Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN: JOHN HARTSON

As soon as I write that Norwich have the best stadium food, porker John Hartson waddles there on loan. Coincidence? I think not. How is he supposed to lose weight? Delia is the chairman, they have been sponsored by Colman’s. All they need is a drive-thru Greggs by the corner flag and he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven.

GOING UP: PRINCE WILLIAM

A Villa fan! Yeah, right. When was the last time William was “up the Villa”. And that’s Aston Villa, not daddy’s villa near Capri. He’s the new FA president and was photographed scoring. Unlike Harry it was in the back of the net, not from some dodgy bloke in a Cortina.

GOING DOWN: EURO 2008

Oh dear, we can’t even blame that pitch. Yes it was plastic, but in certain light it looked real. Mind you, so does Dannii Minogue. It’s been revealed that if Steve McClaren is sacked he’ll get a pay-off of £2.7 million. What? £2.7 million for being s***! That’s like making the captain of the Titanic employee of the month.

GOING UP: FOOTBALL FANS CONVERTING TO RUGBY

Grown men pulling each other to the floor grabbing each others balls through their tight, skimpy shorts and they end up being paraded on an open-top bus. When I did it, I got two years in a juvenile detention centre. Get a room!