Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING UP: RODNEY MARSH
He is returning his caps in protest at an Italian managing England. Apparently Capello is so focused he doesn’t give a damn what his critics say. Yeah, only because he can’t understand them. Once that Linguaphone course kicks in and he realises what "w***er!" "loser" and "Die! Mr Spaghetti" mean, I think he will.

GOING UP: LUIGI DE CANIO, QPR MANAGER
He has had to employ a translator because the players can't understand him. Come off it, QPR, it never stopped you when you had Ian Holloway as manager. He made Justin Lee Collins sound like the speaking clock.

GOING DOWN: BRITNEY SPEARS
Britney has been put into a "special needs unit". Look, I know she was thick, but special needs? She was filmed on a stretcher coming out of her house under a sheet. Officers thought she had shaved her head again but had lifted the sheet up the wrong end. Typical Britney, always lip-synching.

GOING DOWN: BARTON INSIDE
Poor Joey was whimpering in his cell. Oh stop it, Joey, bite on a pillow or something. Joey has been trying to get on the good side of his fellow inmates by buying them tobacco, cigarettes and even Ambrosia rice pudding. When I was inside, they used to use that for something else . . .