What's your teen doing on that computer? One mother's story...

New research suggests that today’s teenagers have become so dependent on technology they send more than 30 texts each per day - an average of 10,000 texts per year. Many even refuse to switch off their mobile phones when they sleep, in case they miss an important call!

The research, carried out for social media network site Bebo, also emphasises how more and more teenagers are using social networking as a way to stay in touch: they say that popularity is judged by the number of online friends you have and that this starts in the hundreds. 

It may sound impressively modern, but it's not all good news. All this technology, texting, chat rooms and social networking brings a host of dangers with it. Even to those parents who think they're switched on themselves.

Not enough parents are up to speed with what their children are doing online, but we need to be. At School Gate, I have been talking to one mother, Sian*, whose 15-year-old almost got herself into an awful lot of trouble because of modern technology. She wants to warn other parents to be careful of their teens' plans for the holidays and to ask more questions rather than simply accept what they're told.

Sian has two daughters, Anna and Louisa, aged 15 and 12. Here's her story:

"Both my daughters used MSN/Facebook and other social websites, but they are sensible girls - or so I thought - so I did leave them pretty much to it.

I didn't worry when Anna came home saying that she wanted to go and stay with a friend in half-term. I then got a phonecall from a woman asking me if Anna would like to say with her and her daughter in Kent. I said yes. Anna had told me that it was a friend from school.

But a week before half-term there was a knock at the door, with a special delivery for Anna. When she  hid it away I got suspicious and said I like to see it. She said it was just train tickets – supposedly to Kent, but she wouldn’t let me see them.

As the time approached for Anna to go and stay with her friend, Jane, I wanted to speak to the parents again. But I couldn't get hold of them and Anna couldn't seem to persuade them to ring me. When Anna came off the phone one night, I dialled 1471 and then rang the number, asking to speak to Jane’s parents. I was told that I had the wrong number.

Obviously alarm bells started to ring, and I questioned Anna. She eventually told me that she wasn't going to Kent, but to Newcastle to meet Jane's family. We had a big argument.

Eventually, after begging me "Don’t tell Daddy", she said that she was actually going to Newcastle to stay with somebody called Lee. After some time she gave me his number and I rang to ask if he really thought I was going to let her, a 15-year-old, spend a week with him and his flatmate. He knew how old she was: he'd bought her child train tickets.

I don't think I was very clever, leaving her to go on the computer by herself and I dread to think what might have happened. I feel that she was being "groomed" on the internet, but she feels that he was simply taking notice of her, which is always going to be appealing for a 15-year-old. But as I said to her, these boys could have been anybody and we wouldn’t have had a clue. After all, she said she was going to be in Kent, and she would have been in Newcastle had anything happened.

As parents, we need to have more control over what our children are doing on the internet. We need to be vigilant. I don't allow Anna on the computer very much these days, and I monitor what Louise is doing. We've also only just bought Anna a new mobile - the boy was sending her texts on the old one asking how her parents had found out and saying that he was worried he might be arrested.

I did contact the police, but they didn’t even go and speak to "Lee" to find out what plans he had for my daughter. It's been an awful situation to have been in, and I just wish more parents take notice of what their teenagers are doing."

*names have been changed.

Get more information from the Child information and online protection centre.

Useful tips include:

Knowing what your child is doing online

Keeping the computer in a family room, not a bedroom (this means children are less likely to engage in something inappropriate)

Reminding your kids that you want the best for them - you're not just an interfering old person!

(picture by orangeacid on flickr.com)

Read School Gate on:

Why aren't students being told more about sex?

I was bullied - now I fear for my children

Why do so many bright kids drop out of education?

"Facebook ruined my degree"

Comments

[Jessie]

Jim as your daughter is 15, she can go to any bank she wishes and get a debit card without your knowledge, so she can buy whatever she wants on the internet actually.

[Robert D]

There are so many people I'd like to quote here but I just dont have the time so i'll keep it short.

Spacegold, Give the police a break. They do have to sleep and there isent a unlimited ammount of officers. How about you go and live a month as a officer.

Watching your childrens every move on the computer with monitering software is a ridiculous concept. Just think of how you would feel if all your movements were watched on the computer. And if you think you wouldent mind? Get real. (And give me your IP address)

EVERYBODY lies on a daily basis, and theres is NOTHING anyone will be able to do to stop it.

