The Apprentice: week 1

I have never met Sir Alan or any of his apprentices. Indeed, I've never had much of a desire to watch The Apprentice; I love an ambitious hero as much as the next Macbeth fan but reality show shoutiness is as irritating as nylon knickers. Surely if these people were truly enterprising they'd go and start their own businesses rather than strutting around in front of the cameras boasting about their business ability.

Anyway, I now have a professional interest in the show (ie my boss asked me to watch it), so I am sitting here on Wednesday night with my laptop and only the occasional wistful glance at the football scores so that you can enjoy my real-time review. Or you could just add your own reasons for wanting to slap every single person associated with the show to the comments section. It's up to you.

1. What's with Sir Alan's weird intonations? How can he emphasise that many words in any one sentence?

2. My first smile of the day: the girls (why aren't they women? sheesh) upsetting a couple of people, one of whom is in a wheelchair. Nice PR for your team, ladies. Or Alpha or whatever you called yourselves. Also impressed that you were trying to sell fish by asking people what they usually paid for it. Naturally there are enough canny customers that they're selling below wholesale price.

3. For a second I thought the boys (men) were going to do much better on the prices than the chicks - what with doing a bit of research rather than inviting offers - but then they managed to price their lobsters at £4.90 and entirely renewed my faith in cynicism. This was also helped by the man with the sticky-up hair starting sentences with the phrase "as the team leader I want to say..."

4. 22 minutes in and we have individuals beginning to make excuses about why everything's going a bit wobbly with the margins. Ooh, and the chaps are actually starting to refer to each other as individuals. As in "some individuals are being really sh*t but I have to deal with this because I am the team leader" (not an exact quote, although I can of course confirm that he is the team leader).

5. Fabulous negotiation by the solicitors buying the leftover fish. Didn't give an inch. if I ever get divorced I'm hiring them. Even if they're tax lawyers.

6. I suppose that the rift in the men's team about hair-boy's leadership and/or who has had a proper education is meant to add excitement and tension but it's all so obviously set up to make good telly that it's just irritating. It's the BBC equivalent of sticking someone with Tourette's into the Big Brother house.

7. Now Sir Alan will do some more talking.

8. At first I thought the over-hyping music was the most annoying thing about the going into the boardroom bit.Then all the men started talking their way through the utterly meaningless post-failure blamestorm. Where a business decision matters, finding out why it worked (or didn't) also matters. But this is just telly - no one is losing anything real. It's not their money, their livelihood; they've risked nothing more than embarrassment.

9. Score one in the positive column: Big Al just told one of the boys off for talking in business cliches instead of giving actual answers. More people should follow that advice.

My final impression? I really enjoy talking to businesspeople and entrepreneurs. I am genuinely interested in finding out about what goes on behind the scenes in real companies. But this doesn't feel real.

(Picture of Nicholas De Lacy Brown from BBC The Apprentice website)

Read what The Times reviewer wrote about last night's show

Comments

[Matt Jones]

Good analysis. On the whole, I was unimpressed. Both teams look very weak and there is a lack of candidates coming to the fore to manage. It _looks_ like there are a couple but they're absent when it comes down to putting themselves forward. Prime example? Raef.

My thoughts - http://www.matthew-jones.net/?p=28

[Yorkielass]

It'll take a couple of weeks to get going - and it is a TV programme - so some of them will be edited to make them villains!

Still it's the best thing on the TV - the footy was dreadful - roll on the shopping channel selling experience - the best episode on just about every series so far!

[Andrew]

I was funny to see the barrister get fired.

It's a common misconception that the more MBAs, PHDs etc you have, the more 'successful' you will be. It's guts resilence and picking yourself up after being knocked down that defines a persons character.

I hope that chap learnt it!

[John]

I am so glad that the barrister got fired. He was so arrogant, considering a B gcse a failure. The apprentice is a good show, and of course they are going to edit things to make it more entertaining: that's television.

[Stephen Tucker]

Being an educated person (I'm well into Art (capitalised!) and Culture (ditto) me), I didn't watch the programme. In fact, so aloof am I, that I see my distain of football as a sign of my intellectual superiority.
And I still wear 80's 'Aviator' style shades as a sign of how annoying I am.

[Paul Reichel]

Comment by S Tucker
"I see my distain of football as a sign of my intellectual superiority."
The word is DISDAIN - or was this a joke?!
PERHAPS he NEEDS english grammar TUITION from SIR ALAN (who I have met and for whom I did work for (sic) (emphases deleted))

[Ian Bryan]

The first series was as informative as it was interesting, shinning a light on how to get ahead. Then the BBC saw it as their ‘Big Brother’ a popular reality show, and ego stroking trip for the totally dumb. What we have now is a waste of space.
The program now is not about finding the next Alan Sugar it’s about highlighting to the greater community the type of people that should never be offered a job carrying any responsibility.
The original US version still retains some of the original ethos.

[Ray Bowers]

Actually Alan Sugar is a real pratt.
Anyone going through this charade must
need their bumps feeling.
If anyone sees the American version they will see how Sugar apes Donald Trump. If this is good TV then I will go back and try and plait sawdust.

[Jonathan Sims]

Oh boy! The candidate selectors have excelled this time in choosing unabashed, driven stereotypes. On previous series I've needed a couple of episodes to decide who to detest. This time, they're all instantly, totally detestable. Unmissable.

