Tom Daley, bullying and another 14 year old who is suffering...

Olympic diving star Tom Daley has been kept off school because he's been bullied. Daley has been threatened and teased by other pupils, largely, I would guess, because of jealousy.

"After the Olympics it went mad," said the 14 year old, whose father said that the bullying had got "out of hand." 

"Everyone that you walk past has a little dig at you."

Daley's story shows that no one is immune to bullying. Champion boxer Joe Calzaghe recently admitted that he'd been bullied at school too.

Bullying is a hugely emotional issue, and one of which I am very much aware, having written on it often on School Gate. The causes are often jealousy, or picking on someone who shows any kind of weakness, or difference. This may be something as simple as being taller or smaller than other children, or having red hair or freckles. Sometimes it's because a child is not quite as advanced as other children. Or, in Daley's case, because they are better at something.

I recently spoke to one mum, Maureen, who told me the awful story of her daughter, who was bullied so much she refused to go to school. Maureen and her husband were then threatened with court action for keeping their 14 year old at home. Here is her story:

"Kiri started nursery when she was four. Many of the children had already started there, and she was a bit of an outsider, even at that age. There was already a clique, and as an older mum (I have three much older daughters), it was quite difficult. I kept myself to myself and felt a certain amount of blame for it.

Kiri then began at a little local school, but unfortunately, because she was a slow learner, she was kept back a few months, and didn't begin in Reception properly until December. Once again friends had formed and she was left out. She was given a desk on her own, next to the teacher, which also made her feel like an outsider. She just didn't make good friends.

Kiri's birthday was in July and the other children did come to her party, but she wasn't happy. There were two small children who were bullies and they began to pick on her. But it was sorted out and all calmed down - for a while.

But when Kiri was eight, she was beaten up badly by these same two children. She ended up on crutches. We thought we should deal with it properly, but I think we made a mistake. We got the police involved, they went round to the kids' houses and it all snowballed. Kiri was accused by one of the children's brothers of "ruining her life." It was horrible. 

Our house was egged several times, and after that we moved Kiri to a local school, on our doorstep. The Headteacher told us "we don't tolerate bullying here. Your daughter will feel safe." We felt confident, but we were wrong.

When Kiri started at this school the following September, one of the boys who had bullied her started on the same day. She was teased the minute she walked into the playground. One girl held her to the ground. Another kicked her in the head.

We received a letter of apology, but the girl involved was let off. I feel sick about what happened to Kiri, as in her eyes, we were doing nothing, but that's not true. We were trying to help her, but nothing was working - even when, another time, she was scarred and had to go to hospital.The girl involved was warned, but not expelled.

The bullying has continued over the years, and Kiri is now 14. We have taken her out of school and have since received a letter saying that we will be taken to court, because of her non-attendance at school. Yet this isn't something I would have chosen to do. It's hard work educating her at home, as we can't afford tutors and aren't getting any help from anyone. I can't help feeling that the threats to us are a load of rubbish - why are they chasing after us rather than sorting the bullies out?

When you get a down-and-out bully, that person should be expelled, not just suspended for a few days. The school told Kiri that she had a "safe space", but that meant more segregation for her. She was separated from the other children, but she hadn't done anything wrong. She should have been allowed to mix. The way they handled it, she felt she was in the wrong.

I feel that Kiri's been failed by the government and by the education system. The only good thing I can say is that our relationship is now better. She was a nightmare when she was going through all this at school. Now we get on absolutely brilliantly.

We live in a small place, and Kiri doesn't have many friends. She's too scared to go out in the centre of town to meet anybody, and I also feel angry and fearful when she goes out. She won't go to college, and I hope she can get on in life without exams, but I know it'll be hard. I have to say that I really am angry about how she's been treated."

For information and advice about bullying, contact Beatbullying

Read School Gate:

I was bullied, now I fear for my children

Bullying because of religious faith

What to do if your child hates school

Tips for beating bullying.

Comments

[A Modern Mother]

That's an awful story about Kiri. Not sure what the answer is.

[Whimsey]

Grimly, this sounds like more of the 'blame the victim because it's so much easier than tackling the villains' policy that dogs the UK now.

We do seem to be so utterly spineless when it comes to 'bad people', whether it's nasty little kids (with nasty big parents - because where else do bullies come from?), or out and out adult criminals.

[Nicky]

I used to go to the school Tom goes (went?) to, and I'm not surprised they haven't done anything. I was bullied there for years, and nothing was ever done to help me, apart from put me in a room on my own to study for 2 weeks. The trouble is, often the bullies are the "sports stars" who play for school teams, and Eggbuckland CC is more interested in looking after these people than the other students who are less talented.

(Although it does surprise me that in this case they aren't doing more for their "sports star").

[MC]

I help to run a residential youth summer camp, which has an extremely effective policy for dealing with bullying.

When the bullying is discovered, the bully must sit down with the leaders, it is explained to them that 'it has come to our attention that you and abc don't get on very well...' With the victim, we draw up a contract that the bully must adhere to. And if they don't, they go home. Simple.

Why can't schools do this?

[Whimsey]

Why can't schools do this?

****

Bluntly, because it would take time, effort, money and, worst of all, the government make it INCREDIBLY hard to suspend children, let alone expel them, as they simply want the schools to cope - the schools get dumped with the responsibility, but are not given the power to deal with bullies and bad behaviour.

I agree with the 'sports stars' analysis - in the end, schools that care more about their damn A teams dont' worry too much about what their 'alpha-thugs' are getting up to in the playground. I'd take a bet that most 'sports stars' (girls or boys) are the least popular with the rest of the pupils. Even if they are not physical thugs, they become 'spoilt brats' all too easily. (Not saying they all do by any means, but it's very easy for them to become so.)

[barbara]

There is an ethos in many schools that bullying, head lice etc. do not happen here. My husband was a primary head and when bullying occurred told the parents in no uncertain terms that THEIR child was a bully. He said if no one tells them they can't help to re-educate their child. In his school it was the bullies who ended up with no friends unless they changed THEIR behaviour.

[Jen]

It really is a disgrace that we can't deal more effectively with bullies. Seems to me that its part of the "children should not be criticised" ethos at the moment. If we don't tackle it, they will never change their behaviour (or be given the chance to)and will continue to display this attitude in adulthood. Meanwhile, the victim is left with their self-esteem and confidence in tatters- possible also into adulthood without the right help and support. We've got it all wrong.

