'Fess up...they're on to you

Excuses, excuses. Who hasn't told the occasional porkie at work?* A former colleague of mine made it a matter of personal pride to come up with inventive reasons for his habitual lateness. They started out at the safe end of the believability spectrum with - usually plausible - "transport problems". These stopped abruptly after he realised his boss actually took the same train as him - yet miraculously arrived on time.

* In case my editor's reading this - I haven't, honest

My creative colleague then had to delve deep to hide the fact that he couldn't get out of bed on time: mysterious girlfriend afflictions that prevented him from leaving the house, dry cleaners who failed to have his suit ready, "therapy" sessions that no one really dared enquire about.

This week, the business press contains a couple of excuses too rich to go unmentioned. The first comes from The Wall Street Journal (May 6). It emerges that some sleeping pills can cause strange behavioural side effects.

One woman woke up to find herself with a paintbrush in hand, having painted her front door in her sleep. Others have crashed their cars into trees and set fire to their kitchens in their drug-induced haze. But top prize goes to the worker who, under the effect of sleepng pills, phoned his boss in the night to hurl abuse - with no memory of it afterwards.

So if you feel like telling your manager what you really thought of that 'needs improvement' performance review, or ask how he managed to afford that new BMW when you haven't had a pay rise in yonks, you know what to do. Go in the next morning all smiles - it's as if nothing ever happened.

Next comes a report from Edge (May) on the confusion we Brits feel when greeting clients and colleagues. Not knowing whether to shake someone's hand or pucker up for a peck is causing "a catastrophe of clashing heads, lipstick stains and even accidental groping," among the workforce finds a survey from Office Angels.

Accidental groping! Imagine the scene: "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to brush your (delete as appropriate) thigh/breasts/bottom. I was merely confused over how we should greet one another."