And I will quote somone here, Quote[Lizzie, New York Dec,18]: nasty piece of work" You CANNOT make that judgement, and it is YOU who is ignorant for attempting too.

Quote: [manbros Dec 18]:"It is very useful writing for parents. Parents must care for their teenagers, especially daughters and keep an eye on all their activities." Children naturaly want independance, You need to give it.

Now i'm not saying give them free reign to do whatever, Just accept that they will naturaly want independace and the best you can do is stop them falling. For example you dont hold your child up, they stand by themselfs. (I know this makes no sense, i'm tired.)

[Daisym]

Dear JM,
If you read the piece, the boy appears to have sent her the ticket, so that sorts that problem out for you.
And as for a girl in Kent. We don't know where this child goes to school, and how wide the catchment is. How quick people are to rush to judgement.

[JM]

While I would never rush to be judgemental about this situation, I am baffled by 2 things:

1.how would a 15 year old have managed to buy a train ticket to Newcastle without her parents' knowledge? Does she have access to a credit card? I have a 15 year old daughter and she has no ability to purchase anything on the Internet.
2. How did the parents think she had a school friend in Kent? Where would she have met this girl? I know all my daughters' friends as they are all associated with her school.

So I agree that the Internet is being blamed for a problem that is far closer to home.

[Spacegold]

Great support from the police. Basically, we aren't interested. Great news for the predators. It takes two to tango, and that little teenybopper barely missed walking into a situation she would almost certainly have regretted for the rest of her life. And the cops are not interested. Wow! Maybe it would be good to make some changes down at the police station.

[Tom Franklin]

If anyone wants to see why this country is in the state it is, with children and teenagers showing nothing but contempt for adults, with them growing into the rude and obnoxious low-medium skilled range workforce, with criminality through the roof and the kind of attitudes and values that leads them to it.... just come and read some comments here. Oh, lying to one's parents is what kids do, don't be hard and judgmental, no be understanding, it's not that bad, I mean what do you expect, parents to actually parent and instill discipline and control their activities, oh no that's far too much like hard work, yes this woman should be applauded for failing to know what her daughter was up to on the internet and takes the attitude to 15 AND 12 YEARS OLD girls "I leave them pretty much to it", whose daughter gets a delivery and when the mother asks to see it is refused by the daughter - let's get this straight, a child refusing and disobeying her parent, the child gets what they want and the parent just rolls over again - and thus producing a 15 year old girl who lies to her to this magnitude. Oh yes, great parenting! I can't imagine at all how she, and all the other children running rings round adults today, ended up like this!

For crying out loud...

[newjerseygirl]

I am absolutely stunned by some of the judgmental comments here, especially those about lying.
Yes, lying is bad, and we shouldn't do it. But we DO. Can anyone really, honestly say, with hand on heart, that they never ever lied to their parents? They never said they would be home by 10pm, knowing they weren't going to leave a party till a little later? They never said they were going to a friend's house when really they were meeting pals at the pub? They never said they were going to an family film at the cinema when they were really sneaking into an 18 certificate? Or as an adult that they have never blamed the traffic/trains for being a few minutes late for work when actually they overslept? Do me a favour.
I was considered a reasonably 'good girl' and even I told the occasional fib ('yes mum, I did go to gym class today', being the most common, when in fact I had feigned a headache to get out of it). I don't think such lies have destroyed the fabric of society (they may be responsible for the spare tyre around my middle, though), they are just one of the things we do growing up to test boundaries.
Of course, this girl's lie to her mother was more serious. She made a mistake, trusting someone she shouldn't and hiding things from her mum, but luckily was caught before things got scary. I'm sure she has learnt from this, and her mother should be praised for passing the warning on, not vilified for her parenting (isn't it sad she is criticised for trusting her daughters too much?)

[James]

Well HOL, this 15 year old girl wasn't naive or foolish when she planned this web of lies to go and spend the night with a man, we know that. It was pre-meditated, deeply malicious against her parent, and disgusting.