I think we've become so pre-occupied with our "rights" we've forgotten that with these rights come responsibilities. If children behave in an unacceptable manner (e.g. bullying) then they should face the consequences of those actions. Continually misbehaving should have severe consequences.
I was recently told by a teacher friend of a colleague (male) who had been accused by a 14 year old girl, who was one of his pupils, of sexual harrassment/molestation. He was suspended (which was right) while the matter was investigated. It soon turned out that this was a lie she made up to get back at him for disciplining her for not handing in home work! She returned to school as normal (no suspension, detention or anything)- and to his class. So despite deliberately trying to ruin his career and have him arrested for criminal acts, leaving his reputation tarnished, this pupil is let off scot-free. The reason- she has a difficult home-life. Apparantly this sirt of thing is not uncommon. I think something similar happens with bullies- theres always an excuse as to why we must help the bully, and pay lip-service to helping the victim. I'm sure there are many reasons why children act out, bully etc, and these should be addressed and the child helped if possible, but not at the expense of helping the victim. and the bully must be made to realise their behaviour is wrong, otherwise they will not change their behaviour. After all, why should they? There are no consequences of any significance.

Parents also need to be involved, and take responsibilty for their role in disciplining their children and teaching them right from wrong- its not down to the school to do it all. In fact, the school can do very little to change behaviour if the parents don't back them up.

[SurreyLady]

Laziness in the extreme or denial on the college's part. Although they are to print a story about Tom on their website.
These buulies are cowardly jealous types who aspire to wearing Primark goods.

[opiniononeverything]

I feel so sorry for Kiri as I was also bullied and constantly excluded by others in my early teens. The one thing that really helped me was having a hobby that I needed to travel out of the local area for. No one knew me there or knew anyone from my school and I was free to form friendships based around a shared interest. School was still rubbish, but I lived for the weekends and had friends I could count on (even if they did live 20 minutes away). Developing these friendships and consequently my social skills had a positive impact on my school life, as I became more confident and so less of a victim. Any kind of hobby that encourages social interaction and builds confidence will help a bullied child. Ironically, it would probably help the bully a great deal as well.

[battymum]

Reading Kiri's story (and Tom's too)makes me feel sick to the stomach. I am appalled that a variety of schools have taken such a laissez-faire approach. I can't imagine how isolated and helpless her parents must feel. However I am also horrified by the attitude of the parents of the bullies, if I was told my son (12) had hurt anyone, let alone scarred them his life would not be worth living. I regard myself as something of a liberal when it comes to my son, fortunately he's relatively well behaved, but he is well aware that I will not tolerate cruelty or rudeness to anyone/thing. How can we have reached a state where othere peoples happiness and sense of worth/safety can mean so little, truly heartbreaking.

[Jos]

Bullying is awful, and unfortunately it starts really, really early. My 8-year-old daughter is routinely targeted by two boys in her class because she's just that bit different (taller than average, does maths in year 4 rather than year 3, and so on). Her class teacher does what she can, but teachers are allowed to do so very little. With schools penalised for permanent exclusions what chance to normal, well-bahved children have of getting an education? Fortunately my daughter is a strong character and is coping well so far - it helps that she has a strong peer group of friends - but I foresee this continuing throughout her school career.

[Whimsey]

"However I am also horrified by the attitude of the parents of the bullies, if I was told my son (12) had hurt anyone, let alone scarred them his life would not be worth living"

But that's exactly why your son is not a bully! Because you would be horrified if he were! I doubt that is the response of the parents of bullies. Usually it's denial I suspect. Then 'justification' - as in 'Oh, kids all sort it out betwee themselves/it's only a bit of a laugh/the other kid shouldn'be so weedy and sensitive/it will teach the other kid to stand up for himself' etc etc etc.

Yes, there are, I am sure, genuine 'head case' children who have sufferent appalling trauma in their home lives, who then 'export' the violence and bullying they receive at home. They need not condoning, but expert handling. Again, that takes time and money.

[jonquil]

when bullying involves physcial action, they it's time to file a police complaint. perhaps even time to speak to an attorney (civil as well as criminal) as (in the u.s.) a parent is legally responsible for the actions of a minor child (whether it's vandalism or an assault). my primary concern is with my child, if another's actions are a detriment to her, then it's time the bully's parents understood the full consequences of their inactions.

[Oliver Chettle]

I don't think "jealousy" is an accurate diagnosis of this incident. Rather it is an illustration of a society in which a hatred of excellence has been cultivated by large sections of society, including many in positions of power and influence all the way to the top, i.e. the current PM, for thirty or forty years. The bullies don't want to be excellent (though I suppose they would like what they would see as the perks of "celebrity") because they believe excellence has no right to exist.

The bullies are responding to the "anti-elitist" preaching of their elders, who have spent decades trying to achieve equality by levelling everyone down, with disastrous consequences for the country and most of its individual citizens, especially those from the lower social classes.

[Hannah]

I was a successful athlete when I was at school, although not anywhere close to Tom's standard and I was bullied because of it. Before I became successful I was not bullied but the further I got in sport and the more the teachers announced my wins in assembly the worse it got. I'm a woman and the boys were the worst. I think this was because as a sportswoman I was encroching on their territory of sports and was unlikely to be impressed by their school rugby wins like the other girls when I was competing at a world level. It didn't really get to me as I could see that they were just insecure, small-minded and jealous. It didn't affect my academic results. I did have fewer friends at school but this was off-set by the friends I made doing sport who were and are still my closest friends as we shared our passion for sport and achievement. Tom is better off out of there.

[battymum]

Thanks Whimsey nice to think may be getting something right re the whole parenting malarkey!!!
Surrey Lady I'm confused by your reference to the bullies 'aspiring to wear Primark goods'. Surely you don't believe that all bullies are working class (I'm presuming that's what your reference meant). I too live in Surrey, and friends of mine send their daughter to perhaps one of the most prestigious Surrey private schools where bullying is endemic and ignored. Bullying is one of the few things that seems unaffected by class.

[Whimsey]

Bullying is one of the few things that seems unaffected by class.
******

Definitely!

[Andrew MacFarlane]

Agree with Oliver Chettle on this one. It's a result of the lower, and indeed sometimes upper, classes in society having issues with those who excel in things; academic or otherwise. The 'Don't get ideas above your station' complex that Britain has an ugly history with.

[Sandy]

As one who was bullied, one who bears lifetime scars from it, and one who now works to help bullied children, I feel the following should be done:

1- Parents and schools must be held legally accountable for the actions of their minor children.
2- Bullies must be identified, sanctioned, and offered counselling to help them identify the cause of their urge to bully.
3- Sanctions for bullying should become part of the bully's permanent educational record, to be seen and considered when applying for university or a job.
4- Children should be taught from their first day in school that being identified and sanctioned as a bully is something that will follow them all their lives.
5- Schools found to have failed to provide adequate protection to bullied children should have to bear the entire cost of educating those children by home tutoring or whatever other means are necessary for the child's physical and emotional protection. They should also have to bear the entire cost of counselling for the bullied child until the child reaches his or her majority.

