John Lennon's report described him as a failure: what don't you want to read about your child?

That end of year gift for parents - the school report - has arrived. But there's good reason not to be disappointed if it wasn't what you expected.

My parents, I do recall, once read that I was prone to "occasional talkative lapses" (thanks Mrs Townley). Meanwhile one mother was recently told that her son had "moments of madness in the laboratory," which surely begs for more information. Another sad parent says her daughter received the telling comment that "she wears school uniform to a high standard." None, surely, could be better (or perhaps worse) than the single word "Who?"

But just to prove that bad reports aren't the be all and end all, here are five celebrity classics.

1) "Certainly on the road to failure,"
John Lennon's primary school was completely wrong about him then.

2) "Inclined to fussiness."
This didn't exactly hold Lynn Truss back.

3) "Jilly has set herself an extremely low standard which she has failed to maintain".
A brilliant comment about author Jilly Cooper.

4) "Judi would be a very good pupil if she lived in this world."
Oscar winner Dame Judi Dench has done pretty well in that other, make-believe, world. 

5) "If I had to select an expedition to the South Pole he would be the first person I would choose. But I would make sure that he was not on the return journey!"
Former SDP leader Lord Owen was clearly not the most popular boy at his school - at least amongst the teachers.

(thanks to Catherine Hurley's books, Could Do Better and Could Do Even Better)

al

Comments

[Chioma]

My PSHE (Personal Social and Health Education for those who think of O-levels not GCSES) teacher gave me a glowing report, until at the end she chose to mention how I (a boy) swallowed several contraception pills she was showing us for a dare. My family still takes the piss.

[Andy]

I'd love to see Andi Dean's school report

[MS]

I was told (repeatedly) I wouldn't amount to anything. And yes, I am a graduate student at Columbia University!

[Bemused]

My fiance is now a professional classical musician of distinction. His primary school violin report once read "seemingly insurmountable technical difficulties are now just fairly serious". (his first teacher had taught him to play with the instrument in the wrong hand!)

[andi dean]

dude. im start. yall are DUMBBB.
=D
haha
i'm americannn.
better than youuu.
i'm 16. =)=)=)
im beast in school.
I OWN YOU.

[Albert]

I was denounced as useless in Junior School, poor in Secondary Modern, and have just retired after 35 years in teaching, 25 as Head, hopefully not condemning anyone in such cruel terms.I have 2 Degrees, 2 children, one in teaching, the other has more sense these days, and the tick box report system appals me.

[HLB]

In year 8 maths my tutor said i should stop day dreaming and watching the boys school out of the window. In year 11 the headmistress told me i would amount to nothing more than a shop assistant. I left at 16, worked for two years, travelled for one and am now studying for my LLB!

[Bryan]

my final high school report read - "**** should leave the education system as soon as is legally possible" - took it personally and qualified as a teacher just to make it a little more difficult!

[Sharrie]

My German teacher had, several years before my time, told Eddie Irvine (now a successful racing driver) that he'd never amount to anything... ooops!

[Sharrie]

My German teacher had, several years before my time, told Eddie Irvine (now a successful racing driver) that he'd never amount to anything... ooops!

[LittleGreen]

The Head of English at my secondary school told me that it would be a waste of time for me to do A'Levels as I ''wasn't really bright enough''.

I left school, worked for a few years, but got so bored of office life that I did a crammer course of A'Levels (3 in 9 months).
I got all A's and went to Cambridge as a mature student to read English Literature (I got a 2:1).

I'm now training to be a teacher, and I hope to be the exact opposite of my old Head of English :-)

[j]

LOL you should have a special needs child, that puts other reports into perspective.

My fave comment of this year: "x is learning to control his screaming".

Always nice to accentuate the positive...

[Janine]

My 4 year old received his first Report from the local School Nursery. I excitedly sat down to read all about "my little boy"! It was a 4 page tick list not unlike the MOT check list for the car. It could have been for any child and I found it quite depressing.

[Charles]

As a form tutor, I was given a set of 30 pupil reports and every child received an identical report. Only their different first names started each report.

[Jean Jones]

What I wouldn't like to read about my child: "exam result 100%; I am awed at the quality of his intellect which is way above mine, but I do worry about his complete lack of social skills and total friendlessness. This may have something to do with his arrogance and inability to understand that there is more to life than intellect and exam passes."

That I really would not like to read about one of mine, and I have met several unfortunate children, contemporaries of my children, whom it describes perfectly.

[Ishan]

I am from India. I remember a Maths teacher telling me in front of the class "You will amount to a street hawker in a small town at best". Now I am working at the space research center in a university here in the UK. I often wonder what that teacher would say if he met me today.

[sweetalkinguy]

**** continues to perform on the games field with vigour and enthusiasm, but will no doubt learn that his efforts will be better rewarded when applied within the constraints imposed by the rules of the game.

**** will get nowhere with this sought (sic) of presentation.

**** deserves congratulations for his bravery in attempting a question in the exam which we have not covered in lessons, but unfortunately the oases of his enlightenment did not match the deserts of his ignorance.

[sweetalkinguy]

**** continues to perform on the games field with vigour and enthusiasm, but will no doubt learn that his efforts will be better rewarded when applied within the constraints imposed by the rules of the game.

**** will get nowhere with this sought (sic) of presentation.

**** deserves congratulations for his bravery in attempting a question in the exam which we have not covered in lessons, but unfortunately the oases of his enlightenment did not match the deserts of his ignorance.

[john banner]

My final Headmaster's report consisted of two words, "Intellectually indolent". I've always been rather proud of that...

[MD]

my music teacher once wrote that "he is a very good drummer" even though i had never played the drums and was only just starting the guitar!

