Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN (NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME): GEMMA ATKINSON
Hollyoaks babe and serial footballer sha**er Gemma is braving the I’m a celebrity jungle. I worry for her, putting those kangaroo balls in her mouth. How will she manage? And I’m sure lying in a pit having snakes lowered on you must be terrifying. Oh, I forgot, you’ve sha**ed Ronaldo.

GOING UP: STEVEN IRELAND’S FOLLICLES
Forget the shorts dropping — what’s going on with his hair? I think his hairdresser has performed miracles. One minute it’s receding, the next he’s got Tina Turner’s armpit sewn on to his forehead. Maybe I should try a weave. Wait there! Fat, goofy, gay, glasses? I might as well get myself a piano and start an Elton John tribute act.

GOING UP: CRISTIANO RONALDO’S IPOD
Ronaldo has revealed what’s on his iPod and, yowsers, it was camper than Danny Larue’s??sp? slingbacks. Ricky Martin, Christina, Leona bleedin’ Lewis! Easy on the power ballads, love. Its all right when you try to seduce the ladies, but mouthing ‘And I-ee I-ee I will always love youuuu oo ou oo ou” into the back of a hairbrush in the changing-room isn’t a good look.

GOING UP: NAUGHTY BOY JOSÉ MOURINHO
Make friends, make friends, never, never break friends. Yes, the Special One had to write an apology to one of his daughter’s classmates after pulling a schoolboy’s hair in the playground. Ahh! He’s overtired, he’s probably had too much pop and wotsits. I’d make José write it again in vest and pants, but I’m dirty like that.

Comments

[John]

I'm a gay man who loves football but I'm afraid Alan Carr is completely un-funny. Being outrageously camp without the accompanying wit is a crime.

Tone it down and get some jokes mate ...