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Tony Cascarino's football lesson No 11:How to win the FA Cup

My advice to Cardiff City and Portsmouth’s players: if you want detailed memories of the FA Cup Final, buy the DVD. Too many players get caught up in the occasion and blow it. Take the atmosphere in at the final whistle when you’ve won. It’s so easy to let your mind wander.

I’ve known players who constantly look around even during the match, soaking up the atmosphere – “have you seen that banner?” But you can get caught up in it and lose your head – Paul Gascoigne’s reckless tackle in the 1991 Final that saw him hospitalised, for example.

Tony's Fiver

1: Chelsea need Terry fit

John Terry must be fit if Chelsea are to win the Champions League final in Moscow. He has been back to his best in the past six weeks, showing the commanding form that helped him to become England captain.

2: Time to switch on

It is 2008, there is a massive amount of live football on television and we can watch each Champions League match, so why can’t we watch every Premier League game on the last day of the season?

3: Confidence tricks

Fulham’s survival is not down to genius management, more the way that belief can snowball from nowhere. Even the players must have thought that it was over when they went 2-0 down against Manchester City.

4: Money well spent?

Manchester City’s results have nosedived since Christmas. If they had started the season as they finished it, Sven-Göran Eriksson would have been sacked long ago. Is ninth a great return for £50 million spent?

5: Top two pulling away

All the talk is of the gap between the top flight and the Championship, but the two divisions below are increasingly being cut adrift financially. Clubs are releasing huge numbers of players.

Tony Cascarino's football lesson No 10: Anatomy of last day miracles and mess-ups

You get some strange outcomes on the last day of the season. So many times, what seems a likely result doesn’t happen. Fulham will know this better than most because they beat Norwich City 6-0 on the last day a couple of years ago when they were mid-table and Norwich needed to win to have a chance of staying up. Fulham are now expected to beat Portsmouth on Sunday, when if this fixture had been earlier in the season, few would have given them a prayer.

These days, there are so many factors in the mix, so many emotions and different personal situations, that the conditions for a surprise are easily created. Even “safe” teams are volatile beneath the surface. There is never nothing to play for.

Over the past ten or fifteen years, the make-up of teams has changed. As football’s become a squad game, managers whose sides are safe are increasingly using the last fixtures to give fringe players some action or test out promising young players. That has been common in European countries for a while.

It means that even if a team is mid-table and puts out a so-called weak team, they may still impress because it’ll be full of players with a point to prove, players desperate to show their talents, ending the year on a high and forcing their way into the manager’s thinking for next season.

Some players will know it’s their last game for the club and will aim to leave with their head held high; or perhaps not be too fussed if they’ve already signed a deal elsewhere. Some will want to get a win for the fans, to leave them with happy memories over the summer.

I had to play the 1994 FA Cup Final for Chelsea knowing I was being kicked out of the club after it was over. I went to the 1994 World Cup finals worried I was on the scrap-heap because I didn’t have anywhere to go. At Aston Villa, I ended the season not sure if I’d be there in August.

It’s a scary time in the lower leagues, when you might be playing for your livelihood. If you get released, perhaps no one will want you. So you put everything into the last 90 minutes, hoping you’ll do enough to convince the manager to keep you.

The mentality is totally different from the first match of the season. Everyone’s optimistic, if you’re in the team you believe you’ll be there all year, it seems like a level playing field.

Fatigue isn’t a factor when the stakes are so high. When a team is chasing promotion or trying to avoid relegation, players don’t get paralysed by fear, even though they know one mistake could cost everything. The fear of being unemployed overrides everything, so they drive themselves on. You’re not thinking about missing a penalty, your worries are bigger than individual incidents.

Managers can’t change much at this stage. All they can do is try and coax a little more from the players, any way they can – such as telling them their future is secure, just as long as the club stays up. It might be a promise they won’t later keep, but in desperate times…

Tony Cascarino's Fiver

1 Torres recovers? So Fernando Torres came off with a hamstring injury against Chelsea but was in the Liverpool team yesterday for a meaningless match? Still sure the decision at Stamford Bridge wasn’t tactical, Rafa? 

2 Strength over style? British clubs tell kids all the time that they’re not strong enough, but look at Lionel Messi. He’s phenomenal but slender and delicate. Makes you wonder if he’d have made it if he’d been born English. 

3 Getting what you need Blackpool versus Watford was the most predictable draw of the weekend. It’s not that the teams set out to produce a result that suited both clubs, but it’s human nature to settle for what you need. 

4 Top flight and guile Tony Pulis has done an incredible job at Stoke City, but they’re certainties to go down unless he adds guile. Direct, powerful teams get taken to the cleaners in the top flight when their confidence goes. 

5 Envy of Europe The fan base in the Coca-Cola Championship is incredible. Sell-outs at clubs across the division yesterday, with the kind of crowds that top divisions in big European leagues can only dream of.

Tony Cascarino's football lesson No 9: How to play through emotional pain

I don’t pretend to know what went through Frank Lampard’s mind yesterday, or how he is feeling. Everyone is built differently. But for many footballers, playing despite personal problems, a family tragedy or other distractions is not as difficult as some people think.

Death, divorce, depression, legal or money worries - from the outside, it might seem surprising that anyone with serious issues to deal with could be in fit shape mentally to take part in a big game, let alone play well, but often matches come as a welcome distraction.

Tony Cascarino's Fiver

1 Croatian invasion The talented Luka Modric joining Tottenham for a big fee shows how fashionable Croats have become in English football. A far cry from the days when Davor Suker and Alen Boksic were failing to impress.

2 Spitting image Lookalikes — or “spot”, as we used to call a game we played when bored on the team bus: Rob Styles and Brian Kerr, Robbie Savage and Chesney Hawkes, Roy Hodgson and George Cole. Any more?

3 Moral question Do you think that Radhi Jaidi’s gamesmanship for the free kick on Saturday was wrong? Face it, football is riddled with people who exploit loopholes without principles or etiquette. If you want morals, go elsewhere.

4 Drogba is back ... If Didier Drogba had showed the strength and urgency he displayed on Saturday more often this season, Chelsea would be champions. He was a total nuisance to Manchester United’s back four.

5 ... and so is his ego He was a nuisance to Michael Ballack too — but what can you say, Drogba is just daft. As he was wagging a finger at Steve Clarke, I thought: “You’ve got some ego.” But managers take it if a player is doing well.