[joe]

My cousin, then aged about 7, was told he would "never be any good at maths" because he wrote his figure 2 back-to-front. He later got a first in maths and I expect his ex-teacher became Education Minister.

[Carol Charlton]

This one word comment was written by my Maths master in my last report at grammar school in the early sixties. "Hopeless".
He was right - I'm still no good at maths but I work for a firm of accountants!

[Crombie]

I can't remember any of my reports as they were several decades ago. But then I always did have a terrible memory so they wouldn't have been very memorable I'm sure. What I did think I had was A.D.D but they didn't have a name for it then. As I gazed out of the window at my first house meeting I turned to see many hands raised and so raised mine to discover that I was in the boxing competition. I finished up a B.747 captain. I just had to work a lot harder than everyone else.

[Tom]

Mr K., a geography teacher at our school, once issued reports on an entire class he didn't teach.

[JD]

A French teacher once wrote of me..

"J is a classic problem child, he daydreams frequently and either demands attention or sulks. I would also add that the classroom is not the place to concoct lurid and macabre stories."

she never did seem to grasp the fact that my mother died half way through the first term of senior school.

I often wonder what she is doing. I now write mystery fiction -- the lurid and macabre kind

[.]

WORK.........chip, shoulder by any chance???

[Livvie]

On the other hand... I had brilliant school reports - "Olivia's intelligent questionning benefits the whole class" - but have failed to do anything at all useful in life.

[Ian]

My report once read "The worst report in the school - his only distiction". Classic.

[oliv.]

"Work like a horse, succeed like a donkey".

Another one very good was:
1st report "not bad"
2nd report "on free fall"
3rd report "didn't take a parachute"
4th report "boom"
(supposed to be given by a german teacher to a student a few years ahead of us, the teacher always refused to confirm, or deny)

[anthony]

dashing prince - talk about glass half empty. 95% of people have no talent? Are you suffering from depression? Blimey, a night in the pub with you would be a sobering experience. Single by any chance?

[Work]

I do believe, Pauline, that you can find me in a top law firm in training to become one of those solicitors with too much money and no time to spend it. ;) Being accurate is a big part of my job - prevents red faces at the end of the day.

[Jeremy]

My social science teacher simply wrote - 'Jeremy is an enigma' - try explaining that one to your parents.

[Richard Tracey]

Now that his handwriting has improved we can clearly see how little he knows.

[Ken]

When I was 9 years old my report read, 'Kenneth is a bright boy who is capable of good work. He has a keen, dry sense of humour which sometimes gets the better of him.'
To this day I don't think anyone has ummed me up better in so few words.

[Sarah Ebner]

Kandace, you are right. Apologies and I have changed it. I was so amused by the comment, I didn't quite think straight...

[alfred noble]

...Those who can do, those who can't *teach*... very true!

[Kandace]

You call Lord Owen a Lib-Dem, he'll probably send YOU on a one-way expedition to the South Pole.

[Pauline Bird]

Meeow! 'Work' - not a skint teacher by any chance? Fortunately the IT used by investment banks has a spelling checker! An obsession with the relatively unimportant is a big part of a teacher's life, but a lesser one of an investment banker's! (Although you could argue that it possibly should be, as the credit crunch demonstrates)

[David]

School reports aren't easy to write you know. Also I would point out that very few teachers could get away with comments like those nowadays.

[Work]

Sorry Kate(below), but seeing as you can't yet spell 'definitely', I worry about your input at said investment bank.

[SSMITH]

After leaving school I later ran into my form tutor he sold me a ticket at the local railway station.

[Chris Campbell]

I can't remember to whom it related but i read somewhere that 'x' "worked incredibly hard when cornered and supervised.." lovely.

[Sofia]

My teachers encouraged me to leave school at 16 and get a job as they believed I lacked the intelligence to go to university. I ignored them and went on to get a Bachelor of Science degree and then a postgraduate diploma in law and am now a Government lawyer. I hate to think how many children who are actively discouraged in this way actually take their short sighted teachers advice and fail to reach their full potential.

[Kate]

I was enrolled in a public boarding school from a young age and was there until my A Levels - at great expense to my parents, who were told that I would do very well as a shop assistant and that should be my career path. They were less than thrilled!

I now work at an Investment Bank in the city.......yup those teachers definatly proved their calibre!!!

[jah]

My report said that I performed well but was captive to my emotions I went on to become a Barrister and was described in the local press as a pioneer for some of my cases. I had a terrible time at school in days when being clever was not to be encouraged as we were all forced to learn at the same rate, so I was bored stiff.

[Mary Davis]

Paul McCartney did not attend Dovedale; George Harrison did, three years behind Lennon. Paul McCartney attended Joseph Williams.

[Dashingprince]

In truth education is very important.

Most people are not going to be a John Lennon and thus he is no example to anyone.

Education is vital as 95% of people have no real special talent. Education is their only real shot at life.

[N Inniss]

I attended the same Primary School,Dovedale in Penny Lane and in fact sat in the same classroom for My English lesson not long after John had left to attend Quarrybank Secondary. Our English teacher,Mr Griffiths always use to refer fondly to the desks were I believe both John and Paul sat. He reminded us of their achievements and never referred to John as a loser but as an example to follow!!

[John Gregory Flinn]

Most teachers have to write reports with an eye to that adage - 'the curate's egg'.
Inevitably they will face the music at Parents' Evenings where they might have described a pupil's performance more honestly than warranted.

However grading performance on a scale from 1 to 20, or A et seq., is recommended because progress or not can be established and the comments, which may be personal rather than constructive, can be viewed in that context.

[GinaDay]

I remember one teacher referring to me as "he" all the way through one report, which was a bit worrying. Mind you, it was in French, not one of my strongest subjects, where I did my best to keep my head down!