Only by imposing the real cost of bullying on the bully and the school that permits the bully's actions will we stop this scourge. Here in the U.S., we have recently had two eleven-year-old boys commit suicide by hanging themselves, due to bullying that was not stopped by their schools. These were two separate deaths, in different states. I myself must still cope with post-traumatic stress disorder, forty years after school. Bullying is a scourge that should not occur among decent people, and yet it is epidemic. If there is anything a child is owed by society, it is the ability to grow and learn in an environment free of taunts, violence, sexual molestation and social ostracism based in some "difference" over which the child has no control.

[Sandy]

I also want to say to parents of bullied children:

The bullying that your child is experiencing is in NO WAY your child's fault. The fact that your child is gay, black, Muslim, exceptionally bright or accomplished, or has some physical trait, is the bully's problem, not your child's.

If your child is being bullied, please do not have "the talk" with him or her - by "the talk," I mean the one where a well-intentioned parent tells the bullied child that if he or she would act differently, or hide or downplay some difference, that all will be well. One, such tactics never work; the child who attempts to "change" only signals his fear to bullies all the more. Two, these talks teach the child that not even his parents believe that he or she is okay just as is - an absolutely dreadful message to give anyone.

Again I say: go after the bully, not your own child. No civilised person bullies. Period. It is an exaction of living in a free society that we all learn to tolerate differences, at least in our external behaviour. Even in cases where we have strong religious or other qualms about the differences of others, we do not have the right to lash out at them physically or cause them emotional harm. Ever.

[David]

Maureen and her husband are negligent in not calling the police in, they were failing to protect their daughter.
Schools should NOT be allowed to deal with bullying, they are useless.

[battymum]

Thanks for the advice Sandy. My son has been lucky so far and hasn't experienced any more than mild playground spats which have resolved themselves within a few minutes, however I am aware that that could change at any point. Think your advice re 'the talk' is especially good I could imagine myself panicking and making that error. Should the unthinkable happen I will try and bear it in mind.

[Oliver Chettle]

David the police are also useless at protecting decent people nowadays. If you haven't noticed that, you have been luckier than a lot of law abiding people who used to have faith in the police. The way this country is going, there is no way I would involve ANY state agency in my children's lives, if I could possibly avoid it.

[Maureen fuller]

My husband and i have at no time been negligent the police were called several times. The problem is the police are not given back up to prosecute. If the children have no prior they are given warnings.The last time Kiri was attacked the police wanted the girl to go to court but she was given a final warning. All Kiri had done was get off a bus and she was attacked and scarred next to her eye she was taken into hospital by ambulance
The excuse from the attacker was she had been on cider all day and had a bad day.this girl was 14.

[Whimsey]

Sandy - fantastic posts, thank you. Shame you're in America, not here, but that doesn't mean your advice can't be followed.

I feel for Maureen and her frutrated rage at the impotence of the police and other authorities, including the school, to tackle the bully head on, by whatever means necessary (and that the poor girl - the bully - is a head case, is no excuse for leaving her to continue!).

In the end, the governemetn don't back schools to tackle bullying, because that costs money - so, I fear, the only way to 'force' that to happen is, indeed, for the parents of the bullied children to take legal action and make it MORE expensive for the schools/government to compensate the victim thant it is to stop the bullying in the first place.

Another point about not doing 'the talk' to the bullied child. EVEN IF, that particular child manages, thereby, to deter the bully, the bully, balked of that prey, will just move on to the next person, and so the problem will not have been solved at all, merely transferred.

One trouble also is that we are simply 'too polite' as parents. I have sat in class coffee mornings with the mum of a child who was, shall we say, one of the ones that everyone else would have much preferred NOT to be in the class, and we all smiled and chatted and laughed and no one ever mentioned the fact that all the other children would have loved her child not to be in the class.....

[Jen]

I agree with a lot of what has been said here. Sandy i think your ideas are good- but I don't think any politician over here would have the guts to implement anything even remotely similar, so I imagine that we will remain impotent when it comes to dealing with bullying effectively. I can imagine the outcry from the PC brigade when it came to keeping any bullying sanctions on their record and mentioning it on references for job/uni etc- they wouldn't like the idea of a child never being able to have a 2nd chance. However, it may concentrate the minds of the bully's parents- i think many would be much more interested in sorting their child out it if it hit them financially, or when it came to their child's future prospects. Making schools more accountable would also be a good start.
There are currently no sanctions that actually deter a child from bullying. But you have to wonder why the bully's parents aren't doing more- I have a little girl and I would be horrified and livid if, in the future (she's only 1), she bullied another child. I would do everything in my power to stop her doing it, as should any responsible parent.

[Sandy]

To those who have responded to my comments:

I do not mean that sanctions should be dreadful for a first or perhaps even a second offence of bullying. In the early stages of a bully's career, sanctions can be as light as a written caution to be signed and returned by parents. Your ASBO system in Britain (which I wish to Heaven we had here) could also be used for this purpose. Once a child is older, and such lighter sanctions are on his educational record, it can easily be seen that the offence was a childish one, and that if no further sanctions occured, that the one-time bully saw the error of his or her ways.

But we have come too far in political correctness when ineffectual actions by schools tell bullies, in effect, that what they're doing is okay. It is not. When a bully has been sanctioned lightly, and offered counselling to find out the root cause of his behaviour (bullies have deap-seated issues of personal adequacy, trust me), and nothing changes, then it's time to bring out the big guns.

Parents should be informed that their child is bullying, and that they will share in responsibility for any damage done. The school should make it abundantly clear that the bully will have information added to his or her educational record that will follow them for life. And the bullied child should be assured, at every level, that he is not to blame for the antisocial behaviour inflicted on him.

Bullies are most seriously ill, and should certainly be offered chances to change, and treatment that will help them accomplish that goal. But if bullies don't avail themselves of those options, then I say we must make it clear that their behaviour is unacceptable, by whatever means necessary.

Bullies don't stop bullying, ever. How many of you have been bullied by some horrid middle manager, with your job and career hanging in the balance? Same people as the schoolyard bunch, just a bit older - at least, on the outside.

[Sandy]

Oh, and one more postscript:

American politicians are just as dreadful and ineffectual as yours in the U.K. There's something about the profession that attracts the gormless, I think...

[Sherlock]

I have to say I agree with Oliver Chettle's comment. What really annoys me is the fact that people seem so quick to belittle others' talent or intelligence. I'm not surprised by the fact that Tom's school is doing nothing about it- that seems to be par for the course these days.

QUOTE: The bullies don't want to be excellent (though I suppose they would like what they would see as the perks of "celebrity") because they believe excellence has no right to exist.

It wouldn't surprise me if that were the case, given the sort of people that appear on Big Brother! It seems to be a case of "I'm not excellent, so I don't want anyone else to be either". Pathetic.

[Annelies]

Kiri, if you have followed the procedure to deregister your daughter from school (which I think is just a letter to the head of the school asking for her to be removed from the register) then you are entitled to home educate and cannot be prosecuted. You can only be taken to court for non-attendance if she is still registered at school. This could take one of your worries away from you! Look up Home Education on the internet - there is tons of useful information and support out there.