Tony Cascarino's football lesson No 8: How to start matches sharply

In my early playing days there was little warm-up – or none. A warm-up for Terry Cochran, one of my Gillingham team-mates, consisted of having a fag in the toilets, a couple of quick runs, then kick-off. It was like he wasn’t there for the first fifteen minutes of matches. “I’ll warm up during the game,” he used to say, and he’d be stretching while play was going on.

I’m sure Cristiano Ronaldo was ready from the start yesterday against Barcelona because top teams take warm-ups very seriously. He looked focused. It’s just that no one expects to take a penalty so early. It’s not a surprise that he squandered it – it was a pressure kick in the Nou Camp, after all, and between one in three and one in four penalties are missed. It’s the fact that he put the ball wide that surprised me, and that was probably down to how soon in the game the spot-kick was awarded.

Tony Cascarino's Fiver

1: Plenty in reserve

I bet Roy Hodgson would have preferred Fulham to face Liverpool’s first XI. The squad players’ desperation to impress before the Champions League semi-final was obvious. Even Andriy Voronin turned up.

2: Crouch’s big problem

Peter Crouch looked like he was auditioning for a remake of Land of the Giants in his post-match interview. Stooping with his head inches from the ceiling, it was hilarious. Don’t they have any bigger rooms at Fulham?

3: Tremendous Tevez

Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo get so many plaudits that it’s easy to overlook Carlos Tevez at Manchester United. His workrate is outstanding and he has not started as many games as he has deserved.

4: Mowbray’s masters

I played with Tony Mowbray at Celtic. He had a dry sense of humour and didn’t drink. His West Brom side are almost up and deservedly so — they play attractive football in a division dominated by the long ball.

5: Claret and boo army

The boos at Upton Park on Saturday show just how high expectations are at West Ham. The fans haven’t taken to Alan Curbishley because the football’s not exciting, even though he has led them to tenth.

Tony Cascarino's football lesson No 7: How to cope with end-of-season fatigue

As we approach the end of the season, tiredness is bound to be a factor for players from the Barclays Premier League down to Sunday league level. There’s two kinds – mental and physical – and the first can be more exhausting.

It’s surprising what a tired body can achieve if the mind is fresh, but if you’re mentally shattered, your legs won’t take you anywhere. So try and keep positive and relaxed, though it isn’t always easy.

Tony's Fiver

1: Refereeing perfection

We give a lot of stick to officials, but Howard Webb was superb in the Manchester United-Arsenal game at Old Trafford yesterday. He called everything perfectly - refereeing display of the season. 

2: Get your head on it

Pretty football will not help if you cannot get set-pieces right. Arsenal's wall did not jump for Owen Hargreaves's winning goal. That is basic - not many people take a free kick that goes under the wall, do they? 

3: NHS is a wealth risk

Andriy Voronin complaining about the NHS - how tight must he be? Surely someone who is earning tens of thousands of pounds a week, for effectively warming the bench, can afford health insurance. 

4: Bentley to Liverpool?

It would not surprise me if David Bentley moves to a bigger club in the summer. It is what good players do. He is a team player, which would suit Liverpool, and Rafael Benitez seems to love buying right wingers. 

5 Big Jack's Big Mac

I met Jack Charlton in Rome for lunch last week because he was filming a documentary about Ireland at Italia 90 and where did he want to go? McDonald's. Great to see Big Jack, shame about the Big Mac. 

Tony Cascarino's football lesson No 6: How Arsenal's soft centre is causing them a hard time

The trouble with Arsenal’s spine is that they’re spineless. Their defensive struggles lately are a lesson for teams at any level but there’s a limit to what coaching can do because you can’t teach players to outbattle and outmuscle the opposition. They’ve either got it or they haven’t.

When he joined, Arsene Wenger, the Arsenal manager, was gifted a back four of Nigel Winterburn, Martin Keown, Tony Adams and Lee Dixon and David Seaman in goal. What a contrast with the present defence. You couldn’t imagine Keown and Adams being bullied out of contests like Kolo Toure, Philippe Senderos and William Gallas have been lately.

Tony's Fiver

1: A few good men

It is a testament to Kevin Kilbane that after Damien Johnson’s dangerous challenge on Saturday, the Wigan Athletic player was not pirouetting about trying to get Johnson sent off. There are some honest players and Kilbane is one.

2: Big hand to Bruce

Well done to Steve Bruce. The Birmingham board crossed the line when it criticised him as he left for Wigan, especially after he took a pay cut when the club went down but was not properly rewarded when they returned.

3: Bold is better

I am delighted for Kevin Keegan, one of the few managers who believes that football is about entertainment. With his exciting three-man attack, Newcastle look a different team. Keegan’s bold approach is working.

4: Cup win fits the bill

You can be a success without winning trophies, as Harry Redknapp has shown. But it would be fitting if he won the FA Cup. He deserves it and most would be pleased for him.

5: Safe landing required

Parachute payments are eaten up when you have big wages and crowds drop to 10-12,000. That could be Bolton’s fate if they are relegated and not challenging next season.

Tony Cascarino's footballing lesson No 5: when a penalty is not a penalty, and vice versa

I can understand why people think penalties should be given when a player goes down under minimal contact, as was the case when Dirk Kuyt tangled with Alexander Hleb when Arsenal faced Liverpool in the Champions League quarter-final first leg.

But I don’t understand why people get so worked up about individual incidents when the real issue is the inconsistency of decisions when you look at the bigger picture. If you’re going to give a penalty for Kuyt on Hleb (not a spot-kick in my opinion), there should be another ten per game because every time a corner or free kick is sent into the box there is contact between defenders and attackers that is no different.

Tony's Fiver

1: Even I scored against Gallas, he has to go

Arsène Wenger needs to drop William Gallas. I’ve lost count of the number of times that the Arsenal captain has been given the runaround by big forwards.

Even I scored against him — twice — for Marseilles.

2: Benítez needs to start picking the big man

Liverpool will never win the title again if Rafael Benítez keeps playing Fernando Torres up front on his own. Peter Crouch should have started yesterday. Benítez got it wrong — again.

3: Managers must keep private lives private

I have a lot of time for Paul Jewell, but what was he thinking? I don’t believe that a manager’s personal life has any bearing on how he does his job, but Paul is in very hot water.

4: Adebayor’s suffering Samson syndrome

What has happened to Emmanuel Adebayor? Since he had his hair cut, his power, pace, touch and composure have gone out of the window.

5: Long-ball football is just not Premier class

Stoke City and Watford take note. Route-one football may get you to the top of the Championship, but it’ll put you bottom of the Premier League.

