Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: JOSÉ MOURINHO
It was revealed this week that José enjoyed a night of passion with a blonde while serenading her to the sounds of Sting. Ooh! Smooth operator. I can imagine him slipping off his coat, pouring the wine and singing, “Every step you take, I’ll be watching you” — to his reflection in the mirror above his bed.

GOING DOWN: JOHN TOSHACK
The Wales manager says “playing teams like Cyprus abroad puts him and his players in a holiday mood”. Look, love, leaving Wales would put anyone in a holiday mood. As soon as I see Shrewsbury town centre, I’m treating myself to a pina colada and singing D.I.S.C.O.

GOING DOWN: NURSES
Bah humbug! Poor nurses asked Premier League footballers to donate a day’s wages to a nursing charity and some refused. You’re making a big mistake, boys! Can't wait to see you next time you’re in hospital with groin strain. “Nurse, should you really be massaging bleach into my genitals with a scourer? Arrrggghhh!”

GOING DOWN: PLASTIC PITCHES
Good luck England against Russia! You’ll need it with that plastic pitch. C’mon Russia, you’re the world’s biggest country and you can’t grow grass? Our players aren’t used to going 90 minutes on plastic — not since she married Peter Andre.

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