Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN: ISRAEL’S NATIONAL ANTHEM
Gawd blimey! Did you hear it? It sounded like an advert for a pantyliner. She’d give the Wailing Wall a run for its money. Last time I’d heard such a strained noise at Wembley, George Michael slipped a disc singing Careless Whisper.

GOING DOWN: MASCOTS
A grown man dressed as a sheep — please. Just for the record, you’re only amusing when you have a fight with the opposing mascot. Rocky the Robin with Gerry the Giraffe in a headlock — now that’s funny!

GOING DOWN: ALAN HANSEN
Can that man get any more miserable? He’d make the Grim Reaper top himself. Muttering away about how England need a morale boost; it’s you who needs the boost, love. Go on, treat yourself — kick your shoes off, catch a show, have a head massage, stop watching Scotland play.

GOING UP: GARY LINEKER’S TAN
Someone’s been moisturising with Sunny D by the looks of it. When I turned on the telly to watch Euro 2008, I thought: “That bloke’s done well from Supermarket Sweep.” Gary, I hope you haven’t a nasty reaction to the additives in those Walkers crisps. Mind you, judging by your skin, you’ve been bingeing on Wotsits.