Planet Jupitus: sorry to missit but I did get some drama

It was Saturday morning as I negotiated the bottom loop of the M25 somewhere between junctions seven and eight when a familiar statistic barked out of my wireless. “Around 400 million football fans all over the world will be watching this afternoon’s FA Cup Final.” I gunned the engine, switched lanes and swore loudly. I would not be one of them.

On the scale of social faux pas, missing an FA Cup nestles somewhere between audibly breaking wind at a funeral and eating oysters with a salad fork. It’s noteworthy but not the end of the world. The first time I had to forgo the Wembley festivities was, ironically enough, the West Ham United v Arsenal clash of 1980. I was a Saturday boy for Tesco in Basildon and having just got my first girlfriend, needed money to keep her in bus fares, Cinzano, Pizzaland lunches and Joan Armatrading albums.

I was on wines and spirits and business was predictably brisk. The booze-buying bedlam continued right up until 2.45pm, then suddenly everything in the world seemed to stop. At about three minutes to 3 a whistling, bearded, shirtless man looking not unlike Charlton Heston in Planet Of The Apes strolled in and bought two bottles of Merrydown dry. As he handed over his money he told me the big news: “It’s the Cup Final today!” Open-mouthed, I glanced at the empty shelves, empty aisles and tumbleweed blowing through the checkouts and handed him his change and he ambled off. At 3.13pm a cheer went up in the electrical section. Trevor Brooking had scored. It proved to be the winning goal and later on I celebrated West Ham’s victory by restocking on Hirondelle medium white.

My excuse 28 years later was that I had to attend rehearsals for my first West End play. My fellow cast members’ speeches got faster and they kept glancing furtively at their watches. Some things never change. Later that night I watched the highlights and saw Pompey grind out another trademark 1-0 victory. Well, at least I got some drama on Saturday . . .

PHILL JUPITUS