Alan Carr’s topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: OWEN’S EXPECTATIONS
Michael Owen has told England fans that “he’s born to score goals”. You’ve only scored once in 620 days — that’s like saying Stephen Hawkins is born to riverdance??cap?, love. Six hundred and twenty days is a long time; what are you trying to do? Outlive the goalie! Good luck with your second goal. I just hope I’m alive to enjoy it.

GOING UP: COMMENTATORS
What an easy job. They’ve got the players’ names on the back of the shirts, they state the bleeding obvious: “It’s a goal.” Even I know what that is. Then when a player says to the ref: “You’re nothing but a f***ing piece of toss” he says “Ooh! He’s not happy about that.” No s***, Sherlock. We’ve seen England play, we know what toss means thanks very much.

GOING DOWN: RAFA BENITEZ’S TACHE
Stop, stop, stop! What are you doing? That facial hair has got to go. You don’t look cool, you just look like a fat Ming the Merciless. I know you want to endear yourself to the Scousers, but you don’t have to start taking grooming tips from them . . . and that’s just the women.

GOING DOWN: ACCIDENT-PRONE ENGLAND PLAYERS
Can they get any more accident prone? Now even Beckham’s injured himself by being pulled down by a Mexican nicknamed “The Chicken” (no it wasn’t a fowl, ha ha). Brought down by a chicken? You’re an A-list footballer, not a pensioner in an Iceland supermarket. Get a grip! We need you.