The Apprentice: week 3

Right. Well, as other colleagues want social lives, it seems that tonight's Sir Alan-watching duties have again fallen to me.

Readers have consistently made the point that The Apprentice is all about good television (good here meaning that we have a good view of the mangled bodies in the 42-car pile-up, presumably). I am going to ignore this point entirely and instead approach it as the programme's sold: it's all about one lucky suit getting a great job. In other words, it's a job interview.

Job interviews mean rules and metrics and special forms to make sure that no one is discriminated against on the basis of anything other than their (in)ability to do the job. As the show itself hasn't offered footage of legions of HR officers ticking boxes and shuffling paper, I guess it's up to me.

Later today I am going to bodge together some assessment categories so that we can measure who's doing well, who's doing badly and who, in the real world, might consider hiring a lawyer. I'll update the categories with results after the show - or even during it, if my laptop starts working again.

Your suggestions for appropriate categories are most welcome.

9pm update: I have no idea what competencies Sir Alan is looking for. Shall we go for teamwork, communication ability, commercial awareness and, umm, conformity with the corporate ethos? Obviously that last one is just code for whether or not I like someone.

On the challenge: Does anyone else think that the production team has been watching too many of Gordon Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares? Hardly an original idea for this week's challenge. I don't know why the teams didn't just hire a chef for the shift and focus on marketing.

On the interview process: Okay, just spent five minutes trying to draw up a sensible metric  - you know, something with check boxes and cross referencing and maybe a double blind system for extra fairness - so that I could treat everyone equally. Clearly that's much too much hard work, so I'll give in to the sort of behaviour that keeps employment lawyers in business and assess the competitors based on gut instinct. When I can't work out/remember their names, I'll go with unflattering descriptions.

Sara (girl leader): Bit whiny. Gibbers like a loon, talks over the top of people. I don't think she gets shortlisted, let's blame it on her lack of teamwork - that sounds fair, right? I mean, she gets points for self-confidence but it doesn't make me like her. Boardroom update: Smug, isn't she? Still, can't deny results so she better get another go.

Ian (boy leader): I just don't like him. Now I just need an excuse not to give him the job. What is it that people say? "I'm sorry, you're just too experienced for this role." Quite nice looking though. If he promised to wear a tight t-shirt next time I might give him a second interview. RESULTS UPDATE: Clearly Sir A isn't as shallow as me. Bye, Ian (pictured).

Raef: I suppose that repeating what other people say could count as being supportive of one's colleagues.

Blond bloke who thinks lattes are a dessert (Kevin): He talks quite slowly and has a big jaw but doesn't know much about coffees. Er, so that's a plus in clear communication and a minus in commercial awareness. Post-failure update: seems very confident that he didn't make enough of a mess to get sacked. Hmm. Has he no idea how blame shifting works?

Yelly bloke with facial hair who isn't Sir Alan: had some reasonable points about needing to ask for and act on feedback. Disadvantaged by me not knowing his name though.

Simon: fist-pumping pointer, bit like a politician but didn't make much of an impression otherwise. I suspect I'll have forgotten his name by next week. Though to be fair I think I will have forgotten most candidates' names by tomorrow morning. Boardroom update: He keeps forgetting to call AS "Sir" then stumbling over himself in an effort to recover. It's like watching a small child trying to curtsey without falling over. That gets him another go in my book.

Black woman: looks very pretty in her sari. Sounds quite sensible. Haven't heard enough from her to want to sack her.

Slightly scary bob girl: nicely groomed. Boardroom update: Gets credit on the £5 ticket thing.

Nasal girl (Claire):  walking out on an argument with Sara was understandable but somehow she still irritates me. How many people can I get rid of in this round?

Blonde chick:  She has nice hair.

The poor sod trying to explain to a customer that he was only going to get half a pizza because the kitchen was running a bit low: points for bare-faced trying despite being given a really bad idea to work with.

Red-headed girl: did some enthusiastic dancing when the stripper boy was on stage. And she has a nice smile.

All the other boys: they all look kind of similar and none of them really stood out from the others. Hair full of product, ties, suits - at least in a normal interview I would have a CV in front of me to help tell them apart.

Sir Alan: It's a bit mean of him to ask Simon a question then tell him off for answering it. Still, must be nice to have the power, eh? On the other hand, I don't think he had his whole heart in it this episode. It all felt a bit, well, quiet.

Anyway, there we have it: Ian's gone and I've shown just how easy it is to lose track of which interviewee says what. Job hunters can learn from this; maybe it's worth wearing a big name tag whenever you go to meet a recruiter. At least that way they'll know who you are during the interview, even if they forget you the moment you leave.

(Picture from BBC The Apprentice website)

Comments

[Matthew Jones]

The boys should have won, really. They caught a bit of a spending fever and just kept spending when they should have tried to keep track. Teams should have a good idea as to how well they have done when they do in, and they don't seem to actually have that idea at the moment. Better planning is the key to their long-term success, but in the short-term, a decent team leader will do.