Let's see. If she ended up meeting this man, and deciding she wanted to spend a few days away from home with him without telling her parents, and perhaps telling him that she'd let everyone know where she was, no doubt we'd have her parents on TV crying their eyes out appealing for her safe return, we'd have the police out looking everywhere for her, we'd have hundreds of thousands of taxpayer's money spent on the search, and she'd be ignoring all of it.

The parent's will plea "come home, you've done nothing wrong" which is EXACTLY the kind of attitude that brings up self-obsessed teenage brats like this in the first place, she'll appear, they won't discipline her for what she did, they won't punish her, they'll probably reward her and buy her lots of presents and indulge her in her gratifying success of even more attention, and everyone will blame the "nasty man" who like thousands of other boys/men are going out with/having sex with 100% willing 15 year old schoolgirls every week.

Some of you really need to face up to some harsh truths. If you think lying to your parents is just normal, you have got, and are creating, a serious, serious problem.

[Laura Roberts]

Hol: For you to paint lying as normal is a standpoint that ruins our society. I stand by my claim that by holding this standpoint you are dumbing down society, and that lying is poor behaviour.

I can't comment on anything else you have ranted on about in your response re: your intelligence as your contribution to society, as I didn't even touch on these subjects. Whatever attacks you make up in your head, for whatever insecurities you may have, is up to you I'm afraid.

[Laura Roberts]

Hol: For you to paint lying as normal is a standpoint that ruins our society. I stand by my claim that by holding this standpoint you are dumbing down society, and that lying is poor behaviour.

I can't comment on anything else you have ranted on about in your response re: your intelligence as your contribution to society, as I didn't even touch on these subjects. Whatever attacks you make up in your head, for whatever insecurities you may have, is up to you I'm afraid.

[Hol]

James - I don't think anybody here meant that we should treat lying as acceptable (if they did I find that worrying). But it is a reality of life that some people do lie and that children may be more prone to it due to immaturity. Of course we should do everything we can to teach them that it's wrong and be vigilant in ensuring that they don't or that if they do they're adequately disciplined, you're absolutely right there... but accepting that people will make mistakes and trying to view those mistakes in context is not the same as condoning it. While both are wrong and not to be let off the hook, I know I'd handle a child who lied out of naive foolishness differently than one who did so maliciously.

[Hol]

Oh, and as for the idea that I'm poorly behaved and dumbing down our society - I consider that abominably rude and baseless judgment of a complete stranger far poorer behaviour than my rarely anything other than perfectly behaved 16 year old self telling a white lie once in a blue moon. You have no idea who I am, my intelligence or how I behave on a day to day basis. I doubt you've never made mistakes in your life - but at least I'll freely admit to mine.

Disagree with me about a point as much as you like, I welcome other viewpoints to further inform my own and I enjoy debate, but please refrain from assuming you know anything about who I am as a person or what I contribute to society. It's unfounded, unnecessary and insulting.

[Hol]

Laura - that's exactly why I said "most" women and not "all" women. One small word, one big difference.

[Laura Roberts]

POSTED BY: HOL "and occasionally, yes, I told what I thought were harmless lies I'm sure most women could say the same"

You see, that's where you're wrong. No. I would never have dreamt of lying to my parents. If I disagreed, I'd make my point and we'd discuss and even strongly debate it. But lie? Absolutely not.

Just because poor behaviour may be familiar to you, or increasingly common in society, doesn't make it right you know. You're dumbing down our society.

[C. Walker]

Your small mindedness is why so many sex offenders go free. How are your comments different from 'she was wearing a short skirt. Therefore, she deserved it'?

POSTED BY: JEN CAMBRIDGE | DECEMBER 18, 2008 AT 07:33 AM

I'm afraid it's you Jen who have the small mind. This 15 year old girl voluntarily contacted a man, voluntarily asked to meet up with him, voluntarily bought the ticket and arranged it, voluntarily set up the alibi to deceive her parents, voluntarily chose to lie to her mother, voluntarily went to spend a night at a flat.

Yes, the law says that she must be 16. To talk about "grooming", just because she's a few months under this limit is bizarre. She knew exactly what she was doing. Her berhaviour was disrespectful to her parents, dangerous to herself, and hardly admirable. But then that's the kind of girl her parents have brought up. Do you think she'll be punished for this by them? Of course not. She'll be molly coddled as if it's all the computer's fault, or the man she was meeting up with, or the police for not talking to her, or society etc etc. Bad parenting.

