Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: FOREIGN REFEREES
Lawrie Sanchez, the Fulham manager, said that he wants more foreign referees in the game. Where’s the fun in that? Can you see our fans chanting, "Qui est le w***er dans le noir?" And John Terry asking his team-mates, "What’s Spanish for 'blind twat?'"

GOING UP: GOAL CELEBRATIONS
Ripping your shirts off, heavy petting, groping. C’mon, lads, it’s Match of the Day not Brokeback Mountain. Get a grip. I admit I used to dive in if a goal was scored, hoping to get a quick kiss and fumble; mind you, getting sent off for Rohypnol-ing the goalkeeper was a particular low point.

GOING DOWN: STREAKERS
Where are all the streakers? Nothing warms the heart more than a mentally ill person running naked across the pitch trying to be wacky. Ah! Memories. I thought I saw a naked woman run over and do a handstand in the manager’s dugout, but when I popped on my glasses it was Rafael Benítez and his goatee.

GOING DOWN: RESERVE TEAMS
Coventry City knocked Manchester United out of the Carling Cup — ha ha! Well, if you’re going to put out a reserve team . . . Coventry players have feelings, too, you know. They want to play the greats, not fat Barry from the chip shop with the lazy eye. It serves you right!