Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: THE FOOTBALL SEASON

As a resident one street away from Old Trafford that can only mean one thing, 5pm every Saturday grown men p****** in my hanging baskets. My busy lizzies can't take it, the steam's turned my washing 'urine yellow' - it looks like I play away for Chelsea, and no that's not a gay euphemism.

GOING UP: PELE

Baggies fans were celebrating this week after West Brom signed Pele. What are you thinking? The man's 87, haven't you seen the adverts, he's got erectile dysfunction for God's sake, he can't even play keep it uppy with his own c***, let alone the ball. Eh? What's that? It's not THAT pele? Ha ha I knew that - next.

GOING DOWN: COCAINE

Cocaine has been found in 25 per cent of all Premier League toilets. I've never seen any proof, the nearest I've come to some 'good s***' was an unflushed log in a disabled toilet at Eastlands and believe me there was nothing good about it. I mean for 40 pound a gram you're best to put some money towards it and buy youself a burger.

GOING DOWN: BECKHAM'S HAIR

Shock! Horror! David was spotted this week at LA aiport with what can only be described as a bald spot and receding hairline, this is known basically in hairdresser speak as getting 'an Alan', I'm flattered, but get your own style, you'll be getting a squeaky camp voice next - oh!

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