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Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING UP: RODNEY MARSH
He is returning his caps in protest at an Italian managing England. Apparently Capello is so focused he doesn’t give a damn what his critics say. Yeah, only because he can’t understand them. Once that Linguaphone course kicks in and he realises what "w***er!" "loser" and "Die! Mr Spaghetti" mean, I think he will.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING UP: DAVID BECKHAM’S BULGE What has he got down those Armani pants? Is it his own Goldenballs? Socks? A prosthetic penis? No, I’ll tell you — it’s Posh Spice. Yes, I’ve scrutinised that photo for days and it is her. What I thought at first was a bit of, er, “hair” poking out the side was actually one of her legs.

GOING DOWN: XMAS SHOPPING This year Christmas shopping has been as flat as Same Difference, the group who came last in the X Factor final, and do you know who I blame — those Christmas supermarket adverts. Would you go shopping if you knew you might bump into Lulu or Alan Hansen or Geri Halliwell — God no. At least with internet shopping you know you’re not going to bump into an overpaid D-lister ramming their trolley up your aisle.

GOING UP: GLOWING CATS North Korean scientists have cloned a cat that glows in the dark. Busy day at the lab, fellas? Cure for cancer? No, I’ll create a fluorescent pussy. It’s going to be confusing when you call the cat in at night, you won’t know if it is one of those new glowing moggies or Dale Winton trying to get through your catflap.

GOING DOWN: X FACTOR I admit it, I wanted Rhydian to win. I know, I know, he looks like that bird out of Roxette on steroids but he had the best voice out of the three.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN: SWEET THROWING Scantily clad women dressed as boys, men wearing lipstick and stockings shouting “he’s behind you” — no, it’s not a Premier League club’s Christmas party, it’s pantos and the revelation that you can’t throw sweets into audiences because it’s dangerous. Too true. I remember being in the Countdown audience and someone threw a handful of Werther’s Originals. It was like a scene from Gladiator — pensioner attacking pensioner, blood up the walls . . .

GOING DOWN: POSTCODE SNOBBERY House prices dropping and hopefully an end to this postcode snobbery. You must have heard it. “Where do you live?” “Do you know Chelsea? Well, about 15 miles north of there.” Oh, I see, Watford. It’s pathetic. If you live in a dump, be proud of it. I am. Depending on the estate agent, my house is either Chorlton Borders, Little Stretford or Moss Side Sur-la-Mer.

GOING UP: BORING MATHS LESSONS The Government has said that maths lessons are boring. No s***, Sherlock. One in four five-year-olds can’t do basic sums. God, that’s a whopping 98 per cent. Shocking, isn’t it? Oh p*** off. Do I look like Carol Vorderman?

GOING UP: JOHN DARWIN’S MEMORY John Darwin, what a turn up for the books. Disappeared after leaving Britain in a canoe and ended up in Panama. I’m scared witless — I sponsored him £5 a length. Thank God for amnesia!

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN: TOY STORY

What a palaver! Tens of thousands of people taking to the streets arguing over a teddy bear. If you think that’s bad, you should have been Christmas shopping in Hamleys this weekend. Jesus, it was bedlam! I escaped only after I t****ed a ginger kid round the head with a Power Rangers lunchbox and threatened to decapitate his sister’s Tiny Tears.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING UP: CROATIA’S NATIONAL ANTHEM

Tony Henry, the opera singer, has apologised to Croatia for translating the last line of their National Anthem into “My penis is like a mountain”. Don’t worry, Tony, I’m sure we can all remember the World Cup when Dame Kiri Te Kanawa inadvertently sang during Rule Britannia “My f****’s like a bucket”.

GOING DOWN: EURO 2008

Steve McClaren said in his last press conference as the England head coach that “you have good times and bad times”. Excuse me, when have we had the good times? The only positive thing that came out of England’s defeat is that it shut Rodney Marsh up for five minutes in that jungle thing.

GOING UP: TAKE THAT

It seems only yesterday that I was giving the lovely Take That boys a kiss at the Brits. How could I forget! The boys have said that cannabis is harmless, which I find really worrying — not the drug, it’s just, the last thing Gary Barlow needs is the munchies!

GOING DOWN: HM REVENUE & CUSTOMS

The Government have admitted that they have lost six discs full of everyone’s personal data and that anyone of us could have our identity stolen. I assume the only person safe from all this is McClaren. No one in their right mind is going to pretend to be him this week.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN: SPY RINGS Scotland has accused the Italians of spying on their training session after spotting a suspicious, red-haired man with binoculars watching them. Red hair? I’m no Miss Marple, but how many red-haired Italians living in Dumbarton do you know? Unless he’s tipped a jar of Ragu over his head, I think Scotland’s footballing secrets are safe.