My review - http://www.matthew-jones.net/?p=32

[James Brennan]

Many thanks to Times Online for ruining my apprentice tonight by giving the fired candidate away on the front page! I thought the Times would have enough sense but hey-ho. The boys had it in the bag apart from crazy idea of going to tesco's to buy the food. Who's insane idea was that? the show didn't seem to suggest who was responsible for that.

[MarkinTokyo]

It's a bit much displaying the name of the person who was fired on the front page of the website. Why did you have to spoil the surprise? Completely unnecessary.

[Chris]

On the front page of your website today you ask "would you have fired Ian?".

Well, yes I would have, but as I hadn't got round to watching the show at the time I would rather have been able to watch it without knowing the result.

[IAN PAYNE [ENGLAND]]

Ian was a right plonker - glad Sir Alan sacked him !!!!!

[Chris]

what let the blokes down was the lack of resreach - they should have learned after the last cock up when they were just pulling prices out of thin air. if they'd done the reaserch - secured a supplier, done a better deal on the printing then they would have won it.

both Ian and Kev should have been fired - Ian because he was a poor leader and Kev because he was the worst excuse for a busness type i've ever seen (and because he looks like someone off Little Britan).

[Alex]

I have to agree with your final statement, Sir Alan does seem slightly off. I suppose he's trying to come across as tolerant (whatever that means)! Surrounded by a bunch of bungling youths all too eager to please having memorised the 10 'how to's' of employment and interviews. Sir Alan, look at me, i'm outgoing, hardworking blah blah blah... just bloody entertain us already..

[John Heyes]

Throughout the entire programme I can't help thinking it's like some hybrid of the Office and Little Britain. That Kevin is a Matt Lucas character without a doubt and Ian the Hair Straightener came out with some cracking Brentisms.

It is car crash tv but like all multi car pile ups we just can't helping peeking and then shuddering.

Also would anyone seriously employ any of these fools, they couldn't run a bath?

[Roger Davies]

The challenges are pathetic and the contestants do not understand anything about anything, other than promoting themselves and slagging off others. How can the idiots price a menu without first understanding costs or competitive rates?
Lock each team into a room and let them work through one or two business simulated years as competitive companies, that should sort the wheat from the chaff in 24 hours. Still, in reality it's not about business, it's about giving AMS something to do on a reality TV program.

[Charles Baker]

Way to many egos. Way to little real talent. Not helped by Ian having all the leadership ability of a turnip.

[Tessa]

I must be getting old but I am really finding all of the 'interviewees' to be so irritating, mainly because of their ineptness... I think Sir Alan should fire those who can't even appear to do the job they were doing on the 'outside' e.g. Kevin is supposed to be a 'Bank Manager' and yet he could not even cost a bowl of tomato soup nor felt it was a necessary to do any costings before proceeding!?!

Both teams get so caught up in the naming, the themes etc. rather than showing ANY business acumen or indeed thought process, grrrrrr!

In my opinion, most of them appear to be totally one dimensional, having had no experience of other jobs/positions or industries other than the one they've landed into straight out of Uni. Get a life is all I find myself shouting.

Hmmm, do I watch next week, or shall I aim to quell my ranting and thus lower my blood pressure?

[Alex]

I think both teams did a chaotic and fairly crap job in the food production element, but the boys made the fairly crucial error of overspending, which the girls were clever at avoiding. I now hate Kevin with the fire of a thousand suns and if Simon gets fired for anything less than a HUGE mistake I will make t-shirts that say 'Hire Simon'.

[Pete Stubbs]

As a self confessed Apprentice connoisseur I was extremely disappointed with last nights performance of both teams...the girls missing what should have been a lucrative lunch service and the boys falling at pretty much every hurdle.

Sourcing raw materials from a retailer, as opposed to a wholesaler, and pricing without costs?!! Surely, school kids should be able to do that!!!

I'm all for Simon to win, with Raef a close second - the others, who?!

[Mimi]

Kevin should have been sacked for being so c**p at working out costs and not insisting on buying wholesale. Shows what bank managers know about economics.

Ian should have stayed on for a bigger cock-up (esp. for us girls).

[Rob]

The boys could have saved themselves a LOT of money and time if they'd simply rung up catering suppliers on the first day, like Brakes or 3663 for the dry goods, Delice de France or similar for the ciabattas and asked for an early delivery for the next day. Then they could have concentrated more on the marketing and given themselves a relaxing day.

[Nic Jarrett]

"If he promised to wear a tight t-shirt next time I might give him a second interview"? If that were a male writing about a woman the world would be up in arms. Such double standards!

Also, I find the whole idea of 'lets come up with labels instead of listening to catch their names' thing quite silly really. Laziness I feel. Case in point the "Black Woman"... terrible!

[J.P.Ellingham]

No, I would have fired Sugar!

[Carly Chynoweth]

Nic, you're absolutely right re the tight t-shirt comment being inappropriate and my inability to remember names being lazy. That's sort of the point: I am being lazy and inappropriate about a telly programme and what I say and do here won't make any difference to these people's lives. But when employers talk in these terms about real people in real interviews - and some of them do - all sorts of problems can arise.

