Please don't be my Valentine

What could be worse than falling madly in love with the oddly hairy guy in accounts who Carly kindly introduced in advice about office romances? Even the vague possibility that the bunch of drooping red roses and unsigned card that plays "Wild Thing" (Hallmark's bestseller, or so I read in Fast Company this month) is from said Hirsute in accounts. Perhaps he's watching you over the top of his computer screen, right now?

Oh, the horror of unsolicited attention at work. Struggling home on the bus with a vast bouquet is exhausting but dropping the unwanted gift into the nearest bin seems such a waste. What about all the air miles that your flowers have racked up?

But not everyone shares my run-a-mile-and-keep-on-running attitude to Valentine's Day. In some companies, my friends tell me, it's celebrated as just another part of the "who's for table-football as we brainstorm?" culture of office life. But what if you don't want to play? 

Today's festival of love can be used to score cheap points and lead to cubicle rage according to Dr Andrew Kuczmierczyk, a clinical psychologist at City University London. "So many people want to receive cards and flowers in order to demonstrate to the outside world that they are attractive and desirable," he says. "This can lead to an uncomfortable sense of competition in the workplace as people compare what and how much they have received."

Your reaction to colleagues' cards and flowers will depend on your personality profile type, he says. So which one of the following are you?

If you're hiding away from the coo-ing masses and sulkily clicking through a spreadsheet because "hey, this is just like any other day, right?" you're probably a loser, I mean, the loner. The good news is that this gives you the excuse to treat yourself to a meal out or a box of chocolates just for you, Kuczmierczyk says. Like I said, the loser.

Then there's the show-off whose screeching cry is easily identifiable. "I have so many admirers," he or she trills over a forest of cardboard and flowers. Be careful not to offend others whose plumage attracts less attention, Kuczmierczyk says.

The competitor is my personal favourite. A colleague also has three Valentine's Day cards so you go out and buy yourself a fourth. Luckily you're thick-skinned and won't notice that everyone already hates you.

Mr or Mrs Nice Guy is also known as the giver according to Kuczmierczyk. The giver can't help being generous with their time, cards, choccies, anything that expresses the way he or she feels about that someone special. Ick...

But while we are on the subject, I'd like to take a moment to say a big thank you to my colleagues for all those lovely cards.