GOING UP: NEWSPAPERS The news that a girl has been born in Bangladesh with four arms and four legs was distressing, but hats off to one newspaper that ran the story showing a photo of the girl with her family. The photo was captioned “girl (second from right)”. Thanks — just in case another four-armed and legged girl had cartwheeled into shot.

GOING UP: WAGES I was horrified to discover the difference between male and female international footballers’ wages. McClaren’s flops get a whopping £150,000 for scraping qualification — hopefully — and the women get £40 a day.

GOING DOWN: DERBY Hi ho, hi ho! No it’s not the sound of a Premier League footballer chatting up a hooker, it’s the rumours that Disney is set to take over Derby. I can see Pride Park as a new Euro Disney, but looking at Derby’s recent defeats, 5-0, 6-0 and 4-1, I think they’ve already got seven dwarves in defence, including Goofy in goal.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not . . .

GOING DOWN (NOT FOR THE FIRST TIME): GEMMA ATKINSON
Hollyoaks babe and serial footballer sha**er Gemma is braving the I’m a celebrity jungle. I worry for her, putting those kangaroo balls in her mouth. How will she manage? And I’m sure lying in a pit having snakes lowered on you must be terrifying. Oh, I forgot, you’ve sha**ed Ronaldo.

GOING UP: STEVEN IRELAND’S FOLLICLES
Forget the shorts dropping — what’s going on with his hair? I think his hairdresser has performed miracles. One minute it’s receding, the next he’s got Tina Turner’s armpit sewn on to his forehead. Maybe I should try a weave. Wait there! Fat, goofy, gay, glasses? I might as well get myself a piano and start an Elton John tribute act.

GOING UP: CRISTIANO RONALDO’S IPOD
Ronaldo has revealed what’s on his iPod and, yowsers, it was camper than Danny Larue’s??sp? slingbacks. Ricky Martin, Christina, Leona bleedin’ Lewis! Easy on the power ballads, love. Its all right when you try to seduce the ladies, but mouthing ‘And I-ee I-ee I will always love youuuu oo ou oo ou” into the back of a hairbrush in the changing-room isn’t a good look.

GOING UP: NAUGHTY BOY JOSÉ MOURINHO
Make friends, make friends, never, never break friends. Yes, the Special One had to write an apology to one of his daughter’s classmates after pulling a schoolboy’s hair in the playground. Ahh! He’s overtired, he’s probably had too much pop and wotsits. I’d make José write it again in vest and pants, but I’m dirty like that.

Alan Carr's Topical Barometer

The star of Channel 4's Friday Night Project on what's hot and what's not

GOING UP AND UP: PLAYERS' WAGES
It's all kicking off this week: a player's payslip on the internet, John Terry's "obscene" wages. It's not often you type into Google "Footballer" and "Obscene" and something as boring as a payslip pops up; I mean, I'm sick of Stan Collymore's a*** going up and down in a lay-by.

GOING UP: ENGLAND'S 2018 WORLD CUP BID
Whoopee do! I can really see foreign fans soaking up the ambience of our city centres; well, once they've picked their teeth off the floor and retrieved their berets from the urinal. But the Government says we won't be able to rely on the 2012 Olympic facilities — because they probably still won't have been built.

GOING UP: CIS INSURANCE CUP SEMI-FINALS DRAW
Alex Salmond, Scotland’s First Minister, cocked up this week. He matched up the wrong team with the wrong ball. I wouldn't mind but there were only four teams. No wonder crime figures are all over the place.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN: THE OFFSIDE RULE Just when I get my head around it they change it again. There I was at my dining table, pepper pot for the striker, salt pot for the defender, Toby jug for Martin Jol. Now he’s gone I’ll grey out the teeth and say it’s Avram Grant.

GOING UP: GARY MEGSON The former West Brom manager has joined Bolton and the fans are ecstatic; well, the Blackburn fans, Wigan fans, Derby fans any fans apart from Bolton’s. Only 2 per cent think he’ll make a positive change. Bolton, you’re bottom, you’ve got five points. Even if he burns down the stand and turns the pitch into a car park, it’ll be an improvement.

