Annoying colleagues

I have been feeling very irritable lately. Mostly this manifests itself in harmless ways, as when I accidentally thump large men with my handbag as they try to push their way onto the train while I am disembarking.

Unfortunately, when the people I work with annoy me there's no such simple cure. It has, however, got me thinking about some of the most annoying habits of coworkers past and present, so here's a list of things that have managed to rile me (or my current colleagues) to the point of inflicting harsh and bloody vengeance on the annoyer. Or at least forgetting their order next time we make tea.

1. Loud discussion of one's personal life. If you are sleeping with the boss's husband/George Clooney/the woman who plays Starbuck in Battlestar Galactica, I don't mind listening in. If you are telling your best friend about the gruesome pimpled aftermath of a Brazilian wax, I really don't want to know. Also note: telephones use special magic to get your voice into someone else's ear. There's no need to yell.

2. Sniffing. Bring a handkerchief to work. Or buy tissues. Worst case scenario, use toilet paper.

3. Dripping mucus all over your keyboard. See point 2 for advice. Or just sniff, for goodness sake. Whatever you do, don't be tempted to eat any nose-oysters that form as your sinuses finally dry up.

4. Noisy crisp-eating or tea slurping. This one doesn't bother me at all but it has the potential to send one of my most mild-mannered colleagues into a hair-tearing frenzy of hate. It's not as if she's on a diet or otherwise trying to deny the existence of crisps; it just really annoys her.

5. Desk encroachment. First, it's a couple of letters poking harmlessly into your space. Then a stack of old magazines or reference books half-topples onto your in tray; finally, your neighbour starts using your computer monitor to prop up his collection of corporate gonks. It's time to shove the whole lot back over the green line or, better yet, onto the floor.

6. Excessive self-importance. You know the sort -  much too valuable an employee to waste time answering the phone, doing the filing or in any way contributing to office harmony. In some ways this sounds like a good policy - do the specific things that will contribute to your bonus and ignore everything else - but damn, it's annoying. Often related to the too-busy colleague; the person so busy complaining about his or her workload that they don't have time to do anything else.

7. Practical jokes. Jam on the phone, underwear in the desk drawer, fake complaints from angry "customers" - all these go down very badly with one of my colleagues. Well, actually my boss, so I'll stop now.

8. Extreme hangovers. Hungover people waste time, smell bad and act as a living reminder that they have a social life and you don't.

9. Old timers. This isn't an ageist thing - the problem is with people who've seen all your good ideas before, back when they were done better by their old employer or more profitably by one of your competitors.

10. Irritability. People who snap at the slightest thing and can't just relax and get on with their jobs really drive me around the bend.

Comments

[Carol Lewis]

I'm sitting here wondering which one refers to me!

[Nathalie Hachet]

I'm sure we could add on to the list. How about:
11. The Two-Faced: those colleagues who complain to you about the boss, the company, the job, the pay etc. behind the boss's back and then can't run faster back to the boss to lick their boots while telling them all about YOUR negative attitude in the workplace!
12. The Thieves: they steal your ideas, your business contacts, your privileges and your cherished coffee mug. They replace your name with their name on your own PowerPoint presentations and - hey presto - get all the credit for it...
13. Colleagues vs Friends: That dreaded social situation (Xmas do, charity gala, corporate week-end etc) that throws us with colleagues into a social/ leisure activity... When the only thing you have in common with most of them is work and nothing else! Trying to find common ground that does not involve work is no mean feat. Meanwhile you witness some pure cringeing moments, like the happily-married man from accounts getting off with the office temp, or the loud one from sales upsetting the boss with a comment that shouldn't have been made... The situation is usually aggravated by drink and by the false belief that 'it's OK now, we can loosen up, we're not just colleagues, we're all friends'! Oh, yeah!

[Carly Chynoweth]

Oh, I am definitely sycophantic enough to say that none of them are you, Carol. Though I realise that probably sticks me in at no. 14 on the list for excessive sucking up.

[ANON]

Number 6 sounds like a cross between two people in my office - one is self-important, the other complains about having loads of stuff to do and so never actually gets it done!