Cascarino's football lesson No 4: why do managers go defensive when they are in front?

Last night Avram Grant showed why he’s an apprentice manager. Can you imagine Chelsea under Jose Mourinho throwing away the lead three times in a game – including a two-goal advantage?

Substitutions are now the biggest input managers have during a match and like Claudio Ranieri before him – and indeed Martin Jol at Tottenham Hotspur – Grant doesn’t make the right calls at big moments.

With five on the bench for league games, rising to seven next season, a manager’s job is tougher. He really can make a huge difference during the match and he’s got a back-up for every position. So when he makes changes and they backfire, like at White Hart Lane last night, there’s no hiding place.

Tony's Fiver

1: Bolton wonderers

Gary Megson resting his players in the Uefa Cup — I don’t get it. There is nothing better for keeping players fresh than the confidence of a win. And look what happened: Bolton lost in Lisbon and his first team lost to ten-man Wigan.

2: Sold down the river

Bolton have made big mistakes this season. Selling Nicolas Anelka is probably the biggest. They got £15 million for him, but they’ll lose £30 million if they go down. And how can you hope to stay up if you cannot score?

3: Torres gets top marks

I have not seen a Premier League striker with as many attributes as Fernando Torres. He can do just about anything. Dimitar Berbatov is brilliant, too, but Torres is quicker and hungrier.

4: Value added attacks

I was sceptical at the big fees Liverpool spent on Torres and Javier Mascherano, but they look great value. After all, Andriy Shevchenko cost Chelsea £30 million.

5: Lawnmower men

It is the latest fad — players baring their torsos. They will be showing off tattoos on shaved chests next with celebrations where they mime cutting their chest hair with lawnmowers.

Tony Cascarino's football lessons: No 3, how to score penalties - Everton and Tottenham Hotspur take note...

I got good at penalties towards the end of my career - in my last year in France, I scored six out of six. It’s about practice and judgment. Forget hit and hope - you can really enhance your chances if you’re prepared to work at it, and the confidence that comes from taking kicks in training and running up with a plan will really add to the likelihood of beating the goalkeeper.

First, I don’t recommend a short run-up. Jermaine Jenas missed like this for Tottenham yesterday. You can’t get enough power, so if a ’keeper sees where you’re placing the kick, he’ll save it.

There isn’t one ideal place to aim for, no “right answer”. I varied my kicks - sometimes down the middle, sometimes high, sometimes low. I made my decision by looking at the ’keeper. If he was very tall I would go low because I figured it would be harder for him to throw his big frame to the ground.

If he was agile, I went for power, figuring that he would be able to save the shot if it wasn’t struck fiercely even if it was placed in the corner. If you’re the number five taker in a shoot-out, look at what the goalkeeper has done for the previous four kicks.

Tony's Fiver

1: Logic does not apply

I have spent a long while conducting in-depth analysis of exactly how the weekend’s shocks in the sixth round of the FA Cup came about. So, do you want to know the explanation? I have not got a clue.

2: Just be yourselves

Credit to Barnsley for not compromising. They did not try to adapt for Chelsea — they played their own game and kept two strikers up front. Plenty of top-flight teams should take note.

3: Grant’s time bomb

What does it mean for Avram Grant? Out of the two cups they won last year, Chelsea must be odds-on to finish without a trophy — and that could mean the end of the Israeli’s tenure as first-team coach.

4: Am I bovvered?

Fabio Rochemback was outstanding for Middlesbrough yesterday — out standing while Cardiff City were running. The lack of hunger from Middlesbrough was shocking.

5: Striking a pose

Alan Curbishley claimed last week that top teams play with one up front. Not usually — and their strikers are not there to head the ball backwards, as they do at West Ham United.

Tony Cascarino's football lessons: No 2, big fish in small pond or bit-part player

Each week, our expert, Tony Cascarino, will react to a real-life issue from the professional game and relate it to the rest of us. His first lesson focused on the importance of time-keeping following Liam Miller's problems at Sunderland. This week, he discusses whether it’s better to be an occasional player at a big club or a regular in a smaller side.

Tony's Fiver

1: Cream allowed to rise

Chelsea thrash West Ham United with three players left out of the Carling Cup final starting XI on the scoresheet. Shows what can happen when a manager picks the best team and does not try to accommodate.

2: Spurs are pared back

We talk about Dimitar Berbatov and Robbie Keane as key men for Tottenham Hotspur, but their 4-1 defeat by Birmingham City shows what happens when Jonathan Woodgate and Ledley King are absent. They are an essential pairing, too.

3: Big ‘if’ for Keegan

They lost again, but for the first time Kevin Keegan deserves credit. Newcastle United looked good against Blackburn Rovers but lost 1-0. They will stay up if they play like that every week. A big “if”, of course.

4: Fast and furious

I have heard the argument after Eduardo da Silva’s injury that Martin Taylor went over safe limits like a speeding driver. It is illogical — there is no speed restriction on the pitch; the faster the better in general.

5: The longest day

Saturday’s trip to the Aran Islands for the Craggy Island Cup was one of the longest days of my life. The boat went up and down like a rollercoaster. I felt like a character in that George Clooney film, The Perfect Storm.

Tony Cascarino's football lessons: No 1, time-keeping

Each week, our expert, Tony Cascarino, will react to a real-life issue from the professional game and relate it to the rest of us. This week, Tony discusses the importance of time-keeping after Roy Keane, the Sunderland manager, transfer-listed Liam Miller because he kept turning up late for training.

Should William Gallas be stripped of the Arsenal captaincy?

Tony Cascarino believes William Gallas should be stripped of the captaincy. What do you think? Vote below.

It was good to see that Arsène Wenger issued a retraction after his harsh comments about Martin Taylor. Now the Arsenal manager should do another: “I regret handing William Gallas the captaincy at the start of the season and I have taken the armband away from him and given it to someone more suited to lead a title-chasing side at a critical point of the campaign.”

Players who think the team revolves around them wind me up more than almost anything. Saturday’s game against Birmingham City should have been all about the sad injury to Eduardo da Silva, but instead Gallas is hogging much of the spotlight after his behaviour when Birmingham were given their late penalty.

The defender’s becoming a liability, a laughing stock. He’s 30 years old, not 3. I don’t know what the players will make of his antics within the camp, but they can’t feel good about it. Gallas has developed the habit of berating his teammates when they make a mistake, waving his arms theatrically, pulling all sorts of faces. Players hate it when they are shown up publicly like that. The crowd might have missed a mistake, but when one of their teammates makes a song and dance at them, it makes them look bad.

