Your handy guide to the last-day drama

Chelsea, Manchester United. Manchester United, Chelsea. Who do you want to win the Barclays Premier League title? Tricky. For many fans, the question is, which club do you dislike least? Luckily, TheGame blog is here to help, ish. Just like your parents always said, if you can't decide, make a list of pros and cons.

Manchester United

Pros: Not Chelsea. Have the country's/continent's/world's/galaxy's best and in-no-way arrogant player, Cristiano Ronaldo. The most attractive team (apart from Arsenal, obviously, but they stopped playing in February). Maybe if they win the Champions League too, Sir Alex Ferguson will retire and give somebody else a go.

Cons: Won it last year so it's somebody else's turn, it's only fair. All that extra prize money going to the Glazers; and we bet Malcolm still won't wear a properly-fitting pair of trousers. Volume of title-celebration merchandise shipped from Megastore via plane to core fanbase in Asia would significantly increase club's carbon footprint. Have Cristiano Ronaldo.

Chelsea

Pros: Not Manchester United. Would be a sensational comeback. Jose Mourinho would probably do something hilarious, like claim credit for it. Avram Grant may do something wild, such as hold a press conference where he does not answer questions, only repeating the phrase "I told you so!" and pointing at journalists, over and over. Would mean so much to Frank Lampard after recent events.

Cons: What with all that money, power and relentlessness, it feels a bit like rooting for the Death Star. Style of football is like watching paint dry, after you've spent 10 hours painting, after you've spent 2 hours in a traffic jam on the way home from the DIY store. A triumph for Roman Abramovich, who doesn't even go to the games - where's the loyalty, eh? Would mean so much to Ashley Cole after recent events.

Meanwhile, at the bottom, two more clubs are being kicked out of the Premier League's glittering palace, through its gold-plated gates into the gloomy shanty-town that is the Coca-Cola Championship. Not sure who to support in Sunday's big relegation-o-rama? Here's a helpful (well, maybe) guide.

Bolton Wanderers

Pros: Already as good as safe, so you'd be backing a winner. Ivan Campo's unique hair deserves a weekly showing on national television. They showed immense character to fight back from near-doom. Manager Gary Megson is conducting a bold tactical experiment - picking a team without anyone who is capable of scoring more than 5 goals per decade.

Cons: El Hadji Diouf plays for them (but only for one more game). They treated the Uefa Cup like some sort of reserve-team competition. Gavin McCann is slightly scary.

Fulham

Pros: Little old Fulham, with the loveliest stadium in all of football. It'd be a back-from-the-brink feelgood story, with likeable characters such as the heroic warrior, Brian McBride, and cheeky chappie, Jimmy Bullard. You've got to feel pleased for such a magical talent as Jari Litmanen. Wherever he is. Status and cashflow from Premier League reduces chance of hostile takeover from moneybags QPR.

Cons: Little old Fulham, bankrolled by a multimillionaire of dubious appeal, with such a small and apathetic fanbase that one of the stands has seating for "neutral fans". The neutral zone? This is the Premier League, not Star Trek. Roy Hodgson's survival strategy: sign a load of random Scandinavians. Is that all it takes? Stunning turnaround victory over Manchester City may have got Sven sacked.

Reading

Pros: Marcus Hahnemann, one of the league's most interesting goalkeepers. All those sensational soundbites from rent-a-quote gaffer, Steve Coppell. That wind turbine off the M4 near the ground is novel. Their chairman, John Madejski, invented Auto Trader, making it easier to buy and sell your car. The town centre has a lot of pubs.

Cons: Hahnemann's goalkeeping has been, um, interesting, too. Even if Reading stayed up, you know Coppell wouldn't seem very happy. There would be no excuse for being relegated because they didn't stuff Derby. There'd still be Premiership action at the Madejski Stadium anyway - London Irish play there.

Birmingham City

Pros: You can never have enough Scottish managers in the top-flight. The Second City derbies are always entertaining. Brum have produced impressive performances against the top teams. Mauro Zarate is a great find. Survival would act as an inspiration to the cannon fodder coming up from the Championship in 08-09.

Cons: With Gary Megson and David Moyes, the ginger management community already enjoys fair representation. If you lose to Fulham, you pretty much deserve what you're going to get. Radhi Jaidi's set-piece gamesmanship. The low quality of the matchday catering in the press room (is there any more important issue in football today?).

Comments

[Rob]

"Would mean so much to Frank Lampard after recent events." - Martin Samuel by any chance?!

[stephen]

can they not all be relegated?