Governmentium

This is a copy of an e-mail which is doing the rounds. It was sent to us by Nigel Walsh, deputy editor of Career. It is sure to resonate with anyone who has worked in government or a bureaucratic corporation. 

"Research in South Africa has led to the discovery of the heaviest element yet known to science.

The new element, Governmentium (Gv), has one neutron, 25 assistant neutrons, 88 deputy neutrons, and 198 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312.

These 312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons...

Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert; however, it can be detected, because it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact. A minute amount of Governmentium can cause a reaction that would normally take less than a second to take from four days to four years to complete...

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 5 years; it does not decay, but instead undergoes a reorganisation in which a portion of the assistant neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places.

In fact, Governmentium's mass will actually increase over time, since each reorganisation will cause more morons to become neutrons, forming isodopes. This characteristic of moron promotion leads some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical level of concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as critical morass.

When catalysed with money, Governmentium becomes Administratium, an element that radiates just as much energy as Governmentium since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons."

Sadly we couldn't find a picture of Governmentium. But we did find a picture of Carbon Dioxide aka hot air. This picture comes from the delightfully named www.treehugger.com

Comments

[bk]

Good stuff: hilarious!

[J. J. Drautman]

Still quite amusing, but a bit surprising to see it appear without attribution to previous sources.

The last time I saw this the new element was called Adminstratium, and it had been found in universities. Its properties and characteristic behavior were identical.

That source was the quarterly magazine of Alpha Chi Sigma, a professional fraternity for chemists and chemical engineers in the US. I can't remember the date. It appeared years ago. This recent rediscovery was likely delayed by a healthy dose of administratium.

[Carol Lewis]

Thanks for the post JJ. I've attributed my source but I admit I don't know the identity of the discoverer of Governmentium. If anyone out there does, please let us know, and we will give them the credit they deserve.

[N G]

Very witty.

[figurewizard]

With an atomic weight of 312 this is potentially an extremely unstable element. It actually exists in a parallel universe and can only manifest itself in ours whenever a cataclysmic event creates a sufficiently large hole in the fabric of our space to allow it to do so, which it then fills. This is known as a Northern Rock event.

[Alex]

This was posted at least in 1999, at http://agora.rdrop.com/~jimka/element.html

[Martin Raish]

The discovery of Administratium was reported in the late 1980s or early 1990s and published in the Journal of Irreproducible Results. The article was written by Thomas G. Kyle of Los Alamos, New Mexico.