And what is a captain’s job? The exact opposite. To encourage and improve those around him, to squeeze more out of the team. Especially at moments when things are going badly. That’s when you need the captain to be an inspirational leader more than any other time. Gallas? Thinking only about himself, not what the team need. The excuse that he was traumatised by Eduardo’s injury doesn’t wash with me. It’s his responsibility to cope with that.

It’s not like Saturday was a one-off. His behaviour was poor at Old Trafford the week before, at White Hart Lane in the Carling Cup and he messed around in the centre circle for a while after the final whistle when West Ham United scored a late goal to beat Arsenal at Upton Park last term. Then there was the messy way he left Chelsea in 2006 – remember that unproven, bizarre business about the alleged threat to score an own goal? He could cost Arsenal the title. Not only is he failing as a captain, but as a player. Lately, he’s been caught wandering out of position and been given the runaround by opposition strikers. He’s playing badly so he’s trying to deflect, pointing the finger at others, wandering round with a sulky attitude. Arsenal are short at centre back but his continued presence in the lineup could be detrimental.

Wenger’s judgment is normally brilliant but he’s got this one completely wrong. One option is to put the captaincy on the line: lead this team properly or you’re out. Another is to give the armband to someone better equipped to lift the players. Either way, Gallas is acting like a spoilt brat who needs to be put into line.

Martin Samuel also had something to say on the matter today. "Gallas should not have been let back into the dressing-room after his self-indulgent show on Saturday", said The Times Chief Football Correspondent.

So what do you reckon? Vote now.

Opinion Polls & Market Research

Tony's Fiver

1: Reading fail to draw on goal reserves

Reading: one goal in their past five games. Leroy Lita: five goals in his past two games for Reading reserves. And we wonder why Steve Coppell’s side are in the relegation zone.

2: Keegan’s DIY efforts lack good foundation

All that you can criticise Kevin Keegan for is deciding to rebuild Newcastle United in the summer, when the team are struggling so much that they needed new blood in January.

3: Ronaldo enjoys being an unmarked man

That said, why didn’t Newcastle man-to-man mark Cristiano Ronaldo on Saturday? Too many stars to handle? Silence one. It worked for Lyons last week; they got an athlete on him.

4: Has Gazza reached the bottom line?

They say you’ve got to reach the bottom before you can start your recovery — hopefully the past week marks the lowest point for Paul Gascoigne.

5: Ways to spark a French revolution

Pascal Chimbonda and William Gallas: Frenchmen with issues of self-control. Must be the culture — my French wife stalks off when I ask her to do the dishes.

Keep fit, dodgy barnets and Jekyll and Hyde - Tony Cascarino has all the answers

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

What are your views regarding playing Saturday and Sunday football? I play at Suburban league level on a Saturday and park football on a Sunday, and also train Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday (for both respective clubs). I also do CV and weight training at least three times a week in the gym. As I am approaching my forties do you think this excessive and thus potentially lead to long term physical damage? Sam, Middlesex

TC: I don’t think it’s excessive or damaging if you do it regularly and have been for a while. You should listen to your body and assess whether it’s the right level of exercise for you, but if you’re feeling fine, I don’t see why it’s a problem. Going suddenly from doing a little to a lot – that’s a problem. But what you’re doing is now normal for you so your body has adapted to the workload, although as you get older it’s obviously more difficult to keep it up. Going from a lot to a little too quickly is also dangerous, in my opinion. Sportspeople are told to keep fit for five years after they’ve retired because going straight from exercising every day to doing nothing is bad for the body. Within 18 months of retiring I’d put on three stone!

Where's the best place to put a penalty, Tony, top corner or bottom corner? And do you have to keep switching sides - surely a perfect penalty will beat a keeper even if he knows where it's going? Matt, Biggleswade.

TC: A perfect penalty is one that goes in the net, whether you’ve mishit it or struck it perfectly! High or low, doesn’t matter; I preferred low because I thought it was harder for the keeper to get down quickly, and it’s more difficult to be accurate when you’re aiming for the top corner. I’m not convinced by the idea that a “perfect” penalty will always beat the goalkeeper. If he’s agile and quick enough he could still get it, especially if he “cheats” a bit by moving before the ball’s struck. At the top levels of the game, penalty takers have to vary their kicks because there is so much video evidence available and preparation is so thorough. So if a taker has a clear tendency to favour one corner, the chances are that a top keeper will know about it. Even more important than where you put the ball is that you don’t change your mind once you’ve picked your spot. Decide where you’re going to aim for and stick to that plan. A lot of the weak penalties we see that end up near the middle of the goal are because the kicker is racked with indecision.

Hi Tony - I've got a big, bushy perm and look a bit like Ryan Sidebottom, the England cricketer. My headers rarely go where I want them and I think it is because of my hair. Should I get it cut or am I being daft? Rico, Birmingham.

TC: Have you just arrived in a time machine from the Seventies? Kevin Keegan’s a manager now, not a player, you know? Lop your mop off, though if your technique is right then you should be able to head properly even with a big barnet. Make sure it’s not simply a case of you not knowing how to head properly before you blame your hair. But at one point in my career I had quite long hair and it kept getting in my eyes, which was why I had it cut.

Hello Tony, my Sunday team were 4-0 up at half-time a couple of weeks ago but we coasted the second half and ended up hanging on for a 4-2 win. I read them the riot act after the game. Is it only natural to ease off when you are in control or should you keep pushing for more goals? How do you stay focused? Bill, Bristol.

TC: It’s natural that people relax in that situation when the job seems done. You’ve got to let them know it’s not acceptable to take their foot off the pedal like that but don’t forget to talk about the positives – you won the game and the first half performance was great. Players don’t like it if their manager only seems to pick holes. Mix positives and negatives in team talks.

Hello Tony, I am a happy-go-lucky bloke, popular at work, whose persona totally changes when I get on the football field. Four people in the office made observations about my nasty side having seen me play five-a-side last week and I am worried I might get a reputation as a bit of a psycho. I don't feel I am badly behaved, but others see it differently. Any thoughts? Graham, Virginia Water.

TC: I knew quite a few players in my career who were Jekyll and Hyde, whose personalities totally changed when they crossed the white line. I don’t know how you can change somebody’s make-up if it’s who they are. It’s down to them. While you don’t think you did anything wrong, you seem to be firmly in the minority so maybe you should take a hard look at yourself. It’s a fine line between being competitive and being over-aggressive. But don’t risk falling out with your colleagues – football’s not your job, it’s supposed to be a bit of fun. Remember where your priorities are because if your job suffers you’ve got a problem.

