Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN: THE OFFSIDE RULE Just when I get my head around it they change it again. There I was at my dining table, pepper pot for the striker, salt pot for the defender, Toby jug for Martin Jol. Now he’s gone I’ll grey out the teeth and say it’s Avram Grant.

GOING UP: GARY MEGSON The former West Brom manager has joined Bolton and the fans are ecstatic; well, the Blackburn fans, Wigan fans, Derby fans any fans apart from Bolton’s. Only 2 per cent think he’ll make a positive change. Bolton, you’re bottom, you’ve got five points. Even if he burns down the stand and turns the pitch into a car park, it’ll be an improvement.

GOING UP: CHELSEA It wasn’t just Howard from Take That’s lung that collapsed this weekend, it was Man City’s defence. Ouch! What happened at Chelsea? Six goals — yes, six! Joe Cole got one, Didier Drogba got two, even Andriy Shevchenko got one. Jesus, what was Sven doing — operating a “score one goal, get one free” policy?

GOING DOWN: WEMBLEY Yesterday, Wembley, the home of football hosted an NFL game. Iraq, Afghanistan and now Wembley — they get everywhere. Wembley was to capacity. I’m not surprised — have you seen the size of them? I bet Mary Beth’s bingo wings took up the visitors’ enclosure alone.