Beery inquisitor and lady of the lampshade

It was with some reluctance that I decided to partake of the international football experience in a London pub during England’s friendly against France. I am not reluctant without good reason. Many a time, massive tattooed individuals have turned on me just before a vital free kick and slurred, “So whassat Stephen Fry really like, then?” or the ever popular “I bet you practise them introductions, don’cha!”

To ignore these innocent questions is not only rude, but potentially fatal, so I always engage directly with my beery inquisitor and give my answer with a cheery grin, looking straight into his oscillating pupils. Nine times out of ten while this is occurring, the crowd explodes with a scream of “YESSSS!!” Consequently, I don’t think I’ve ever seen a goal in a pub in anything but slow motion. (By the way, he’s lovely and yes we do.)

So why not stay indoors? There is something faintly dissatisfying about lying on a sofa on your own watching football. A modern-day Caligula, you stare impassive, occasionally leaning over for a grape. In the unlikely event that you are forced suddenly to leap up hooting with delight, three things will happen. One, you’ll spill your drink; two, the cat shoots out of the flap; and three, a member of the family runs into the room shouting “What’s happened?”, assuming that you’d stabbed yourself in the groin with a kitchen knife.

Also, if I’m alone watching England, every negative thought I ever had about them comes flooding back. Games grind out like Shakespearian tragedies. But in a pub, hearing the odd positive remark — the occasional “Come on, England!” — my half-empty glass begins to look half-full. Oh, and I get drunk.

Having said that, the most exciting thing that happened on Wednesday was in the middle of the first half when a barmaid smashed a glass lampshade with a mop handle. After the France penalty I left and sat in my car and listened to Alan Green being ridiculed for his French diction by David Ginola on Radio 5 Live. Now that was entertainment ...