[R Veinn]

The trouble with the answers, with the post and with education system in this country is ignorance of psychological theories of child development, and an approach which tends to favour punishment and control as the "only language in town". If every school had a properly trained qualified child psychologist among its staff this whole society might have been transformed. Until this utopia happens parents need to do anything to empower their children. In the situation described above, and in a country where anti elitist policies mean state schools may be bad news (academically or socially) private schooling may be the answer. If that is not possible, the family should move to a place where a better state school can be found. And if selling and buying property is a problem, they could consider renting or house swap. Adults can acclimatise to a new place better than children suffering what kiri had to go through. The family needs to act fast, and not to conduct social experiment on the back of their child. I would also make sure the child is getting psychological help to see her through what she's already been through.
Our daughter was bullied for being gifted, we moved her from our village school to a school in a town 20 miles away and we drive her twice a day. It took her one year to recover from the signs of her bullying that included loss of confidence, being edgy, suspicious, withdrawn, dreading certain subjects (like sports - where she was bullied most)and not a happy child. She is now a happy secure confident daring teenager. We would not have forgiven ourselves if we have let her down.

[Fran]

As a School Counsellor in Vancouver,BC, I regularly worked with whole classes where teachers were concerned about bullying.I taught the children skills of inclusion,assertiveness and protection. They learned what motivated bullies and how to take that motivation away by isolating bullying behaviour,but being inclusive towards vulnerable children. After a few weeks they were proud of their abilities to take care of one another and create harmonious classrooms.This is not difficult to do but would require a position like school counselling in British schools. I've attempted to speak to schools about this but they say they already know how to deal with it.

[john davies]

Have you considered enrolling Kiri in martial arts classes? A good class is a great leveller and bullies are very rapidly shown that their behaviour is not tolerated. It gives children a great deal of confidence.

[Tim]

David, if you consider that the police would be of any use, you are living in a different age. Our daughter was bullied and the only solution was to change area and school.

[Julia Jervis]

Don't be too ready to leap to conclusions. My son along with his entire class were accused of bullying for objecting to a girl with learning & behavioural difficulties who routinely spat and threw objects at them. A friend of my other son liked to claim (falsely) he was bullied because he of the attention he then received

[Maddie]

I am 34 years old, was bullied mercilessly at senior school. A class photo was recently posted on Facebook, I asked why I was laughing so hard my eyes were shut.

X - Shes grinning because i found her g spot!
M - Considering you made my life a living hell at school, unlikely
X - Living hell? we were kids then and if it was so bad you should of changed tutors, nice to see we are all full of happy memorys lol....... ah theres always one!

So even 20 years later, it is still my fault!! Despite asking to be moved, despite my parents visiting the school asking me to be moved - the school did NOTHING!

[Maureen]

Kiri has been helped with her confidence by her diary being printed in a newspaper last November. A lot of the locals read the article and were amazed at what she had been through. We live on the Isle of Wight so being in a small place it is hard for Kiri to distance herself from the kids she has problems with. We did deregister Kiri from school and she is now home tutored, you get no help financially for this so it is hard on parents to take this approach. I am angry that she has had such a sad childhood, it should have been fun hopefully her teenage years will be better when we move to the mainland and Kiri will be able to attend a college.Thank You to all that have posted comments Kiri has found some to be quite helpful.

[Dave K]

send her to a karate class and tell her to stick up for herself against bullies. if she doesnt stick up for herself and have confidence in herself then other children will always sense her weakness and bully her for it. hate to advocate retaliation but sometimes its the only thing people understand

[Tim]

I have to say I was bullied, many years ago now, for being clever. I was lucky enough to be able to rise above it - my attitude was always that "I'm cleverer than you, so in the long term I'll win" It was miserable from time to time - but becuase of my attitude, the bullies gave up. Perhaps I was very lucky. Who knows? I also think that in those days (the 70's), physical violence was much less tolerated than it is now, the miscreant WOULD get punished - so in some ways we have gone backwards.

[Peter]

There is this strange idea in Britain that somehow the law of the land does not apply to educational institutions. Sorry, but it does!
If one person assaults another, then they can be subject to a citizen's arrest. This applies to anyone, teacher or pupil. A few hours in a cell and an appearance at the local magistrates' court will concentrate the mind of those who like to bully.

[Jennifer]

I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that bullying is not always harmful, and in some cases may be beneficial. I went to a girls' school and girls can be so nasty. I was bullied constantly for approximately two years by three girls, who were jealous because I was, what they considered to be, a swot. The experience taught me to stand up for myself - I was intelligent but I quickly worked out that I was being targetted as I was seen as vulnerable. It's an experience that toughened me up, and I'm a much stronger person because of it. I also, perhaps wrongly, have very little tolerance for others who are bullied, as I feel the best thing to do is to live your life successfully and show yourself, and others, what you're worth.

[emma]

Bullying is awful and stays with you for a lifetime. I was bullied when i moved schools when i was 9/10 years old, i remember being picked on between the ages of 9-12, those were the awful schools days. It was a mix of the boys and the girls who picked on me, i was so shy after leaving all my old friends from my old village and moving into a town where i knew no one. I remember the girls throwing bits of paper at me, and the boys calling me a swat and a teachers pet (those same lovely people are on my facebook friends list - i told one she left me out and made me feel sad and she couldnt even remember doing this - guess i was a very sensitive and shy girl back then)
I now think i was picked on either because the girls were jealous, same for the boys, and also that i was shy and didnt really say boo to a goose. I remember at the time hating it, and it did continue onto my next school slightly, although it wasnt as bad. Thankfully those days are over. I was lucky that the kids were never agressive or violent with me, i cant imagine what poor Kiri went through with those evil children. I'm 32 now and completely super confident, and happy with myself. I have tons of friends (something i didnt have alot of back then) and im happy with my looks (im fairly pretty ) and it goes to show you these things do make you stronger and you will come out the end a much more confident person. I do have times where i wonder if my friends are joking with me or eing nasty, but its only for a few seconds of doubt, all my friends are lovely, so im glad those hideous school days are beind me.

[Malcolm McLean]

My parents ran out of money. I was taken from a private fee-paying school and sent to an inner-city comprehensive.

Within a couple of days, another boy grabbed my lunchbox. I went in close, and ripped at his neck, putting red scratch marks all the way from his cheek to his shoulder. It wasn't the only attempted bullying, there were three or four more incidents. But within a couple of weeks it became established that I would always fight back, and I was just a normal boy.

Resistance is the key. If the bullies have more than one victim, form alliances. If there are more than them than they are of you, single one out. Bullies are cowards, the cliche is true. However it is sometimes a bit harder to expose that than traditional moralists imply.

You don't have to be larger than the bully to successfully fight back. The goal is not to win, but impose sufficient costs to deter future attacks.

