have tackled the school(s) about these incidents and got nowhere, then they should be talking to the LEA about them. The buck stops somewhere, every time.

[Dottoressa]

I'm with Jean Jones. Schools aren't, and shouldn't be, babysitting services provided for the convenience of working parents. The letters-that-go-missing scenario is far more likely than a school failing to inform parents of anything (all my letters home from school used to lurk unread in my school-bag...)

It's also worth remembering that parents really don't need to flap about missing school events. Once I'd got beyond about eight, my own SAHM always ducked out of such things (to my relief!); my father had to ask me which class I was in (for which, again, I was grateful - the last thing I'd have wanted was an Involved Father, much as I loved playing cricket with him!!) My mother did watch me in the egg-and-spoon race when I was six, but that was about it. For the record, she and I could not be closer!

A classic example of benign neglect, which is an overlooked virtue nowadays...

[Dottoressa]

While we're at it...

"The sheer number of school activities exacerbates the stress working parents already feel through juggling and guilt."

It is not the job of teachers/head teachers/full-time parents to ease the consciences of working parents!

If you feel guilty about working, then stop working. Whatever you do, don't expect other people, who have made their own choices, to accommodate your guilt.

If you counter that you have no choice but to work, then why feel guilty about it? If you really do have no choice, there is nothing to feel guilty about: if, by working, you are enabling your family to live above the poverty line, or to keep a roof above their heads, then you by definition have nothing to feel guilty about and everything to feel good about...

[ABETADAD]

My kids have been to two private prep schools and both were just the same. They expect/expected parents to turn up mid afternoon and often held the pre-prep and prep school events on two consecutive days so people with two kids had to miss two afternoons at work.

Then there were the directives to make complicated costumes for plays! I always got the feeling that the schools just assumed that there was a 'mother' who would just be sitting at home able to drop everything.

Who do I blame? Well I am afraid to say that in the private school sector I blame the teachers who just have a pretty cushy existence. Not only do they have shorter terms than state school but higher pay and frankly they are just dumping on parents.

[Sarah F]

Nikki,
Re: rant at fathers - I find it's impossible to "make" the father of my son do anything he doesn't want to, especially since we've been divorced for 4 years.
Consequently he does not go to parents evenings, sports days etc whilst I call in favours & work unpaid overtime in order to be there as often as possible for school events.

As for the rest - yes, notice would be appreciated!! And updating the school website! I am supposed to give 6 weeks notice for ANY leave, so when the school sends letters home with less than 2 weeks notice it makes it very difficult to impossible to fit it in with working.
As a working mother I am frequently annoyed and let down by the school's attitude that parents (particularly mothers) can drop everything at a moments notice for the school - we're not living in the 1950's!

[Sarah F]

Another thing: why does the school rely so much on letters going home in the school bag?
It's not effective! Kids DO forget to bring things home or they shove them in a pocket and careless mothers like me find the tattered remains in the tumble dryer.
If the school can text and email a reminder about some things why can't they do this for all things?
Or even update their website on a regular basis so that parents who WANT to be informed, can be.
I know schools plan events weeks, sometimes months, in advance: why can't they let parents know?