Phill Jupitus: The death of the football comic

I’m sure that many of you have dreamt of being called up to play for club or country. Having had neither the ability nor desire to play, I have never been troubled by such heady reveries. But this week I received a phone call that is one of the single greatest honours of my career. I have been asked to do a drawing for The Beano. Yes, a special Comic Relief edition of the country’s most beloved weekly features a smattering of “meeja” types alongside their favourite characters.

In order to find out my choice you will have to invest in a copy when it comes out, but I should warn you, Far Eastern betting syndicates have been turning up at Jupitus Towers with bags of cash trying to throw my selection either to Fatty of The Bash Street Kids or Billy The Cat.

I recently turned up some of the cartoons I did for Fortunes Always Hiding, the Hammers fanzine. As you might imagine, it was hardly the kind of stuff to trouble Jack Kirby in the comic stakes, but it had a certain naive charm. Strips such as Bamber Dexter — Absent Minded Physiotherapist, Geoffery The Referee, Part Time Percy and North Bank Norman’s Did You Know? provided light relief to the embittered, bilious prose that filled the rest of the pages. My cut-out-and-keep Paul Ince doll that you could dress up with expensive suits and wedges of cash was a particular favourite.

Football comics have all but vanished in the computer age; even the mighty Roy Race is confined to an online, if successful, existence (royoftherovers.com). But when I was a boy there were some absolute belters.

Hot Shot Hamish was a Scottish striker with such a powerful foot that he would often propel opposing goalkeepers through the back of the net into the terracing behind the goal, disregarding the fact that the actual force required to do that would kill the goalkeeper almost every time. Raven On The Wing told the tale of a barefoot Petulengro gypsy lad who could run rings round the opposition and in one memorable story, performed an arcane Romany ritual to summon rain at half-time.

Where Graham Poll might stand on the issue of witchcraft, we don’t know. In a game that takes itself too seriously today, such old comics are sorely missed.

PHILL JUPITUS

Comments

[Neill C]

loved the Hurricanes, most impressive was their stadium which was built in the crater of a volcano. They always seemed to solve things in their spare time which is useful.
Their champion spirit is here to stay.

[Dan O'Donnell]

Not a comic, and as I'm only in my mid-twenties, not that nostalgic either but when I was at school their used to be a cartoon called The Hurricanes. The finest international footballers from all over the world playing for one team. What was even better was the national stereotypes that characterised each player.
In one episode the talented Brazilian winger (probably called Pablo, but I don't remember), who could only play with bare feet, had to wear boots as the club had just signed an endorsement deal. Getting beat at half-time and with their Brazilian wonder-kid playing with touch of a trampoline, The Hurricanes looked done for.
Until their crafty Italian defender (quite possibly called Luigi or maybe Mario) thought of a cunning plan... He got out his paint brush and painted the image of boots onto little Brazilians feet in the dressing room (for some reason he wore a black beret while painting), allowing for him to play without boots and of course keeping the sponsors happy. Pablo went on to score a second-half hat-trick and The Hurricanes won.
Brilliant.

[Stephen]

Top Marks for remembering Raven on the Wing, but how could you have missed Nathan Flintlock the Wizard of Football, and his protege Cyril Simpkin of Poorford Town ? Nathan was of course the inventor of the famous Flintlock Flip, a variant of which managed to propel Huddersfield to a an injury time victory over Leeds this weekend.