Puff the magic vending machine

We have an old saying in The Times Tokyo bureau.

Fool me once: shame on you. Fool me twice: shame on me. Fool a vending machine: fun for the  whole family!!

So Fujitaka and a few other tech companies are getting behind a project aimed at stopping young Japanese smoking. Laudable, I grudgingly suppose...

Attitudes to smoking in Japan do hurl out some truly extraordinary phenomena. I'm particularly fond of the rules that ban outdoor smoking in certain districts of Tokyo - centred mainly on Minato, Chiyoda and Chuo-ku. The genius is that, despite draconian restrictions on smoking in the streets in those areas, it is perfectly acceptable to smoke indoors.

Hence the recently observed oddity at the splendid A971 bar (click here for a truly lamentable official homepage) in Tokyo Midtown - a spot where the gin flows like water and a couple of rogues from Lehman Brothers tend to drunkenly pick up the tab.  They have a lovely little terrace onto which hedge fund managers, money brokers and the type of ladies who find such things appealing spill out when the weather is clement. But try to light an al fresco cigarette, or enjoy a nice Partagas under the stars and the outdoorsy idyll is shattered. Insanely, the staff actually ask you to come inside to smoke, so that Minato-ku by-laws are not broken...

But, as ever, the Japanese instinct to over-engineer everything has marched triumphantly onto the scene. After years of quite astonishingly liberal views on these things, cigarette vending machines are to have achingly high-tech age-recognition software installed in order to prevent the under-20s getting their hands on Japan Tobacco's evil products.  It is actually rather impressive. I went to Kyoto to see Omron's version of this software and it was able, within less than a second and using a standard digital video camera, to guess my age correctly.

But come on. Surely this is where the fun begins.

I think - even for those of us over the age of 20 - it should become a matter of honour to fool the  machines as often and as hilariously as possible. With masks. Crazy masks.

My anarchic pal Teal'c has suggested carrying around a life-size photograph of the face of Roger Moore, and holding that up to the vending machine to establish one's age.

I like the idea of doing the same with the face of Mother Teresa or perhaps Bob Monkhouse just to see how sophisticated the software really is. Perhaps it sells you particular brands based on what you look like. Mahatma Gandhi disguises might get you a packet of Peace. Come as Clive Dunn and it sells you 20 Woodbines. Come as Stan O'Neal and it sells you a box of Hope. Come as Chuck Prince and it sells you a carton of Craven.

One wonders whether it would vend fags to someone covering his face with a life-sized photograph of Yoda, the 900-year old Jedi Master who, I believe, smoked 40 Johnny Player Specials a day...

Of course, if the software gets really sophisticated, vending machines could become fantastic traps for lying celebrities. Just engineer a situation where some starlet claiming to be, say 28, was strolling past a machine, cram their faces up to the screen and their deception will be exposed in cold, digital readout. Bleep-bleep AGE: 36... SALE PERMITTED. Ha ha! Take that, wrinkled idoru...

Imagine what one of these babies would make of that notorious snap of Liza Minelli's wedding. Bleep-bleep DOES NOT COMPUTE...FREAKSHOW DETECTED...CUT POWER PLEASE...MERCY

Al

Comments

[matteo]

you forgot to mention that vending machines selling fags operate untill 11pm, to prevent youngster from buying cigarettes...after 11pm. Which is stupid, since most of the teenagers are home by that time.

[Andrew Milner]

"Fool me once ..." Sure George, whatever.
I lived in Japan (mostly Tokyo) through the '70s, '80s, into the '90s, and Japanese social engineering was and is influenced by UK. For instance, the smoking ban on the Underground following the fire was soon repeated in the Tokyo Subway. Smoking in the street was effectively banned when a smoker accidentally poked a kid in the eye with a lighted cigarette. A lot of cafes have at least a partial smoking ban. One thing with a highly disciplined society, government says "You do not smoke", everyone stops smoking. A smoking society is a socially backward society. Not a fan, you can tell.
Yokohama, Japan

[Aragoto]

In less than a hundred years the country has gone from letting children buy kiseru full of rough shag from street vendors to preventing them from doing so using technology inconceivable to their forebears. Here endeth a thumbnail socio-technological history of modern Japan.

[Colin G]

Andrew Milner,

How many posts do you make in an average week?

[Andrew Milner]

Colin G,

What's it got to do with you?

Freak.

[Ben Canon]

I love the idea of spoofing vending machines - go to the first vend machine and get your id card, then on to the next to get your beer, then on to the next for your smokes!

[Alice]

I wonder if any of you have seen this?

http://www.geekologie.com/2007/10/japanese_lady_produces_unique.php

There'd be no fooling that vending machine, crazy masks or no.