Tony's Fiver

1: Rooney gives Gallas another run-around

What’s happened to William Gallas? He looked a liability again on Saturday, being given the run-around by Wayne Rooney just as Robbie Keane and Dimitar Berbatov did in the Carling Cup semi-final.

2: Is it possible that Wenger’s a bad loser?

Arsène, your team showboats every week, playing keep-ball — and we love it. So don’t be a bad loser, take it on the chin when it happens to you like it did at Old Trafford.

3: Chelsea reminded of the Lampard effect

Without kicking a ball, Frank Lampard’s become a worse player — because Chelsea have thrived without him. But Saturday was a reminder that his goalscoring wins matches.

4: Bravery makes James the player that he is

David James has been linked with a move to Spurs. James is in great form and makes so many mistakes only because he makes so many brave decisions.

5: Kaboul’s diet may be catastrophe for Spurs

Younès Kaboul, the Spurs defender, was pictured eating a burger. One of my former coaches at Marseilles called English food “une catastrophe”.

Being a mascot, computer game addiction and more, Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Hello Tony, I was watching telly last week and saw Billy the Badger, the Fulham mascot, break-dancing on the pitch during the match against Aston Villa. I quite fancy having a go at that - how can I become a Premier League mascot - do you have to go to college and do you have to buy your own costume? Robin, Lincoln.

TC: How am I supposed to know?! Becoming a mascot was never an ambition of mine, funnily enough. All I can suggest is phone the clubs and ask if there’s a vacancy. I imagine it’s not a paid role. Maybe you should start at a Coca-Cola League Two club and try and work your way up the divisions. Think of an original costume idea, maybe they’ll go for it!

Tony's Fiver

1: Direct action

The loan of Henrik Larsson was a massive factor in Manchester United winning the title last season and not repeating the trick could cost them this time. John Carew’s hat-trick for Aston Villa showed the value of direct players.

2: Physical failings

With forwards, it is not purely about goals but options. Manchester United suffered against Manchester City because they lacked a physical presence to unhinge a defence that has been torn apart by big strikers.

3: Security breaches

One team always collapse from mid-table security and it looks to be Reading. Do not bet against Newcastle United joining them because they are so bad defensively. There is confusion there on and off the pitch.

4: The ire in Ireland

Stephen Hunt, of Reading, rowed with Lee Carsley at Goodison Park on Saturday. International team-mates at each others’ throats: we wonder why Ireland are struggling.

5: Another think coming

Lucky that Chelsea-Liverpool was not the 39th game. Imagine travelling to Los Angeles or Singapore only to play like that. The locals would rethink their love of the Premier League.

Office rivalry, boot envy and more, Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Hello Tony, all my mates in the school team have expensive football boots and they poke fun out of me because I wear a pair of hand-me-downs that used to be my brother’s. I think they might have even come from Woolworth’s. Should I pressure my parents into buying me a new pair (they’re not rich), or how can I get over my inferiority complex? Ronnie, Anglesey.

TC: Players love the latest fashions and trendy, expensive equipment. If you’re not cool you’re always going to suffer at the hands of jokers. But perhaps there’s an issue here that’s being deflected on to your boots: if you were playing really well in them, would you be mocked? If your feet were doing the talking on the pitch, the comedians might be quieter and you wouldn’t have an inferiority complex. So try and focus and up your performance levels.

I sometimes took a bit of stick from team-mates about the boots I wore – I only cared about them being comfortable, I wasn’t fashion-conscious. And I was superstitious, so if I was scoring in a pair, I’d want to keep them. All in all I’d try and get a new pair. Maybe you could buy them yourself by getting a part-time job if you’re old enough, or do the housework for your parents as compensation for them buying the boots.

Tony's Fiver

1: Some strange deals on deadline day

Rasiak to Bolton, Baros to Portsmouth and Reid to Sunderland — but even weirder was the lack of activity at Newcastle, especially after yesterday's draw. They could sink into danger.

2: Best commentary of the weekend

From a radio reporter at Portsmouth’s match at home to Chelsea on Saturday: “Ashley Cole’s getting a lot of stick, but you expect that when you play away from home.”

3: Where do you play Alan Smith?

Up front, I suppose, is best, but his scoring record is poor. Michael Owen does need a physical partner and so does Jermain Defoe now he is at Portsmouth.

4: Juande Ramos’s biggest achievement?

Getting more out of Jermaine Jenas. He has more freedom to get into deep areas and be a threat, hurting teams, as for Tottenham’s goal on Saturday.

5: Why no Robert Green in the England squad?

It is a harsh omission. So is the absence of Aaron Lennon, who was injured and then went missing earlier in the season. He has been on fire lately.

Loose lips, taking free kicks and more, Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Hello Tony, one of our players has been booked six times this season, five of them for mouthing off to the referee. It is, frankly, an embarrassment and we all cringe each time it happens. The bloke never seems to learn, and it is costing him a fortune in fines. What’s your position on giving lip to referees and how can we stop him doing it? Mick, Galway.

TC: Do you play for Chelsea? Seriously, in my experience you can’t stop cocky players mouthing off. You tell them to stop but the penny just doesn’t seem to drop. All you can do is take the mickey out of him, give him some stick and let him know he’s not even smart enough to realise he’s being stupid. Then he’ll argue back, of course. Giving lip to referees never does any good. Sometimes we crack in the heat of the moment, it’s the way we are, our genetics. I did it on the odd occasion and got a couple of early baths.

Tony Cascarino's fiver

1: Nigeria go Dutch

Nigeria are the Holland of Africa. Lots of talent but totally undermined by attitude problems. No togetherness, too willing to throw in the towel — they’ve already lost to Ivory Coast and drawn with Mali in the African Cup of Nations.

2: Mido’s big impression

All that weight the Spurs players have lost — it’s been transferred to Mido, their former striker. Looking at him on Saturday at Mansfield, he’s a huge player for Middlesbrough — and not in a good way.

3: Three Lion in wait

I’ve seen a lot of Dave Kitson and if the rumours that he’s set for an England call-up are true, it’s deserved. He’s playing well and it’s good that Fabio Capello seems ready to pick based on form not reputation.

4: Fortune favours brave

I liked that Havant & Waterlooville had a go at Anfield. They were so fearless that you wonder if they’d bet on themselves at 60-1 to take the lead.

