Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN: TOY STORY

What a palaver! Tens of thousands of people taking to the streets arguing over a teddy bear. If you think that’s bad, you should have been Christmas shopping in Hamleys this weekend. Jesus, it was bedlam! I escaped only after I t****ed a ginger kid round the head with a Power Rangers lunchbox and threatened to decapitate his sister’s Tiny Tears.

GOING UP: CONDOMS

Oxfam has said this Christmas that it should be condoms not presents on the top of everyone’s shopping list. I’m sorry, but it’s embarrassing enough having to smile at your Nan when you open her lime green cardie with extractable hood, let alone a pack of raspberry flavoured, extended climax, glow-in-the-dark, ribbed rubber johnnies.

GOING UP: FIXED MATCHES

First Blue Peter’s pet names and now Uefa games have been allegedly fixed — is nothing sacred? Uefa is investigating to see which teams have been given thousands of pounds to let goals in and deliberately lose. Madness! It could have saved itself a fortune and employed Steve McClaren.

GOING DOWN: GIRL GROUP HOPE

Did you hear Hope on X-Factor? I had to keep checking outside that there weren’t two tabbies squaring up. They sang 2 Become 1 and to be fair there are a lot of similarities with the Fab Five. Like The Spice Girls, I can see them in Tesco this Christmas — “Price Check Frankfurters check-out 12”.