Planet Jupitus: Let's hear it for the hip Welsh underdog

Phill Jupitus, a team captain on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and a panellist on QI, is a West Ham United fan and a comedian. There is no connection between the last two facts.

The lack of Premier League attendance in the semi-finals of the FA Cup has sent commentators into a tailspin. Yes, yes I know Portsmouth (or Africa B) are there, but now, writing about football in a quality daily, surely I have carte blanche to bang on about the “big four”. (As a Hammer I can assure you it’s actually the “big 11”.)

The ignominious departure of the multimillion-pound generating clubs led to gales of Schadenfreude-based laughs up and down the land. For we who don’t much care for Manchester United, the only thing more gratifying than seeing them tanked by lesser opposition is watching them lose while having dozens of clear chances and a penalty claim turned down. And the only thing even yummier than that is the spectacle of a glowering Sir Alex Ferguson chewing like a bovine on amphetamines, selecting his angry words carefully during the post-match telly interview.

The approaching dilemma for the FA Cup neutral is that, come semi-final weekend, there's usually one underdog for us to rally round. This time there are three. Which means weighing up who is the underdoggiest of them all.

My money’s on Cardiff, who have the added cachet of hip, sexy Welshness on their side. As I write, a twitchy researcher at BBC Sport is trying to get clearance to use A Design For Life by Manic Street Preachers as a musical bed for the inevitable and predictable “awe-inspiring road to Wembley montage”. Nicky Wire, just say: no.

That also goes for Cerys Matthews, Tom Jones, Charlotte Church, Shirley Bassey, Gruff Rhys, Kelly Jones and Maggot. If you can all agree to knock back requests to use your beautiful music to make their film look cool, they'll be snookered into using Total Eclipse Of The Heart by Bonnie Tyler.

To make your semi-finals weekend go with a bang, why not play “Part-time Phill's patented patronise the Welsh drinking game”. Every time Gary Lineker says “valleys” drink a can of Brains. Whenever he says “plucky” drink a can of SA. If he mentions Ivor the Engine, turn the sound down and put Radio Five Live on . . . Tidy!