Who gains when parents bully teachers?

In today's Times, Charlotte Phillips writes about the bullying of staff at independent schools. She suggests that rich parents, used to getting what they want in their very successful lives, have transferred this assumption to their children's education. "They have the best TVs, and expect to buy the same education," says one expert. "Expectations of what they're going to get have increased."

One has to wonder just whom these parents - ready to threaten their children's teachers with legal action for apparently minor digressions - think they are helping. I'm not sure it's their offspring. It's true that a child might be the richest in a classroom, but that doesn't necessarily mean that he will be the cleverest, or the best singer, footballer, or artist. And although money, in the form of tutors for example, can help make that happen, it can't ensure that it will. Threats aren't going to help either.

Once they're at school, children have to learn to be themselves and find out what they're good at. They must learn to win and to lose, to do well at some things, and not at others, to make friends, and to get on with people. They also need to build up relationships with adults, such as their teachers, and cannot rely on mummy and daddy to sort all this out for them, for ever.

All parents want the best for their children, but that doesn't necessarily mean that they should try and have total control over the lives of their offspring. Helicopter parents, who recently won the right to fill in their children's UCAS form and even to sit in on interviews, need to step back and allow their children to develop. That doesn't mean parents shouldn't care, just that they shouldn't go over the top. Parents who scream and shout when their child doesn't get the lead role in a school play, are not helping. In fact, they're often an embarrassment, especially when they do the screaming and shouting in front of their son or daughter.

Mothers and fathers also need to realise that teachers cannot be held accountable for everything. The vast majority of teachers want the best for their pupils - there is no hidden agenda - and need parental support. The government has been pushing this point recently, but in quite another scenario, as they try to encourage parents to help with their children's behaviour, watch what they eat, and work on basic learning skills. Many of the parents who bully teachers because their child did not get an A on their homework would be horrified to think that they are being lumped in with those kind of parents. But they could certainly do with improving their behaviour and making more effort too.

No parent should harass a teacher. In fact, unless it's something that you consider really important - bullying, illness, truly abominable teaching - I don't see the point in upsetting your child's teacher at all. In my experience, parents don't want to risk doing so in case it backfires on their child. They also don't want to look neurotic. Or is that just a state school thing? 

Comments

[bill]

one thing that annoys me about rich people is they think they are important, this is encouraged by the media and celebs
They are just ordinary people who are lucky to have a lot of money, many of them did not even get it by their own effort. the rest of us should treat them as such

[ERS]

I have to complain about one of the posts here, whatever the circumstances, I don't believe it is appropriate to use the words "scumbag" or "sociopath" when referring to children - or anyone else come to that ( EFM, Sept. 18).

[paul]

I have taught now in Korea for 10 years. The issues of parents and teachers is the same. I am also a parent of four children. To fear the parent should not be allowed. Hire one Administrator who will bakc the teacher and who is not scared of his job. I coached a boy who was my best person on a team. I ebched him because of the parent. Then I asked his fther notto come to the games so his son could play. Not easy but the teacher needs to fight for the child.

[Hol]

Paying for your child's education does not then give you the right to order their teacher around or encroach on their private time like they're your own personal slave, any more than paying for a meal in a restaurant entitles you to be rude and bully your waiter. No matter how rich you are you should still treat the people providing you a service with the utmost respect, you get far better results that way. It's basic human decency. You're paying for an education, not for a guaranteed academic success record and every lead role in a play or place on the football team you believe they're entitled to just because you say so. The child still has to earn some things - needs to learn HOW to earn things such as a top grade or a school prize or whatever. That's as important a lesson as maths and English.

And what is all this teaching the kids? "If I stamp my foot and shout like Mum/Dad I'll get my way without earning it? Being obnoxious instead of calm/co-operative is a better way to solve a problem?" How is that going to set the child up for the real world where that attitude doesn't wash, or is Dad's money going to buy him out of that problem too?

[mat]

Wouldn't parents be better off if they listened to their child's + teacher's sides of any debate before they waded in? Anyone who can't read between the lines after an objective look at both points of view just isn't making the parent-teacher link any easier or harmonious. My college is very careful about keeping my parents informed about any problems I may have. With respectful communication and sense, there shouldn't be any problem. The fact is, a small minority of parents often throw their toys from the pram when they perceive that their child is under fire, not having considered the reason for it. Most of the time, though, everyone gets on with what has to be done.

[whimsey]

"CSH, what the hell is "Big School"? Unless you're 10 years old yourself, please talk like an adult"

That's a rather rude comment to make at another poster, EFM. Can't we all be polite to one another? I'm sure you wouldn't like someone speaking to you like that

(Apols for duplication of previous post - I wasn't sure if it had posted, and pressed 'go' again.)

[whimsey]

If the head at a private school does not stamp down hard on these vile 'snobs' that appear either amongst the parents or their children, then it's clearly an appalling school and no one should teach there.

I hope your head did stamp down hard on the little xxxxxx. What a fine human being he's going to grow up to be, poor kid. Everyone will loathe him (as presumably they loathe his ghastly father), and he'll have to buy any attention and affection all his life, because no one will give him any, only sell it to him.

[Katherine]

I taught in a private school for three years and have taught in the state sector since. The worst problem with parents who have this bullying attitude is that they pass it on to their children - I have never got over the shock of being told by a seven-year-old boy in my class "You've got to do what I say because my Dad pays your wages"! Needless to say, his Dad was one who criticised every desicion taken in the classroom, and clearly thought all teachers were on a level with his cleaner. (Heaven help her too).

