Planet Jupitus: Stuff all the cards for the bolshy brigade

I don’t know if you were watching Sporting Lisbon play Rangers in the Uefa Cup on Thursday, but I was fascinated by one particular incident. Rangers had taken the lead on the hour with a beautifully worked goal by Steven Davis and Jean-Claude Darcheville that went against the run of the game. Then, during a flurry of open play, my screen was filled with Rangers’ assistant manager, Ally McCoist.

Now I’m no lip reader, but I could tell that he wasn’t best pleased about something. Why the camera went to him, I’m unsure. The bizarre practices of live football vision mixers is a discussion for another time. The commentary team enlightened me as to what had so distressed dear Ally - apparently Lee McCulloch had been booked for dissent.

Yes, even on the Continent referees have developed thin skins when it comes to the strident outbursts of our favourite petulant millionaires. Javier Mascherano was the first top-flight victim of this harsher enforcement of the letter of the law. But should something that could impact on the result of a match be down to the decision of one official? Surely with something as subjective as dissent there are degrees of seriousness.

Is swearing dissent, or only swearing at the referee directly? Is challenging a decision in clear polite English still classified as dissent? Should one really be sent off for just being gobby?

Also, what about the emotional fragility of referees? Some old hands must let high-octane cursing bounce off their career-hardened hides, but a sensitive newcomer might be brandishing yellows at the first peep of “But refereeeee!”

We all know that players are passionate young men with a selective vocabulary at best. My solution was presented to me during an England match at Twickenham, of all places. On the way into the ground for three quid I was offered a small disposable “ref monitor”, a one-use only FM radio tuned in to the referee’s live microphone throughout the game.

An aggrieved player may think again, knowing that his heated words were being broadcast live to 20,000-odd witnesses. Having said that, I don’t think Premier League footballers would give a toss and it would end up like listening to a rugby match with Tourette syndrome. Perhaps the answer is a fifth official with a swear box . . .

PHILL JUPITUS