Alan Carr's Topical Barometer

The star of Channel 4's Friday Night Project on what's hot and what's not

GOING UP AND UP: PLAYERS' WAGES
It's all kicking off this week: a player's payslip on the internet, John Terry's "obscene" wages. It's not often you type into Google "Footballer" and "Obscene" and something as boring as a payslip pops up; I mean, I'm sick of Stan Collymore's a*** going up and down in a lay-by.

GOING UP: ENGLAND'S 2018 WORLD CUP BID
Whoopee do! I can really see foreign fans soaking up the ambience of our city centres; well, once they've picked their teeth off the floor and retrieved their berets from the urinal. But the Government says we won't be able to rely on the 2012 Olympic facilities — because they probably still won't have been built.

GOING UP: CIS INSURANCE CUP SEMI-FINALS DRAW
Alex Salmond, Scotland’s First Minister, cocked up this week. He matched up the wrong team with the wrong ball. I wouldn't mind but there were only four teams. No wonder crime figures are all over the place.

GOING DOWN: MIKKEL KESSLER
Poor chap had to strip and urinate to make the weight to fight Joe Calzaghe. I had to do that at Chessington World of Adventures. Apparently my man boobs were such a hazard on the log flume they had to be taped to the rudder.