5: Spurs’ new ‘Sicknote’

Jonathan Woodgate’s decision to move to Tottenham ahead of Newcastle is a sign of his ambition. And Spurs have needed a new “Sicknote” since Darren Anderton left.

Agony uncle Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, returns this week in his role as an ambassador to the  footballing challenged. Today, the key issues that get the Cascarino workover (or is that stepover) include: how to get a wall back ten yards, how to avoid embarrassment in front of one's workmates, how to get into coaching and what is wrong with near-post corners.

Remember, there is still time to fulfil that footballing dream - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Hi Tony, OK, this might sound a bit strange, but here goes. This coming week, I am due to be playing in my office's five-a-side team. I have all my kit, and I am raring to go. However, there is only one problem. I'm 25 now, and I haven't played a competitive match of football since I was eight. I ended up being kicked out of my under-nine's side for not being good enough. Now, I love football, so I jumped at the chance to play, but already I'm getting really nervous about it. I really want to play, but I'm worried about letting the team down. Basically, I'm asking for advice on (a) how to calm the nerves down and (b) not make too much of a prat of myself during the game.
Many thanks.
Peter Henn, Basildon, Essex.

TC: How can you be so nervous about an office kick-about? If you’re getting a complex about that, I worry for you! Treat it for what it is, a bit of a laugh, for bragging rights that will soon be forgotten. You’re only 25, there must be a good few of your colleagues who are in much worse shape than you.

During the game, hang in there and do your best – if you’re having a bad game, have a stinker. Keep demanding the ball and never give up and you’ll win respect. Or feign an injury. Come off with a twisted sock or a collapsed backside.

Tony's Fiver

1. Bolton’s style proves a cure for insomnia

I have not seen a more boring team than Bolton. Overload the midfield, everyone behind the ball when you lose possession. It is all about denying time and space. They look like drawing every week.

2. Ignore fans’ desires, Kevin, pick your own

Why should Kevin Keegan feel obliged to talk to Alan Shearer if there is a problem between them? He should not let fan sentiment dictate. If Shearer is not right, forget it.

3. Quick-profit investors seem sure to grow

We will be needing transfer windows for clubs next. With owners viewed as short-term investors looking for quick profit, as is the perception at Liverpool, buyouts will increase.

4. Wenger heading in the right direction

Two headed goals by Emmanuel Adebayor show Arsène Wenger to be tactically adaptable after years of people saying Arsenal know only one way to play.

5. Scratching of heads over Ferguson anger

Sir Alex Ferguson bizarrely ran a couple of yards and made an aggressive gesture after the second goal against Reading. What got him so pumped up?

What do you think? Join the debate at timesonline.co.uk/football

Tony Cascarino solves your footballing woes

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Today uncle Tone tackles such thorny issues as whether refereeing is an admirable profession, how to rediscover lost confidence and whether to go for glory or take the cash.

Remember, there is still time to fulfil that footballing dream - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Hello Tony, I’m 15 years old and it’s suddenly dawned on me I’m not going to be good enough to play football professionally. I love the game and desperately want it to be part of my life, so am thinking what about if I took up refereeing? How do you get started, how do you get noticed to progress quickly as a ref (eg. do you have to make a name for yourself sending people off) and do you think I am daft?
Mike, Mitcham.

TC: First, I should point out that at 15 I didn’t think I’d make it either, but I was a pro at 19. You’re not daft to want to be a referee but you need to be aware that it’s an impossible job that will at times depress and upset you. Are you tough enough? All the abuse and stress has got to be water off a duck’s back. Before you think about qualifications – and the FA should be able to help you there – you need to make sure your personality is right. You progress by making good decisions, not by making loads of sendings-off. It’s a hard job but it can be enjoyable – good salary, lots of perks. Why not?

Tony's Fiver

1 Manager unlikely to be lured to Tyneside

Mark Hughes would do a good job at Newcastle United, but he has his heart set on managing Manchester United one day and, if I was him, I would not jeopardise that dream by going anywhere near St James’ Park.

2 Reds green with envy as Blues bag Anelka

Liverpool supporters must be cursing Gérard Houllier for not signing Nicolas Anelka. Never mind, Chelsea have got one of the best strikers in the world, you’ve got Andrei Voronin.

3 Time must be up for blundering Robinson

Paul Robinson should have been dropped by Tottenham Hotspur ages ago. Spurs need to buy a new goalkeeper and if that upsets Robinson, so be it — he’s made too many mistakes.

4 Next stop Europe for Villa under O’Neill

Mark my words, Aston Villa will be playing in the Uefa Cup next season. If Martin O’Neill spends wisely, Villa will be playing in the Champions League soon.

5 Terrace taunt can’t be pleasant for targets

Fans, stop chanting “you don’t know what you’re doing” at managers and officials. Imagine what it feels like to hear 50,000 people shouting that at you.

Defending set plays, veterans football and more, Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Today our Tone once more shows his versatility, tackling among other things, when to make the move into the veterans game, controlling the ball on your chest and coming into the professional game late.

Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Tony's fiver

1: Wenger helps new striker find form

How does Arsène Wenger do it? In his early matches for Arsenal, Eduardo da Silva looked a lightweight little boy lost. Now he is providing a real threat up front and is banging in the goals.

2: Luton have only themselves to blame

Why should Liverpool give Luton Town their share of the gate money from their FA Cup match? Luton’s financial woes and mismanagement is not Liverpool’s fault.

3: Benítez a long way behind title rivals

All that expensive talent on the pitch and Liverpool scored only once against Luton. What is Rafael Benítez doing? Unlike Ferguson and Wenger, he just does not know his best team.

4: Everton loss sends a message to managers

Everton’s defeat by Oldham Athletic shows the importance of first-choice players. Even the best teams can struggle when their key men do not play.

5: Introducing limits can help better the game

Here is a way to make football more competitive. Forget about salary caps, limit appearances. Tell clubs that no one can play more than 40 games a season.

New year football problems solved by agony uncle Tony Cascarino

The new year is always a fine time for taking a step back and putting all areas of one's life in order and that goes for on the football field as well. Who better to help you realise your potential and take that first step towards fulfilling the long-held dream of playing professionally in the Barclays Premier League than Tony Cascarino, the world's first football agony uncle?

Remember, Tony is extremely versatile and able to tackle questions on just about anything as long as they are football related. All you have to do is drop an email to sport@timesonline.co.uk remembering, please, to include your name and to put Ask Tony in the subject field. This week's questions appear below.

