I am Spartacus! I could be the BoJ Guv'nor....

So with the possible exception of that daft old chestnut about used knickers in vending machines, it is extremely hard to remember a time when Japan has looked more internationally ridiculous.

Not, I hasten to add, that you would know it from the lunchtime news. Item#1 (on all the channels) was  some psychotic woman in Akita getting a life sentence for killing her daughter a couple of years ago. Item#2 was that The Central Bank of the World's second biggest economy HAS NO GOVERNOR. Item#3 was Mitsukoshi Department store's purchase of a wooden sculpture at a New York auction. Right. Right...

Sorry, what was that second item again?

Oh yes. In the middle of what is shaping-up as the mightiest financial crisis since the Second World War, the central bank of a country that gave the world the yen carry trade, billions in Samurai bond issuance, and whose INDIVIDUAL investors hold $1 trillion in overseas assets does not have anyone on the bridge. The government of Yasuo Fukuda could fall over this one - at the very least there will be righteous calls for old dunderhead's  immediate resignation. All that is perfectly in order, but there is the somewhat more pressing matter of who should be in charge of the Bank of Japan while the world goes to hell in a hand-cart.

With so many valid candidates to choose from, I am genuinely surprised that the government has nominated such an obvious collection of incompetents. Here is the Urban Dirt selection, with their odds of hitting the big time in Nihonbashi...

Doraemon: In many ways the perfect candidate. No troublesome background at the Ministry of Finance,  and a feline of impeccable moral fibre. Everybody's favourite robotic cat from the future, and already a cultural ambassador for Japan. Has a magic pocket from which he can produce endless tools with which to fix the 22nd Century financial problems of the current young generation of Japan. The Fed has Ben "Helicopter" Bernanke, why shouldn't the BoJ have a guv'nor with an actual propeller? He's a cartoon character, you say? Now what the hell difference is that going to make...? Odds 2/1

Kazuko Hosoki: In many ways a tubby, irritating, old bigot with altogether too much television exposure and a voice that would drive Gandhi himself to violent protest. But as Japan's most famous soothsayer, she does make the dubious claim of being able to foresee the future, which, you have to  allow, would be useful. I say "dubious" chiefly because she was confidently predicting the extraordinary future business triumphs of Takafumi Horie three weeks before he was arrested and his business was utterly obliterated. Nevertheless, a clear choice with solid cross-party credentials - as a soothsayer, she has been equally useless to both the LDP and the DPJ. Odds 5/1

Yoshio Kojima: an entertainer of predictably short shelf-life never knowingly spotted with his clothes on. Something of a long-shot this chap, but a robust "housewife's choice". Unclear whether he would be, at heart, a hawk or a dove but who on the Monetary Policy Committee is really going to vote against a man in swimming trunks dancing on the desk and repeating a tired "comedy" catchphrase and pointing vigorously towards the floor...? Odds 100/1

Hello Kitty: Business genius. Internationally recognised. A veteran of the World Economic Forum-type networking beanos and a slick schmoozer in Washington and Beijing. Long experience in international finance and known from recent policy statements to be in favour of an aggressive return to a normalised interest rate environment. Broadly in favour of currency intervention where necessary and a safe pair of paws during a financial crisis.  Lacks a mouth, but then, given the sort of nonsense previous guv'nors have spewed out, that may not be a deal-breaker...odds 33/1

Gyarusone: a very plausible nominee this little minx, principally because of her ability to out-eat all challengers. Seriously. This extraordinary creature is only 23 and built like a mouse yet seems able to beat anyone in a volume eating competition. It really is mesmeric to watch. Name your challenge - noodles, hamburgers, ice-cream, whatever - and she can eat more of them than you can possibly imagine. Uniquely well placed to understand food-price inflation and consumption patterns. Not absolutely clear that she could navigate the politics of international liquidity injections, although she does know a thing or two about lemonade-drinking competitions... Odds 33/1

Pikachu: Yellow; electric tail; squeaky; spawned a $50 billion global industry. Knows more than a thing or two about forex risk, having made more money in US$ and Euros than in Yen. Would protect the independence of the bank of Japan with regular lightning bolts from his backside and capable of fitting back into a small cricket-ball sized container when the going gets really tough (press conferences, MPC meetings etc). Odds 50/1

Haruhiko Kuroda: President of the Asia Development Bank, acceptable to both the government and opposition parties. An old BoJ man himself with a really credible background in international finance. Come on, though, this is Japan...odds 10,000/1

Comments

[Ash]

Fascinating insight into the deep connections between poilics and anime in Japan. A beacon in these dull days of reportage.

[Nobby]

Yoshio Komura odds should be slashed (or is that lengthened?) as he is a graduate of Waseda Uni thus fitting in with the old boys club ethos. Bringing in Hard Gay would be my choice

[FOARP]

Gotta be Godzilla, Japanese banks need a hard-hitter who won't take 'no' (or even 'nuclear strike') for an answer. Being possessed by the souls of Pacific war dead he would certainly be inclined to strike an independent path, the fact that he has flame-thrower breath might be a bit of a problem though . . .

[Alojamiento Londres]

Japan has always adopted a somewhat unorthodox method to everything they do. They alays seem to ull it off somehow! Lets see how this one pans out!

[MacNara]

A bit late to comment on this I'm afraid, but since there's still no governor today (9th April): HelloKitty has no chance. As is well known, she was born and brought up in London, and you might think her experience in the City would count in her favour. However, there's no chance of a foreign governor. Or even a 'returnee' if she qualified as such. Or a female. Or a communist (well, she seems a bit keen on pink to me).