Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING UP: DAVID BECKHAM’S BULGE What has he got down those Armani pants? Is it his own Goldenballs? Socks? A prosthetic penis? No, I’ll tell you — it’s Posh Spice. Yes, I’ve scrutinised that photo for days and it is her. What I thought at first was a bit of, er, “hair” poking out the side was actually one of her legs.

GOING DOWN: XMAS SHOPPING This year Christmas shopping has been as flat as Same Difference, the group who came last in the X Factor final, and do you know who I blame — those Christmas supermarket adverts. Would you go shopping if you knew you might bump into Lulu or Alan Hansen or Geri Halliwell — God no. At least with internet shopping you know you’re not going to bump into an overpaid D-lister ramming their trolley up your aisle.

GOING UP: GLOWING CATS North Korean scientists have cloned a cat that glows in the dark. Busy day at the lab, fellas? Cure for cancer? No, I’ll create a fluorescent pussy. It’s going to be confusing when you call the cat in at night, you won’t know if it is one of those new glowing moggies or Dale Winton trying to get through your catflap.

GOING DOWN: X FACTOR I admit it, I wanted Rhydian to win. I know, I know, he looks like that bird out of Roxette on steroids but he had the best voice out of the three.