[fortuzero]

Bullies need to be nipped in the bud. If you let someone step on you once they will do it again and again. The first time someone tries to pick on you or hurt you in any serious way you need to hurt them, badly, first time. Or be a victim. Predators can sense prey. It's how the world works, in case you hadn't noticed.

Then again maybe the advice is futile to some, who are too weak to stand their ground. Just because it is sad and unpleasant doesn't make it any less true.

[Irving]

My daughter (7 years old at the time) once stood up to the class bully. The whole class was fed up with this bully and chose to stand with my daughter as she faced down the bully.

Like any bully, if presented with enough force, they will back down.

[emm]

Children get it into their heads that certain people don't deserve kindness or even common courtesy. Part of this behavior seems to be innate, but much more of it is learned. These attitudes are everywhere.

I watched Susan Boyle on YouTube, and I saw the expressions on the faces of people in the audience before she started to sing. That same childish, small-minded meanness was there. Those people hadn't changed a bit. They were undoubtedly horrible children at one time.

So, do we tolerate this kind of idiocy and cruelty, or do we confront it at every opportunity? It will only go away if a critical mass of people says no.

[James]

I was bullied at school to the point of having my arm broken by them.. we complained the school did nothing.. I left early to get a job, never got any qualifications and have had to struggle all my life..

[Stephen]

When do we start making parents responsible for their children, if they can't control them who can? Put the parents in court and fine them heavily for their child's behaviour - if that doesn't work take their bullying child off them. That'll teach them.

[Paula]

My son was bullied and physically attacked at his school. We moved him to a school with a zero bullying tolerance policy. He was bullied at this school too, but children responsible were suspended and in one case expelled. It made a huge difference that the school took responsibility for investigating incidents of bullying. My son did not feel 100% safe, but he knew someone was listening. He is now in 5th year medicine. Bullying is a community issue. We have to take responsibility.

[Akash]

I am a 16 year old, rugby playing boy so I am not a likely target for bullies. However, when i was aged 4, I was a victim to physical bullying on a daily basis. However, after one such incident, my best friend grabbed one of the bully's toy cars and threw it as hard as he could at his head. Needless to say, if you stand up to bullies, they will back down. It seems shocking that schools do nothing about bullying, even when it is reported.

[Iain]

I was bullied at secondary school until i left at 17 to go to University. It did leave it's mark on me and even now i find it hard to fully trust people.

However, i am now 34 and have a successful career as an Army Officer. I do not tolerate bullying of any kind. I know how hard it can be to be on the recieving end.

I occasionally see some of the bullies when i visit my home town; they have done nothing with their lives and are bitter and blame others for their lack of success in life. This gives me no pleasure but on the other hand, i do not feel sorry for them.

It is down to parents and teachers to stop bullying in schools, it can really scar children.

[Derek Clifton]

Poor Daley....perhaps his mummy should sit with him in school, ready to wipe his nose if it runs or his arse when he goes to the loo.
When I was at Eton boys like Daley were enlised as 'fags' and would get a clip round the ear if they were late bringing in a cup of tea in the morning....bring back Tom Browns Schooldays!

[Cathy]

Gosh, Derek - I thought Eton was famed for turning out gentlemen! Did your parents manage to get their money back? ;)

[EmmaLK]

I have Asperger syndrome (high-functioning autism which means I find social situations very difficult and reading peoples body language and reacting 'normally' impossible) and was bullied, physically, at every school I went to from the age of three to the age of sixteen. My mother complained to the various schools as often as she could but was told that I lacked in confidence and should just stand up for myself, which is impossible for someone with Asperger's unless someone takes the time to show them how. Needless to say, the schools said that it wasn't their problem. Mum wasn't able to help me so I had to resort to hiding during break and lunch. Now I am eighteen and have not been bullied for two years. Although I am now happy, I have no confidence around new people. Children tend to bully because they can sense that someone is different or because they too are unhappy, but that is not much of an excuse to make someone's life a misery.

[Dave]

Why do people, even otherwise sensible journalists, insist of legitimising this behaviour by calling it "bullying" - with all the associations that it's just something minor, boys will be boys and so on - when most of the cases listed here are violent criminal assaults?

If an adult held another adult down while they were kicked, that person, and the one doing the kicking, would be arrested and imprisoned, and rightly so. Nobody would talk about suspension or disciplinary action, it would be a case for police and courts.

So why not call it what it is and treat it for what it is?

[Maureen]

Well done Dave you are quite right we phoned the police every time Kiri had a problem but it comes down to these kids being minors and the police can do nothing except dish out warnings, God help us when some of them become adults.

[Ricardo]

Typical Britain - the bully gets away with it, the authorities harass and hunt the innocent. What a hateful and spineless country this is.

[Ashleigh Lewin]

I go to Eggbuckland Community College andI have seen no bullying of the sort. He has got the school in alot of deep water about the bullying and maybe if he went to teacher while it was minor bullying staff could have put a stop to it. I see this claim to the newspaper pathetic.

[Zoya Street]

Whenever the topic of home education comes up people always claim that we need to send our kids to school to socialise them. I agree that socialisation is important and Home Education is unrealistic for most people. But what exactly are schools doing to teach our kids good social behaviour?

Schools are like some sort of cruel psychological experiment - lock hundreds of kids up together in a building for eight hours a day, five days a week, for over ten years, and see what happens. This is obviously going to be a stressful situation and it's no wonder people turn into bullies.

Social skills do not come about naturally as a result of exposure. I had to teach myself how to form friendships and cope with conflict, because my school never taught me how. Unfortunately by the time I did learn these things it was too late and I had already gone through my entire school career being an outsider and a victim of bullying.

Schools need to start to have a serious policy on methodically educating young people on how to live with each other peacefully and happily. Imagine how our whole society will benefit.

[Russ]

I was bullied a number of times in school. It took its toll on my opinion of myself. The school's did absolutely nothing to control the bullying activities of some of the students.

Knowing how I feel about my treatment in those early school days, had I known how to do it, I would have killed those bullys and it would have been declared all my fault. The schools do not pay enough attention to this problem, usually claiming they do not have enough money to hire supervision to monitor playground activities. To that, I say B.S. Any one kid will only be at a school for a little while and then they are gone and so is that particular problem.

[Whimsey]

Ashleigh - each year group at a school can vary hugely in its overall 'personality' and so some years can have a bunch of vicous thugs/headcases/bitches in it, and some years be almost completely free of that! Ask any parent with children in different years, and I vouch they will back me up. Of course, a school can, overall, have a very strong anti-bully culture, stamping on the 'bad year groups' (or at a smaller level, 'bad classes') and some can be spineless and negligent.

Also, there is the issue of perception. After all, those who downplay bullying will judge a 'bullying event' in a different way from those who highlight bullying. Plus those on the receiving end regard bullying differently from those doling it out!