GOING UP: CHELSEA It wasn’t just Howard from Take That’s lung that collapsed this weekend, it was Man City’s defence. Ouch! What happened at Chelsea? Six goals — yes, six! Joe Cole got one, Didier Drogba got two, even Andriy Shevchenko got one. Jesus, what was Sven doing — operating a “score one goal, get one free” policy?

GOING DOWN: WEMBLEY Yesterday, Wembley, the home of football hosted an NFL game. Iraq, Afghanistan and now Wembley — they get everywhere. Wembley was to capacity. I’m not surprised — have you seen the size of them? I bet Mary Beth’s bingo wings took up the visitors’ enclosure alone.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN: JOHN HARTSON

As soon as I write that Norwich have the best stadium food, porker John Hartson waddles there on loan. Coincidence? I think not. How is he supposed to lose weight? Delia is the chairman, they have been sponsored by Colman’s. All they need is a drive-thru Greggs by the corner flag and he’ll think he’s died and gone to heaven.

GOING UP: PRINCE WILLIAM

A Villa fan! Yeah, right. When was the last time William was “up the Villa”. And that’s Aston Villa, not daddy’s villa near Capri. He’s the new FA president and was photographed scoring. Unlike Harry it was in the back of the net, not from some dodgy bloke in a Cortina.

GOING DOWN: EURO 2008

Oh dear, we can’t even blame that pitch. Yes it was plastic, but in certain light it looked real. Mind you, so does Dannii Minogue. It’s been revealed that if Steve McClaren is sacked he’ll get a pay-off of £2.7 million. What? £2.7 million for being s***! That’s like making the captain of the Titanic employee of the month.

GOING UP: FOOTBALL FANS CONVERTING TO RUGBY

Grown men pulling each other to the floor grabbing each others balls through their tight, skimpy shorts and they end up being paraded on an open-top bus. When I did it, I got two years in a juvenile detention centre. Get a room!

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: JOSÉ MOURINHO
It was revealed this week that José enjoyed a night of passion with a blonde while serenading her to the sounds of Sting. Ooh! Smooth operator. I can imagine him slipping off his coat, pouring the wine and singing, “Every step you take, I’ll be watching you” — to his reflection in the mirror above his bed.

GOING DOWN: JOHN TOSHACK
The Wales manager says “playing teams like Cyprus abroad puts him and his players in a holiday mood”. Look, love, leaving Wales would put anyone in a holiday mood. As soon as I see Shrewsbury town centre, I’m treating myself to a pina colada and singing D.I.S.C.O.

GOING DOWN: NURSES
Bah humbug! Poor nurses asked Premier League footballers to donate a day’s wages to a nursing charity and some refused. You’re making a big mistake, boys! Can't wait to see you next time you’re in hospital with groin strain. “Nurse, should you really be massaging bleach into my genitals with a scourer? Arrrggghhh!”

GOING DOWN: PLASTIC PITCHES
Good luck England against Russia! You’ll need it with that plastic pitch. C’mon Russia, you’re the world’s biggest country and you can’t grow grass? Our players aren’t used to going 90 minutes on plastic — not since she married Peter Andre.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: SVEN
Ahh bless! Sven’s been doing his bit for the community by attending tea dances up in Manchester. Can’t think of anything worse, can you? Stuck in a room full of old women dribbling is not really my cup of tea, but don’t tell Wayne Rooney, he’ll be round there like a shot.

GOING DOWN: DIDA
Yeah, going down like a sack of s*** after thinking about it for five minutes. You cheating b******, it was only a tap on the cheek, it wasn’t a demolition ball. By the time you’d decided to fall I could have popped down a futon, tucked you in, brought you an Ovaltine and read you a bleeding bedtime story.

GOING UP: NORWICH
At last some good news for Delia, Norwich have made the top three.......errr....best stadium food. I think you need to prioritise, love. We haven’t won in ages, we’re third from bottom, but this coq au vin on a bed of rice in a white wine sauce is positively divine. C’mon, let’s be having you.

GOING DOWN: JOHN TERRY’S EYE-WEAR
I’ve got five words to say to John Terry: “Should have gone to Specsavers.” You should be resting, not running around with what looks like a see-through sanitary towel strapped to your face. Call me old fashioned, but I don’t like people in football wearing masks. Well, unless it’s Martin Jol.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: FOREIGN REFEREES
Lawrie Sanchez, the Fulham manager, said that he wants more foreign referees in the game. Where’s the fun in that? Can you see our fans chanting, "Qui est le w***er dans le noir?" And John Terry asking his team-mates, "What’s Spanish for 'blind twat?'"