[Mike Hunt]

Thank you The Times! For posting the banner on your front page which said that Ian had been fired. I'd msised the episode and planned to watch it on the iPlayer.

[Bhavina Maistry]

I'd carry a calculator from now on if I was Kevin. It just seems that Sir Alan really changes his minds about why people should get fired.

Last week, Shazia got fired as she was solely responsible for labelling the clothes, task which failed when she apparently "abandonned" her mates at the launderette with the permission of the project manager.

Surely then, the "Head Chef" who thought 150 tomatoes will cook soup for 15 people and could hardly tell the quantity of vegetables to be bought was "the one" responsible for the failure of this task.

Granted though, Ian, "honest man", lied in the Boardroom - maybe Sir Alan was perceptive of his character from the beginning.

By the way, well done, girls, on the bollywood stripper!

[Oli Pascoe]

I dont know about anyone else, but does it seem like these people with so called 'Business Accumen' are either just actors or are completely brainless. I was stairing at the screen last night with my mouth open, thinking 'What the hell is Daffyd doing on TV!' They really are awkward! Just makes you think what you would do if you had an opportunity like that. I would deffinatly not sing out of key in a pub, in Hampstead! Reeeheeediculous!

[Tom Hanna]

Last night was the first opportunity I have had to watch the current series. I fear that Sralan is going to be wasting 6 figures of his companies' worth taking on any of that bunch of self seeking no hopers. I ask you!!! As far as entertainment goes - is this programme meant to help you relax after a hard day? I am not sure that me bellowing 'you effing cretin' when Ian was making the L word speech did much for my karma at all along with other choice epithets I was required to pronounce when one after another these hapless wannabees opened their mouths to utter glimpses of the blindingly obvious and say how good they are. As my old Pa used to comment 'self praise is no recommendation'.

Thank God for Adrian Chiles and Jo Brand in the follow up programme. THAT is when you can relax. It is just a shame that you have to subject yourself to the main event to truly appreciate it.

Then again the main event is not really after finding the great white hope of British commerce. I suppose it is more like a 21st Century version of the Roman Arena and that is why it is is so popular. Apprentices = Christians
Sralan and his team = Lions

[Helen F]

If nothing else, watching The Apprentice makes me appreciate my boss! I would absolutely hate to work with/for any of these arrogant, pompous idiots who clearly have no idea whatsoever how people tick.

[Carol Lewis]

Apologies to those of you who were disappointed to learn who had been fired by reading our front page. But we are newspaper and reporting the news is our job.

I think all die-hard fans of the programme would have been watching last night and tuning into our blog.

Nevertheless, so as not to upset those of you who prefer to watch your tv after the event we won't post the result on the front page next week. We will, however, be discussing it in full in the blog.

[Chinedu]

Sir Alan Sugar, YOU're FIRED!

[Mark Atkins Carmel CA USA]

OK..so last week I said I wouldn't watch again.... but i did via iPlayer. At least I could fast forward it...get it over in the least possible time..
The appeal of this programme is its awfulness....yes its car crash TV...
Its really funny to see the applicants playing to the cameras with all their best intentions to do well..then showing us how totally incapable they really are. I hope when they get back to their normal day jobs they are subjected to the ridicule they deserve.
If the BBC can't find the staff to make this programme properly with the right calibre of applicants and scripts then they shouldn't bother...
Sack the lot...now...well after a few more weeks.......am I actually enjoying it? ****!!

[Rob]

Does anyone else think that Kevin sounds like David Brent from the office?

[Shalini]

Clearly, this series shows how this generation have extremly poor domestic skills, little common sense and they don't know when they were born. Really looking forward to the rest! Those judges faces make me laff, their expressions showing horror and disgust LOL...

[Sam]

If this crew is a sample of the quality of the UKs potential management then no wonder the UK is in such a mess.... BA... Nortern Rock... BBC... pathetic...

[fi]

i always wonder if the contestants actual employers are watching and if so are they impressed or wondering why they ever hired them . also wondering which bank does kevin work for ..... northern rock ? (yes i went there heehee)

[Peter Wade]

Like X Factor I don't care who wins. In X factor people claim they can sing but can't.

In the Apprentice people who have been very lucky to have a job at which they claim to have succeeded think they have transferable skills.

When they lose they complain 1 I have never done it before 2 I was under pressure.
Surely that is the point.

It makes great television as we like to see people make bigger cock ups of things that we do whether it is singing or running a task.

Sir Alan contradicts himself as to what he is looking for but it is not to be taken too seriously

[C.U.JAMES]

It's bullying disguised as entertainment. So I don't watch it.

[Samantha murray]

These individual's who have been sucessfully chosen to appear on the show do not seem to have any communication skills. They do not know how to interact with each other and their interpersonal skills are that of a spoilt teenager. No eye contact, no listening skills and the body language is undesirable for the position they are applying for.