However, it is always difficult to generalise, as in the end it comes down to individuals. For all we know, for example, Tom Daley may be an obnoxious, cocky little prat, boasting about how brilliant he is, and everyone is just dying to take him down a peg or two, etc.

[Whimsey]

Sorry - should have added that of course one hopes that TD is an exemplary character and a really nice kid.

[Cathy]

Whimsey: so true. I once went up to the school (local comp) - very unwillingly - because Eldest was unhappy and clearly being bullied by a couple of girls. The form tutor was marvellous and sorted things out the following day. E never had any idea I'd intervened. However ... the two girls in question are now two of her closest friends (both reading medicine at E's university) and she'd be the first to acknowledge that she was teased, not bullied. She was over-sensitive or perhaps they were under-sensitive. My point being that a child who feels that s/he's being bullied should be listened to sympathetically, the school should be consulted and things should, in the first instance, be approached open-mindedly and with respect for all involved.

[Laura]

I was bullied right through high school, and it still affects me now. I'm 26 and left school 10 years ago, went to 6th form college instead because I couldn't stand the idea of another 2 years of it. My parents stepped in a number of times, but were just told that I should stand up for myself more, which I found a joke given that I was short and weighed next to nothing! Even now I find it difficult to talk to people I don't know well and can be quite shy. If someone had told us at the time it would still be affecting me this far in the future, both me and my parents would definitely have made a bigger deal about it.

[Lori Scott]

I never believed that putting a bunch of say 7 year olds in a room with other 7 year olds to do 7 year old activities represents socialization. If this is supposed to be a benefit of schooling children, it is a furphy. The school environment has a lot to answer for in the children that are being formed within their walls.

[Jax]

If you have deregistered Kiri ie removed her from the school roll, you should not be being chased by anyone for non attendance. There are many home education groups and organisations who can offer support while you home educate and there are groups you can go to so that neither you nor Kiri feel so isolated. Try looking up Education Otherwise or Home Education Advisory Service or AHEd in google and take it from there.

[Inken]

I was bullied in boarding school from day one till about a year before I graduated. I'll admit I never stood up for myself and cried a lot which didn't exactly win me any friends BUT when I tried to talk to my parents about how unhappy I was, they refused to believe me! Said I was making it up in order to leave the school and I was just going to have to tough it out. NONE of the teachers ever paid attention and the boarding mistresses we had were totally clueless or couldn't have cared less. At the beginning of each term I would spend the trip back to school throwing up and in hysterics, terrified of what would happen this time. 20 years later I can barely think about it without feeling that sickening fear all over again. I've even refused to talk about it in therapy as I managed to bury it so successfully.

I'm ecstatic when parents do support their bullied child and do everything to help them and enraged when nothing is done. Two boys at a nearby school to mine hanged themselves due to bullying and several girls I knew developed eating disorders including severe anorexia. They were expelled. There needs to be some kind of national policy or regulation that protects our children, instead of punishing them for something entirely out of their control!

[Ankur Roy Chowdhury]

I went to school in India and always dreamt of Bunter's Greyfrairs and still have a soft spot for the idyllic school days. However, personal experiences as well as those of friends who have been to English-style boarding schools and day schools here have convinced me of the inherent cruelty children have. Far from being angelic, children have the potential for horrific evil in all forms. Newspapers in India and abroad are filled with stories of their misdeeds some of which end on deaths. In America they end in shooting sprees. Children stoning animals and birds are a common sight in the street.
While I believe that the home environment is greatly responsible for the personality and psychological development of minors, I feel the problem of violent behaviour has to be tackled head on and immediately. Everyone is involved, as these youngsters grow up to be heartless adults, and we have enough evidence of the misery that brings about. Parents, teachers, school administrators, counsellors, have to act together. We cannot ruin young lives by subjecting them to mindless terrorism in the hands of other youngsters who turn bullies. And everyone who is complicit in this: by turning a blind eye - is equally guilty. Adults who are not seen acting against these inequities set a deplorable example.
I cannot think of my school days without negative feelings. This is not the start in life we want for our children.

[May]

I have nothing but utter sympathy for Kiri and only feel really sorry for her that her ordeal has lasted so long. Imagine spending most of your year (apart from school holidays) waking up with dread knowing that you have to face these awful people - it makes it virtually impossible to concentrate on learning and playing sports when you keep having to look over your shoulder. I don't think her parents overreacted by getting the police involved if the school didn't do anything - why not? A physical threat (she ended up on crutches!) is the same whether or not the perpetrator is 8 or 38. The fact that the home was egged shows that these people are scum.

I hope Kiri and her parents have been able to move to a new area and succeeded in making new friends with good families. Look up the home education websites and addresses - they can help get the local authority off your back about leaving school. Also try the Citizens Advice Bureau for info. And get Kiri enrolled in clubs for music, dance or drama locally so that she can continue to make friends. And try to get to know the kids' parents - that often helps you know more about the kids she is mixing with. Good luck!

[jansara]

Dear Whimsey,

"For all we know tom Daley might be an obnoxious cocky little prat"

Any person, child or adult, who has achieved sporting excellence like Tom Daley, has worked hard to get there, puttng in hours of dedicated training outside of school and normal work hours. They know that if they relax for one minute another competitor will put in the work and win the title. Tom knows this and in this respect would never be cocky.

In addition I would say that there are always competitors out there who will try to bully or intimidate talented winners. Tom will have experienced this unpleasant part of competitive sport and will not be a stranger to anti-social behaviour aimed specifically at him in the world of diving. So he is definitely not a wimp - wimps do not get to the top in competitive sport.

No - these school bullies are just jealous,no hopers with no future...

[alice]

I am 32 and i was bullied at school for years and years, changing schools didn't help - i just didn't 'get' all the million and one stupid 'rules' which others seemed to get. I was told not to act like a victim, having been bullied at college, university and having left work after years of abuse from a fellow worked i am pretty certain it was those early days which stole my confidence. Children are horrible, i hope that i can one day secure a safe and secure environment in which my children can learn.

[Cathy]

Alice (and others): children are not all horrible - but you do need to seek out the nicer ones, as they are often the quietest. May I recommend a book? My 13-year-old is currently reading it and has aleady lent it to one friend. It's 'The Highly Sensitive Person' by Elaine Aron. She (and I, and most of my family, all victims of bullying at one time or other) has found it very encouraging, though it doesn't address directly how to tackle bullies, I'm afraid.

[Rebecca]

Derek- how charming. What a pity not all students are able to mock and belittle achievement in quite the same way.

Still, they appear to be finding their very own methods of encouraging mediocrity so perhaps you shouldn't worry too much.

I wonder if Eton's as proud of you as you are of it.

[Caroline]

I'm at sixth form at the moment, and I think anyone who attempts to downplay the effects of bullying of any kind is being ignorant of how being put in a situation which makes you feel uncomfortable can make a person feel worthless, whether that involves physical bullying or not.