Working in a state school in a rough area since, the parents are far more friendly - there are always one or two exceptions (who of course you never see at parents evenings), but most are prepared to respect you for the job you do. This of course shows itself in the children too - for example, you buy a treat for the class as a reward for good behaviour on a school trip, these children are all delighted and say thank you. Not so in the private school - they thought it was no more than their due.

[allyson]

the teacher should do what you say? would you tell any other professional how to do their job? i pay the dentist an awful lot of money these days and while i have the last say on what he does i would be foolish to assume that he should do exactly what i said......

[EFM]

PS: CSH, what the hell is "Big School"? Unless you're 10 years old yourself, please talk like an adult.

[EFM]

My mother has taught school for 40 years. Every year for decades, she says, there would be one or two difficult, pushy parents at the most. Now she spends more time dealing with them than she does planning lessons. They bombard her with e-mails and phone calls, they ask for her personal phone number and try to call her at home, they fight over every grade and comment and placement, they threaten to report her to her department head. Because their daughter got a B instead of an A.
It would never occur to these parents that their child's own performance has a direct effect on their grades. Teachers don't just throw darts at a grade sheet and assign grades willy-nilly. And my mother teaches French, which isn't "fuzzy" in terms of right and wrong, like writing or history might be: either you get the word or the grammar or the pronunciation right or you don't. And if you don't, you don't get points for "trying". This isn't summer camp.

Garry, paying 4000 pounds a year does NOT give you the right to tell your child's teacher what to do. Teachers in private schools (at least in the US) do NOT get paid more than ones in public schools (in fact, they are often paid LESS than their public counterparts, because they are not unionized and are not required to have teaching certificates). And NO teacher has to "take the rough with the smooth" if the rough consists of a rude, disrespectful, entitled parent screaming obscenities at the teacher because s/he didn't give the student the grade the parents wanted, or the part in the play, or the spot on the team. This is terrible behavior for a child to witness and absorb. Often the child himself (or herself) is less concerned about the grade than the parent is, and is terribly humiliated by their parents' histrionics.

Irene, of course parents should complain if there is abuse or inappropriate behavior directed to the student. No one is saying that parents should just stand idly by when a teacher calls a child stupid, or bullies him or her, or whatever. But giving low grades for low performance is not "abuse". Disciplining a misbehaving student in an appropriate manner is not "abuse". Maintaining high standards for work and behavior is not "abuse". It's education.
Furthermore, parents should be especially careful of a child who often or constantly complains of being maligned or unfairly treated in class. Complaints should always be discussed calmly and respectfully with the teacher and the department head (or whatever the teacher's boss is called) to ensure that it is in fact the teacher and not the student who is the problem. It could be anything from a personal grudge to a learning disability to a personality clash. If the first, the little sociopath-in-training should be watched, carefully. Good teachers have been brought down by scumbag kids like that. If the second, the child should be tested and the teacher should be made aware of the condition. If the last, the child should be told that the s/he has his/her parents' support, but that half the responsibility lies with him/her to make it work. Whenever I complained of problems with a teacher, I was always reminded that it's a two-way street, like every interpersonal interaction.
Remember: teachers are people too. If you're involved with your child's education in a positive and respectful way (which also means getting involved when things are going well, not just when you have a complaint), they'll be responsive when you perceive a problem.

[CSH]

My daughter has just started Big School. One of the main reasons that I chose her school was because their motto is 'kindness'. I am hoping that this will be demonstrated via parent teacher relations as well as child-child.

[Jean Jones]

Garry - teachers at independent schools are normally paid on exactly the same scales as those at state schools, and more is expected of them in terms of out-of-hours commitments. And Irene, teachers are not "accountable to no-one." There is a hierarchical system in every school which means every teacher is very much accountable to the head teacher, and the HT in turn is accountable either to their governors and local authority or, in the case of an independent school, to the proprietors, whoever they may be. There are very few jobs where an employee is 'accountable to nobody' and teaching is about the last one to fit that description.

[Irene]

What happens when it is the teacher bullying the parent or student? When a teacher calls a child stupid? When a child correts a teachers mis-information and is then reprimanded for trouble making? Absolutely nothing as they're accountable to no-one.

[veronica]

Gary, so you think that paying for your children's education entitles you to treat the teachers of your children like employees? I hate to think what kind of an attitude to life that gives your kids; no respect, no willingness to learn, just "Do as I say!". Ugly and charmless. And how does it help your children to be given a false impression of their abilities? Life will soon teach them the truth (sometimes painfully).

[JM]

While I don't want to start a State vs Independent discussion here, I would love to know what State School the previous entrant is referring to. I have to feel sorry for the teachers at our local (London) State primary when I see the behaviour of the parents at the school gate (never mind the pupils)!! I overheard one Mother tell her child to ignore her teacher because she was a stupid ****.

Which would you choose - supportive but at times over-pushy parent, or one like that. Actually that probably explains why I am not a teacher!

Act

[Mrs A]

Your blog is always interesting and today is no exception. We state school parents treat teachers with the respect they deserve, so this was quite an eye-opener.

[Garry]

If I was paying £4,000 a term too, then I'd want my child's teacher to do what I said. Surely teachers in those kinds of schools get paid more their counterparts in state schools, so they have to take the rough with the smooth.

[JM]

It has become so bad in my son's Prep school, that sports team sheets are sent out at the last possible moment. We have been told by the school that this is to reduce the number of phone calls that come from parents complaining if their son is not in the A-team!!