GOING UP: GOAL CELEBRATIONS
Ripping your shirts off, heavy petting, groping. C’mon, lads, it’s Match of the Day not Brokeback Mountain. Get a grip. I admit I used to dive in if a goal was scored, hoping to get a quick kiss and fumble; mind you, getting sent off for Rohypnol-ing the goalkeeper was a particular low point.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN - JOSE MOURINHO

See ya Jose! And take your mangy Yorkshire terrier with you. I have no sympathy, at school when it came to football I was called ‘The Special One’ too, did I get a £12.5 million pay off? No, I got dog s**t through my letterbox and my callipers thrown on the roof.

GOING UP - FOOTBALLER AUTOBIOGRAPHIES

Footballers writing their life stories – Wow!  Goal.
Fanny.  Goal.  Fanny.  Bought a Porsche.  More Fanny.
I bet J. K Rowling’s sh***ing herself. I only read Cristiano Ronaldo’s book because of the photos of him in those skimpy shorts, I would have got to the end if the woman in Waterstones hadn’t told me to put my c**k away.
 
GOING DOWN - SEXY FOOTBALL

Cancel all flights, block up the Channel Tunnel, all the hotties are leaving England – do something.
Beckham gone to LA and now Jose’s off to Portugal, where’s all the eye candy gone? 3 o’clock on a Saturday these days looks like chucking out time in Yates. Avram? Arsene? Martin Jol?, I’ve seen more life in a Northen Rock queue.

GOING DOWN - KISS AND TELL GIRLS

There I’ll be opening the Sunday papers and they’ll be a blonde woman in a bikini, on all fours, kissing and telling, ugh! Put me right off my coco pops. Please!

Not on the Sabbath. ‘He went like a train’ ‘He made me feel dirty’ - I’m not surprised you were on your hands and knees in a toilet cubicle love. Classy.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: MIMING

England players, do us all a favour! If you don’t know the words of the National Anthem, don’t try to sing along. It’s embarrassing. Opening your mouth and then closing it in the hope it might match the lyrics isn’t a good look. Micah and Rio looked like a budget Milli Vanilli.

GOING DOWN: SIR ALEX FERGUSON

Poor old Alex Ferguson was attacked by a “homeless fighting drunk” at Euston station. Hmm. I thought Gazza lived in Newcastle. Sir Alex told police that the attacker shouted obscenities, had mottled skin and yellow teeth. Oh come on, Sir Alex, are you sure you didn’t just have an argument with a mirror?

GOING UP: OVERENTHUSIASTIC ENGLAND FANS

Look, I support England like the rest of you, but who are the annoying dicks who take musical instruments to Wembley? Could you be arsed? Wallet, phone, tuba. It’s a football match, not Last Night of the Proms.

GOING UP: THE WOMEN’S WORLD CUP

Good luck to all you “ladies” (c’mon, that goalkeeper made Martin Jol look like Carmen Electra). I’m so proud, using up all that testosterone that I never had. Some of you have gone too far, though. After looking at the Germany team, it’s nice to see Rafa Benítez isn’t the only one experimenting with facial hair this season.

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING DOWN: ISRAEL’S NATIONAL ANTHEM
Gawd blimey! Did you hear it? It sounded like an advert for a pantyliner. She’d give the Wailing Wall a run for its money. Last time I’d heard such a strained noise at Wembley, George Michael slipped a disc singing Careless Whisper.

GOING DOWN: MASCOTS
A grown man dressed as a sheep — please. Just for the record, you’re only amusing when you have a fight with the opposing mascot. Rocky the Robin with Gerry the Giraffe in a headlock — now that’s funny!

GOING DOWN: ALAN HANSEN
Can that man get any more miserable? He’d make the Grim Reaper top himself. Muttering away about how England need a morale boost; it’s you who needs the boost, love. Go on, treat yourself — kick your shoes off, catch a show, have a head massage, stop watching Scotland play.

GOING UP: GARY LINEKER’S TAN
Someone’s been moisturising with Sunny D by the looks of it. When I turned on the telly to watch Euro 2008, I thought: “That bloke’s done well from Supermarket Sweep.” Gary, I hope you haven’t a nasty reaction to the additives in those Walkers crisps. Mind you, judging by your skin, you’ve been bingeing on Wotsits.

Alan Carr’s topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: OWEN’S EXPECTATIONS
Michael Owen has told England fans that “he’s born to score goals”. You’ve only scored once in 620 days — that’s like saying Stephen Hawkins is born to riverdance??cap?, love. Six hundred and twenty days is a long time; what are you trying to do? Outlive the goalie! Good luck with your second goal. I just hope I’m alive to enjoy it.

