Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: SVEN
Guess who's going wild in the aisle? Yes, Sven. He can't stop spending, he has been whizzing around Europe quicker than bird flu, picking up players for Man City. You go, girl! We've all done it, left home with wallet bulging, desperate for young talent, only to end up surrounded by swarthy men with “little English”. Oh, just me, then!

GOING UP: CHELSEA'S AWAY KIT
José, José, José, what was you thinking with that illuminous yellow colour? Where’s the next away game? Chernobyl? I know it’s wise to “be safe, be seen”, but you play on a great big pitch with floodlights, not in a bus lane. Also, with Drogba's hair, he'll look like a lollipop lady. Sort it out!

GOING DOWN — THEN COMING BACK UP: STADIUM FOOD
Blueurghghhh! Not my words, but those of a fan in the toilet after eating a “burger”. Disgusting! You
wouldn't feed it to a dog. No, because that would be cannabalism. I refuse to eat it. Like most top players, I prefer a “roast”. Mind you, some of them still end up with dog.

GOING DOWN: AMERICANS
“Leave Goldenballs alone, fatties!” Yes, because of David Beckham's dodgy ankle, it isn't just Posh with a face like a slapped arse. Thousands of Galaxy fans haven't seen David get off the subs’ bench yet. One nasty Yank had a banner with “Bench it like Beckham” Ouch! Thank God he can't read.

Comments

[Mr Trebus]

I'm rather hoping the bowing and scraping sub-editor who deleted all the negative comments (oh, now there are NONE - that COULD INDICATE SOMETHING) will use this experience to ensure that this type of pointless drivel never makes it into a publication that he edits in the future?

I would've thought you lot'd learn after letting Alan Davies hit keys at random.

Deleting the negative comments doesn't make the 'article' any less terrible.

Good man.