Hello, Spin Central? It's the Sports Minister here, again

Gerry Sutcliffe, the Sports Minister, today contributed to another pressing debate by calling for an enquiry into the number of foreigners in English football. The man who sagely noted that John Terry is overpaid should not, however, be criticised for his latest announcement. This (unreliable) transcript of a confidential telephone conversation shows he was only acting on advice . . .

"Hello, Spin Central at Millbank call centre. May I take your name? Hello Mr Sutcliffe. May I call you Stuart? I'm sorry, Gerry, I misheard you. How may I help you? Ah name recognition. Yes, Gary. Yes I can see it's a problem.

"OK, let me get this straight. You've been promoted in the reshuffle and no one knows you. I see. I understand, Gerry. Sport. Mmmm. The problem with Sport is it's a short career. Look at Banks and Hoey. Has-beens. Washed up. Moynihan's scratching a living but you must not, under any circumstances, get into that Olympic mess. Stay out of it.

"No, the man you should be looking to emulate is Mellor. A rumour goes around that he wears a football shirt and BOOM! he gets a column in a newspaper. Punditry. That's the way of the future. So you need to get into football. It's perfect.

"I'd suggest saying that players are paid too much. Who's going to argue? Hell, that plays well across the political spectrum. It's the one thing Angry of Tunbridge Wells and ASBO of Toxteth agree on. It's something to have in your pocket if you ever fancy crossing benches, if you know what I mean . . .

"Which footballer? Any of them. Pick one with a good old-fashioned working-class name. Terry something or other. There's bound to be one. The public hates undereducated oiks who are paid big bucks for kicking a ball.

"And foreigners. I was listening to talk radio on the way in and the callers hate Polish plumbers. Any foreigners play football? Doesn't matter if they do or not, because White Van Man knows there are just too many of them in this country taking all our jobs. Shows you've got the common touch. Yeah, football. It's the quickest way to fame and riches.

"Solutions? What's wrong with you? You new to politics? We don't do solutions. Just make a fuss and then play the get-out-of-jail free card: ask for a public inquiry. It'll work, trust me. We do this sort of thing every day. Within a week of spouting off about football, everyone will know your name. Trust me Peter, it'll work. Honest."