Prophet and loss, with fewer points than Derby

Well, it’s all over bar the shouting and the still faintly curious spectacle of Cardiff coming to the FA Cup rather than vice versa. So that means once again it’s time for me to open the Phill Jupitus 2007-08 Premier League Predictions envelope to see how “on the money” I was. Every July

I spend three days in a hyperbaric chamber living on macadamia nuts and drinking distilled rainwater to clear my head for this daunting task. Prepare to be dazzled . . .

Steve McClaren to be replaced by Harry Redknapp (half a point). We all knew that he wouldn’t go the distance. However, I was a little wide of the mark imagining that the geniuses in Soho Square would bring Harry’s “half-time bacon sandwiches” approach to the No 1 job. Not when they could hire someone for whom English is a distant third language. Come on, it’s only Harry’s second.

West Ham United to sit in the middle of the table for 90 per cent of the season like a Lib Dem in a cannabis debate held in a fence warehouse (one point).

Sven-Göran Eriksson to change his middle name to “Sony” in a far-reaching sponsorship deal (no points).

Taking a lead from Thaksin Shinawatra, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad mounts hostile takeover of Derby County (no points). Now, be fair, who wouldn’t have wanted to see the zany antics of the Terror of Tehran in the top flight? Despite their relegation, I am given to understand that he intended to go into Europe anyway.

Newcastle United to be managed by powerhouse combination of home-town legends Bob Ferris and Terry Collier (no points). Mike Ashley was deep in negotiations before it was pointed out that his intended appointees were actually fictional characters from a 1970s sitcom.

Chelsea and Liverpool to play each other so often that we all thought we were in the film Groundhog Day (one point).

Alan Green beats Graham Poll to within an inch of his life with a microphone (no points). It’s only a matter of time . . .

Manchester United relegated (no points). I never thought this would happen, but nice to see it in print.

Stoke for the Premier League! Come on you Potters! (one point). I do apologise. Nick Hancock got hold of the list at a gig.

PHILL JUPITUS