Tony Cascarino: Agony Uncle

Dear Deidre, Bel Mooney and that woman off This Morning, you've met your match. If you've fallen in love with your stepfather or suspect the milkman's delivering more than the milk, then you're in the wrong place. But if you can't hit a cow's backside with a banjo or can't keep it up (the ball) for more than three seconds, then Tony's your man.

Want to know how to impress your manager with a minimum of effort, how to cheat at circuit training or what curry you can get away with the night before a big match? Now's your chance to find out - Tony Cascarino has been there and done it and he's declared himself fit to answer your questions as TheGame's first ever Agony Uncle.

Just send your questions to sport@timesonline.co.uk, with "Ask Tony" in the subject heading.

To kick off the column, the Online Sports desk has issued the first cry for help. No, we're not much good but you may find some of the problems familiar as Tony offers advice on the best pre-match tipples and how to get over a most embarrassing dressing-room problem...

I play Sunday football but I don’t want to lose my Saturday night out with the lads. What food and drink can I get away with that won’t have me feeling heavy in the morning?

TC: I'm afraid you should steer clear of beer. Have fish or pasta with rice. Stay away from the likes of steak and chips, and if you have alcohol, make it wine. How about a nice glass of champagne to toast the great performance you'll put in on Sunday because you showed a little discipline the night before?

How vital is a warm-down after a game? Most of us are only interested in getting to the pub after a match but I seem to be stiff for days afterwards.

TC: I took warm-downs more seriously as I got older and I found that 15-20 minutes stretching and jogging to fight the lactic acid build-up really helped me feel less tight the following day. The fitter you are, the more important a warm-down is.

My coach keeps banging on about us “working on our shape” in training but half the lads can’t even trap a ball. What’s more important for us to concentrate on during training nights: teamwork or individual ball skills?

TC: Teamwork. You can practice ball skills all you like but if your natural talent is limited, there's only so much improvement you can make. But the potential to improve tactically is huge. You see from the professional game how much of a difference being organised can make, even when a team is inferior. What's most important of all is that you enjoy training and matches, because if what you're doing seems like a chore, it's not doing you much good. Structure training so it's fun, whatever you do during it.

I pulled out of a friendly at the last minute because I had a sore throat. The manager replaced me with a girl who promptly scored the winner from 25 yards. Should I hang up my boots now? Should I be banging down the manager’s door demanding a written apology for the embarrassment caused? How do I win my place - and the respect of my team-mates - back and have you ever been usurped by a girl on the pitch?

TC: I'm afraid there's no hope, just the likelihood of more humiliation. I think you might be in the wrong sport. Find another one. Alternatively, try joining a girls' team and see if you're any good for them.

I remember playing in the park in the early Seventies with David Smith, who would turn pro for Gillingham, and his brother, Paul. Their sister was a bit tomboyish and one day she came along for a kickaround. I was taken aback, her ability was a revelation back in the days when no one even considered the idea that women might play the game, let alone be any good.

Playing a friendly for Nancy in Greece one time, a female fan ran on the pitch, took the ball and dribbled at me. I went to tackle her and she went round me with a piece of magic. My team-mates found it hilarious. Fortunately, there weren't any TV cameras...

Send Tony your questions to: sport@timesonline.co.uk

Comments

[EDDIE]

Hi I play football twice a week with my friends. I'm 10 years older than most of them, and probably because i'm older they can get something seeing me play, i always win agaist them for two reasons, experience and i play for the team.
A friend of mine has really good skills but never pass the ball tries stupid tricks and never play for others how can i change his mind? When i play with him i have to run double.....

[Diarmuid]

Tony
Understanding that you were team mates with Stan for a number of years , how on earth could a guy .who played under one of the most tactically displined manager. have managed the shambles than was our last game against Cyprus..... a pub team would have been better organised ?