[James]

I find some comments here shocking. "Children lie, accept it."

For god's sake people, children should not be lying to their parents! Look at the state of this country, the kind of brats we're bringing up, is it any wonder when people like you just think it's perfectly normal for children to lie, for this spoiled selfish brat to lie to her parents, pack her bags and go and spend a night with a strange man?

LYING IS NOT NORMAL. It's WRONG. Have British parents ever heard of that word: WRONG? Know how to teach your children what is right and wrong do you? Do you give a damn?

[starling]

1. Install Firefox.

2. Install the Glubble add-on.

[Phil Berry]

This is complete overreaction by people who somehow think they know more than they do. To monitor someone's complete computer use is hardly the way to build trust with them is it?

As a 17 year old my mum tends to ask me whats safe and what isn't on the internet, purely because I have grown up with more technology than my parents. And if teenagers are intelligent they'll know what's good for them and what isn't. A well raised kid will be able to protect themselves without interference from the internet. If unlimited access on the internet for a few years and being a straight A student and healthy friendships makes be a bad person then so be it.

I think the real lesson for parents to give children is to be an example themselves, trust the child a bit, and maybe they'll trust you, and make sure they know, if it's too good to be true, it's not true!

However make sure you aren't completely ignorant, for instance the average age gamer is 20-something, and yet parents seem to think all videogames are for children, and are then horrified when it involves killing prostitutes! So have some trust with their use of technology, but don't willingly buy them 18-rated games!

[Hol]

Lord, some of these comments are unbelievably judgmental. I was a teenage girl once - I wasn't badly behaved or some promiscuous little slapper with no respect for her parents but I was naive and occasionally, yes, I told what I thought were harmless lies if I thought a parent would unreasonably ban me from doing something. I thought I was being careful enough, now with age I understand their view. I'm sure most women could say the same; I don't know many people who are above reproach as older and wiser adults let alone that were perfect angels as children.

There's no reason for anybody to assume this girl intended to have sex and no reason to assume that Sian is a negligent mother. Sometimes children just aren't very sensible, it's the nature of being a child that you're immature and prone to that despite good intentions. Parents need to keep a close and watchful eye but you can't be over their shoulders every second of the day - at some point, you will just have to trust them.

Many adults aren't as careful as they think they are with personal info online, so it's not surprising that less experienced teens might lack enough caution. It doesn't mean they've been badly parented or they're delinquents. My sister - very well behaved and my great pride in life - is a big fan of such sites. As she was uploading photos my mum and I had to tell her to nix a few that identified her school. Similarly we wouldn't let her take her first trip to the city unchaperoned with a friend as she wanted to; instead I took her and taught her how to get around safely. She understands now but at the time she put up some fuss - not because she was being badly behaved or stupid, just a bit naive. We all were, once, it's the way of the world.

Thank you for sharing, Sian - if your tale makes even one person more vigilant with their children's web surfing it's worth sharing.

[CRS]

I know this is totally off topic but:

"New research suggests that today’s teenagers have become so dependent on technology"... "Many even refuse to switch off their mobile phones when they sleep, in case they miss an important call!"

What a stupid thing to say, do you unplug your landline before you go to bed?

[KenS]

The story above perfectly encapulates the main reason parents need to monitor their child's activity online. True the Internet isn't the safest place for kids, and it seems to encourage stupidity at a new level... but it can be safe, as long as you – as a parent – are there to watch what they do and teach them how to be safe. By teaching kids early how to be a Responsible CyberCitizen (www.responsiblecybercitizen.com), there is a better chance of them staying safe through their teen years and beyond. And by monitoring their online activity with parental control monitoring software like PC Pandora (www.pcpandora.com) you will know if they are safe, and will have records of their activity to start a conversation on their actions.

[jonquil]

hmm--the police didn't follow up on the complaint? a minor child being encouraged by an unknown male to meet? that isn't expecting the world to look out for her daughter. that is looking into the possibility of a sexual predator on the loose. just yesterday, a man was arrested in texas for abuse after the child he was abusing wrote a letter to 'santa'. i don't question parenting skills in this example, but lax police investigation.