I'm a fairly confident person, so thankfully the behaviour of some people at school hasn't affected me too much. I feel that the whole experience of school forces bullying to happen-it's so cliquey! I can't think of a solution to the problem, though.

[oneopinionatedmother]

@ cathy well said!

@whimsey - agreed. (the later poster should notice she tempered her earlier post)

personally, i'm having difficulty reconciing my feelings about school - my eldest can now look at an early years place for socialisation reasons - but i am reluctant as I only remember bad things about my first school. In fact i developed a stutter there due to the other kids mimicing my voice.

good action on the part of my next school made a world of difference for me though - a good school can protect the child that is a natural target for bullies. That policy has to come from the Head though - at the previous school the Heads' lax policy resulted in bullies going scot free.

[Viv Steadman]

Bullying is almost impossible to prevent, unless there is a change in attitude. For, while there is still the mentality for some people to feel that they should be superior to others, there will be bullies. Or, there will always be bullies if someone is looking for a weaker person than themselves to bolster their own self-esteem.

Unless we are going to supervise children at all times, there will always be bullying in some form - emotional, physical, whatever!

Unfortunately, I have no idea what can be done about it.

[Malcolm McLean]

You can't expect children to suddenly stop being bullies. Nor can you as a parent realistically have much influence on the school's culture. Some places, like Derek's school (never insult a waiter, Derek, didn't they tell you that?) tolerate bullying as a matter of policy, some try to stamp it out.

What you can do is make sure that your child is not damaged by the experience of being bullied. Firstly, never say "just ignore them". This works in adult life, a schoolchild can't do that successfully because he can't insulate himself from contact with the bully. Secondly, encourage them to talk about it, to you and, volubly, to schoolfriends (but not to tell tales to teacher). Almost everyone is bullied at some stage; it shouldn't be a matter for shame, and if everybody knows, teachers will soon get to hear of it.

The best defence is to have some friends. It is a rare school indeed where only one child is the victim of bullying. Normally the bully or bullies will have several targets, so the child needs to identify them and make alliances.

Finally the bullies aren't usually the most popular people in the school. The really popular children don't need to bully.

[siv]

School is not, and never has been, a safe environment for children. It is a toxic place to be for the most part, and only the most vicious survive. I would urge all parents to home educate. It produces happy and more well balanced children who don't think their life depends on the latest brand of shoes. If adults had to put up with the kind of thing that goes on in schools, there would be an outcry.

[OKJKO]

Bullying continues in later life! Here in Austria it is known as "mobbing". You get bullied from colleagues and bosses. It has just made me unemployed!!!

[Holly Rowe]

I think that it is mean !! People are obviously jealous of his great achievment, i think if he came to our school he would be fully appreciated !Luv youu
Keep on swimming !!!
x x x x x x x x x

[kelley martin]

I think you should just try and ignore them as they are probably only jealous of you and can't stand the fact you have done something good in your life ! Cya in london xx x x x x xxx x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x x

[Robert]

Shocking. The non-judgemental attitudes of many educationalists means that most of these bullies can now enjoy torturing their peers with complete impunity. I'd consider bringing some kind of civil case against the establishments involved.

[Todd]

Wow, I'm shocked to read this! I would think he'd be a hero at his school, not an object of ridicule. How terrible--I hope that he can get some proper home-schooling or go to school abroad or whatever. I can see by Ashleigh Lewin's comment though that there's definitely a bit of a problem there. Best wishes to Tom and his family.

[Whimsey]

"I would think he'd be a hero at his school, not an object of ridicule."

Well, it depends, doesn't it. We know nothing about this boy except he's very good at diving.

Now, if a child is very good at something, exceptionally so, that doesn't necessarily preclude him or her being an unpleasant piece of work (this is NOTHING to do with the boy in question, about whom, as I say, I know nothing except that he's a great diver).

In other words, you evaluate people on character, not achievement - if the achievement is a reflection and result of good character, then fantastic. But if, say, achievement is only because a person has ruthlessly ridden roughshod over others, been vain and boastful about their achievements, lorded it over their fellow pupils, considers themselves God's gift to humanity, etc etc etc, then why on earth should one respect them?

Just because someone is a high achiever doesn't mean they are nice people. They MAY be nice people, and in which case, lovely, but they might not, in which case not so lovely. We can praise them for having worked hard to get where they are through their own effort and determination, but still deplore their other less attractive features (if they have them, that is).

We should NEVER 'worship achievement' per se, let alone achievements like sporting prowess, without puttin that in the far more important context of the content of their character.

[David]

I suggest Tom emigrates when he's old enough. Brits can't cope with the idea of someone being good at something.

[Clive Burke]

School is a form of mass child abuse. If a factory farm manager allowed animals removed from the family group to abuse each other in captivity, he'd be locked up, yet we allow it to happen to our kids! Clive 45years old and still damaged from school.

[Thommy]

The system is to blame for bullying. A friend of mine had to move out of his own flat and he continued paying his mortgage whilst being bullied by some eastern european family with noise and door slaming the council did nothing and the poor guy was told to sell his flat (And he was told he had to tell the new buyers why he was selling i.e. noise). Am sure if he was to go to eastern europe and make someone's life hell they would run him out of town before you could say split. However everyone is being groomed in how to become a sissy that people from other countries just see the law and us for being tight lipped as pushovers. Kids are told to rspect others and behave however you have all the bullies who just continue bullying and we cannot do a thing for fear of having a creminal record, how do you actuallly use reasonable force what a sick joke. Welcome to sissy land.

[Dan]

I'm 41. I was bullied. My kids are homeschooled.

They're happier now than I ever was in school. The closest thing they have to bullying is each other. (They're twins, so, alas-for-them, they'll be seeing a lot of each other "in class.")

The best protection for all children is to minimize their exposure to schools, and open the doors to other oppoortunties (sport, scouting, gymnastics, whatever).

Keep in mind that it's not uncommon to have nothing to do with high-school classmates after leaving school. In parts of the US, that's the 'norm.' So, separating from high-school classmates is by no means a "social challenge."

[emma]

Ok my view point: Teachers are absolutely useless in these situations. They themselves also sometimes encourage bullies and side with them in ways that range from subtle encouragement to express consent.

Do not tolerate bullying behaviour from children, or teachers who are lazy and ignore situtaions.

MY ADVICE: - If your child comes home bruised/ marked you should report this tio the police. This is the only solution. Dont be scatred to do so, this is your right. Physical violence is not tolerated in civil society in the UK, and children being violent to children is now a sad reality (Bulger murder / recent story of two 12 year olds beating two 10 year old s with a brick (on a charge of attempted murder). Child- to- child violence is a groewing concern and does not have to end in an extreme offence as murder for it to be addressed by the police. If your chils has been punched - take them to the police station, engage a solicitor and pursue the matter. (Talk to a solicitor or your citizens advice bureau or a free solicitor, the police will take you seriously and not bat you off). Take control as an upright citizen. Do not leave your child with memories of you not having done anythingf / or of being helpless.It is the only way of getting schools to face up to their responsibility and take physical violence seriously. It also providesd an independent and official record of goings - on. The school will be forced to address the situtaion. The bully will have a criminal record.

