T'was the night before G7 and all through the house...

So Japan is playing host to the meeting of G7 Finance Ministers this weekend. The table is laid for a fairly tedious chinwag, with little in the way of solid decisions likely to arise. If somebody uses the "R" word, things might perk up a bit, but meanwhile, Urban Dirt wonders if the conversation at the Kantei tonight is going to run something like this...

PM Yasuo Fukuda (to aide): Oh bloody hell. Bank holiday weekend, perfect powder snow up at Nisseko  and we've got all the ruddy finance ministers flying in tomorrow. I sometimes wonder why we're members of G7 anyway. Nobody gives a fig what Japan thinks any more. They just come for the sushi and the chicks.

Eiji the Aide (nervous): Problem, Sir?

PM: Could be. These foreign buggers seem to know a lot about finance, for a start. A damn sight more than we do, anyway. Don't be fooled by that sub-prime stuff, Eiji my lad. They're credit-mad nutters out there, but none of them has yet screwed an economy as comprehensively as we can. Housing collapse? Our prat of a land minister has got a trick that makes SIVs look like shining beacons of stability...

Eiji: Shall I call the Disaster Prevention Agency and get them to fake-up an earthquake somewhere in Aomori, Sir? Might give you an excuse to get out of town...

PM: No, no. Better face this G7 charade like men. But Christ. Paulson and Darling are going to be a handful. Our guys don't stand a chance. I mean, those slack-jaws at the Bank of Japan can't even tell whether the price of tofu is rising or falling. Thank god the French aren't going to be strutting around like they saw all this coming. You know, I should probably give old Copperfingers a call and congratulate him on now being responsible for only the second worst trading scandal of all time. Still. This G7 thing could be pretty bloody embarrassing. I mean, it was only two months ago we were warning everyone about asset bubbles. Better get that cretin Nukaga in here to brief me.

Eiji: Right away, Sir. Do you want me to tell the chef to put gyoza on the menu? They are your favourite...

PM: Oooh. That's an idea. Paulson's not going to be quite so chipper if he's heaving dinner up all over the place. On second thoughts. Er, no, best stick to something less controversial. Tell the Antarctic fleet to fry-up the freshest whale they can muster...

(Later)

Finance Minister Nukaga: Sir?

PM: Ah Fukushiro, nice to see you. Pop quiz. What do we think of shareholder capitalism today?

Nukaga: Shareholders, Sir?

PM: Yes, yes. Hurry up. I need an answer.

Nukaga: Bastards, Sir. Unconscionable bastards. Don't deserve to have money, let alone dividends. Greedy sods seem to think corporations are all about returning profits to the people that own the companies and making money for pension funds. It's all dangerous, revolutionary subversion, Sir. Nasty business, stock exchanges. Ought to be stamped out. Am I right, Sir?

PM: Ah. (winces) Not this week, Fukushiro. You see, a couple of weeks ago I was telling all the people at Davos...

Nukaga: Davos, Sir?

PM: It's abroad, Fukushiro. Anyway. I was telling the foreigners that we actually quite want them to invest their money in Japan, and we're going to try to make our markets more attractive.

Nukaga: Ahahahahahahah. (weeping) Brilliant, Sir. Ahahahhahahh hohohohoho. Ahhh. Priceless...

PM: It's not a joke, you dunderhead.

Nukaga: Yes, Sir. (pulling himself together) I see. So this week we think shareholders are...

PM: Not evil, Fukushiro, just another part of the global economy's rich tapestry. A force to be accommodated and encouraged, rather than stabbed to death by those boss-eyed maniacs at Keidanren. I was chatting with the chaps over at Nippon Life, and they seemed to think it was probably a bad thing if all the foreign shareholders pulled out of Japan because they think we're a laughing stock. And when I say "we", of course, I mean you, Fukushiro. The thing about shareholders is they have lots of money, you see...

Nukaga: Sir. We have lots of money. A trillion dollars in foreign exchange reserves last time I looked.

PM: Yes, I've been meaning to talk about that...

Nukaga: Sir?

PM: We should turn some of it into an actively managed fund.

Nukaga: (spluttering) You mean like they have in...(sniffs) ..."developing" countries.

PM: Yeah. You see this is the kind of thinking that worries me. With all these clever G7 ministers in town somebody is bound to notice that Japanese policy-making is actually more backward than most supposedly developing countries. If my ridiculous cabinet doesn't pull its finger out, Pyongyang stands a better chance of becoming a global financial centre than Tokyo....

Nukaga: Well, Sir. (proudly) I think I have the solution.

PM: (wary) Hmmm?

Nukaga: Sir. Can I borrow Y300,000?

PM: I'll ask my wife. But go on...why?

Nukaga: Well. We get all the other G7 ministers in a room, right? Fill 'em up with some sake - hey, we can use that barrel the Emperor gave you - and get Akiko and the girls from the secretarial pool to really butter them up. You know, laugh at their bad jokes, and massage their egos...

PM: Er...

Nukaga: Then we take them down Roppongi and get everyone into one of the tables at the back of Tantra. A few more bottles of splosh, a shot or two of Mexican fire-water, three private dances apiece with Blanca and Nikita  and those guys are going to be clapping us on the back and telling us what a fantastic place Japan is.

PM: It'll never work.

Nukaga: No - here's the amazing thing. It will! There are these guys called money brokers, see... 

 

Comments

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hurrah. fake quake in Aomori. you made my night Leo, mentioning where I am writing this from.