[delphine verhaehe]

let me tell you what my brother did when he was 15-16 ish in the early 1990's(pre facebook and everybody has a mobile)he said to our parents that he was going to sleep with a friend for the weekend but in reality he went to a party in a city on the other side of the country with some 20 year old 'friends'.
My point, teenagers LIE,always have. but expecting the worse all the time and not trusting them is very damaging to your relationship with your child.

[Rafaella]

You can't blame the parents. I'm 18 and my relationship with my mother is pretty up and down- I lie to her an awful lot about things I know she won't want to hear. We do it, perversely, to protect our parents from things we think we can handle, and know that they don't agree. We're wrong, of course, but that's what growing up is. We can only hope for outcomes like the one in this story.

And it's not fair to condemn the daughter outright. So she didn't act sensibly- she's 15. My vice is lying about work, hers is lying about the internet. Not the right thing to do, but not deserving of some of the comments on here.

[Bill]

The Americans have a solution to the problem of insolent teens. It's called boot camp.

[Kim]

I really dislike the judgemental, sanctimonious tone of some of these comments, but it's what I have come to expect. There's no more fun game than sitting in judgement on someone else's parenting, is there?

The truth is that, however good we are as parents, we can't mould our children to the way we'd like them to be. Children have personalities all of their own, and as we get older we don't always realise how fast they're changing. Sian thought she could trust her children, and that probably seemed fair to her - based on past experience, she probably could. It's easy to forget that teenagers just aren't as sensible as we think they ought to be.

I think Sian reacted appropriately, and knows what to watch out for in future. To people being so terribly smug, I'd say - wait till it happens to you.

[Thomas Knowles]

Given that the majority of the last post was directed at comments made by myself, I shall respond accordingly.

There is no real connection to be drawn between a young girl who didn't think something through properly, and thus almost placed hereself in dire danger and some thug 'lager lout,' as you so aptly put it. I agree with you that her mother and/or father should have been more aware of not only what she was doing, but of the kind of thought processes she goes through, and I'm damned sure they should know her well enough to know when she's lying.

This is NOT the same as the building of sadistic immoral youth who can't tell the difference between teasing someone and setting them on fire. Ignorance and idiocy are not the same thing.

I do not propose that her parent(s) should leave her unpunished, but after proper consideration there is no doubting that from a purley psycho-analytical standpoint the factors I pointed to do make a difference.

[manbros]

It is very useful writing for parents. Parents must care for their teenagers, especially daughters and keep an eye on all their activities.

[Dad of Three]

My wife and I raised 3 daughters to their 20`s in this Internet age.
We werent oppressive or nosey, we discussed the many dangers and pitfalls of online community socialising, and placed their computer in a brightly lit kitchen that had someone walking by most of the time.
Teenage girls will tell lies, they will "sneak" a bottle of cider now and again, and despite my own protestations that my girls were "Total angels", I know they werent.
But .... at 15, this girl spun a web of lies, conducted an online relationship with a "man" she hardly knew, and was prepared to travel to meet him in total secrecy.
Why? do you think they planned on learning needlepoint together? maybe go to bible classes?

For all those prepared to make the limp-wristed liberal excuses about peer pressure , cultural oppression, and natural youthful curiosity?
This is the very example of a laissez faire attitude that is creating a generation of thug teen boys, drunken pregnant under 15 lager ladettes, and an army of pasty faced, slump-shouldered parents who are about as well equipped in parenting, as their teen children are in common sense.

[Thomas Knowles]

Something I missed off my earlier post, to those critics of this woman's parenting, who are you to judge.

There are some truly fantastic parents in this world who nonetheless cannot control their children due to their exposure to situations outside of the control of the parents. Peer pressure and sheer curiosity are powerful things, that even the most successful parent would have their hands full trying t second guess.

Lizze, kindly climb down from upon your high horse. You cannot carry across your exemplar anecdote to all teenagers, not least because the cultural environment you were in is different to that of this girl. It is very normal for teens to want to keep certain things private for a time at least, and it's a gross assumption to stretch what may merely be naivety to encompass sexual deviance.

[rick]

I was terrified by my daughter and her choices..
She met her White Knight online..
Despite all my fears and concerns.....
The most marvellous of men..
My Son in Law.
Father of my Grandchildren..
What a guy!
I am so proud of them...

