Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN - JOSE MOURINHO

See ya Jose! And take your mangy Yorkshire terrier with you. I have no sympathy, at school when it came to football I was called ‘The Special One’ too, did I get a £12.5 million pay off? No, I got dog s**t through my letterbox and my callipers thrown on the roof.

GOING UP - FOOTBALLER AUTOBIOGRAPHIES

Footballers writing their life stories – Wow!  Goal.
Fanny.  Goal.  Fanny.  Bought a Porsche.  More Fanny.
I bet J. K Rowling’s sh***ing herself. I only read Cristiano Ronaldo’s book because of the photos of him in those skimpy shorts, I would have got to the end if the woman in Waterstones hadn’t told me to put my c**k away.
 
GOING DOWN - SEXY FOOTBALL

Cancel all flights, block up the Channel Tunnel, all the hotties are leaving England – do something.
Beckham gone to LA and now Jose’s off to Portugal, where’s all the eye candy gone? 3 o’clock on a Saturday these days looks like chucking out time in Yates. Avram? Arsene? Martin Jol?, I’ve seen more life in a Northen Rock queue.

GOING DOWN - KISS AND TELL GIRLS

There I’ll be opening the Sunday papers and they’ll be a blonde woman in a bikini, on all fours, kissing and telling, ugh! Put me right off my coco pops. Please!

Not on the Sabbath. ‘He went like a train’ ‘He made me feel dirty’ - I’m not surprised you were on your hands and knees in a toilet cubicle love. Classy.