Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN: SWEET THROWING Scantily clad women dressed as boys, men wearing lipstick and stockings shouting “he’s behind you” — no, it’s not a Premier League club’s Christmas party, it’s pantos and the revelation that you can’t throw sweets into audiences because it’s dangerous. Too true. I remember being in the Countdown audience and someone threw a handful of Werther’s Originals. It was like a scene from Gladiator — pensioner attacking pensioner, blood up the walls . . .

GOING DOWN: POSTCODE SNOBBERY House prices dropping and hopefully an end to this postcode snobbery. You must have heard it. “Where do you live?” “Do you know Chelsea? Well, about 15 miles north of there.” Oh, I see, Watford. It’s pathetic. If you live in a dump, be proud of it. I am. Depending on the estate agent, my house is either Chorlton Borders, Little Stretford or Moss Side Sur-la-Mer.

GOING UP: BORING MATHS LESSONS The Government has said that maths lessons are boring. No s***, Sherlock. One in four five-year-olds can’t do basic sums. God, that’s a whopping 98 per cent. Shocking, isn’t it? Oh p*** off. Do I look like Carol Vorderman?

GOING UP: JOHN DARWIN’S MEMORY John Darwin, what a turn up for the books. Disappeared after leaving Britain in a canoe and ended up in Panama. I’m scared witless — I sponsored him £5 a length. Thank God for amnesia!