GOING UP: COMMENTATORS
What an easy job. They’ve got the players’ names on the back of the shirts, they state the bleeding obvious: “It’s a goal.” Even I know what that is. Then when a player says to the ref: “You’re nothing but a f***ing piece of toss” he says “Ooh! He’s not happy about that.” No s***, Sherlock. We’ve seen England play, we know what toss means thanks very much.

GOING DOWN: RAFA BENITEZ’S TACHE
Stop, stop, stop! What are you doing? That facial hair has got to go. You don’t look cool, you just look like a fat Ming the Merciless. I know you want to endear yourself to the Scousers, but you don’t have to start taking grooming tips from them . . . and that’s just the women.

GOING DOWN: ACCIDENT-PRONE ENGLAND PLAYERS
Can they get any more accident prone? Now even Beckham’s injured himself by being pulled down by a Mexican nicknamed “The Chicken” (no it wasn’t a fowl, ha ha). Brought down by a chicken? You’re an A-list footballer, not a pensioner in an Iceland supermarket. Get a grip! We need you.

Alan Carr’s topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: MARTIN JOL’S FACE
Yes, the Tottenham Hotspur manager’s face is going up. Look, are you going to tell him it’s going down? He looks scary, like a cross between a pitbull with haemorrhoids and Lou Beale (is there a difference?). Please win a few games, Spurs, I don’t think his jowls can take any more.

GOING UP: BECKHAM’S JETSETTING
Someone’s getting all P. Diddy on us. Beckham took a private jet last week to two football matches in two days in two different continents. Becks, do you have to be so ghetto fabulous? What next? Popping a cap in the mo-fo’s ref’s ass for a wrong decision?

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: THE FOOTBALL SEASON

As a resident one street away from Old Trafford that can only mean one thing, 5pm every Saturday grown men p****** in my hanging baskets. My busy lizzies can't take it, the steam's turned my washing 'urine yellow' - it looks like I play away for Chelsea, and no that's not a gay euphemism.

GOING UP: PELE

Baggies fans were celebrating this week after West Brom signed Pele. What are you thinking? The man's 87, haven't you seen the adverts, he's got erectile dysfunction for God's sake, he can't even play keep it uppy with his own c***, let alone the ball. Eh? What's that? It's not THAT pele? Ha ha I knew that - next.

GOING DOWN: COCAINE

Cocaine has been found in 25 per cent of all Premier League toilets. I've never seen any proof, the nearest I've come to some 'good s***' was an unflushed log in a disabled toilet at Eastlands and believe me there was nothing good about it. I mean for 40 pound a gram you're best to put some money towards it and buy youself a burger.

GOING DOWN: BECKHAM'S HAIR

Shock! Horror! David was spotted this week at LA aiport with what can only be described as a bald spot and receding hairline, this is known basically in hairdresser speak as getting 'an Alan', I'm flattered, but get your own style, you'll be getting a squeaky camp voice next - oh!

Alan Carr's topical barometer

The star of Channel 4’s Friday Night Project on what’s hot and what’s not

GOING UP: SVEN
Guess who's going wild in the aisle? Yes, Sven. He can't stop spending, he has been whizzing around Europe quicker than bird flu, picking up players for Man City. You go, girl! We've all done it, left home with wallet bulging, desperate for young talent, only to end up surrounded by swarthy men with “little English”. Oh, just me, then!

GOING UP: CHELSEA'S AWAY KIT
José, José, José, what was you thinking with that illuminous yellow colour? Where’s the next away game? Chernobyl? I know it’s wise to “be safe, be seen”, but you play on a great big pitch with floodlights, not in a bus lane. Also, with Drogba's hair, he'll look like a lollipop lady. Sort it out!

GOING DOWN — THEN COMING BACK UP: STADIUM FOOD
Blueurghghhh! Not my words, but those of a fan in the toilet after eating a “burger”. Disgusting! You
wouldn't feed it to a dog. No, because that would be cannabalism. I refuse to eat it. Like most top players, I prefer a “roast”. Mind you, some of them still end up with dog.

GOING DOWN: AMERICANS
“Leave Goldenballs alone, fatties!” Yes, because of David Beckham's dodgy ankle, it isn't just Posh with a face like a slapped arse. Thousands of Galaxy fans haven't seen David get off the subs’ bench yet. One nasty Yank had a banner with “Bench it like Beckham” Ouch! Thank God he can't read.