Planet Jupitus

I have a question this week. It has been rattling around for a bit and I thought that this would be a good spot to purge myself, so here we go. What does the FA actually do?

I only ask because I opened my paper a few days ago to see that its latest tip-top selection for the England hotseat was about to be called as a witness in a corruption trial. Upon seeing this, my head spun round like a Warner Brothers cartoon character, my eyes shot out of my skull on springs and a klaxon went off.

I went on to read that this story broke almost two years ago, just before the 2006 World Cup finals. Now Fabio Capello maintains he is being called only because his name would bring the prosecuting attorney, Luca Palamara, some kudos. OK, let’s say that’s true. I’m willing to give him the benefit of the doubt, which after the France game I think is pretty bloody generous. He has just been caught up in all this nonsense like a John Grisham character (in a novel in my head I shall call “Key Witless”). So what we have is an ongoing case involving a football agency and unless I am very much mistaken, the “F” in FA stands for. . . football.

So when these administrative giants of the game, these organisational titans, these guiding lights of the sport were seeking a replacement for the panicky strawberry blond, Steve McClaren, I was just wondering: did they Google applicants first? Just in case, you know, something like this might come up. Perhaps it’s not the most obvious question to ask at the interview. After all, it’s a bit rude and would spoil the atmosphere.

But shouldn’t “any chance of you being called as a witness in any major court proceedings?” be considered?I know the maxim is innocent until proven guilty. But it’s not about that. In the past decade four England managers have departed for the following reasons, in no particular order: failure, failure, failure and spiritual meltdown. The time has come that we’d all like to see somebody doing the job without any distractions.

Right, now, about these referees . . .

PHILL JUPITUS