[T.J.H]

This show confirms my belief that we are inundated with intellectual idiots, who despise the non-undergraduate. If this selection of apprentices are to make decisions for our future, replace with the fishmonger type who know about the real world. The current undergraduate is, in my opinion, less educated than the sixth former in my day.

[John Tansley]

I would pay £100,000 for months of prime time exposure. No doubt Sir Al will be choosing tasks which give exposure to any company who is in bed with Sir Al, or indeed, perhaps we will see more of Sir Al's own businesses on the show. (like the home where the chaps and chapesses are staying - no doubt part of Sir Al's property empire). I drew inspiration from the 1st series. This series however, just draws me nearer to alternative evening viewing activities.

[Fiona Ellis]

They havent a clue about retail. The most basic things in selling are know your product and know your price. They are all blah and no substance...read more on my blog at www.myspace.com/fionaellis

[Ash Punj]

Here we go again ..a number of want to bes in a downward spiral in terms of dignity. Big jobs, big qualifications but little common sense.
Sir Alan with his eyes and ears looks like he knows that the quietest candidate will win whilst the others follow like lemmings over the cliff to either obscurity or fame..
The question to ask from these new aspiring sugar cubes is to hype or not to hype that is the question?

[Lesley Warner]

I just love it! Of course it is beautifully edited in order to show a particular contestant as "brilliant" one week and "a nincompoop" the next....as soon as they make those swoopingly stupid egotistical statements to camera, we all just KNOW they will trip themselves up superbly with it, very shortly. The camera man must have to take hours of film, just to get 10 seconds of amazing scowl/lecturous grin/dismissive shrug etc. So just sit back and enjoy - and remember, it IS t.v. and not 'real life'.

[John Terris]

I would employ none of them.
Could it be that the type of person who attracts high ratings is not a good fit with one who succeeds in business; Sir Alan excepted, of course!

[Tony Miles]

The shambolic performance of this unpleasant bunch of incompetents is further proof of the failure of the New Labour education project. Self-belief is fine, but these people are bordering on the self-delusional - "best salesperson in Europe"?? - having continually been told they are wonderful and been showered with academic qualifications obtained by taking exams which have got easier every year. Never mind, make a note of their names, some of them will probably make it into the Cabinet one day!

[Phil J Noonan]

Approach this show thinking you will be watching a careful selection process for a highly paid business position at a major company, and you`ll be disappointed.
Approach it as a marginally more upmarket version of Big Brother and you`ll be closer to the mark.
Sitting at home complaining that it doesnt come close to assessing the business accumen or leadership skills required for a decent job in management, is akin to wondering why the Teletubbies arent tackling the crisis in the Middle East... totally deluded and irrelevent.
Dress it up with as many flowery "serious" epithets as you like... simple fact is, The Apprentice is a gameshow.
Once you have grasped this , and cast aside your hope of gaining a little insight in "how to become a successful millionaire" , you can relax and enjoy the humour (intentional or unintentional) of watching a motley crew of the terminally deluded panto heroes and villains.
Cheer lustily at the success of the hardworking stoical candidates, and boo and hiss at the panto villains.
I loved the first episode..it was pure stereotype pythonesque theatre.
featuring old favourites such as a number of "upper class twit of the year" runners.. "oop north..reet gooduns"... and even a couple of Fred Gumby`s in there.
Stop trying to analyse it like it`s something it patently isnt and never would be....
It is the cheapest 12 hour long TV advert in history, considering the cost of a 30 second slot in Friday`s Coronation street, I reckon 100k for 12 hours solid airtime on the beeb is one of Alan Sugar`s wiser business moves.
i cant wait for next week!

[john bentley]

As far as I am aware Sugar has not had a creative idea in his life other than copying other company's products more cheaply, but I stand to be corrected? His personal manner is that of a dinosaur from another age and unsuited to encourage young potential business leaders. No doubt it was chosen by tongue in cheek TV program producers to raise controversy by showing business people as money grabbing hicks without a semblance of taste or style or humour.

[John Webster]

I thought House's (Ch 5 Thursday) auditioning of "apprentices" for his new sidekicks was far more interesting, especially his mickey take attitude as he said "you're fired", and the guy who was No6 came back in with his number upside down as No 9 and House let him stay for showing initiative!

[Marc Piacentini]

Many of the so called Apprentices look as though they are just out of
school and they all claim to have done this and that. However if they were so successful in their own jobs why are did they apply to the
join the series? Could it just be a case of I want to be a famous media star? Frankly they deserve all the ridicule they will undoubtably get.

[gill]

So, the Barrister that got fired on The Apprentice? Would you ever let him fight your corner in court? Telling Sir Alan the rift in the group was between the 'gritty' sales boys and the intellects (I failed my gcse and got a B)? Did he do NO research at all into Sir Alan's business career history? Amazing!

[Joanna Swatland]

What a brilliant start to the series, seemed to descend into a class war immediately.

[Andy Bush]

Can't wait to see the episode when both teams are given the task to open Heathrow T5 !

when is it being televised ?

[F Smith]

It was that horrid little bit of unshaven chin that got him fired never mind anything else!

[john]

I have a first class honours degree in physics and a PH D gained in the days when not everyone went to University and agree that qualifications very rarely translate into business acumen. My advice to the Apprentices is concentrate on what you have been trained for; thats what I did and I have enjoyed every moment of my career. Leave the barrow boy selling to others.