An Aso goes to Washington

Well done indeed, Japan. Your economy is in abominable retreat, your public hates your government with the heat of a billion stars and your finance minister has been forced out of power in what, for legal reasons, we probably have to describe as a "liquidity crisis".

And yet, somehow, Taro Aso has managed to blag, on Japan's behalf, the absolutely best ticket in town:  next week he will become the first foreign leader to visit Barack Obama's White House. It was Hillary's invitation, by the way, which means it is just possible it represents her revenge for, well, Obama winning the Democratic nomination and all that...

And as the Great Aso prepares to ride his donkey to Washington, we can only wonder aloud at the sort of conversations that may be going on in the Oval Office

President Barack Obama (leaning back on chair finishing whispered phone conversation with his broker)...that's right, Chuck, I said sell everything - Toyota, Toshiba, NTT, I just want my portfolio the hell out of Japan. What? Oh OK, maybe keep a little bit of Mitsubishi Heavy in the bag, we never know when we're going to call on those guys to build us some nukes.

(The door opens and the president's Chief of Staff strolls in)

Obama: (startled)....er, er and as I was saying Mr, er, Enkhbaya, God bless the people of Mongolia! Yay. Yup...yup...yup...OK, bye. Yup...bye.

(looks up nervously at C.O.S) Sorry, you just can't get that guy off the phone.

C.O.S: (looking mildly sceptical) Um, right sir. Anyway, sir, I think that may be a wrap for today. There is just one thing (checks down his list of memos)...Hillary seems to have invited the Japanese prime minister over for dinner here next week.

Obama: Great! Great! Great news. That'll be great. Japan. Yeah. Great allies. Firm friends of America. Sure, sure. (Slightly flustered) Er, who, um, who's running Japan this week?

COS (Checking his memos) um, let me see here...oh yes, Aso. Taro Aso.

Obama: Aso! That's right.  And why are we so keen to have him round in the White House next week?

COS: Uh, because sir, we're not altogether sure he's going still be Prime Minister the week after that. You see, this is one of those very rare, golden opportunities with Japan when we actually know who the prime minister is at any given moment. We have to seize the moment, sir.

Obama: Yes. Yes, I can see that. But if the guys in State are so sure he's going to be forced out of power any minute now, what's the point of inviting him here?

COS: Ah. (Checking another memo) Er, Sir, I've gone through every memo on Japan that State has sent us for the last 20 years and it seems there has never been any actual point in having the Japanese prime minister over here. (Checks again). Ooops. Sorry Sir, there was one time when your predecessor took Junichiro Koizumi to Graceland.

Obama: What was the point there?

COS: Well Sir, I think it was felt by the press guys in the White House at the time that George W was looking a bit ridiculous on the international stage, what with the old "Mission Accomplished" doodah and nobody being able to understand a word he was saying.

Obama: (Chuckling) Heh, heh...best predecessor a president could ever ask for...

COS: Well, quite, sir. Anyway, they got wind that if George took Koizumi to Graceland, the Japanese PM would cavort about like a lunatic, dancing, dressing up in Elvis shades and such like.

Obama: Right...

COS: ...and next to that, even George W looked statesmanlike, cool-headed and refined.

Obama: Genius. But, don't you think, given everything you say, that we need to keep the Japanese PM's visit in the back pocket for when we REALLY screw up?

COS: ...hmmm. I see your point. Still. It's done now. He arrives on Tuesday.

Obama: (Resigned to his fate) OK, OK, I guess there's never going to be a shortage of ridiculous new Japanese PMs who haven't yet been to the White House. What do we have to talk about with this clown?

COS: Well sir, obviously nothing long term. So, trade, the economy, security issues - they're all out. Nothing that's going to draw attention to the fact that Aso is probably going to be gone by March, so don't mention the cherry blossoms in Washington and Tokyo, or the start of the baseball season.  Nothing that's going to embarrass him with sentiments that suggest we're looking forward to seeing him again, so forget telling him about preparations for G20. Perhaps best stick just to what's happening on Thursday and Friday next week.

Obama: Jesus. How can I spend an hour talking about that?

COS: Well Sir, I think I have an idea. Talk about what's on TV that night. Get him to talk about cartoons. He loves cartoons, apparently.

Obama: OK. And if that doesn't work?

COS: ...I've got a bottle of Japanese cough mixture, I'll lace the coffee...