Hello Tony, my missus plays in goal for a local women's side. For my sins I go and watch her home and away every week and try to do my best to encourage her as much as I can. The other day she came to me after a particularly poor display and asked me how I felt she could improve. Tony, I didn't know where to start and it was very hard to look her in the eye. My question to you is this, having also caught quite a bit of the recent women's World Cup: why do the fairer sex make such poor goalkeepers and have you got any tips for my dear wife to improve on her game? Please note: I have had to change my name otherwise she will throttle me when she sees this.
Martin, Macclesfield.

TC: Maybe you should encourage her to throw in the towel then take up the game yourself so she can come and watch you! Women goalkeepers… well, how about you chucking pillows at her in the bedroom and her trying to catch them? Or maybe you could throw a few cups at her in the kitchen.

Tony's Fiver

1 Fingers pointing in the wrong direction

Why point the finger at the referee for allowing Chelsea’s offside goal on Saturday? The referee’s assistant deserves the blame. He is in the best position and the referee has to respect his judgment.

2 Are Van der Sar’s gloves too big to fill?

Manchester United need a new goalkeeper. Tomasz Kuszczak, the deputy to the ageing Edwin van der Sar, is erratic and nervous. Time to enter the transfer market.

3 Hodgson will need to wheel and deal fast

Lawrie Sanchez was allowed to sign so many players that Roy Hodgson will have to sell as fast as he buys next month. Sanchez bought British, his replacement will presumably look to Europe.

4 Will we ever learn our lesson about fitness?

Why do British players need to be told not to put on weight and not to go out partying? Foreign players instinctively know how to behave.

5 Berbatov finally adds guts to his guile

Good to see Dimitar Berbatov with fire in his belly on Saturday. Will it continue? He has the talent to be a winner, not just a fine player.

Tony's Fiver

1 Bulgarian needs bite

Dimitar Berbatov has more ability than Dennis Bergkamp, the former Arsenal striker, but the Tottenham Hotspur forward lacks that bit of nastiness that gave Bergkamp his edge. So how badly do you want it, Dimitar? How big is your heart?

2 Hats off to Moyes

Everton lost yesterday but if anyone can break into the top four it is them. They might not win anything so David Moyes is unlikely to get the manager of the year award, but he has done a hell of a job.

3 Warnock knows ropes

Sheffield United and Neil Warnock parted company when they went down, which was daft. Few are better at producing promotion contenders and his Crystal Palace team are now in the top half of the table.

4 Price of failure

Lawrie Sanchez spent a lot of money and Fulham have two wins all season. So no surprise he was sacked. Double figures in Premiership departures by the end of the season, you reckon?

5 Promotion too far

There must be eight to ten strikers who were prolific in the Coca-Cola Championship but now can’t buy a Premiership goal. Kenwyne Jones looks like he belongs; not many others do.

Weight loss, shooting technique and more, Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Today our Tone once more shows his versatility, tackling among other things, losing weight, how to improve your shooting power and whether it is okay to wear gloves during a match.

Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Dear Tony, I've been told I need to lose some weight to get back in the team and one of my coaches has recommended wearing bin bags when I go running. He says it worked for Gazza. My mates say I should just cut out the booze but what kind of a Xmas would that be? Got any better ideas for shifting pounds? I've got a couple of weeks off work so I should be able to get down the gym.
Neil Richards, Bolton

TC: It looks like you have a foot problem: your feet keep taking you to the fridge. Forget the bin bags, you need a balanced diet – and I don’t mean a cheeseburger in each hand. Train more, eat less – or more healthily – it’s the only way. Don’t go on a strict diet and starve yourself, just be sensible and pick and choose the moments when you have a few beers. If you’re having a dessert, go for fruit instead of chocolate éclairs. 

I used to put on weight easily when I was injured or not training hard enough and I found that the only way to shed the excess was to train hard and be disciplined. And if anyone says “you’ve put on weight”, borrow a line from WC Fields: nod your head sadly and say: “Yes, it’s true. I used to be 7 pounds 2 ounces.”

Tony Cascarino's fiver

1. It’s a funny old game

Isn’t it funny how massive lows so often follow incredible highs? Emile Heskey, a national hero after helping England to beat Russia at Wembley, got injured again on Saturday. Nothing has gone right for him since September.

2. Facing former friends

Cesc Fàbregas crunching into Ashley Cole yesterday — why? I know from experience that when you go back to your former club, you risk being clattered by former team-mates who want to impress the crowd.

3. Pie in the sky blues

After tipping Manchester City to struggle this season, I’ve been hiding behind the settee when the results come in. Fair play to Sven-Göran Eriksson — and I’m preparing to eat a massive slice of humble pie.

4. Derby are doomed

Paul Jewell’s got to look to August, not May. There’s no hope for Derby County, so the manager must not waste money next month. Prepare for next season’s promotion campaign.

5. Talking double Dutch

Interviewers don’t make it easy for foreign players. Yesterday one talked about “plucking” the ball away to William Gallas and Gaël Clichy. Their English is decent, but give them a break!

Bullies, becoming a star (or a journalist) and more, Tony Cascarino solves your football problems

Tony Cascarino, the world's first agony uncle, is here again this week to solve all your footballing woes. Today our Tone once more shows his versatility, tackling among other things, how you should deal with a bully on the football pitch, how to get yourself discovered by the Premier League's elite and, if you're not good enough, how to end up doing the next best thing, working for The Times.

Remember, there is still time to save that footballing career - email your problems to Tony at: sport@timesonline.co.uk Please put Ask Tony in the subject field. In the meantime, the latest problems solved are listed below.

Hi Tony, I play five-a-side every week in a regular League, and as you can imagine, the speed of the game is like lightning. I'm the weakest player in our team, and I really need to work on two aspects of my game: improving my first touch, and linked to this,  improving my awareness of what is going on around me when the ball arrives at my feet. A  lot of the time I seem to just switch off when the ball arrives, which I'm guessing is down to a lack of confidence and let's face it, ability (I have started playing again after an absence of 5 years). Can you recommend any exercises/drills to help me improve in these areas? Thanks for your help.
Ted

TC: So you’re aware of your lack of awareness! That’s different from switching off which is usually a sign of laziness, a lack of mental discipline. What can you do? Keep moving – when you’re static, you’re like a light that’s been flicked off.

Tony Cascarino's Fiver

1 Playing the Villa way puts Arsenal at a loss

Will 45 minutes at Villa Park last week define the rest of Arsenal’s season? Middlesbrough and Newcastle United took a leaf out of Aston Villa’s book — do not let Arsenal play, make it an ugly game and they are vulnerable.

