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The Apprentice: week 8

I'm new to Apprentice blogging but not, I am sure you're relieved to hear, new to The Apprentice.

Welcome to episode 8 and after last week's excruciating events, I really do believe that anything can happen.

A cursory glance around a few websites suggests that Helene Speight and the ladies' favourite (I have that on good authority), Alex Wotherspoon, are the current betting favourites.

I've got my favourite bingo buzzwords at the ready and I'll be marking them off as they're barked out. Here's my list:

The 13 dumbest TV moments

Following last night's Kosher fiasco on The Apprentice - when 'nice Jewish boy' Michael took a chicken to a mosque to be blessed - we've put together some of the dumbest moments on TV:

1. George Galloway pretends to be a cat and licks milk out of a bowl on Celebrity Big Brother while being stroked by Rula Lenska. Cringe making TV at its best. What were they thinking?

2. Big Brother's Jade Goody thinks Cambridge is in London and East Anglia is a country far, far, away.

3. Big Brother's Helen: "Is there any chicken in chick peas?"

4. Jessica Simpson is confused over whether tuna is a fish or a chicken.

5. American Idol contestant Kellie Pickler thinks Europe is a country where we all speak French.

The Apprentice week 7

It's the seventh week and the 10 remaining contenders are off to Marrakesh to haggle in the souks. But rather than watching them enjoy two days of fun in the sun, this week's episode promises to be another cringe fest as Sir Alan's hapless troupe get to grips with hard-nosed Moroccan market culture:

9.05pm  The teams have been reshuffled and assigned new project managers, Lee and Jennifer. They have to buy 10 things in the market's 3,000 stores.

9.10  Oh no, Claire blew it on the first negotiation. She crumpled too quickly and handed over wads of cash for a juicer. Saving only £1 on the asking price. Lee's team are tougher. They walk out when they don't get the deal they want on the clock. Good work. Oh no, Claire blew it again! Shut her up please. She can't negotiate for toffee and now they've paid too much for the carpet.

The Apprentice: week 6

You might not want to work for him, but there's no denying that Sir Alan's still got it. The man with the most famous forefinger in Britain appears in the Sunday Times Rich List at number 92, worth £830m.

Week 6 is when The Apprentice starts to get interesting. Of the original 16 candidates, five have fallen in the firing line to leave a more manageable cast of wannabees. The top prize may still be a long way off, but we can see the surviving contestants begin to glimpse success on the horizon. Prepare to watch the competitive frenzy reach new heights...or should that be lows?

It's more fun for viewers, too: we know them well enough now to start arguing about our favourites. Alex: charming salesman or snake in the grass? Lucinda - ditzy aromatherapist or shrewd businesswoman? As ever, we welcome your comments.

So, week 6. Billed as the strangest task yet, tonight the candidates are asked to come up with a new 'special occasion' and make commemorative cards to mark it.

We've had a few ideas of our own...National Ego Day, anyone?

The Apprentice: week 5

I've been negative about earlier episodes, sure, but I'm feeling quite good about tonight's show. Really I am - it's not just the glass of red wine at my elbow that's talking here.

For a start, it's about ice-cream, which is nice. And the early-stage winnowing means that the cast list has become slightly more manageable - I'm optimistic that by the end of tonight's programme I'll be able to name at least 50 per cent of them without having to refer to the pictures on the BBC's website.

The Apprentice: week 4

Well, they sure can't run a restaurant (the boys anyway) as most of the commentators who watched last week's 'chicken carbonara' debacle seem to have agreed. But this week's task, taking photos of customers in a shopping centre, can't be beyond the (ahem) best of British business talent...can it?

Why do I get the horrible feeling it just might be?

The Apprentice: week 3

Right. Well, as other colleagues want social lives, it seems that tonight's Sir Alan-watching duties have again fallen to me.

Readers have consistently made the point that The Apprentice is all about good television (good here meaning that we have a good view of the mangled bodies in the 42-car pile-up, presumably). I am going to ignore this point entirely and instead approach it as the programme's sold: it's all about one lucky suit getting a great job. In other words, it's a job interview.

Job interviews mean rules and metrics and special forms to make sure that no one is discriminated against on the basis of anything other than their (in)ability to do the job. As the show itself hasn't offered footage of legions of HR officers ticking boxes and shuffling paper, I guess it's up to me.

The Apprentice: week 2

The loud response to last week's episode (good gracious, I could hear the furious typing from half way across the country) suggests that I'm not the only person who considers Sir Alan's gaggle of candidates to be less than inspiring; comments included a range of phrases like "haven't a clue", "vacuous" and "unpleasant bunch of incompetents".

More than a few other people argued that I was missing the point of business-based reality television by expecting either business or reality. I should, of course, have been enjoying it simply as a piece of television.

However, as I didn't enjoy it even in those terms, I've managed to get out of watching it tonight by dumping the job on someone else  delegating responsibility for this evening's review. Emily Ford, one of Career's reporters, carelessly mentioned that two of her housemates sort of know some of the contestants (the barrister and a woman who has had a boob job). This clearly makes her much more of an expert, even in a friends of friends way, so she'll be the one continuing this post at 9pm. Everything you read from here on in is her fine work...

The Apprentice: week 1

I have never met Sir Alan or any of his apprentices. Indeed, I've never had much of a desire to watch The Apprentice; I love an ambitious hero as much as the next Macbeth fan but reality show shoutiness is as irritating as nylon knickers. Surely if these people were truly enterprising they'd go and start their own businesses rather than strutting around in front of the cameras boasting about their business ability.

Anyway, I now have a professional interest in the show (ie my boss asked me to watch it), so I am sitting here on Wednesday night with my laptop and only the occasional wistful glance at the football scores so that you can enjoy my real-time review. Or you could just add your own reasons for wanting to slap every single person associated with the show to the comments section. It's up to you.