Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: SVEN
Ahh bless! Sven’s been doing his bit for the community by attending tea dances up in Manchester. Can’t think of anything worse, can you? Stuck in a room full of old women dribbling is not really my cup of tea, but don’t tell Wayne Rooney, he’ll be round there like a shot.

GOING DOWN: DIDA
Yeah, going down like a sack of s*** after thinking about it for five minutes. You cheating b******, it was only a tap on the cheek, it wasn’t a demolition ball. By the time you’d decided to fall I could have popped down a futon, tucked you in, brought you an Ovaltine and read you a bleeding bedtime story.

GOING UP: NORWICH
At last some good news for Delia, Norwich have made the top three.......errr....best stadium food. I think you need to prioritise, love. We haven’t won in ages, we’re third from bottom, but this coq au vin on a bed of rice in a white wine sauce is positively divine. C’mon, let’s be having you.

GOING DOWN: JOHN TERRY’S EYE-WEAR
I’ve got five words to say to John Terry: “Should have gone to Specsavers.” You should be resting, not running around with what looks like a see-through sanitary towel strapped to your face. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t like people in football wearing masks. Well, unless it’s Martin Jol.