2 Crisp attacker is worth his salt

Tuncay Sanli, the Middlesbrough forward, typified his team’s work ethic against Arsenal. He was like a crisp packet in the wind, moving all over the pitch in every direction.

3 In the mix, United come out on top

Arsenal had key players missing and at the start of the season Manchester United were indifferent without Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo. But United can play and mix it.

4 Ferguson in a fizz as rivals’ bubbles burst

Sir Alex Ferguson should have cracked open the champagne, with Arsenal and Liverpool losing and Didier Drogba, of Chelsea, out for two months.

5 Why do some fans let down the side?

I played for Villa and I know how good their fans can be. So it is a shame a minorityabused Harry Redknapp. They should applaud his achievements.

Football's best (and only) agony uncle, Tony Cascarino, answers your questions

Tony Cascarino returns today to put the footballing world to rights once again. As always, this week's subject matter is rich and varied, covering such things as how to turn a bunch of fancy Dans into a team, what to do about that Sunday League prima donna and should you abstain from sex the night before a big match?

As always, if you have a question or moral dilemma about your own game or football in general, please email Tony at sport@timesonline putting "Ask Tony" in the subject field.

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Hi Tony. In your opinion, is it possible to start a pro career at the age of 23?

I've been playing football all my life and even went to some youth academy, but was never allowed to take the game seriously by my 'intelligentsia' parents. And now, after having graduated a bachelor degree in economics, worked in many fields and currently doing some post-grad studies, I see football, that is pro football, as my only fate.

Where I live, it's almost impossible to get into the world of football not knowing a few 'influential' people, so maybe it would be better to try something exotic like New Zealand, or go to some lower divisions of, say, Belgium or Portugal? I know, it all sounds really weird, but with my love to the game and self-believe, it's not that impossible... at least, to me. Thanks.

Tim from Moscow, Russia

TC: Fifteen years ago I wouldn’t have said it was too late. Now, anywhere in the world, clubs are looking for kids, not twentysomethings. Clubs get letters and emails all the time from nutters – and I’m not saying you’re one – who claim they’re the new Ronaldo. So they are suspicious of those without decent CVs. I don’t know what level you’ve played at but without any sort of CV you will have to start with a trial at a tiny amateur club because the bigger sides won’t look at you.

You could rise from amateur to pro level in a year if you’re good enough but you probably won’t get spotted because clubs don’t send scouts to watch 23-year-old men – they are watching teenagers.

As you say, going to a country where the standards are lower but you can still scrape a living might be a good plan. It might not do you any harm to BS a little – enhance your CV, if you know what I mean. Give yourself a lift up the career ladder. If you told a club in New Zealand that you were semi-pro in Russia, they would be more likely to take a look at you, and unlikely to check. And if you turn out to be good enough, they won’t care if your lies are exposed later on.

I like your self-belief, though countless times in my career I saw players in your situation with huge confidence who turned out to be hopeless. But what do you have to lose? Good luck!

Tony's fiver

1 - What price to pay for a fallen star?

A report yesterday said that Andriy Shevchenko could go for £12 million in January, but who would pay that for him? A loan where Chelsea pay part of his wages is the only option, which shows how far he has fallen.

2 - Taking a move in the wrong direction

I am surprised Paul Jewell took the Derby job after turning down a return to Wigan. Derby are doomed, Wigan have a better squad and more money. What was he thinking?

3 - Not even Ronaldo can match Kaká class

Kaká is a worthy winner of player of the year. Cristiano Ronaldo has been brilliant, but the AC Milan star is as good a midfield player as there is in the world. And at 25, he is young.

4 - Woodgate is just not making the grade

The talk is of Middlesbrough’s weak attack, but at the back Jonathan Woodgate is not living up to his reputation. He looks mediocre and lightweight.

5 - It’s the same old story at St James’ Park

Newcastle will keep conceding goals by the hatful because Sam Allardyce has bought bad defenders. They were not up to it in the inferior French league.

Football's first agony uncle, Tony Cascarino, solves your problems

Tony Cascarino is here once again with his weekly fix of whatever ails you in any area of the Beautiful Game. Technique, tactics, mind games, physical fitness, the ball is firmly in your court. If you have a problem, our Tony is on hand to put it right, free of charge.

Simply email him your questions at sport@timesonline.co.uk remembering to put "Ask Tony" in the subject field. Meanwhile, your latest batch of problems is solved below.

As a Scotsman living in England I watched the England defeat with my mates and saw them experience the pain and heartache us Scots are now used to!

After the match we realised that none of the home teams have qualified, and although a home international has been mentioned, we thought a good alternative to Euro 2008 would be a competition between England, Ireland, Northern Ireland, Scotland and Wales. I'm sure fans of all these nations would relish such a competition and it would be a good chance for the teams to compete rather than have a series of friendlies.

What do you think Tony?

Richard, Newcastle Upon Tyne

TC: Sounds good in principle, fans would love it, but I’m not sure the players would be committed. Lots of pullouts for “injuries” would devalue it. It certainly wouldn’t be treated with the respect the home internationals used to get. Managers would have to let it be known to players that the games will influence their selection policy for the World Cup qualifiers. But I don’t see them doing that. So I like the theory but I don’t see it working well in reality.

Tony's Fiver

1. Pay up or shut up

I am sure Liverpool’s American owners wish players could be traded as they are in the United States, but you have to spend big and they did say they would give Rafael Benítez everything he needs. What he needs most is owners with a better knowledge of football.

2. Croatian child’s play

Great comment by Tony Gale, who said England’s performance against Croatia was like Runaround, the 1970s children’s game show hosted by Mike Reid. Steve McClaren’s tactics: “Runaround . . . now!” And the kids charge off in all directions.

3. Stocks for Becks?

You get the feeling that booing just isn’t medieval enough for some fans. If England don’t reach the 2010 World Cup finals, perhaps we could have a few Super Sunday Stonings? Stick them in the stocks, live on television?

4. Don’t blame sweet FA

The FA doesn’t deserve to be blamed for everything allegedly wrong with English football just because it appointed Steve McClaren. Brian Barwick mustn’t blunder again, but he’s allowed one mistake, isn’t he?

5. Missing in action

John Terry and Ashley Cole play 90 minutes for Chelsea, only three days after not being fit enough for England? Surely they could have played for at least an hour at Wembley and what a difference it would have made.

Tony Cascarino, agony uncle, solves your footballing problems

If you are having problems on the football pitch, there is only one man to turn to. Tony Casca