Some bullying is not alway physical - social / psychological. This is far more difficult to deal with. Teach your child resilience and confiedence through sport / hobbies/ tell them you love them and that they are good kids --- move them from a particular class, or from the school and start afresh with a new attictude.

These are my thoughts, some suggestions I wish my parents had done for me. I am now a lawyer so I know what im talking about when i say report any physiocal violence to the police.

[Katypyee]

This story made me cry! I do hope Kiri is getting the help she now needs. I have a daughter 19 months old and would hate this to happen to her when she starts school. I was bullied at school and had to move high schools so I do know what it is like. I really thought schools had moved on with regards to the way they deal with bullying but it seems that is not the case! Very worrying.

[thatpip]

I was bullied at my first High School and the School did nothing. We were always 'encouraged' to speak up about bullying but what is the point exactly when nothing is done, no one is suspended and the bullies walk away scott free.

One older girl made my life a living hell when I was a very sensitive 11 year old, endless nasty comments getting the other children to join in, making threats etc. I sometimes think psychological bullying is worse as it is difficult to prove. I went to the headmaster in floods of tears and told him what had been going on and instead of taking action against this bully he made her head girl! Unbelievable! It completely shattered my confidence and I lost all faith in the education system. In the end I had to change schools as it got worse and no matter how many times bullies were reported to teachers no action was ever taken. What amuses me most is that these people now try and add you as 'friends' on Facebook! The cheek of it, I had to move to a different school and have been permanently affected because of them, I find it so difficult to trust people and cannot cope in large groups. When are schools going to do something about bullying? People's lives and confidence can be ruined because many teachers will simply not get involved and will turn a blind eye even when it is going on in the classroom. I hope that Kiri can find happiness after having such a horrible ordeal and I wish her well.

[kiri.]

my name is kiri and i am the 14yr old girl in this story thank you too some of you for the comments some of them did help me. i have done counselling but still find it hard to trust people i still dont have many friends but that doesnt get me down. i have slowly getting my confidence back and going out places and always up for meeting new people i just find it scary to get on buses and go to the middle of the island where that is the only place you can shop and do things like the cinema. at the end of the day the girls can smack me about all they like but i will still be here standing strong with my head held high. they do not effect me anymore. it was just the way they be-littled me and took my confidence away. but im here and nothing they can do about it im not going to fight back but i will not run away. just take things step by step.

[Laesia]

I feel very sorry for Kuri. I am 14 years old also and as i was reading this story i was saying to myself : i wish Kuri went to my school i'd be her friend & make her feel welcome. And stick up for her if anyone messed with her. I was bullied back in the 5th grade & i used to go to the nurse and make up reasons why i needed to go home. My mom found out i was lying and in the end i ended up fighting with the girl who bullied me. After the altercation she decided to make friends with me and no we're okay. I guess after you show them you're not afraid it goes away.

But my condolences go out to you Kuri.

[Daisy]

My heart goes out to Kiri and Tom. I was bullied mercilessly (physically and psychologically) from age 11. (I was tall and different.) The teachers were just as bad and I soon learnt that telling your parents/anyone in authority you were being bullied was a bad idea. My parents insisted I stayed on at school until age 18, but after that I got out of the education system and went out to work instead. It was fantastic. I made lots of friends and met my wonderful husband. (I eventually went back into the education system at a lovely new University (where they were so accepting of everyone) and gained a degree.) I now work for an employer who is a household name and am liked and respected by my colleagues. However, I am never going to have any children because I will not put them through what I went through at school. UK society tolerates bullying and tells you to "stand up for yourself" - when I did that, I got my head kicked in. The current message that "bullies have problems too" is wrong. Bullies are deeply unpleasant people who need to learn to behave in a civil manner. They should not be provided with excuses for their behaviour. And all the TV shows that promote it (The Apprentice, talent shows, The Weakest Link) should be taken off the air. Bullying should be taken seriously -it is not a fact of life. It damages children. I completely agree about having a hobby outside of school - it gives you much needed confidence and a chance to meet people who are pleasant. Good luck to Kiri and Tom.

[Robert]

Wow, Derek. Here I was thinking that the vindictive, facecious, snobby 'eton boy' was a stereotype- clearly they do exist after all.
Yours is exactly the attitude everyone posting comments is talking about. At least it shows that private school isn't the solution to bullying.
Yes, some bullies have family problems, but in the private sector this is rarely the case. Private schools are largely fascist and elitist, and if you dare to prefer character over achievement then you basically aren't going to have an easy ride. Therefore the school will advise you politely to leave
if you 'don't fit in with' (i.e are picked on by) other students.
It's quite similar to Stalin's 'no person, no problem' policy. All they care about is the school, not the kids themselves.

[Dectora]

Dan: you are making your own history normative. I was not bullied at my (private) school. Nor did I know any child who was. I made the closest friendship of my life there, which would not have happened had I been educated at home.
Kiri has all my sympathy: her mother should make life hell for the Head Teacher. I would. Indeed I would go as far as a friend did who found that her son was being bullied at his small rural school; she confronted the bully in the playground and told him that he would have her to deal with if the bullying continued. He slunk away. The bullying stopped.

[Rachel N]

Bullying is one of the few things that seems unaffected by class.
******

Definitely!

********

I would argue that. I went to a private school in the UK while my parents were overseas because my parents wanted me to get a UK education. I was made very aware by the other students that my parents wouldn't normally be able to send me there(dad's company paid for my tuition as part of his contract)and myself and some other kids ended up making a small group that were continously bullied because we weren't considered of the same class as the rest of the school!

[Catherine]

My son was bullied at school which resulted in HIM being moved from one set to another, the consequence being the bullies got off scott-free and he was unable to pursue the GCSE course he wanted. He was very depressed for a long time and feels cheated and ultimately let down. I feel responsible and helpless but schools(despite their rhetoric) could not care less about you and your child - all they are interested in is league tables and looking good in the press.

[Em]

This is a disgrace. A child has been repeatedly assaulted and systemically targeted, and the perpetrators of these crimes are allowed to remain in the classroom. How would this have been treated had it occurred in the workplace, rather than at school?

[paul]

i was bullied from 11 yrs of age. I hid, ran and did anything to escape. I told my Dad and he told me to sort it out. At 13 i turned around and chinned the guy. He got his brother on me! But, soon after it stopped. not always a solution i know, but definately better than going to police.
My advice for Kiri's parents is to definately send her to college. Its a much more mature relaxed place.
Good luck