[Thomas Knowles]

What is wrong with you people?

If a child is incapable of the though process which says "No, that's dangerous," then you don't give them free reign on the internet, but as a 16 year old male whose been on chatrooms and forums for about four years, I can tell you that you have to be blindingly stupid to not realise that conversation in a chatroom is sexual, indeed, it is safer in adult chatrooms than many so-called 'teen' chat rooms if you want to avoid sleazy conversation.

To jump the gun and conclude that THE INTERNET IS BAD AND WILL RAPE YOUR CHILDREN is so overreached you can't see it past the horizon.

[Jen Cambridge]

Lizzie New York. I am extremely concerned by your post. You think that from a second hand story that you can tell that a 15 year old is a 'nasty piece of work' and that she must be sexually active.

Your reaction seems to suggest that you do not believe that innocent children can be groomed and only 'good girls' can look after themselves on the internet. You seem to be implying that if anything had happened to her it wouldn't have mattered because she would have deserved it.

Your small mindedness is why so many sex offenders go free. How are your comments different from 'she was wearing a short skirt. Therefore, she deserved it'?

[Lizzie, New York]

The girl is a nasty piece of work, and stupid/ignorant to boot. I was in chatrooms at 15 and never contemplated going to meet anyone without telling my parents, being accompanied by an adult I knew and trusted, and being in a public place! If they refused any of these conditions they were obviously a perv and to be blocked.

If the girl will go and stay with a strange boy in another town she's obviously sexually active (what does she do with the ones she knows???). And if she'll lie so thoroughly about her whereabouts then she'll lie about anything. Her parents need to frogmarch her to the clinic for all the tests, educate her on contraception, and insist on meeting all future boyfriends after a reasonable period. If she refuses they should take away her phone, pocket money and any other privileges until she learns. There is not much time left to save her; once she is 18 there will be nothing they can do.

But really this is all too late. A correctly-raised girl or boy will volunteer info about who they date. I and my siblings always told our parents, they never had to ask, because they spent years forging a relationship whereby we actually wanted their opinion and were excited to share with them. This story is an example of very bad parenting (by both parents) getting an OK result - being meddlesome paid off but it is utterly inadequate next to being involved from the start. It's a last-minute goalie-style dive to save when 15 years of proper play would have ensured the ball never gets that far down the field.

[Zipfy]

Take a look at 2 excellent tools at www.spectorsoft.com

They let you monitor what the children are typing in chatrooms, email, IM etc. and what websites they have visited. eBlaster actually emails you with the results, which is good if you are at work.

Children will lie, I know I did sometimes, when pushing the boundaries. Problem is today the world is a much smaller and more dangerous place and we can't watch them all the time. Good luck

[Rita]

Thank you Sian for your honesty. My children are grown now but I always did check where they were going and I know that like any other teenager they could be tempted by the excitable and rebellious. The arrival of technology has complicated the transitional years from puberty to adulthood. Fortunately nothing like your experience happened to them. I praise you on being a good parent and checking on your child. And I am sure your daughter has learnt a valuable lesson also. I hope the sharing of your experience will help others A lazy parent or bad parenting? Absolutely not.

[Lee]

A good warning to all parents no matter how good their parenting skills. I don't know about you Laura but I lied to my parents to do things i knew they wouldn't like!! I would perhaps be a little less preachy about it and consider that kids do do things that they shouldn't, the access they have now to so many people creates more potential for what Sian and her daughters went through. We need to teach children how to use these tools safely and to watch for "grooming" and the like.

[bluesunflower]

I m sory for the mother but her statement that the police have not spoken to Lee shows how lazy her parenting is. She cannot expect the world to look out for her daughter she needs to look out for her daughter

[Laura Roberts]

This has very little to do with the computer and much more to do with bad parenting.

What kind of upbringing and values does this child have to lie to her mother, to deceive her parents like this? To not care at all about the worry she deals by her actions? This 15 year old girl was fully willing to do all this, and go and spend a weekend in a boy/man's flat, completely out of free choice.

That is the child this woman has. Accept responsibility for raising offspring with no respect for their parents.

[Linda L]

Sian, thank you for the warnings. I too leave my son and daughter at the computer to do pretty much what they want, even though I know I should take more interest. I will make sure I do so from now on.